Saturday, June 23, 2007

Suds' Birthday Accident

Listen to that crack!!! My guess is that this is Suds at about midnight tonight.

May we all pray that you do not piss the bed.

Friday, June 22, 2007

It's Football Friday...

Jason Taylor is an animal. A beast. All that being said, Taylor is also a smart man -- he sees the writing on the wall. It's clear that he values his health as he follows in "The Rock's" footsteps to Hollywood (sh*t, he contemplated retirement after winning the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year award this past season). It's also very clear that he has stopped caring about what he says and/or doesn't say, as evidenced by the below Sports Illustrated quotes.

On the moment the Dolphins passed on Brady Quinn to take Ted Ginn Jr. in the draft: “I was sick to my stomach. On draft day, I had just played golf with Dan Marino and was doing a radio show in Miami [by cellphone] as I was driving home. Atlanta had just picked, the Dolphins were on the clock, and I said [on the air], ‘Just walk up there and pick Brady Quinn — it’s a no-brainer.’ Right as I pulled up in my driveway, the commissioner got to the podium and kind of paused before he read the name, like even he couldn’t believe it. I was like, Oh, s---, I’m going to look like an idiot.”

Then, a week before the Dolphins completed a June 6th trade with Kansas City for quarterback Trent Green, who missed eight games following a severe concussion last September and turns 37 next month, Taylor tells SI: “This is off-the--record—oh, what the hell, it’s on the record: He’d better not get hit. One big hit, and he could be scrambled eggs.”

Randy Moss Has a Friend in Maroney

According to Kissing Suzy Kolber, Maroney refers to himself as Laurence "Koolaid" Maroney on Facebook.

His Facebook account goes on to provide some of his favorite quotes...
  • "Wash u a$$"
  • "Bout time we got some construda in dis mothaf*cka"
  • "U Begal $h*tting"
  • "Your a$$ backwards if you chase hoes, chase the cheese they come with the sh*t."

Relax, Master P! What are the Vegas odds that "Koolaid" Maroney falls victim to a Roger Goodell suspension in the coming years? I love his chances. Sammy Morris, be ready...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pierce's New PG

Is it just me or is this two minute video of Paul Pierce and "Mini-Me" an all-time classic (see below link)?

A couple points of significance from this clip...
  • "It's Verne. Next time, now you now." Listen midget, the only reason anybody recognizes you is because of "Mini-Me". Take it for what it is...and cut the crap. I'm tired of watching you drive your scooter around on VH1, continuously stopping everyone that doesn't refer to you as "Verne". You will always be "Mini-Me"...get it?? You're lucky Pierce didn't pick your a$$ up and start dribbling you down street.

  • Mini-Me can drive? How is that safe?? He can't even get into the car without the help of some other terd. Imagine being the guy that assists Mini-Me into his car...does it get any lower??

In other Celtics news, Rotoworld is reporting that "Kevin Garnett essentially vetoed the proposed trade from Minnesota to Boston by saying he didn't want to play for the Celtics". Word is that a trade was agreed to in principle (Al Jefferson, Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, Wally Szczerbiak, Sebastian Telfair, and the #5 overall pick FOR Kevin Garnett and Troy Hudson) before Garnett nixed it. With this news, I wouldn't be surprised if Pierce started chirping his way out any day now.

Mike Conley Hasn't Reached Balla Status Yet

To date, I've made it very clear that Mike Conley, Jr. is my favorite player in this draft. I love watching him play. His game is so effortless. When we look back on this draft, Mike Conley will be remembered as the third best player from this year's draft class.

Anyways, all of that is besides the point right now. The point of this blog is that Conley, Jr. recently got a little (or a lot, depending on how you want to look at it) ahead of himself. In Conley's recent blog, he inked the following:

"On the way to the airport something crazy happened to me. I was listening to this song called 'Joke's on You' which is on the new CD by Fabolous, when out of nowhere it sounded like he said my name. I sat there for a minute and thought to myself that I didn't just hear what I thought I heard. So I rewinded it a couple of times to make sure and I found that he definitely used my name in the song. I never thought that my name would ever be used in a song, especially not one by Fabolous. The first person that I called was Greg Oden so I could brag to him. He didn't believe me until he heard it for himself."

You can listen to the song here.

Well, Mike...I'm hear to drop a bomb on you -- Pusha T never mentions your name in the song. Instead, the name he drops is actually that of MIKE COLLIER (at the 2:32 mark of the track)! The entire track is about comedians, which is Collier's exact profession.

