Monday, December 31, 2007

I'm Just Saying



I was talking to a friend recently and he brought up a good point. Why is it that both Marquise Hill and Sean Taylor tragically passed away this year but it seems that Hill is all but an after thought but every time I turn on TV there is some type of tribute to Sean Taylor?

For all intents and purposes Hill was a much nicer guy. He spent a ton of time and a good chunk of his paycheck to help rebuild New Orleans after Katrina. After being drafted in 2004 Hill spent the bulk of his time in the off-season at his alma mater, LSU, where he trained and mentored current LSU players. If you do any type of research you’ll be hard up to find anyone say anything negative about him.

Taylor, on the other hand, had his bouts with good decision making. I won’t get into all the dumb sh*t he did at University of Miami in light of keeping this post brief. But during his rookie season (among other things) Taylor was fined $25,000 for walking out on a mandatory rookie symposium. He was fined 7 times that year for late hits, uniform violations and unsportsman-like penalties culminating in a $17,000 fine for spitting in the face of TJ Houshmandzadeh. Evidently 17k ‘aint no thang’ to Taylor because this retard did the same thing the following year when he was ejected from a game for spitting at Michael Pittman (of which he was fined 17k……again).

Other than the fact that Taylor’s fines were financing the NFL’s operation budget in 2005 Taylor was charged with aggravated assault with a firearm and a felony and misdemeanor battery charge. All this was because of a dispute over two ATVs. For real.

So after looking at both resumes I’m surprised the NFL hasn’t at least memorialized both players equally instead of saying absolutely NOTHING about Hill. Don’t get me wrong, I think what happened to Sean Taylor is a tragedy and he should be remembered for the good things he brought into this world but it seems to me that the NFL would want to highlight a player like Hill. He’s stand-up guy, gave back to his community and helped out younger players as they aspired to be in the NFL. Is it because Goodell simply doesn’t like Belichick and the Pats? Is it only because Hill died before the season started?
Even the Patriots have been slacking. There was some mention of Hill early in the season but since then I haven’t heard one player utter his name. You’d think Jarvis Green and Randall Gay would step up and say something seeing as how all three came from LSU and Gay was Hill’s roommate for 2 years. For a team that has prided themselves on being a team and playing as a unit they sure seemed to drop the ball with remembering a fallen teammate. I’m just saying….
Orlando

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Suds Returns to Nashville....Live Updates Dec 29th-Jan1st




That's right motherfuckers....I'm making the road trip to Nashville, Tennessee again.....only this time I have an even bigger appetite for destruction and I'm going down at full strength. As you may recall on my last trip to Nashville I had a mangled hand and half an eye brow due to the "head butt heard round the world" I gave a chain linked fence in the softball all-star game. I actually get back to the Commodore's country lair before he even flies in. So, on Saturday I'll be drinking beers at an alarming rate at the airport in a Tedy Bruschi jersey and a cowboy hat for two hours until the Commodore finally decides to show up. After a couple nights of straight blacking out with the country folk....and barring any felonies that might happen to fall in my lap.....Dec 31st has the opportunity to be one of the greatest nights of my life. It just so happens that Florida State plays Kentucky in the Music City Bowl at 4pm on New Years Eve. So what? Well, I happen to like hot chicks.....especially drunk college chicks. I will be tailgating with both schools....and hope to have some photos and live interviews with ladies from both schools. That is....before they hit the bar scene in Nashville for New Years.....completely cocked from their bowl games. Imagine the possibility for The Win Column......Simply Suds.....a camera.....a pen....a piece of paper.....and one sick imagination for a human.

Stay tuned lads....I'm going into confederate territory with thousands of drunk college girls on a night where dropping kiss bombs is completely common place. I can already taste the sweet nectar of a southern girl's spit. Granted it will be after I buy her 8 patron shots....but hey...this is America.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Pretty Boy To Fight In MMA??


“Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather is indeed pondering involvement in MMA. The interest was spawned when Mayweather began to establish a relationship with Mark Cuban while both being contestants on this years “Dancing With The Stars”. Evidently the two are smitten with each other because Cuban carried two of Mayweather’s championship belts to the ring before the Hatton fight. The two were also seen in Vegas together last week. Also, an insider here at The Win spotted the two leaving Cuddles and Bubbles hand and hand conveniently gnawing on each others tongues.

Anyways, although Mayweather hasn’t come out and confirmed he is thinking about fighting in MMA, both he and Cuban have confirmed that Mayweather will definitely be involved in some way, shape or form with Cuban’s HDNet Fights which airs MMA bouts regularly.

Historically speaking there have only been two fighters, Ray Mercer and Frans Botha, that have made the switch from boxing to MMA and both were abysmal. At first, I didn’t like Mayweather. I thought he was a cocky, smug, self-involved punk. After watching him for the past 2+ years I’ve been completely won over. The guy talks more trash than anybody but the thing is he can back it up….completely. I think he’s great for boxing because other than the two fights Mayweather was in this year basically no one is watching it.

That said I think the move to MMA is a terrible idea for Mayweather. I get that they’re trying to transfer the high level of interest in MMA to boxing and I’m all for that. But I think Mayweather would get his clock cleaned and thus completely tarnish his all-important image that has made him what he is today. Word on the street is that Mayweather may get involved in just sponsoring fighters or possibly even training a few. Take it from me Floyd, I say you go that route and don’t completely ruin your entire career.

Friday, December 21, 2007

SI's Best Decision Since The Swimsuit Issue




I'm not sure if Sports Illustrated has been doing this for awhile but judging by the blowback thats been going on in the media over the past week I'm guessing they probably haven't. Apparently some guy over at the SI corporate headquarters decided that it would be a good idea to pick a cheerleader of the week and highlight her on their website. Whoever this guy is the president of Sports Illustrated should find him, give him tons of money, and promote him to his special assistant to stuff because the guy is a certifiable genius and should be involved in all the higher level decision. I can't believe they didn't come up with this idea earlier. I can't believe SI has been getting sh*t over this campaign. After all the pictures are relatively classy and nobody is getting hurt right? I mean they even threw in that heinous fat girl to make chicks feel better about themselves. WTF right? Take it from me. I've spent some time on ASU's campus and I bet it took the crew at least a day and a half to find a chick that gross at ASU. The campus is chalk-full of complete smoke-shows. I love you Lauren Thompson


Orlando

Home Grown Talent








Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you Boston's best undiscovered talent: Lily Holbrook. This chick possesses so many phenomenal qualities its almost hard to figure out where to begin. Norman P. was so lovestruck by her last night that he couldn't even watch her sexily strum her guitar in the Park Street T station. He was flushed, breathing quickly, and could barely control himself. She's that f*cking hot.

This gem can be found busking around Boston. I've seen her in Harvard Square and Park Street, and it made me LITERALLY not want to get on the train. She has a super sexy voice, plays a solid piece of guitar, and is gorgeous. Which all begs the question... what in the sweet name of all that is holy is she doing playing in the subway?!?!

Check her out at http://www.lilyholbrookmusic.com/ but be careful... Norman has called dibs, and he's pretty serious about the girl. That being said, I'm completely willing to fight him to the death for her.

Maybe There Is Something To Be Learned From The French





Now hold off before you completely write this post off as another political diatribe because I assure you its not. Normally I would agree with you that we need the French just as bad as we need another butthole. However in this case I have to give major props to current French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Over the past 12 years or so he’s been married to some wretched whore, Cecilia Sarkozy, who obviously had as much sense as a half retarded donkey. For the past five years their relationship seemed to be on the skids until some photos surfaced in 2005 with Cecilia sucking face and holding hands with some clown in NYC. What a dumb broad right? She’s a fairly high profile person and her friggin husband is running for the presidency in France, but this nimrod thinks she can go to New York and get her own private slap and tickle and not have anyone find out?? Not to mention that Sarkozy was the presidential hopeful and doing alright for himself but it obviously wasn’t enough for this chick.

