Saturday, May 12, 2007

Do Da Heizman On 'Dat Ho

Memo to Reggie Bush -- take notes...

Reggie Bush Loves Sloppy Seconds

The latest rumor links Reggie Bush with Kim Kardashian. One word comes to mind...IDIOT.

Yes, Kardashian possesses a jaw-dropping chest...but, come on -- this is the best Reggie Bush can pull?? He's one of the most popular athletes in the world, for Christ's sake! He should have his picking of any strange that he so chooses. Instead, he opts for this boob?? Kardashian has banged and made sex tapes with every D-List celebrity in Hollywood.'re better than this -- step your game up!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Did Someone Mention Diane Lane??

Call me crazy, but I've had a HUGE crush on Diane Lane ever since the movie, Unfaithful, was released. Coincidentally, Lane was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Actress for her performance in this movie.

Diane is a freak, in every sense of the word. Either that...or she's a really, really talented "actress". Sh*t, she's the daughter of former Playboy centerfold Colleen Farrington.

In all seriousness, I've watched Unfaithful (say what you want...I don't care) several times now...just to see her get plowed all movie long -- in the apartment, in the hot tub, in the stairwell, and in the public restroom!

Diane - you may be 42, but believe me when I tell you...I'd be down to teach YOU a few things. Believe that!!

Ode to the Over 40 Club

I was recently reading an article about Maria Bello (pictured above), and not only was I archiving the pictures for later spanktravision use, but I got to thinking about the HUGE number of smoking hot chicks that are out there, over 40, that I would absolutely lose a limb for in exchange for a sick make-out session, and maybe some heavy petting. So, maybe I find older women more attractive than the average bear. Hell, I'd even start an over 60 Club, with the charter members being Sofia Loren, Bridgett Bardot, Raquel Welsh (pictured above), and Ann Margaret (I know what you're thinking, but before you yourself a favor and google these chicks and be honest with yourself). I mean, they say chicks don't hit their sexual peak until they're 45, right? So if what they say is true, these chicks are prime targets. I, for one, wouldn't mind being shown a trick or two by some 40+ year-old vixen who's been around the block a few times.

I encourage any and all feedback, but a few names I'll throw out there as charter members for the over 40 Club are Maria Bello, Vivica A. Fox, Diane Lane, Sheryl Crow (so what if she doesn't wipe) and Heather Locklear. Have at it boys....

Because It's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiday

"I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got $hit to do!"

This video looks like a typical day on the college house porch before and after class. God what I wouldn't give to go back to college. I'd probably black out even harder than I do right now. There's a good chance I'd have 5 write ups before the sun went down on the first day of orientation. I miss seeing hot chicks in sweatpants in the cafeteria, and giving them the creepiest hungover stare you've ever seen a male human perform. I miss skipping class and getting absolutely cocked on Keystone Light. I miss thursday night keg parties and punching holes in the wall after missing every shot. Will one of you goddamn losers invent a time machine so I can go back to the Motley Crue days of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Someone should invent an 8 year college, where you take like 2 classes a semester. Imagine how rocked you'd get if you only had 2 classes? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a funnel and chug beers until I puke on the side yard.

Random Hot Chick of the Day - Leticia Cline

Gentlemen, and ladies that appreciate how hot chicks really are, I present to you the random hot chick of the day, Leticia Cline, 29 and from the USA.

Leticia is a smokin' hot chick, that's clearly obvious to anyone that has any pigmentation in their miserable retnas, but what you don't know about this southern bell, is that she's very smart too, which I know a lot of our readers out there really care about. She is of Irish and Swedish decent, and has a degree from the University of Kentucky with a double major of psychology and finance. Just when you thought she couldn't get any hotter, she is also a Certified Public Accountant, too, so she can cook your books, cook your dinner, and toss around steamers at any time of the day.

Leticia, I don't know you...but I think we should date. Sure, you're way richer than I am, and you're probably taller than me too, but I have no problem being your personal slave and man wh*re until you want to drop me off on the side of the road in Kentucky and watch me get chased by redknecks and wild boars. I'd even sleep in a kennel outside, so I won't take up too much of your king sized bed which is probably as soft as a cloud and smells like body spray. Call me, we can make moves....and get weird if you want.

Take That Toddlers

A Japanese hospital in Tokyo has established a new "drop-box" center for women who want to give away their babies quickly and painlessly. Once the baby is dropped off, and the mother skiddaddles....there is an alarm that will go off to alert nurses that there is a new toddler that's ready to join the crew.

