Vanessa Bryant is a 10...

In the past, we've featured photos of Vanessa Bryant, the wife/arm candy of Chieftain's favorite Kobe Bryant, 29.

However, in this music video, you're able to get an up-close and personal look of exactly what I'm talking about. Vanessa Bryant, 25, is the female in the shiny silver get-up that continuously pops in-and-out of frames (in the low-rider...she later shows up in a few frames wearing a red top).

For the record, this is the exact video in which the couple met. In November 1999, Vanessa was working as a back-up dancer in the above video while Kobe was working on his album in the same building (an album which was never released).

* Meaningless Trivia of the Day: Vanessa Bryant is the only person in the world to own an automatic-only Lamborghini Murciélago. For her 19th birthday (2001), Kobe gave her the car as a gift. According to car enthusiast magazine Dub, upon realizing Vanessa could not drive a manual transmission, Kobe had the car converted to an automatic by having a special adapter for the transmission installed. The estimated cost of the car after conversion and customization was $400,000.

Say It Ain't So....Maria !!!!

I happen to think that Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is a friggin' loser. I think his band sucks, and every song I ever hear from them on the radio sounds the same. Throw in the fact that he looks like he hasn't eaten since 1998, and it makes me want to strangle him through the TV. All that being said, I realize this guy gets laid more than eggs. Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman, and most recently....tennis star Maria Sharapova. Well, Adam just couldn't keep his mouth shut. He tells about how awful Maria was in the sack in the upcoming issue of Exile Magazine, a Moscow based alternative magazine. This is painful fellas....

MOSCOW (Context) - The former lover of tennis star Maria Sharapova, Maroon 5's frontman Adam Levine, revealed yesterday why he broke off their brief romance.

"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."

So the girl that screams as if she's being shot when she hits a tennis ball, doesn't even make a peep in the sheets when she's getting pounded? Either Adam Levine isn't doing something right, or Maria Sharapova has to be the biggest poser of all time. Then again, she'd probably be silent with me too, so who am I to throw stones.

30 Years Ago Today...

...Elvis Aaron Presley passed away.

At the age of 42, "The King's" death shocked the world. To date, he is the only performer to have been inducted into four separate music halls of fame.

Back in the late 1960s, composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein remarked: "Elvis is the greatest cultural force in the 20th century. He introduced the beat to everything, music, language, clothes, it's a whole new social revolution...the 60's comes from it."

It has also been claimed that his early music and live performances helped to lay a commercial foundation which allowed other, established performers of the 1950s become recognized. African-American acts, like Fats Domino, Chuck Berry, and Little Richard, came to national prominence after Presley's acceptance among the mass audience of white American teenagers. Little Richard commented: "He was an integrator, Elvis was a blessing. They wouldn't let black music through. He opened the door for black music." It has been claimed that the black-and-white character of Presley's sound, as well as his persona, helped to relax the rigid color line and thereby fed the fires of the civil rights movement.

In 2002, The NY Times observed: "For those too young to have experienced Elvis Presley in his prime, today’s celebration of the 25th anniversary of his death must seem peculiar. All the talentless impersonators and appalling black velvet paintings on display can make him seem little more than a perverse and distant memory. But before Elvis was camp, he was its opposite -- a genuine cultural force...Elvis’s breakthroughs are underappreciated because in this rock-and-roll age, his hard-rocking music and sultry style have triumphed so completely."

With that, let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence...

Making The Band 4 -- Predictions

I don't watch a ton of reality TV...but every once in a while, a reality program comes along that is undeniable gold. For example, some gems include Surreal Life, the Real World/Road Rules Challenges, Flavor of Love...and of the more recent variety -- Rev Run, Rock of Love, and Making The Band 4.

Let's get this out of the way...when I decide I like a show, I dive in deep. It's not out of the realm of possibility for me to watch the same episode several times...just so I may dissect and analyze every detail. I know, I have an OCD problem -- it serves as both my greatest and worst attribute.