Keep This Pup Away From Lohan

"You go on these Internet blogs and people say the meanest things. I'm a normal person. Just because I'm in the spotlight doesn't mean I'm God's gift to the world. I'm learning and making mistakes just like every other 17-year-old girl out there."

- Heroes star Hayden Panettiere (otherwise known as the one licking nipples)

If the above picture is any indication of said mistakes, then believe me,'re going to be just fine. The media will take you as far as you're willing to go.

Suds' First Day as a Substitute

Kudos to whichever student of Suds' that captured this a few weeks back.

If you're wondering which one is Suds, he's "Rob" at the 44 second mark.


There have been many NBA rumors circulating these past couple days, and I'm sure there are more to come. One of the bigger deals out there has the Timberwolves sending Kevin Garnett to the Celtics for Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, the #5 pick, and Sebastian Telfair.

As long as Garnett would resign after his contract expires, I say do it. You may be jeopardizing the future, but the only team in the East who has a bright future are the Bulls. Shaq's enormous hog is finally weighing him down. Chauncey could be leaving the Pistons. The Cavs are complete buttcheeks.

What would be better than having the Red Sox, Patriots, and Celtics all be in the thick of things in the absolute prime of our lives! There is a big difference between trying to build a dynasty and trying to win a championship. Not making this trade (assuming the current state of the East) shows that they are trying to build a dynasty. Making this trade says that they are trying to win a championship. I want to black out to great Boston sports games all year. When the Celtics played the Sixers a couple years back, I went to Game 5, and let me tell you, it was one of the best atmospheres I've ever been a part of. That includes numerous Patriots games and two Sox vs. Yankees Game 7's.

On a side note...that same night, I was so piss drunk I puked on the way to the game and left my best friend stranded in Boston. Make it happen, Danny Boy!

Dan Shaughnessy Interview

You think I'm smug?? Then, get a load of Firecrotch's (aka, "Curly Haired Boyfriend") interview with Eagle in Atlanta. After all, the ugliest human in Boston recently penned a book about his own son's high school baseball prowess (or lack thereof). To read in entirety, click below.

The last few questions went as follows...

ATL_eagle: One last question and being a blogger, I have to ask about this. I asked Bob Ryan about blogs and the future of the industry a year ago. He jokingly waived the white flag. Now the guy went out and got his own blog. And you famously mocked Curt Schilling’s blog. What do you see as the future of this new medium and how it effects sports writing and sports coverage?

DS: I think it is nice for everyone to have a voice. Pete Hamel has a quote (and I had him on the radio last week) and he said, “blogging is therapy but it’s not journalism.” And that’s from Pete Hamel. Certainly there’s just no editing process. There’s no vetting of material. I draw a real line at anonymity versus people having their name on there like yourself…I assume you do since I am talking to you.

ATL_eagle: Funny enough, I started off with just a nickname. Then the Atlanta Journal-Constitution featured me in their College Football Preview and I unveiled myself and now I write for AOL too with a byline.

DS: To me, except for the editing process, that’s legit. And that’s where it’s going. I just don’t have a lot of affinity for anonymous tough guys who kill everyone and we don’t know who they are. It’s just too easy. It’s the new crank phone call at that level. But when a name’s on there and they stand behind what they write then I think it’s great.

...Dan, I've got news for you -- the only reason you have a "name" is because you have ignited countless feuds against yourself (the essence of self-promotion). Your writing is sub-par...and your analysis has become non-existent. Admit it - you have an agenda, and you'll backpedal at any cost. Sound right?

If you need to find me, just ask around for Chieftain. Jacka$$.

I Have a Serious Infatuation With Maria Menounos

She's smokin' hot, loves sports, and was born and raised outside the skirts of Beantown in Medford, Massachusetts. She's 29 years old and there isn't one thing I wouldn't let her to do me on a constant basis, no matter how weird it was. She's unbelievable. I want to be a "motorboating son of a b*tch" on those lovely lady lumps. Maria, have luscious cans and an a$$ that just won't quit. Why haven't I bumped into you before in one of my blacked-out coma rages in the city? Sure, you probably live in Hollywood, but I can't creep you out on the west coast like I can at Ned Devine's, Tequila Rain, or any other bar within stumbling distance of friendly Fenway Park. You need to come home and discover your roots, and watch Suds in I get pounded by your security guards in less than a minute as I repeatedly ask you if you'd like a drink. I'll be guy aggressive, hun -- because your snatchtastic....and I dig that.