Huh? I feel like I just smoked some laced goods and wandered around the enchanted forest for 5 hours while I have panic attack, after panic attack. I know there is a population problem in Asia....but a toddler drop box??????? Wow, I've always said all along how smug toddlers are. Most people would probably say this system is probably a good way to prevent abortions and abandonments in crowded places. How do you feel now toddlers? We're taking back the world from you. You're such a drain on the economy and society that we're establishing places that we can leave your smug a$$es and go back to our normal lives. I bet you toddlers thought you'd get a little TLC with your binkys and "goo goo gah gahs," WRONG!!!!!!!!!! Now you're someone else's problem. All you do is eat, crap, and cry...and although that sounds like a normal day for most of the degenerates that read this website....frankly, I'm sick of toddlers.

Where's your Tonka truck, toddler? I threw it on I-495 and watched cars crush it into go cure Cancer or AIDS and do something productive, you smug bastards.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I Love Me a Good Cat Fight

I saw a pretty decent cat fight last night at the bar. Actually, even better, it was in the parking lot after the bar. Some girl tried to throw a sucker punch, and wiffed miserably....which is where the panther absolutely pounced on its prey. Hair pulling, slapping, even a couple of closed fist shots were thrown in there in the 20 second altercation. I had front row seats, and I wish I had a bucket of popcorn, because I could have watched that all night long!

What is it about cat fights that get guys so riled up? Do you even have to ask that damn question? It's two chicks going blow for blow in a no holds barred cage match. There are articles of clothing that could be ripped off at any second, which gives perverts, such as myself, the opportunity to see what kind of goods they're workin' with. From my experience, the Bra, or brasiere, is the most commonly exposed article of clothing after a cat fight. Do I mind seeing a nice pair of breasts in a nice bra, absolutely not. I think the female body is the greatest thing in the world, slipping right ahead of Bud Light. And when you mix the two......dim the lights.....we can make magic happen.


You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

The Eagle-Tribune reports...

A former teacher from Haverhill was sent to jail for 2 1/2 years yesterday after admitting that he had violated the terms of his probation on an earlier rape charge by surfing the Internet and setting up a MySpace page. Gregory Pathiakis, 27, of 6 Colonial Farm Road, appeared stunned as he was ordered into custody by Lawrence Superior Court Judge Richard Welch.

“You’ve been given a break and you’ve blown it,” Welch told Pathiakis, who pleaded with him for another chance. Pathiakis (pictured above) had been on probation after he pleaded guilty last year to raping a 15-year-old student on the South Shore. “I readily admit my judgment was awful in this case,” Pathiakis said. But the prospect of being sent to jail “has scared the daylights out of me. I will do anything to avoid going to jail,” he pleaded, offering to submit to house arrest and quit his jobs if it would keep him out of jail.

In January 2006, Pathiakis, a Methuen native who is a graduate of Central Catholic High School and the son of an Andover police sergeant, pleaded guilty in Brockton Superior Court to statutory rape, child enticement, and child pornography charges. He received a suspended 2 1/2-year sentence and five years of probation. The charges stem from incidents that occurred in December 2003.

Pathiakis had been working as a teacher at Middleboro High School, but resigned after school officials confronted him about inappropriate online contact he had with students. Three weeks later, Pathiakis invited a 15-year-old male student to watch a hockey game and then brought him to his Brockton apartment, where they had sex. They had also exchanged e-mails. The teen initially told investigators that he had been forced into having sex in Pathiakis’s Jeep, but later acknowledged that there had been no force and that the act had taken place at the teacher’s apartment. The student was just a few weeks shy of his 16th birthday, and therefore legally below the age of consent.

Now-retired Judge Suzanne DelVecchio said at the time of sentencing that was one of the factors she considered in giving Pathiakis a suspended sentence. Since being given probation, Pathiakis has lived in the Merrimack Valley, for a time with his parents in Methuen and more recently in Haverhill. He worked two jobs, at a Marblehead-based airport shuttle service and at a Chili’s in Andover, his lawyer said. Because he was living in this area, his case was transferred to Lawrence Superior Court. But Welch said that Pathiakis did not take advantage of the break he was given, even though he had been warned not to use the Internet except for work-related reasons.