Rev Run (I think the Reverend's daughter, Vanessa, is hot) and Rock of Love (I would do dirty things to Jes, pink hair and all) are sure to have their moment in Win Column glory in the coming days, but today is all about Diddy's Making The Band...especially when you consider that last night's episode was supposed to be the season finale. In the end, it wasn't -- Diddy couldn't decide on which 4 members should comprise his latest project. As 10 contestants currently remain, Diddy has asked the viewing public for help in choosing the finished product. Thus, the newly updated season file will now air live on Sunday, August 26th. The 10 challengers are as follows (in alphabetical order):

• Brian A., Brian H., DeAngelo, Donnie, Dyshon, Jeremy, Mike, Qwanell, Robert, and Willie

First of all, I have something that a must get off my chest. I'm pissed about last night's outcome! Considering Diddy's status, there is NO WAY he is being influenced one bit by whom the kid up the street is randomly voting for. Does he really think we're this dumb??? Diddy is worth $346 million...this band is his reputation, his dollars. He's going to pick the 4 contestants which he feels will mesh best together as a group. As a viewer, don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Anyways...although I obviously won't be voting, that won't stop me from weighing in on this subject. Of the 10 potential group members, I could envision 8 of them being selected in certain situations (with Brian H. and Dyshon being the odd ones out).

From a vocal perspective...Robert, Jeremy, Brian A., and "Big" Mike are the best (in that exact order).

From a more overall standpoint (singing, choreography, and presence)...Willie, Donnie, Robert, and Qwanell consistently stand out.

The one I haven't discussed yet is DeAngelo, who tore the house down in the latest sampling (when they opened up for 'New Edition' in front of a sold out crowd). Still, I would have to personally rank DeAngelo as the 8th Man on this squad. Consistency matters.

Which leaves me with this...

I can't foresee any way Robert is left out of the group. He's in. The final 3 spots should come down to 4 potential choices -- those being Jeremy, Willie, Donnie, and Qwanell.

Of the aforementioned 4 candidates, Jeremy is the one performer that doesn't stand out as an "entertainer" while on stage. However, his voice is too strong to let go. For that reason, Jeremy is in.

This is tough!! On one hand, you have Willie...Mr. Consistency. On another hand, you have Donnie...the one that possesses no distinct weaknesses, and would die to make the group. And lastly...you have Qwanell, who comes with the swagger of a superstar. I, for one, think that Willie and Donnie will mesh best with Robert and Jeremy! But, what do I know?

So, there you have it...Chieftain's band consists of:

• Robert (bottom photo), Jeremy (3rd photo from top), Donnie (2nd photo from top), and Willie (top photo)

...I can't wait until August 26th -- I just wish it wasn't 3 weeks from now. By then, no one is even going to remember the show?

What's that, you say? You don't like this post? It's too long? You don't watch this show?? Tough sh*t...I do.

And, for those of you that do watch the show (and I know there's some/many of you out there), it's ok to admit to it. Everyone has their guilty pleasures. I want to hear from you...

Bigger Mogul...Diddy or Jay-Z?

The matchup: Sean John Combs vs. Shawn Corey Carter. Both 37 years old.

In one corner, you have "Diddy" (aka, Sean Combs). To date, he has established Bad Boy Records, has created the Sean John clothing line, owns a movie production company, owns two upscale restaurants, produces MTV's Making the Band, has acted on Broadway, completed the New York Marathon in 2003, has raised $2 million for the New York educational system, dated Jennifer Lopez when in her prime, headed the "Vote or Die" campaign for the 2004 Presidential Election, has been inducted as an honorary member of the Arsenal soccer team, and has won 3 Grammy Awards (nominated for 9 in total).

In turn, he has been criticized for watering down and commercializing hip-hop for a mainstream market and for overusing guest appearances by other artists, as well as samples of past hits for the majority of his own hit songs.

All in all, Puffy is currently the richest hip-hop entertainer, having reeled in a net worth of $346 million.

In the other corner, we've got "Jigga" (aka, Shawn Carter). Jay-Z is one of the owners/founders of the Roc-A-Fella Empire (along with Damon Dash and Kareem "Biggs" Burke), which includes Roc-A-Fella Records, Roc-La-Familia, Roc-A-Fella Films, and Rocawear. Furthermore, he is the President and CEO of Def Jam Recordings, owns the 40/40 Club in NYC and Atlantic City, distributes Armadale (a Scottish vodka), is part-owner of the New Jersey Nets, is said to be considering buying a stake in the aforementioned Arsenal soccer team, serves as co-brand director for Budweiser Select while collaborating with the company on strategic marketing programs and creative ad development, dates Beyonce, and has won 6 Grammy Awards (nominated for 20 in all).

There have been more and more rumors that says Jay-Z will eventually announce he's leaving his position at Def Jam to create a new "super label" with Beyonce...and might take artists such as Nas from Def Jam to his new label. It seems ever likely that Jay-Z will be moving to Columbia Records where partner Beyonce is.