Crunk Ain't Dead

Kenny Anderson is back!!! That's right, folks...Kenny Anderson is the new coach of the ATLANTA KRUNK (of the CBA, formerly known as the Atlanta Krunk Wolverines). No joke...that's their real team name (top photo is their real logo).

I'm still investigating whether or not white players are allowed on this team. I can't imagine they are.

Whenever I think Kenny Anderson, I immediately think back to the 2001 Super Bowl (Pats - Rams). At the time, I was still in college. A bunch of us went to the Celts early afternoon game (I believe they moved the game to noon), and then all spilled over to The Rack for the Super Bowl. And, to our surprise...almost the entire Celtics roster ending up showing up for the game. What I will never the absolute pig (when I say pig, I'm talking Monique's know, the rhino on BET) that Kenny Anderson was fondling in plain view. If The Win Column were around back then, the entire country would have ran wild with the hypothetical video I would have taken.

Peep My Girl

It's no secret that when I eventually compile my laundry list of best looking chicks, Jessica Biel will be right near top. I feel as if such a list is my calling - I mean, how much longer can we stand pat on the notion that Lindsay Lohan resides at the top?? Was that FHM or Maxim which recently crowned Lohan as #1????? IDIOTS!

Anyways, go grab your coffee and cure your morning appetite with these newly released Jessica Biel GQ photos.

I know one thing on this Thursday morning...that above photo represents one hell of an "apple bottom".

The Birthday Week Stretch Out Continues.......

After a softball game...10 Bud Lights, then to the bar where there were Patron shots, and about 8 more Bud Lights......I can barely see the computer screen.

You're all a bunch of c*nts, and I hope you all stop breathing sooner rather than later. This is birthday week part 33 1/3........and we're gettin' real weird at the beach tomorrow. Stay tuned for a live update from the c*nty sand.

Expanding My Range of Distaste

Ok fine...I've shat all over NYC before and I had to go there AGAIN this week (against my will), but went into it with an open mind. I really did. However, my most recent stay in NYC completely confirms my opinion that they should put a toilet seat on top of this place. Ok, the day started out GREAT. On my way down to NY, through CT, I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts to get a little fuel...and to my surprise, because of a "frozen computer system", I got a free iced coffee and bagel sandwich. Needless to say, I went into the day in the best mood and with the best intentions and, nevertheless, was disappointed. No word of a lie, as soon as I cross over the city limits to NYC, I'm smacked in the face with a vile...I mean VILE smell. I'm not sure how a city (as a whole) can stink, but it does. Further, after a day of work, I was going to meet a friend on the Lower West when I hopped on the train right outside of 7th and 56th, what is the first thing I see when I go into the station? You guessed it, two of the most unattractive African-American individuals engaging in sexual intercourse. Ok fine, I'm in a good mood, I got a free coffee this morning and its going to take a lot more to take me off my game. With that in mind, I rounded the next corner and saw another individual with a syringe sticking into his baby arm (as 'Suds would say). As if this wasn't shocking enough, a colleague of mine reported seeing the same thing last year. PLEASE....will someone condemn this city as unfit for human life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To a lesser extent...after I checked into my hotel room, I was completely grossed out. Now before I go further, please understand that yours truly rips through butts like its going out of style. However, that being said, the whiff that I had to smell walking into my hotel room tonight made me want to vomit (Chieftain knows what I'm talking about). It smelled like someone cultivated an entire tobacco farm on my pillow, then before leaving ran 10 miles and rubbed their grundle all over my sheets......GOD I HATE THIS CITY!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention, when I took a piss at some god-awful bar in Soho tonight, I smelled a stench that should not be emitted by any human on the face of the planet. Gentlemen, do yourself a favor and stay in Beantown.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Megan Fox Hits Maxim Stands

Can someone confirm whether or not this is a new Maxim edition? You know...Megan Fox -- the chick with zero acting ability, but ALL the right features. Anyways, that top photo is borderline unreal!!!

To see Megan Fox's GQ shoot from 2 weeks back, click below:

* This post doesn't come courtesy of Barstool Sports ( -- but they certainly deserve some credit, as they have been hyping the Megan Fox train ever since she made her splash at the MTV Movie Awards a few weeks back.

Who Called It?