“Obviously, there have been repeated violations,” said Welch, after looking at a stack of printouts, including a MySpace page under the name “Stoneice02,” an entry about hockey authored by Pathiakis on the Wikipedia Web site, and the results of Internet searches for pornography. The MySpace page featured a photo of Pathiakis and another man, and listed his hobby as “drinking” — another thing the judge had barred him from doing while on probation. All the while, Pathiakis repeatedly told his probation officer, David Barretto, that he was not using the Internet. Barretto urged the judge to impose the suspended sentence. Defense lawyer Fred McAlary described his client’s violation as “technical,” saying “The Internet is a way of life for young people today.” He asked the judge to give Pathiakis another chance. Welch disagreed, calling the violation “substantive.” The judge made his comment after hearing from the victim of the rape and the teen’s mother, who told the judge yesterday, “I really believe he hasn’t learned his lesson.”

Ok, for those of you who don't know who Greg Pathiakis is...he attended Stonehill College -- and graduated a year before many of the contributors on this site. He referred to himself as "Stat Man", as that was his designated role as a manager of the hockey team.

Around campus (it's a smaller campus), it was well known that this pickle was, indeed, gay. Whether you like it or not, he was continuously mocked for his extra-curricular activities. Why? Because he would bring it upon himself.

To be honest, I don't think I ever said a single word to him in my life -- as I tend to get creeped out by that "kind" of stuff. What I do know that, during my junior year, he lived in the same suite as a couple of my good friends. While we would be up late doing what most college guys do, it was not uncommon for us to hear "Stat Man" getting into heated arguments (aka, love quarrels) with his live-in "boyfriend". Swearing, breaking of possessions, slapping...all which would inevitibly lead to make-up a$$ pounding (I just made myself sick).

JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED -- here's to hoping "Stat Man" gets what he deserves in the coming years...

That's a Kick In the Sack If I've Ever Seen One

Steve McNair was arrested early Wednesday morning for his second DUI in 4 years. Sounds pretty common, no? He got cocked, got behind the wheel of his $100,000 car, and got caught. Wrong. McNair wasn't even driving the friggin' car!!!!!!!!!!! Get this, in the state of Tennessee (listen up Commodore, this could apply to you) can get a DUI if you are an intoxicated passenger in the car of someone else that's intoxicated. Confused? I think that is the most retarded thing I've ever heard of. I mean, if you want to really get serious, shouldn't the passenger face a different charge than "Driving Under the Influence?" McNair was obviously annihilated and was probably having some high quality puntang follow him home, when he gets the ultimate kick in the nuts. McNair could even be suspended by the NFL because technically it's his second dewey, and the NFL has a no tolerance policy. If I were McNair, I'd just start smoking tons of weed right now. I mean like pounds of weed. How could his life get any worse? I'd hire one of my buddies to just drive me around while I bar hop and do creepy things in the back of the Cadillac Escalade I'd own. Go directly to the bar, McNair, and drink until you puke and piss your pants. Why? Because you're a jerk....and you suck anyway.

Pele the Pakistani???

According to an Aftenposten publication, a coordinated effort by police in Norway and Brazil on Wednesday led to the arrest of 17 people in Norway and an additional 10 in Brazil. The suspects are believed to be linked to the Pakistani B-Gang, and the raids were aimed at crippling their business dealings and arresting key members. Five of six brothers believed to be the central family in the gang are now in custody, and the raids in Brazil focused on property development authorities link to money laundering.

The apartment complex King's Flat in Natal was one of the spots raided in Brazil. It is suspected that Pelé is one of the partners in this project and will be questioned about his role.

A Norwegian is behind the King's Flat development but Pelé is the public face of the project. The Norwegian in question was arrested on Wednesday.

Assets worth between $50-66 million were confiscated in the Brazilian action.

Because They Deserve to be Made Fun Of

There's not much I can say, except the fact that I despise male football cheerleaders. I could go on a 5 day rant about how it's just not right. I want to see smokin' hot chicks cheerleading...not some guy in tight shorts with his junk bulge. Play a sport for fu*ks sake. I don't care if it's chess...just don't cheerlead. Please. Leave the "rah rah siss boom bah" to the skantily clad women on the sidelines. We want to look at them....we'd rather punch our two front teeth out than listen to anything you have to say. Just go away. I'm begging you.

Baron Davis Gets High...Real High...

During halftime of Saturday night's Game 7 between Utah-Houston, the TNT crew interviewed (via satellite) Golden State's Baron Davis and Jason Richardson. Innocent enough, right?

The interview was hilariously awkward. Because...B-Diddy had just finished off a blunt (no question about it). In all seriousness, his eyes were COMPLETELY closed, he chuckled the entire time, and his eyes/head were on a constant swivel.

(In honor of Baron's overall greatness -- interview included -- thus far this postseason, I present you a clip of ankles being which Baron is featured several times).