Anyways they ended up getting back together for Sarkozy’s final push for the presidency. And now, not even a full year into his first year they are getting a divorce evidently because Cecilia can’t keep her gross roast beef curtains in her pants. So what does Sarkozy do? What any one of us would LOVE to do if found in the same position. He gets a former supermodel that is half the age and about three times as hot as his ex. You think he’s sleeping better at night? I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s a bit more enjoyable having perky little apples bounce in your face as opposed to saggy, flabby titties that resemble plastic bags full of vanilla yogurt.

In conclusion well done Nicolas! We should all take a page out of your book.

Orlando

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Oops They Did It Again !



BREAKING NEWS: 16-YEAR OLD JAMIE LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!
OK Magazine has confirmed that 16-year old Jamie Lynn Spears is preggers.....yes, we have to endure 9 months of more Spears baby talk, and this time it's not even her cum guzzling, pig sister snagging all the headlines! Some turd named Casey Aldridge managed to slip some spermies past the Dominek Hasek ovary kick saves. What a lucky fuckin' prick. Dropping a load in one of these sisters is like hitting all your numbers in Powerball. Lynne Spears, up for the award of worst mother of the millennium, has this to say about her little angel...

"I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby."

Holy shit lady. Are you fucking serious? I wish I had a mother like you in high school. Your daughters are running around getting pounded, shitting out babies, and pounding Pablo Escobar amounts of cocaine and God knows what else....and that's the line you throw at us? Are you a friggin retard? Your oldest daughter can't get out of her car without showing us her punching bag snapper....and this is how you repay us?

At least the 16-year old sexually active Spears had the stones to protect her Nickelodeon fans....

"I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," she says. "But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."

It's better to wait ? Says who? I definitely don't think it's better to wait....I think everyone should have the opportunity to smash as early and often as they'd like. Who are you to tell us differently? How about using a rubber.....ever think of that ? Nah, you probably didn't. After all....procreation is pretty much the main hobby in Louisiana anyway. I hope your entire family drowns in the Bayou.



***quotes from msn.com


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Hippies Don't Know Their Ass From Their Elbow




I drive a gas guzzling SUV....and yes it costs me about $55 to fill that pig more often than not....but to be honest with you, I don't really give a shit. I could care less that my American made beast might omit more crap into the atmosphere....booo hoooo....the green effect...wahhhhhhhhh. What are you hippies going to do ? Tell Al Gore on me ? The proof is in the pudding. I just flew home at 45 MPH on side roads in 4 wheel drive during the middle of a blizzard. I saw at least a couple Ford Focuses and at least 2 HYBRIDS parked sideways off the road after not being able to hang with the big boys. How's your environmentally correct car now you pieces of shit ! I don't give a rat's ass if I'm preventing my grandchildren's grandchildren from breathing in healthy air....the only thing that matters is that I got home quickly and safely.

You lose again hippies....when will you ever learn ? Sick hybrid.....losers.

***and no I don't drive a Hummer....but just wanted to emphasize my point here.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Arthur Blank Must Have Been A Real D-Bag In A Previous Life


How else can you explain how Blank has been utterly bent over plugged in his pooper recently? I mean this guy can’t buy a bucket right? Look at it this way. To say that picking Mike Vick number one overall in 2001 didn’t work out might be the biggest understatement since Schilling said if the Sox sign Santana they’ll have a tough time not winning 120 games. Sure, NFL teams make bad draft decisions all the time no big deal. But after the dog fighting debacle of the past year Blank lost his franchise player, his team's name was dragged through the mud, his team was ripped apart and he lost his fan base. But what’s worse is that Mike Vick helped rebuild the fan base in Atlanta. Vick sold out that stadium every Sunday and got the fans in Hotlanta interested in football again. Since then, the Falcons stink worse then ever. The player people were coming to see is just starting to serve a two year sentence and the fans aren’t showing up anymore.