All-in-all, the "Mike Jordan of Mic Recording" is the secondest richest hip-hop entertainer, having a cool net worth estimate of $340 million.

...So, who's the bigger "mogul"? Who's the bigger "brand", in and of himself? Who's currently the face of hip-hop entertainment? In 10 years, who will have pocketed the higher net worth?

...Or, is it Russell Simmons???

Make the Speakers Bleed!

Recently, I have not been able to take this CD out of my stereo. I know not all readers of The Win Column find rap pleasureable on the ears, but this CD is ridiculous! Now when mentioning the greatest rap CD's of all time, Illmatic always gets mentioned. I think the common buddy mentions this out of due respect, but doesn't know the songs nearly as well as the other classics like The Chronic, Ready to Die, or All Eyes on Me. Nevermind the fact that he was only 16 when he made this! In an era of Little John and all this other crap, it's nice to hear something of lyrical substance.

I rap for listeners, blunt heads, fly ladies and prisoners
Henessey holders and old school n*gga$, then I be dissin' a
Unofficial that smoke woolie thai
I dropped out of Cooley High, gassed up by a cokehead cutie pie
Jungle survivor, f*ck who's the liver
My man put the battery in my back,
a difference from Energizer -
Sentence begins indented, with formality
My duration's infinite, money-wise or physiology
Poetry, that's a part of me, retardedly bop
I drop the anciently manifested hip-hop, straight off the block
I reminisce on park jams, my man was shot for his sheep coat
Childhood blessing make me see him drop in my weed smoke.

Go make those Speakers Bleed!

We Get It, R. Kelly is a "Flirt"

According to Billboard.com, R. Kelly is revisiting his short film series "Trapped in the Closet". Ten new installments of the saga will be released on DVD on August 21st, via Jive.

Nielsen SoundScan reports that the first "Trapped in the Closet" DVD has sold 233,000 copies in the United States. Are kidding me???? If R. Kelly can SELL 233,000 copies of trash, why the hell can't The Win Column get 233,000 hits/week. There's no excuse!!

The return of rap's mini-soap opera??? Come on. I mean, seriously -- turn this guy's mic off. Kelly is just as much a creep as is Michael Jackson (MJ diddles little boys, while R. Kelly pisses on little girls). Five years ago, R. Kelly was indicted on 21 counts of having sexual intercourse with a minor. Five years ago!! And, he hasn't yet gone to trial??? Wake up! There's an actual video of Kelly shaggin' a 14-year-old. How much more evidence does one need? Bottom line, R. Kelly's act is old -- he rapes girls and wears basketball jerseys. Enough already.

Remember when he wed Aaliyah back in 1995...only to have it annulled a few months later? At the time, he was 27...and Aaliyah? Well, she was 15!! Along with the 29,000+ sex offenders registered on myspace, lock this creep up! The list of lawsuits which have been brought upon Kelly is unprecedented, starting all the way back to 1991 -- acts which have only picked up since then.

Lastly, I'll leave you with this...referring back to my previous softball post, it has come to my attention that the league is looking into suspending me for the remainder of the season! Are you laughing yet?

http://www.billboard.com/bbcom/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003616292

Kanye West or 50 Cent?

It's official...Kanye has confirmed that he will continue along as planned -- he has moved the release date of his third album, Graduation, up to September 11th (the same day that 50 Cent's third album, Curtis, will also be dropped). Let the "rap games" begin.

So my question is...

Which album will produce the better numbers, as in sales?? SlowStuff?

Personally, I believe both of these rappers to be overrated. Let's face it...Kanye is a better producer than rapper, and 50 Cent is a byproduct of self-promotion ("shot nine times", constant rivalry fueds, GGGGGG-Unit, Eminem's legacy, etc).

At the end of the day, I prefer Kanye's talents over 50 Cent's. Kanye's style is more original, as he often utilizes pitched-up vocal samples with his own drums and instruments. He comes with a soul feel. With that said, I don't expect the numbers to support my opinion -- evidenced by the fact that 50 Cent has achieved multi-platinum success with both his albums, selling over twenty million records worldwide.

How does 'Fiddy' feel about Kanye? Just ask him (take into consideration that the below quotes are slightly over a year old)...

"He puts together witty phrases and he's a great talent as a producer, but I still don't know who Kanye West is when I listen to him. By listening to his records, I don't know who he is — I know he's been in a car accident, that's what I know."