Yankees sign Clemens, Hindenburg explodes.

Just like the Hindenburg the Yankees are doomed. Oh the humanity!!!!

Rebecca Romijn's Lap Dance

What the hell ever happened to Rebecca Romijn Stamos?

She provides the general public with the world's greatest strip tease and then divorces "Uncle Joey"...and, all of sudden, disappears???

Derek Fisher is My Hero

Derek Fisher arrived at the EnergySolutions Arena just in time for the Utah Jazz, playing stout defense and not missing a shot on his way to 5 points and 3 assists in nine minutes as the Jazz beat the Warriors in overtime, giving them a 2-0 lead in the best-of-7 series.

Fisher's story is overwhelming to say the least, as his daughter has a rare form of eye cancer that required an emergency operation today (a cancerous tumor was found between the eye and brain of his infant daughter before Game 1 of this series). Re-read that sentence.

With his family, he flew from New York to Utah...just in time to enter the game with 3:18 remaining in the third quarter. He mentioned after the game that parents need to have their kids' eyes checked just after hitting the biggest shot of the game - a three pointer that put the Jazz up six points with 1:05 left in overtime.


Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Will Ali Larter Be There??

According to The Dallas Morning News, hundreds of fans camped out in a storm hoping for a chance to spend a small fortune ($660 for a measly 4 HIGH SCHOOL football games) on season tickets for Southlake Carroll high school football -- three-time national champs...and state champs 4 out of the last 5 years.

Demand is so high, they will pay $90 just for a license, a permit giving them the right to buy tickets for the next three years. Many of these fans are trying to get season tickets now because they're afraid they won't be able to get them when their kids finally get to high school.

"My son's only going to be in seventh grade," said one.

"I have one that's in second grade," said another.

"Genocide Olympics"

Rick Reilly's column in this week's Sports Illustrated foreshadows what will become the biggest story in sports in 2008, when Beijing hosts the Summer Olympics. Reilly writes:

"According to the Council on Foreign Relations, China buys about two thirds of Sudan's oil. The Sudanese government then uses the majority of its oil profits to buy weapons and aircraft, most of them made by China. The arms are turned over to a proxy militia, the Janjaweed, which burns, dismembers, rapes and kills Darfur's villagers and destroys their land. China maintains that it doesn't interfere with the internal politics of other nations, and using that policy it has blocked U.N. efforts to send a peacekeeping force into Darfur by insisting that Sudan first invite the troops in."

...Not to get political, but these games represent a "coming out" opportunity for China -- a chance to show itself anew to a world whose memories of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre have largely faded. Despite continuing gross human rights abuses throughout China, and the brutal repression of Tibet, Beijing must take advantage of this event. Will they??

You've Either Got a Wicked Jump Shot....

According to a John Mellencamp's Blender interview, some prominent past Celtics did their fair share of dope...

"I've known Larry Bird since we were kids. When he was on the Celtics and I was playing in Boston, he and Kevin McHale would come to my dressing room after the show and smoke me under the table."

Does this come as any surprise?? I mean...they were best boys with Robert Parish. "The Chief" was/is the basketball version of Tim Raines. In all seriousness though, basketball and chronic go hand-in-hand (just ask Baron Davis, who was out of his mind in this past Saturday's TNT interview).

How else would you explain some of the moves McHale has made since taking over as VP of Basketball Operations for the Timberwolves??

Lastly, did you know that five members of the 1985-1986 Celtics' championship team has served as an NBA head coach? Kevin McHale, Larry Bird, Danny Ainge, Rick Carlisle, and the late Dennis Johnson.

Donkey Business

Schilling, in his weekly appearance on sports radio WEEI's "Dennis and Callahan" show, was asked if baseball fans should hold their noses while watching Barry Bonds's pursuit of Hank Aaron's all-time Major League home run record.

"Oh yeah. I would think so. I mean, he admitted that he used steroids," said Schilling. "I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game, so I think the reaction around the league, the game, being what it is, in the case of what people think. Hank Aaron not being there. The commissioner [Bud Selig] trying to figure out where to be. It's sad."

"And I don't care that he's black, or green, or purple, or yellow, or whatever. It's unfortunate... there's good people and bad people. It's unfortunate that it's happening the way it's happening."

In order to not come across as a "homer", please allow me a minute to take a breath and collect my thoughts...

Curt Schilling...SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!!!