Now, the entire crazed internet is clamoring for Rick Ankiel to be called up to the big club. I've got news for Chieftain's world, you are all 3+ weeks late (see the below blog which was posted on May 29th)!

His updated AAA stats currently read as follows:

.286 AVG
19 HR
52 RBI
38 Runs
.923 OPS

Ankiel is now leading the Pacific Coast League is home runs (hit 3 in one game this past weekend), is 5th in the league in RBI's, and has been named to the AAA All-Star squad.

So, why hasn't he been called up yet? Because the Cardinals are out of options on him. Meaning, once the Cardinals promote him, Ankiel will have to pass through waivers in order to return back to the minors.

"We talk about Rick a lot," La Russa said. "Every day he gets four at-bats, he's closer to getting to the majors and staying here."

Here's to you Dale Rippy...

WESLEY CHAPEL, Fla. (AP) - Dale Rippy says he was acting on instinct when a rabid 25-pound bobcat attacked him on his porch in this central Florida suburb. Rippy, 62, endured the bobcat's slashes and bites until it clawed into a position where he could grab it by the throat.

Then he strangled it.

Rippy said it was clear the crazed bobcat had to be stopped. "I was bleeding everyplace," the Vietnam veteran said of the May 30 attack. "If that cat had attacked a child, it would've been really bad. It wouldn't have quit."

I'm willing to guess that most of us have wrestled our fair share of cougars in our day. Heck, maybe even some hogs. Sure, throw in a yeti for 'Suds sake. But have you ever heard anything like this? What a freak this guy must be. Dale Rippy is 62 and he's fighting rabid bobcats to the death. How much would you pay to see a cage match of this sort? Fifty dollars? One hundred? I hear Michael Vick is throwing his hat into the ring and buying Rippy a house in Virginia where he's going to go without food and water for two weeks and then be asked to go nose to nose with a pigmy rinosaurus.

Brazilians Do It Better

Reported by The Offside...

It has been quite the week for gender equity in the profession of soccer referees. The German futbol association announced that a 28-year-old female cop will be make history by becoming the first professional female referee in the country when she referees Bundesliga 2 games next season.

In equally progressive news...Ana Paula de Oliveira (see above video), a 29-year-old referee in Brazil, will be undressing for an upcoming Playboy spread.

Have I made it clear how much I love Brazil?? Hot referees exist (the term "hot" is assumed once she loses the teenager braces)? I have yet to visit Brazil, but the visions I have of Sao Paulo are incomprehensible. Similar to how Sportspen envisioned he was going to get laid the moment he entered the Rhode Island bar scene this past weekend (at least from the stories I have heard), I picture orgies in the middle of soccer fields. For this sole reason, I may refrain from ever visiting Brazil. Why? Brazil simply cannot live up to the epic expectations I have daydreamed.

Lastly, have we just paid witness to the greatest 18 hour span in WIN COLUMN history? Posts have been flying out at an expotential rate. Spread the good word!

Hillary Clinton - Sopranos Commercial

Johnny Sack is back...


Pu$$y of the Week - Michael Barrett

You got your clock cleaned in the dugout, the clubhouse, and pretty much everywhere else you brought your miserable self. You must have thought you were tough when you beat up that pervert A.J. Pierzynski in the battle for Chicago last year....but boy were you wrong. Carlos Zambrano played putt-putt with your foredome, you jerk. Just when you thought it couldn't get any were just traded to the Padres for "undisclosed" players. In case you didn't know, Mikey...."undisclosed" = bums. Stiffs. You were pretty much just given away for a used condom and a large iced coffee regular.

Your only saving grace is that you're moving from the windy city to the beach in San Diego. But, I'd be willing to bet that you don't even know how to use your mangina. Go to the bar, buy a round of Patron shots for hot chicks, and smash them in your luxury condo you'll probably buy. You waste of life.

Talk Dirty To Me, Or Talk About The Power I....You're Still Sexy

Bonnie "Blowjob" Bernstein is the hidden gem in sideline reporting for the NFL. She's the only chick I don't find really annoying (a la Suzy Kolber) when I'm watching a game. The way she talks about the nitty gritty, the x's and o's....gets my little chubby going.

Bonnie....sweetheart....I don't know how many poles you smoked to get your job....but it was well worth it. You are probably an animal in the sack.....and if you want to talk about the Wing T offense I ran in high school while you ride me....I'm completely fine with that. Or, if you want to take it in the crapper while I talk about my "Base Over 3, check Lighting/Tiger", I'm ok with that too. Whatever you want, hunny. It's your day. You sexy piece of a$$.