"I feel like Kanye West is successful because of me. After 50 Cent, [hip-hop fans] was looking for something non-confrontational, and they went after first thing that came along. That was Kanye West, and his records have taken off."

From a marketing perspective, the one thing that Kanye has on his side is the favorable reception that his latest two music videos ("Can't Tell Me Nothing" and "Stronger") have received.

Utterly Blown Away

While you terds were rotting away watching TV or pulling your pud, I was taking in the White Stripes show tonight. I considered myself a moderate fan going into the night and left utterly blown away by the performance. They had a monster wall of sound that was as raw as the skin between your legs after you've been walking all day (with no undies). I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that a band with only two people had the most dynamic sound I've heard in quite awhile. From the shear energy of the performance to the complete control they commanded of the set, I think the White Stripes are the last of a dying breed.

I may be completely off here, but on a completely separate note I think Meg White is a sexy, sexy minx. Watching her bounce up and down on that drum stool while she banged her way through Icky Thump had me thinking some very unnatural, and potentially illegal thoughts. But I digress...

Orlando

Clay Aiken Fights Women....and Loses

According to CNN.COM......

Apparently on Saturday morning, Clay Aiken was on a flight to Tulsa....when he had an argument with a female passenger about his foot resting on the woman's arm rest. The woman apparently shoved Aiken...who immediately called flight attendants to have the situation resolved. All passengers aboard the aircraft were forced to stay on the plane until the FBI arrived to interview all responsible for the flight craft commotion. Later on that night at his concert in Tulsa, Aiken joked to his crowd about being beaten up by a girl earlier in the day.

Clay, you're on your own on this one. This is normally where I would make fun of you for frantically pushing the help button on the airplane because a girl shoved you.....but I think the story pretty much speaks for itself. All of your "Claymates" must be devastated that you were assaulted so brutally and innocently. Please come out of the closet....it's embarrassing to watch you parade around like a straight guy just to sell records.

Have a mocha frappe latte, snuggle with your George Clooney poster, and call it a career. You're fired.


http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/08/people.aiken.ap/index.html

Live Earth is Ridiculous

So normally, I would make fun of hippies and environmentalists at any opportunity I had, but after listening to Live Earth around the world today on Sirius.......I have to admit that this is one occasion where they've actually done something right. 100 of the world's best bands playing on all seven continents....with even a band of science researchers rockin' out on a stage set up in Antarctica. Bravo hippies...bravo environmentalists. Today I salute each and every one of you. You have staged the biggest and greatest musical event of all time....which nobody can fault you for. I can only wish that I was at the New York show....pulling up in my SUV, wearing a shirt made by a peasant in a sweat shop, and throwing all of my beer cans in the trash, as opposed to "conforming" to your recycling effort.

Keep up the good work. Peace, love, Rock N' Roll, and Global Warming.

Help Is On the Way....

Get Your #20 jerseys.....fresh off the meter.

Public Enemy said it best when they said....

It might feel good
Sound a lil somethin
Damn the game
If it dont mean nuttin
What is game
Who got game
Wheres the game
In life
Behind the game
Behind the game
I got game
She got game
We got game
They got game
He got game
That millenium
Just be killin em

-Public Enemy, "He Got Game"

CRISP THIS COCO

I love Coco. When I say this, I am not talking about Boston sports. The pimp himself, Ice T, sees this pose frequently. The best thing about Ice T is not his recurring role on Law and Order or his ancient rap albums, the best thing about him is the fact that he sees this pose from tons of chicks......and his wife is cool with it.

Sexual Healing (Continued)

On random occasions, YouTube just will not merge with Blogger when text is included in the body of the YouTube clip. I have no idea why, but it has happened in the past...and I'm sure it will happen again.

Anyways, enough b*tching from me -- when such an incident occurs, my only option is to roll with the punches and follow the YouTube video up with a separate commentary post.

With no further ado, mute your speakers (the song is brutal) and answer me this question...

Visually, where does this video rank in history?? Nurse Beecham, Bubbles, & Bambi...are you kidding me??

Bubble baths, cleavage, booty shorts, lung capacity tests, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and girl-on-girl showers.

I'll say no more -- just watch...

Mike Conley Hasn't Reached Balla Status Yet

To date, I've made it very clear that Mike Conley, Jr. is my favorite player in this draft. I love watching him play. His game is so fundamental...so effortless. When we look back on this draft, Mike Conley will be remembered as the third best player from this year's draft class.