You don't know what you're talking about...your "facts" are inaccurate. This is ALL a ploy to circulate more attention on you.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you won 2 World Series rings with the following players (and continuously praise the efforts of Mike Lowell, the google definition of steroids):

  • Gabe Kapler
  • David Ortiz (it's not a coincidence that I haven't mentioned a peep about his recent comments)
  • Johnny Damon
  • Nomar Garciaparra
  • Matt Williams
  • ...the list goes on-and-on
No one (yes, not even Curt Schilling) should even be allowed to talk about diminishing Bonds' records. If you want to take away his MVP's and home runs, then take away Don Sutton’s and Gaylord Perry’s Hall of Fame plaques. Take way Norm Cash’s batting title. Take away Mike Scott’s perfect game. They all cheated, just as surely as Bonds, Giambi, and Ken Caminiti did. As surely as more players that you want to know about did.

What Bonds and these others did was deeply rooted in the game. Pete Rose and most players of his generation couldn’t take batting practice without first downing a handful of “greenies”. Willie Mays kept a bottle of “red juice” in his locker — the same stuff as greenies, but in a liquid form. You can’t say Hank Aaron was clean, because we don’t know what stimulants he took (it's well documented that that he survived off of amphetamines during his playing career). The situation is what it is -- shut up and play...

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

R.I.P. Diego "Chico" Corrales

"Chico", whom won titles in two weight classes, died in a motorcycle accident on Monday night.

The lanky Corrales stood 5 feet 10 1/2 inches, but fought most of his career at 130 pounds. The 29-year-old was a big puncher best known for getting up after two 10th-round knockdowns to stop Jose Luis Castillo in one of the most thrilling fights ever. The fight took place May 7, 2005, exactly two years from the night he died. It was named by the Boxing Writers Association of America and numerous boxing publications as the fight of the year (if the Blogger system wasn't under construction, I would post the YouTube clip of the aforementioned 10th round -- it's an insane clip...the BEST fight of the past 15 years...a fight that will be discussed until the day we die).

His promotor, Gary Shaw, was quoted as saying, "He fought recklessly and he lived recklessly. That was his style."

You can say that again!

On the flip side...outside of the boxing ring, this guy was a scumbag. He once completed 14 months of time in the clink for beating his PREGNANT wife. While pregnant, Maria Corrales (all 98 pounds of her...seriously) suffered a broken collarbone, jaw, and ribs in the scuffle.

I'm not trying to make light of Corrales' death...just stating the facts. These facts are the reason why I never really appreciated his athletic prowess and warrior-like mentality.

Guess What....We Don't Give a Sh*t

To echo the comments made by 'Suds the yankees signed Roger Clemens.....big friggin' deal. Aside from the fact that he's eligible for social security in a few months, and he looks more bloated then a chick 3 days into her menstral cycle, I think he's a bum. And I'm not even going to give him credit for being one of the best right-handed pitchers ever either.....if he were standing in front of me I'd spit in his fat face and kick him in the shins......then take my beating (after he finished his extra large italian sub of course).

Newsflash Yankee fans......CLEMENS IS NOT THE ANSWER.....for various reasons. One, he will not provide that 'spiritual lift' you idiots have been talking about over the past 24 hours. As soon as he makes his triumphant (and i use that term loosely) return to Fenway in June and gets the absolute crap kicked out of him, Yankee Nation is going to be more depressed then when 'Suds wakes up on a Monday morning. Two, he's not going to get you to Mariano Rivera, so you're going to have to use the pen, which is consequently ranked second to last, next to the Bad News Bears. And even if you do get to Rivera.....he stinks too! Do these numbers mean anything to you....10.2 IP, 14H, 10ER, and 3 blown saves??? They should because they represent your hopes and dreams floating, like a turd, down the toilet. So, in closing...all you Yankee fans stink, stick that in your pipe and smoke it. And one more thing, Mariano...way to hang out with hot chicks, and sick hair line buddy.

Congratulations to Our Playboy Playmate of the Year 2007

I would like to personally congratulate Sara Jean Underwood on her title of Playboy's Playmate of the Year 2007. Miss July 2006 was a Senior at Oregon State University at the time of her issue. Go Beavers! Her first stint in Playboy came in October 2005 where she sported a body paint version of the Beavers uniform. Wow. I'm speechless with this chick. I'm willing to say that the Pac-10 might have the hottest chicks out of any other conference in NCAA sports. UCLA, USC, AU, ASU....and now...Oregon State has chicks like this? Damn. Good thing I went to a small liberal arts college in Easton, MA....what the fu*k was I thinking? I should have been tounging girls out west on the warm weather 24/7. College in the Northeast was only ridiculously fun in September and April-May when the weather was ridiculous and girls would break into their summer gear.