Pete Prisco Sucks

Pete Prisco is a jacka$$. Scratch that, CBS Sportsline (as a whole) is just awful. It's got to be the least informative sports site out there. They are always a day late and a dollar short. They bring nothing to the table.

Anyways, here is Prisco's annual list of the NFL's Top 50 Players (which he puts zero research into -- it's almost as if these names were drawn from a hat):

Call me crazy, but where is...Adalius Thomas, Brian Westbrook, Brian Dawkins, Nate Clements, Rudi Johnson, Troy Polamalu, Zach Thomas, and Alan Faneca???

Newsflash...DeAngelo Hall sucks. He can't cover a cold via man-to-man. He is all individual substance.

Lee Evans at #36????? Prisco has a hard-on for the most useless position in the game. This must be a joke meant to drive me crazy.

Chad Johnson at #7 overall (he's not even the best WR in the game) and Andre Johnson at #14 overall (whaaaaaaaat??), but Stephen Jackson only checks in at #29?????? I'm dumbfounded.

Tony Gonzalez makes the list, but Shaun Alexander doesn't??? These days, Tony Gonzalez is as productive as Nightmare on a Saturday morning.

It goes without saying that I have many more opinions on this list, but I'll let you guys have at it initially...

Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot, Coco Got His Coodies Shot

Hey Coco, I'm really glad you decided to show us you have a shred of power in your miserable abilities....but Simply Suds still thinks you're a f*cking jerkoff. You inform Red Sox PR chief John Blake that you will be silent from the media, yet again, after another good game in hotLanta. F you. Who do you think you are? You are Coco Crisp. You did countless amounts of "Red Sox Nation" commercials when you first came here, and now you're not going to talk to us via the media???????? You are batting .247 with 3 home runs and 18 RBI. I could care less that you have 13 steals, because they never mean anything. You steal second when we are up or down 8-1 and the pitcher isn't holding you on. I go to bed praying every night that this season will be your last in a Red Sox uniform. Whether it be Andruw Jones, Torii Hunter, or Jacoby Ellsbury patrolling center field next season, I hope you get hit by an 18-wheeler as you cross Mass Ave. on your way to a massage friggin' abortion of a baseball player. You have to be good to avoid the fans in Boston, and frankly, you have a good glove, a miserable bat....and, I could pull a Dominican out of a 6 family house in Mattapan....and he'd have twice the arm you have.

F*ck you Coco. Nice name, you mallot.

Congrats to Tiger

I completely forgot to congratulate Tiger Woods on having his first child, a girl named Sam over the weekend. Frankly, I don't give a rat's a$$ about Tiger Woods, or how he spends his $110 million dollars annually, but at least he mustered up enough courage to not pull out of his smoke show of a wife....because I would have done the same. Looks-wise, she is so out of his league it's not even funny. It's right there on the same level as the heinous kid in college that walks into the cafe with the ridiculously hot girlfriend. You eat your breakfast, your lunch, and your dinner wondering how the hell that kid pulled such a piece of yum-yum in the first place. There's two possible explanations for this phenomenon.........he's got an enormous hammer stashed in his drawers, or his family has bank accounts with a serious amount of 0's at the end.

Cheers to you, Elin. I know you have a ton of money on your own from selling Ricola in your country....but damn are a friggin' smoke show. Good for you for having little Tiger Woods with your tiny bod......Tiger is a lucky a$$ son of a bitch. Sweden must be a hidden gem for hot chicks. I propose a Win Column field trip to see how much blond hair I can get in my teeth, finger nails, and pubes. CSI ain't got $hit on me.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Elijah Dukes and Pacman Jones Need to Unite

As a follow-up to last week's Elijah Dukes' ex-wife's radio interview, Elijah called in to the same radio station to refute all statements. Believe me when I tell you, you MUST follow the jump (once doing so, click the link which is included in The Big Lead's first paragraph) to listen to this 10 minute interview. It's nothing short of incredible! Elijah Dukes is entering Mike Tyson territory! I cannot reiterate enough just how bat$h*t crazy this man is.

Some highlights of Elijah Dukes' ex-wife's interview:
  • Dukes has been diagnosed as bi-polar and is a "good husband when he’s on his medication".
  • She’s trying to figure out which 17-year-old slept with her ex-husband, because "those girls have kept my children before".
  • Elijah’s most frequently-used pickup line is: "I want you to have my baby" - and he follows that up with, "Can I be your first baby daddy?"
  • Dukes once told his ex, "seeing my sisters and my mom with so many men, I don’t trust women".