Anyways, all of that is besides the point right now. The point of this blog is that Conley, Jr. recently got a little (or a lot, depending on how you want to look at it) ahead of himself. In Conley's recent blog, he inked the following:

"On the way to the airport something crazy happened to me. I was listening to this song called 'Joke's on You' which is on the new CD by Fabolous, when out of nowhere it sounded like he said my name. I sat there for a minute and thought to myself that I didn't just hear what I thought I heard. So I rewinded it a couple of times to make sure and I found that he definitely used my name in the song. I never thought that my name would ever be used in a song, especially not one by Fabolous. The first person that I called was Greg Oden so I could brag to him. He didn't believe me until he heard it for himself."

You can listen to the song here.

Well, Mike...I'm hear to drop a bomb on you -- Pusha T never mentions your name in the song. Instead, the name he drops is actually that of MIKE COLLIER (at the 2:32 mark of the track)! The entire track is about comedians, which is Collier's exact profession.

Who Would You Rather?

Very slow news day today...

You're Jay-Z. You're 37 years old. You're one of the greatest rappers of all-time. You're the current President and CEO of Def Jam and Roc-A-Fella Records. You co-own the 40/40 Club (which, by the way, is a terrible spot). You're co-owner of the New Jersey Nets. You are the second richest hip-hop entertainer (only behind Sean "Puffy" Combs), having reeled in a net worth of $340 million. In short, you're the "Jigga" Man.

That's all fine and dandy -- but, the real question is...which chick should be "wearing your chain"?? As Jay-Z is clearly cleaning both pipes, who should be Jigga's go-to?

In one corner...we have Beyonce, 25, his current girl. In the other corner, we have...Rihanna, 19 -- the one Sean Carter is said to be "mentoring". Down by 2, who's taking the last shot?

To me, Beyonce defines the term "hit-or-miss" (great abs, dumpy oak trees for legs). Beyonce is beautiful...absolutely flawless face. But, at the same time, she is BIG...as in, large and in-charge...as in, she could whip out a jackhammer down below (if you know what I mean) and it wouldn't come as a surprise. Lastly, it's well documented that Beyonce is very diva-like and high maintenance, an obvious red flag when it comes to bedroom antics...I'm willing to bet the house that she's a bore in the sack when compared to Rihanna.

Rihanna, on the other hand, isn't nearly as accomplished as Beyonce. But, who cares?? Remember...hypothetically speaking, you're Jay-Z!! She's just entering her sexual peak -- and, by the looks of it, she'd be down to "get down" with your entire entourage at a whim's notice.

Me?? In a close call, I'd rather ride with Beyonce, but it's my duty to present you a compelling case. To each his own...

CUUUURTISSSSS

Those who are awaiting the release of 50 Cent's new album, originally set for release on June 26th, will have to wait until September 4th. Fifty's highly anticipated third album has been pushed back to facilitate a worldwide release. "I'm an international artist," 50 Cent said. "My fans worldwide deserve to receive my album at the same time as my fans here in the US. Taking that into consideration moving the album to September was a necessary course of action." Some speculate that he could be taking a break from everything, after selling his 10% share of Glaceau Vitamin Water for $400 million to Coca-Cola. 50's latest singles, "Amusement Park" and "Straight to the Bank" have created much buzz on radio and video channels alike. Also, Fifty has been stirring up some necessary hype in the streets with his ongoing beef with the "Dip Set" general and founder Cam'ron. Say what you will about Fifty Cent, but I feel that only a handful of rappers are holding it down like "Ferrari-50". It's upsetting that we won't be able to enjoy the summer's hottest, most anticipated album until the fall. Look for 50 Cent all this week as he hosts BET's "Rap City" at 5 PM EST.

Big Time Musician....or Stud Athlete?

Which would you rather be? At first thought, I absolutely wanted to be the stud athlete...the Jeter, Jordan, or Brady....but let me tell you, being a big time musician (Dave Matthews, Timberlake, Bono, Jay-Z) is nothing to take lightly. I think we can all agree that both groups get an insane amount of women....more than anyone could dream of. They have dimes throwing themselves at them in a different city or country every friggin' day. That sounds like a taste of heaven to me. I blame my parents for not giving me the genes to become a 6'2" 245 lbs. middle linebacker in the NFL, or the gift to use my fat fingers to toca la guitarra. Here's for making a case to be either a stud musician or a stud athlete.....it's a lot tougher of a decision than you think, even if you are a sports fanatic like this kid.