I envy the Commodore for going back to college....especially since he'll be in Nashville, TN, at a college that has been rated to have the hottest girls in the country since 1984. Good for you, buddy. Why I didn't do this is beyond belief. You're going to be in warm weather, hooking up with southern bells all the time. I need a Southern Bell.....or a Western Bell......hell.....gimme a friggin' Bell. Look at how hot chicks are in the South, and out West. I can't even think straight right now, I'm so distracted. I absolutely love this girl.

Sara Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son.

I know some of you are at work....but if you're not...or you don't mind being a complete pervert at work.....have some fun with the below links. Enjoy.

Superman Steve Smith Gets Paid......FINALLY!!!!!!!!

Steve Smith and the Carolina Panthers agreed on a six-year deal that will pay the WR $45 million dollars. The contract is not backloaded, and Smith will become the 2nd highest paid wideout in the NFL, behind Marvin Harrison.

It's about friggin' time that this guy got paid. The Panthers would be one of the worst teams in the NFL if it wasn't for Steve Smith constantly bailing out Jake Delhomme over-and-over again with his acrobatic catches and non-stop highlight reel touchdowns. He was only making $4.5 million + in his current deal, and WR's such as Kevin Curtis and Drew Bennett would have been making more than him in their current deals. Those two couldn't hold Steve Smith's jock. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say, when healthy, Steve Smith is the best wide receiver in the NFL. Yeah, I said it. Take it from a guy who bet on the Carolina Panthers pretty much every single week last year. No WR means more to their team, than Steve Smith means to the Panthers. He's that good. And if he's able to stay healthy this year, he's going to have another monster season.....touchdowns, yards, the whole friggin' sha-bang. It's a good thing Steve Smith is my keeper. Now he'll get to camp on time, stretch those hammies, and get back into the swing of things. It's safe to say that I'll 100% defend my fantasy football title this year. I'm glad my boy got paid. There are too many scrub WR's making too much paper....and this guy is an absolute stud. He's not a punk either, which makes this even more rewarding for fans who want to see a classy player get the respect he deserves. Sure, he might have some exotic endzone celebrations....but he's not fathering a child every 3 weeks, shooting clubs, or rolling his tit$ off on Ecstasy. He's not selling crack, or killing people (a la Ray Lewis). He's the kind of guy the NFL needs to make an example out of, in the right way. See you in September, Steve.

We Have a Younger Version of the Rocket

We don't need an almost 45-year-old Roger Clemens on the hill, because we have a younger, more energetic version of "The Rocket" looking to improve to 7-0 tonight. That's right you smug pricks, Josh Beckett looks to become the first Red Sox pitcher since the aforementioned Clemens, in 1991, to start the season with a 7-0 record. He's two wins away from the 8-0 Red Sox record held by Babe Ruth (1917), Dave Ferriss (1947), and Roger Moret (1973). Beckett has been friggin' nasty so far this season. He's only allowed one home run in 39 and 2/3 innings, a far cry from all the gopher balls he allowed last season. Beckett has a new swagger about himself. I'm not sure if he's getting laid more, partying less, partying more, or if he just learned to relax and let his 97 MPH fastball speak for itself. He's a completely different pitcher this season. You can see it on the mound, you can hear it in his voice during interviews. He's as relaxed as Chuck-Diesel and Nightmare after their 5th bowl pack of the day.

Tonight isn't make or break for Beckett, however, he is facing a team that absolutely owns him. The Blue Jays (and their stud Vernon Wells) hit absolute moon shots off Beckett all of last year. It was painful to watch. I had to drink the pain away, which wasn't really a problem at all for me. Beckett was 1-2 with a 6.21 ERA and 8 HR allowed in 5 starts against the Blue Jays last year. Yikes. Sounds like my Babe Ruth pitching statistics against the YAC. Only my stats were 100% way worse because they had kids on steroids, and all sorts of narcotics at the time.

Who needs Roger Clemens. He's an old, selfish prick. I'm pretty sure him and Andy Pettitte shower together and wash each other's grundle before and after games. It's cool to have buddies, but following each other around starts to get a little weird for me. It's cool if you guys are gay, but you should just come out and admit it, so the rest of us can get our comments ready for games at the Fens. 4.5 million bucks for a guy to pitch and not always travel with the team just seems ridiculous to me. Granted he's one of the greatest pitchers of all time, but not traveling with the team just seems like a slap in the face to me. Like veterans such as Posada, Jeter (I know he's single Chieftain....relax), Mussina, Pettitte, and AROD wouldn't like to spend more time with their families? F you, Clemens. You're setting a bad example for baseball players in their 40's. I can see this becoming a trend. Yeah, I'll play.....see you in June, and oh yeah, by the way.....I'm only showing up on days that I pitch.....thanks.