In turn, Elijah responded with these gems (you're doing yourself a SEVERE disservice if you don't listen to the radio interview - see above link):

  • He talks about the value of crack in the hood. "$100 of crack...what...everybody knows you can turn that into $200 in the hood."
  • On the 17-year-old he knocked up: "We and her did something one-time … I know for a fact, I know for a fact … if that’s my child, why does it have to be broadcast?"
  • His mother never smoked crack, and he never said that she did. "Some people say my momma...some people say my momma was on crack...but, hell...I was in her stomach."
  • "When did I get in trouble for domestic violence over the last year and a half?"
  • "Elijah, do you need help?" "No! Do I need guidance? Yeah, I need guidance … I went to jail for breaking a remote control."

Joe Girardi: Don't Be An Idiot

Mr. Steinbrenner...please get Joe Girardi on the phone. He's currently employed by the giant which is the New York Yankees as a YES Network, locating him (and ASAP)shouldn't be much of a task.

When you reach Mr. Girardi, assure him that he will be the Yankees manager next season (unless the Yanks win the World Series this year). During this conversation, cordially remind him that the Orioles play in the AL East...and that he has a far better chance of winning the lottery than the Orioles do of winning the division while under his tenure. Remind him that the two largest payrolls in baseball reside in the AL East. By taking the Orioles job, nothing good can come out of it! Remind him that he's a World Series champion, part of a dynasty, and the residing NL Manager of the Year. A WINNER. Baltimore doesn't breed winners, only failures. After a few inevitable seasons of continuous losing in Baltimore, Girardi's tip-top resume will be on life support. Lastly, remind him that Peter Angelos is the worst owner in baseball -- maybe in all of sports.

Joe...please make the right decision, as YOU (not Mattingly...despite my love affair for the guy) are next in line.

Forget the Below Post, Cassie is The Hottest Chick in The Game

When it comes to R&B, Cassie has the beauty department on lock. Cassie, 20, is best known for her single "Me & U", which became a hit in 2006. Cassie is trilingual, as she is fluent in English and conversational in the Filipino dialect, Tagalog, as well as Spanish. Tagalog??? Never heard of it, but believe me...I'm a fast learner -- and would whisper 'Tagalog' sweet nothing's in Cassie's ears all night long.

How are Filipinos and Brazilians soooooo damn fine??? Mi amor! Those lips...

Anyways, did I mention that all Cassie sings about is pleasing her man...and how she excels at doing so (I'm losing my train of thought as I am, essentially, licking the last photo)???

Who Would You Rather?

Very slow news day today...

You're Jay-Z. You're 37 years old. You're one of the greatest rappers of all-time. You're the current President and CEO of Def Jam and Roc-A-Fella Records. You co-own the 40/40 Club (which, by the way, is a terrible spot). You're co-owner of the New Jersey Nets. You are the second richest hip-hop entertainer (only behind Sean "Puffy" Combs), having reeled in a net worth of $340 million. In short, you're the "Jigga" Man.

That's all fine and dandy -- but, the real question is...which chick should be "wearing your chain"?? As Jay-Z is clearly cleaning both pipes, who should be Jigga's go-to?

In one corner...we have Beyonce, 25, his current girl. In the other corner, we have...Rihanna, 19 -- the one Sean Carter is said to be "mentoring". Down by 2, who's taking the last shot?

To me, Beyonce defines the term "hit-or-miss" (great abs, dumpy oak trees for legs). Beyonce is beautiful...absolutely flawless face. But, at the same time, she is in, large and in, she could whip out a jackhammer down below (if you know what I mean) and it wouldn't come as a surprise. Lastly, it's well documented that Beyonce is very diva-like and high maintenance, an obvious red flag when it comes to bedroom antics...I'm willing to bet the house that she's a bore in the sack when compared to Rihanna.

Rihanna, on the other hand, isn't nearly as accomplished as Beyonce. But, who cares?? Remember...hypothetically speaking, you're Jay-Z!! She's just entering her sexual peak -- and, by the looks of it, she'd be down to "get down" with your entire entourage at a whim's notice.

Me?? In a close call, I'd rather ride with Beyonce, but it's my duty to present you a compelling case. To each his own...