Athlete: You're probably in bomb shape, so the women have no problem bodying the hell out of you. You're the man in your home city, the absolute man. If you're a Yankee, you own NY....if you're a Red Sox, you can't even go out in Boston without a police escort. Guys wanna be you, chicks wanna be on you. You're on TV for 6 months a year, sometimes every day, sometimes once a week...but at that time, the entire region focuses it's attention on you. You can look into the stands and take home any single chick you want to...pretty much. When you go out, people will talk amongst themselves that you're even in the building. Talk about having your pick of the litter. Spend a couple of hours perusing the place, and find a 10 to take home. You're a god damn stud. Don't even get me started about away games....that's when the orgies take place. The downside is that you have certain standards and rules to uphold with your respective league. You can't test positive for extra curricular activities, and you have to stay in somewhat reasonable shape.

Musician: People bob their head to your $hit. You're in millions of CD players, IPOD's, on TV all the time, and you get to attend every single awards show known to man. You pretty much party 24/7, as your life is one big concert. Clubs, bars, house parties....you're meeting women every night, ingesting whatever substances you want to ingest, and living your life care free from rules and regulations. Chicks get moist when they listen to your music, so when they have a chance to actually meet you, they pretty much want to ride the hell out of you, and call it a day. And let's get to the meat and potatoes of being a musician.....the concert tour. Every night there are thousands of women that make a push for your after party backstage....and guess what, you let in whoever the hell you want. It's probably your boy that lets in the most insane lookin' chicks you've ever seen....and their ultimate goal is to sleep with you, so that they can tell their friends. And unlike athletes....occasionally your tour goes worldwide....and what happens in Europe stays in Europe. You're pampered wherever you go, and you can have an orgy arranged before your show if you want.....everyone caters to your needs. Be greedy. There's a chance you don't have a spec of athletic ability, and your body could go do hell....and hopefully you don't become a one hit wonder, because you don't have a contract like an athlete. If you get hurt, or fall off the map with terrible tunes....everyone will forget about you forever. You'll just be another average Joe, probably bankrupt because you spent all your money on blow, women, cars, and 5 houses.

Suds loves sports...but a good case can be made for both. The musicians make a strong case for themselves....and I know this is a "sports" blog. Yeah right. We love chicks. They make the world go round. Who would you rather be?

99.9% of Chicks are Friggin' Lunatics

I always figured Carrie Underwood to be one of those "goody-goody" chicks that would tounge the hell out of you at a bar, but then leave you with blue balls as you walk home with a much less attractive chick at last call. So imagine my surprise when I was listening to Channel 1 on Sirius radio (don't ask why...it was just on, so deal with it) and for the first time I heard this Carrie Underwood song. When it got to the chorus, my mouth dropped. It goes a little sumthin' like 'dis....hit it........

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,

Carved my name into his leather seats.

I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights,

Slashed a hole in all 4 tires.

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I realize that Carrie Underwood just looks good and probably didn't write a lick of this song, but she has the "balls" to sing it, so we're gonna assume she did. What a friggin' psycho. Your boyfriend cheats on you, so you completely trash his car? Judging from your analysis....you'll need keys, a baseball bat, and a knife. Listen up honey, maybe that's why he's cheating on you in the first place.....you're a goddamn lunatic. The chick he's bangin' now probably isn't planning on trashing his car over a little hanky panky. Trashing a dude's car over cheating is a little much, no? Get over it, move on. Go to the local bar, show your ta-ta's, and go home with some other dude that's gonna get it done. You're pretty hot....why all the hostility? I'd bang ya.

Not all chicks are psycho....there is .1% of the population missing that chromosome....but, they live in the depths of the Amazon, and could not be reached for comment.

You're Always on my Mind

I'd like to send a birthday shout out to the red-headed stranger himself, Willie Nelson. Throughout his life, he's been screwed, blued, and tattooed in every way possible by the government. Its ranged from getting hunted down because he enjoys the squiff, or sending him a bill for $16.7 Mil in back taxes in 1990 (I know what you're thinking Suds, just another hippie that doesn't want to pay taxes.....relax he paid the debt off in '93 and is currently paying your salary). Throughout the adversity, Willie has managed to stay sober long enough to establish Farm Aid, serve on the advisory board for NORML, and define our culture's vision of the American troubadour. Oh, yea....he also starred in "Red Headed Stranger" with this chick (Morgan Fairchild). So congrats Willie, keep touring the country in your biodiesel bus and happy trails. Enjoy a 'j' on us tonight.