Blank tried to make a power move to hire a new and upcoming coach in Bobby “two pump chump” Petrino to turn the franchise around. 13 weeks into the season Petrino poops out of his 3 year contract to sign with Arkansas. This nimrod signed contracts that add up to 14 years of service in a year and a half at three different places. Would you hire this guy? The players are pissed, Blank’s pissed, the fans are pissed and worst of all they still stink. Hopefully the players will band together and come out and kick some ass for the rest of the season just on general principle.

I’m not sure who you pissed off Art, or what type of heinous acts you committed in a previous life, but it must have been pretty awful to have this string of bad luck. Sorry dude. I feel bad for you. I really do.

P.S. On a complete side note, I think the comments Blank made during this weeks MNF game are completely fine. Give the guy a friggin break for christ’s sake.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Kimbo Slice is a Bad Man

A good friend of mine introduced me to Kimbo Slice tonight. I had never heard of this guy....but holy sh*t....he's known as the new king of street fighting. He's a power puncher that doesn't get phased by anyone's punches and throws absolute hay makers and a crushing uppercut. I did find one fight on the internet where he loses to a huge guy....but this 9 minute video is out of hand. If this doesn't get your pulse racing and make you want to punch the next person that orders 67 coffees in front of you at Dunkin Donuts, then you are either high on drugs, or you're wearing tighty whities with skid marks on em.

Kimbo Slice is a baaaaaaad man. I'll whip your head boyyyyyyyyy.

Third Time is a Charm....or Not


OK, I have to admit that I hadn't had the opportunity to take Cornstarr's suggestion and view the 2girls1finger video after I had informed this site of the horrid things I first saw on 2girls1cup.

I watched the video tonight....and immediately started dry heaving and wishing I could poke my eyes out of my head. It wasn't until I was feeling very faint that I realized that there was a link below the video to the THIRD and final installment of the video trilogy. http://www.4girlsfingerpaint.com/ I am here to tell you that I no longer have faith in humanity. I think that we live in a filthy world and we're all going to hell. I can't even begin to comment on the sh*t fantasy web site's THIRD tummy turnover.

You all know you're gonna go right to the website at your first opportunity. So what are you waiting for ?

Crack Is Making A Comeback!


That’s right folks, our good ole friend crack cocaine is making a comeback and you heard it here first. Some nitwits down at the U.S. Sentencing Commission thought that all those “criminals’ who got busted for crack were actually really nice people with good hearts and decided to take a look at the law again. So this week they’re meeting to discuss/vote on the possibility of easing of crack cocaine punishment guidelines. Lets just say for the sake of this post that they actually do change the law and make the mandatory minimum sentencing much less drastic. Not only will they change the law moving forward, these retards are making the decision retro-active, so all the crackheads from New Jack City will reap the benefits. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's seems to be spearheading the movement….maybe she was in the holiday spirit with Chanukah and all.

Either way, just think in a few short months the flood gates will open and the onslaught will begin. Sorry to all of you guys who bought property in ‘new and upcoming’ neighborhoods. Those neighborhoods have recently been down-graded to ‘shit out of luck, spiraling downward rapidly’ neighborhoods.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

A New Level Of Human Depravity



So this will give you an indication of how my Friday night has gone so far...

I'm 15 Miller Lites deep, and I just watched the 2 Girls 1 Cup video... and I'm here to tell you all about it. This video is famous for being the most disgusting video on the internet, and I'm gonna dispel all the f*cking mystery surrounding it. Blogs post reactions of people seeing the video for the first time, just for entertainment, that's how shocking it is (supposedly). If you're a masochist, the clip can be found at www.2girls1cup.com

So I watch the video, and it's pretty gross, but nowhere near as gross as I thought it would be. The clip opens with a white chick and an indian chick (dots not feathers) making out. The indian chick is pulling down the white chick's shirt and sucking on her titties; its hot, not bad at all.