You should've just stayed home Roger. It's a joke. Jay-Z said it best when he said "I didn't say I retired...I said I was real tired." Simply Suds, out.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Best of the Rest (NBA Power Rankings)

1. San Antonio - Great coach. Veteran leadership. Superstar player (in Duncan). Great defense. Great role players. Can win while playing any tempo. Your 2007 Champions.

2. Detroit - This just basketball wins. I could watch Billups & Hamilton play for days -- they are so fundamentally sound. They don't force anything. Unbelievable defensive team. Is there any lingering doubt that Ben Wallace was a product of Detroit's system...and not vice versa??

3. Phoenix - Come playoffs, Steve Nash is a liability -- he can't cover his own shadow. Great offensive player...very exciting to watch, but he stands NO chance of EVER leading his team to a championship. D'Antoni would be better served playing Barbosa more minutes than Nash in this series vs. San Antonio. Who can D'Antoni possibly stick Nash on?? Tony Parker? Laughable, as Parker is the second fastest player in the NBA (only behind Barbosa). Manu Ginobili? Way too physical -- he'd score at will, either via dribble penetration and/or his patented fade-away. Michael Finley? Much stronger and taller -- he'd be able to launch 3's as if it were practice. If the Suns want to win more than 1 game in this series, they're going to have to implement a zone at some point. But, then again...a zone would further expose their rebounding deficiencies. Yeah, they have no shot against San Antonio.

4. Utah - Solid in every aspect, except that they lack that one go-to scorer that possesses the ability to take over a game. Exceptional frontcourt play, at least offensively. Deron Williams is a rock at the point -- is going to be a superstar for many years to come.

5. Chicago - They were exposed in Game 1 -- Detroit's Tayshaun Prince is a lock-down defender. He may be the most underrated player in the NBA (did you know that this twig once dated Serena Williams -- oddest couple ever??). They will be lucky to take a game from Detroit, as they play the same style -- but, haven't yet mastered it.

6. Golden State - As long as they stick around, I will root for them. Unfortunately, I don't think they can topple Utah. Biedrins to their lone low-post presence (and he disappears for stretches). Deron Williams is surprisingly quick on defense -- and, Kirilenko can guard any position on the court. Utah's Boozer and Okur can be exposed defensively, but Golden State has no punch on the blocks.

7. Cleveland - Both Cleveland and New Jersey are average teams, at best. Neither team has a prayer of advancing beyond this round. If someone can step up and become that consistent #2 scorer (ideally it would be Larry Hughes), they should successfully advance -- only to get smoked by Detroit.

8. New Jersey - Kidd, Carter, and Jefferson make up a formidible trio (although all have passed their prime). In order to make this series interesting, they will need to dictate the pace. Cleveland clearly cannot run with them, yet the Nets didn't fastbreak at all in Game 1. Instead, they settled for 3-point jumper after 3-point jumper. Their frontcourt of Jason Collins and Mikki Moore is disgusting -- they pose no threat on either end of the court.

Parasite's Going to the Clink

As first reported by TMZ.COM last week, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail. No if's, and's, or but's about it. No house arrest, no suspended sentence, instead she'll be heading to the clink in less than a month.

A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in L.A. County jail for violating her probation in a reckless driving case. Judge Michael T. Sauer handed down the harsh sentence, telling Paris she will not be allowed work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail. She must do the time! An emotional Paris, with tears welling up in her eyes, told the judge moments before the decision "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Witnesses inside the courtroom say that Paris' parent, Rick and Kathy Hilton, were both visibly upset as the sentence was handed down. Kathy, we're told, was especially distraught. Paris will serve her sentence at the Century Regional Detention Facility (CRDF). She will begin her sentence on June 5."

Wow. I'm speechless. This whore is finally gonna get to live like a common folk. No amount of money can change the judge's decision....hahahahahaha. This is awesome. Unless she just stays in her cell, or smuggles in bundles of cash to pay people off.....Paris is going to get the crap kicked out of her by tons of butch's and gangsta b*tches. That's sick. They should keep a camera focused on her underwear-less body 24 hours a day for a reality TV they did in that movie "Ed." I can't stand this stuck up skank. She is an absolute retard, and thinks she can do whatever she wants because she has boatloads of money. Guess what you douchebag....for 45 days, you're going to lose your freedom. No cell phones, money, booze, casual unprotected sex (with men), Ferraris, Porches, Range Rovers, tank tops, thongs, lip gloss, and whatever else your cu*ty self needs on a daily basis. Have fun in the clink while everyone else enjoys a summer without seeing your lazy eye all over the tabloids and TV. Thank you God. Thank you.