Then they focus on a close up of the indian chick's ass, and she sh*ts out diarrhea into a pint glass. Then the two girls start tonguing it. It's sick. Then they focus in on the white chick, and she's actually eating the shit. She's moving the diarrhea in and out of her mouth, then she swallows it.

At this point I was convinced that things couldn't get worse... but apparently they could. The girls start puking on each other. And not just on each other, but in each other's mouths. It's horrendous.

The clip lasts about 15 seconds longer, and then shuts off. Any normal human being would stop at this point. But not me. Not Cornstarr. I'm on a mission to eradicate any semblance of innocence that I ever, EVER possessed. And this is how I found something that TRUMPS www.2girls1cup.com

Granted, its from the same people who brought you www.2girls1cup.com, but its worse. Way more fowl. I'm not going to tell you what happens in this video... you can judge for yourself. It can be found at:

www.2girls1finger.com

Friday, December 7, 2007

The Numbers Are In: Doggystyle Wins!



Important information to have over the weekend, gentlemen: Chicks prefer it doggystyle (demonstrated above by my lovely assistant, Jessica Alba).

In a recent poll done by iVillage, 200 hundred women were surveyed about their favorite position. They were give the following options:

A) Missionary
B) Woman on top
C) Doggy Style
D) Other

The hands down winner by over 50 votes was doggystyle. So this weekend when you're letting what's-her-face from the bar ride you to drunken-glory, do her a favor and flip her around. It'll show her that you're in touch with her feelings, even if you can't remember her name.

Eva Mendes Is On the Team Goin' Skins







Eva Mendes is one of the hottest women in the world....according to Simply Suds. I love Latino women. The fact that they have insane bodies, can cook all sorts of burritos/tacos/quesadillas, and have that look in their eye that says I want to f*ck your brains out or actually rip your eyes out with a fork......love it. There are little things I wouldn't do in this world to have a chance to piss the bed with Eva in it after a long night of her not feeling a damn thing. I've very happy that she decided to go naked rather than cover up her snapper and cans with an ugly fur coat. She could drape herself in a clear trash bag and look hot....oh wait a minute, I had to drape her in one of those in a weird dream I had....but that's neither here...nor there.

We're getting back to our roots fellas. It's Friday.....I am hitting the big city really hard. We're talkin' about doing real big things tonight. Friday will forever now be known on this website as Frenchin' Hot Chicks Friday. I can't wait to have 7 warrants out for my arrest tomorrow. I'll defer all future comments and questions to the litigators of the website.

Hot chicks for life.
I'm Simply Suds, and I approved this message.
***photos courtesy of idontlikeyouinthatway.com

Jessica Alba Has Some Serious Competition




I'll be the first to admit I have no idea who Krystal Forscutt is. I had to GOOGLE her name just to find out that the only thing she is famous for is being on Australia's Big Brother in 2006. Let me tell you....with a face and cans like that....she's in store for biiiiiiiiig things. I almost can't believe what I'm seeing here. What a dime ! I mean if this girl wanted to strap me to a wall for 72 hours and beat me with a whip while pouring rubbing alcohol over my open wounds....I'd still be into it. My Bud Light can would fit perfectly in between her t*ts.....something else that really appeals to me.


Krystal....you're going straight to the top. Remember that I wrote about you first. And then call me, because I'm sure you need someone to clean your toilet or drive you to the undergarment store. And I'm your man.

XMas Parties are underrated!



Last night I had the opportunity to attend my first Christmas Party of the year and I noticed one thing....that they are an absolute blast! Christmas as a holiday gets a lot of respect. Everyone gets presents, christmas trees, lights, and Santa but how cool is the actual Christmas party. Usually there is a phenominal amount of booze being consumed. Depending on your employer and or school booze is most of the time on the house. If the party is not a shitshow its usually early enough where you can leave and black out at the next watering hole. I have yet to meet anyone that just goes home after a lame christmas party. You're already out so make it a shitshow. Sometimes you have to dress up, sometimes you try to dress like cousin eddy and try to find the most ridiculous christmas sweater and turtleneck you can find. It is also a good time to smother your face in some nice old fashion......what was that shit we use to eat in the day?.....oh yeah....pussey! Single girls begin to feel a little lonely and its an opportune time to put on the nice guy hat and give them a little love and affection for the cold winter months.

So if any of you readers will be attending a Holiday party in the next couple of months....get ready and don't take it for granted. Before you know it, it will be new years....and we all know how overrated that is.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Famous Jewish Women

Happy Chanukah to all of our Hebrew readers out there. May your 8 nights be filled with joy and happiness. Much respect to the Old Testament and hot Jewish women. Enjoy your holiday and we'll see ya at Passover !

Tony Romo Goes Deep On and Off The Field




I'm a Tony Romo fan. I like the way he plays the game. I like that he has fun and basically just smashes tons of hot Texas ass while winning football games and having the best season for a QB this year not named Tom Brady. First it was Carrie Underwood, who is a little minx.....hopefully he was in and out quick, and she didn't smash his tail lights or key his car like in her miserable song. Next up for a Tony Romo drillin'....none other than the epitome of a girl that just wants to get laid due to her low self esteem....Miss Jessica Simpson. So Tony took her out on a date, Texas style, like a southern gentleman.....until things obviously progressed faster than the 2 minute drill.


They were all over each other on the couch, making out," a Simpson source tells Us Weekly in its new issue, on newsstands now. "They were on top of each other! It was a little bit much for a public place," the witness adds. "He was holding her close and she wasn't paying attention to anyone else." The source adds that Simpson, 27, is "crazy" about her man, also 27, "and gushes about how sweet he is."

Good for you Tony. There is little doubt in my mind that you brought her home, or maybe she took you home. Who cares ? Your both multi-millionaires and probably humped all night in beds the size of my living room. I hope you treated her like a tramp. She looks like the kind of girl that could benefit from some weave tuggin' and abusive verbal. "Did Nick ever f*ck you this good? How bout that little sissy John Mayer ? " You're the starting quarterback for America's Team, and could probably have 90% of southern bells. Get it done guy. Just like a last second drive to win the game. Score, leave the field....move onto the next challenge.

Godspeed.

If This Were 1999-2003 We'd Have Some Serious Suspects....


I can account for quite a few members of this website that made the trip absolutely loaded from off campus housing at Stonehill College back to campus....and vice versa. So when I read this story this morning, I was hardly surprised.


EASTON, Mass. -- Police arrested a man who they say led them on a wild chase overnight.
The chase began in Taunton, where police tried to pull over a man in his twenties.
Police say he refused to stop and tried to ram two cruisers instead.
The chase ended on Route 138 in Easton after police used stop sticks to deflate three of his tires. The man will be charged with failure to stop amongst many other charges.
The driver insisted on being taken to the hospital.


Ok, where do I even start here. Norman, Nightmare, Chieftain (officially out of the running), Commodore, Slowstuff.....there are just too many of us that this could have happened to. After all, Nightmare was caught in the buff by Easton's finest while attempting to streak down 138....but hey, give him credit, he made it 15 yards before blue lights flashed. The Commodore slashed more tires than he ate c*nts, Norman could often be found half passed out behind the wheel somewhere....no matter what time of day. And myself....well....I passed the sobriety test while onlookers peered through the dorm windows in a blizzard and watched me do my impression of the Lambeau leap into the snow.


So the real question is.....if we could turn back time....which member of the Win Column was most likely to have this headline under his name ?



***Story courtesy of http://www.whdh.com/

Tim Tebow...Heisman Winner...


Anthony Smith Guarantees a Victory Over the Patriots !


Who ? Anthony Smith is a safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers. If I didn't have degenerate gambler friends and wouldn't have watched half a dozen Steelers game, I definitely wouldn't know who this friggin stiff is. Apparently, some of the Patriots seem to share my sentiment...