All that being said, I'd still totally do her. What? Maybe I wouldn't use a rubber. It would be like winning the lottery knocking her up. No?

Monday's Star

It has been confirmed that Brittany Benton (from Two-A-Days, the MTV show which details Hoover Buccaneers High School football) is, indeed, of age. For that reason, I feel contractually obligated to designate a post to her.

As a side note...look at the last picture -- with her pickle of a "boyfriend"...he could definitely pass as Simply Suds' big brother.

The Greatest Day of My Year So Far

It's finally arrived. Approximately 10 hours until Opening Day for the softball season. I can already smell the fresh cut grass, people smoking grass, and the distinct smell of ice cold Bud Lights....that will be going on ice before noon today. You know your life sucks when Opening Day softball is the best thing to happen to you since you last had your pee-pee touched. But honestly, I could care less about anything else today except softball. Check that, softball and Bud Light. There's something about jogging my out of shape self out to left field, where I proceed to check out every single MILF and piece of tail that comes to watch the games. Tonight I expect a decent crowd, as 2 groups of friends will be playing each other. You can guarantee there will be snacky snatch running around, and I'll probably get distracted. I love playing softball after having 3 ice cold BL's. There's a calming effect it has on my body. I actually play better with a buzz. Is that weird? Maybe not. I'm better at a lot of things after I've been drinking. As for after the game, that's when things might get a little weird. Maybe I'll have 6 Bud Lights and go home.....or maybe I'll stay in the parking lot until 3 AM like I am at a concert at the Tweeter Center. Hell, maybe I'll sleep in my car with a hooker. It's Opening Day for Christ's sake. If you're not pumped up for this game, check your pulse.

I predict a victory.

Throw Me the Damn Ball

Who said chubby kids couldn't sneak out of the backfield and catch bombs? I sure as hell knew my fat feet could run that fast, and my new slender physique made me elusive, as I went on to catch 4 touchdowns yesterday in flag football. Three in one game. Normally I would practice the "act like ya been there" technique that's been drilled into my skull since I was a smug toddler, but today, I feel like talking a whole lot of $hit. You throw the ball to this fat kid, you see results. Blood, sweat, and tears.....because that what the Plymouth Pop Warner Football Vikings believe.

All other teams in the league, take notice. When you see this body trucking down the field at an alarmingly slow rate, double cover me. I use my body fat in ways you never thought possible to gain position on the ball. And after the I'll do the chubby checker Gordon Bombay triple deek....and you're finished. See you in the endzone.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

2007 IS A WRAP!

Roger Clemens returned to the New York Yankees, making a dramatic announcement to fans from the owner's box during Sunday's game against the Seattle Mariners.

At the end of the seventh-inning stretch, Yankees public address announcer Bob Sheppard told fans to turn their attention to the box, where Clemens was standing with a microphone. As the video scoreboard in right-center showed Clemens, the seven-time Cy Young Award winner made the announcement himself.

"Well, they came and got me out of Texas and I can tell you it's a privilege to be back," Clemens said. "I'll be talking to y'all soon."

Wang. Clemens. Pettitte. Mussina. Hughes.

"Make no mistake about it, I've come back to do what they only know how to do here with the Yankees, and that's win a championship," Clemens said. "Anything else is a failure, and I know that."

Say what you want...hate all you want! This is the best assembled staff in ALL of baseball -- and, it's not even close (granted it was the NL...but, Clemens has been the BEST pitcher in ALL of baseball for the past 3 years -- by a large margin...the numbers don't lie). The Yankees just assured themselves a 10th consecutive AL East crown. If you somehow believe otherwise, I don't believe you, as you are in complete denial...and suffer from Down Syndrome!!

Imagine the impact that Clemens is going to have on Hughes???

Brian Cashman...I bow down to you!!

I Told You So

Remember when I mentioned how fine Sebastian Telfair's wife is (in an April 24th post about Telfair possibly being released by the Celtics)??

Well, I'm here to appease the public. Like I wasn't going to dig deep and eventually find some pictures to support my story -- smarten up!

Looks like unfulfilled potential and 'street cred' is worth something after all...