Mr. Smith, I'd like to congratulate you on waking up the Patriots if they were going to come out sluggish and possibly have a let down after being in a Monday Night dog fight with the Ravens. Time and time again, idiots like you open their yappers, piss the Patriots off, and get them refocused and give them a reason to go right at you. If I were a teammate of yours, I'd choke you out in the locker room. We're talking about throwing all of your teammates under the bus. Why don't you let the leaders in your locker room make the bold predictions. Let James Farrior do the talking, please. Nobody gives a sh*t about what you have to say. You're a second year player out of Syracuse. You're a friggin bum that will be on a practice squad soon. You stiff.

Here's to hoping the Pats throw deep bombs over this abortion's head this Sunday in Foxboro. Randy Moss splits defenses....fact. He'll be splitting your jock too buddy.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

We All Love Mike Tyson

I wish Iron Mike could have a weekly segment here on the Win Column. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.

Here's to you, champ.

Remember When This Site Liked Hot Chicks ????








We need to get back to our roots gentlemen. We need to stick to what we do best. Objectifying hot chicks. I'm going to make this short and sweet. Nicole Marie Lenz is smokin' hot, and as exotic looking as the chick Norman and I sat next to at breakfast in Watertown last Sunday.
No I can't stop thinking about the girl that was in and out of my life in 23 minutes. I'm sure the sight of me eating breakfast after a black-out was not the greatest first impression. But God, if I could only show her what 11 seconds of all out love making was all about....she'd be hooked. Or call the District Attorney to file charges....in which case, I'll call my lawyer that commented on this site already.
***photos courtesy of http://www.hornyoyster.com/

Suds Gets a "Re-Do" This Friday Night in Beantown


Ok, ok, ok....I realize my performance last Saturday night served you all many moments of laughter at my expense....and I'm alright with that. You're all a bunch of miserable pricks anyway, so if I have to get piss drunk and make a fool out of myself to give you all an ounce of self-worth....that's the kind of guy I am. You're welcome.

Moving on....I'm calling a "re-do" this Friday....and I hope the Crombinator accepts the challenge. Since your self-proclaimed victory last Saturday (I'm not really sure what you brought to the table, since I brought the cape codders too)...this Friday night we will be celebrating Chieftain's farewell, as he leaves New England to follow his true blood to the back yard of the New York Yankees. I feel as if this move is driven by the fact that he wakes up every morning with the desire to sniff Derek Jeter's boxers. I'd go as far as to say that Chieftian may smell the urinals at Yankee Stadium upon his move....just to feel closer to his man crush.

Upon my arrival to the humble ebode of Norman P. Orlando and Nightmare arround 6pm, this Friday we will be meeting at the Sports Grille near the Gahhhhhhhdenn at 7:30pm to suck down drinks at an alarming rate, and watch the Big Ticket, the Truth, and Jesus Shuttlesworth. We then take the city by storm thereafter. This time I won't be drinking an entire bottle of Goldschlager by 7pm....and be warned now Crombinator.....I'm bringing my "A" game. What that means ? I have no fuckin clue. You could be sticking me under a table again by 10pm, or I could be tongue kissing every chick you try to talk to all night. In addition to showing Chieftain my support for his move....another main goal of mine is to even our score 1-1. It's a marathon, not a sprint buddy. 7 games is a lonnnnnnnnnng series.

Stay tuned....I hope to see all you mutts there.

Suds' Saturday Night

With the blessing of Norman P., I bring you a reinactment of Suds' Saturday night...

Prohibition Was As Cool As Cancer


Turns out Utah is good for something other than serving as a safe haven for a bunch of Mormon loonies having sex with their entire family. On this day back in 1933 Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment thus empowering all the thirsty congressmen with 75% of states voting to overturn the 18th Amendment.

Jesus what a bad decision the 18th Amendment was! If you’ve ever enjoyed an ice cold beer on a hot summer day after cutting a lawn you know the utter state of euphoria that comes with it. Or that first shot of Jager for the night. As it slides down the back of your throat the liquid courage strengthens and the normal 9-5, Monday through Friday you starts to fade away. Its entirely possible you could fight somebody, kiss somebody, or just get rip-roaringly drunk and throw up and pass out. But the beautiful thing is….the choice is yours.

Just imagine if, on your way home from work today, if you wanted to grab a six pack you couldn’t. Or this Friday after work as you and your friends are getting ready to go out you were pounding Coca-Cola Classic instead of Sam Adams. Think about that and give thanks to all those Mormon wackos. They may sex with their 12 year old daughters but at least they support your right to get wasted.

Orlando


Travis Henry Can Smoke Weed Again


Phew! That was a close one Travis but I’m glad you showed those nerds down at the NFL office whats what. Henry was informed back in September that he failed his second drug test in as many years and thus was suspended and forced to sit out the remainder of the season not to mention deal with a whole bunch of bullshit substance abuse treatment. But like any pothead would do he called shenanigans and denied everything claiming he was the victim of second hand smoke. I don’t know about you but I often hang out with a bunch of friends while they’re ripping tubes and don’t partake. Personally, I believed his story from the start and thought it was ludicrous the league gave him so much sh*t.

Anyways, Henry found a loophole in the rules saying that the NFL violated league policy by not ‘allowing an expert of Henry's choosing to be present for the testing’. In other words the NFL actually sent him to a doctor that was going to take HIS piss and not his buddies! Ridiculous. So he ended up being able to use his doctor and surprise, surprise everything came back clean.

So good for you Travis. I hope you get your Doc a great Xmas present. A nice glass bubbler perhaps? I hope you have a stellar rest of the year. Normally I think the Broncos are pretty buttcheeks but I’m for anybody that can beat an herb wrap.

Orlando

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Is Christmas Coming Early ?


Somewhere in New England, Chieftain is crying into his pillow...which is sure to make the entire Win Column nation rejoice. Latest speculation on a Johan Santana deal has the Red Sox offerring a 5th player to get the deal done.....and his name is not Jacoby Ellsbury....which is all that really matters. Ellsbury is untouchable to me. He has the opportunity to be a game changer in many aspects of the game every single night he takes the field. Anyway, the latest package would send Crisp, Lester, Lowrie, Masterson, and 9th round draft pick/phenom Ryan Kalish for Johan Santana.


Sure the Red Sox are giving up quite a bit of talent in this deal....but you know what....I don't really give a sh*t. Adding Santana to the rotation for the next 6 years (a contract extension will be signed upon a trade anywhere) assures the Red Sox will absolutely dominate the American League right through the next decade. Beckett, Santana, Matsuzaka, Schilling, Buchholz.......I can't even imagine how many games this team could win.


Get the deal done Theo......all I want for Christmas is Johan Santana !!!!!!!!!!!!




***Photo courtesy of http://www.bostondirtdogs.com/

Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain


Reports coming out of the Ravens camp are shedding new light on what local media outlets are dubbing "Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain". We all saw it last night plain as day. Balitmore Raven's coach Brian Billick was blowing kisses at New England defensive back Rodney Harrison. At first glance it appeared that the two were jawing back and forth as tempers were flaring due to the intensity of last night's dog fight of a game.

During last night's post game press conference Billick was asked about the situation and his potentially 'unprofessional' behavior. At first he denied comment but after pressing Billick replied "To be honest it had nothing to do with the game. Its really nothing. Rodney and I went out once, I thought we had a good time. But he never called. In hindsight I wish I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing my lips puckered"

Evidently Billick was bombarding Harrison with text messages of 'sweet nothings' in the days leading up to the game with no reply from Rodney. According to sources close to Billick he was a complete mess after day two of texting with no reply. Billick was so desperate to talk to Harrison he even started pulling drive bys late at night to see if Harrison's hotel room light was still on.

I have not been able to get any details on the full extent of the relationship between the two but have a number of leads that I'm following up on. Earlier today Harrison held his own press conference and when asked about the relationship with Billick he replied "So I went out with a guy once. If you drink one glass of wine it doesn't make you a wino".

Orlando