The Cool Kid of The Day Award Goes To.......

Reppin' Boston and, at the same time, giving Paris Hilton bunny ears (or a failed attempt at the shocker). Hopefully, she was treated better in prison.

Keep This Pup Away From Lohan

"You go on these Internet blogs and people say the meanest things. I'm a normal person. Just because I'm in the spotlight doesn't mean I'm God's gift to the world. I'm learning and making mistakes just like every other 17-year-old girl out there."

- Heroes star Hayden Panettiere (otherwise known as the one licking nipples)

If the above picture is any indication of said mistakes, then believe me, sweetheart...you're going to be just fine. The media will take you as far as you're willing to go.

This Pig Belongs on a Farm

Oink, oink, oink, you disgusting pig. Britney, seriously....why do you insist on showing us how friggin' fat and disgusting you are on a daily basis? You already showed us that your biscuit looks like a punching bag, and that your a$$ could be confused with that of a 98-year-old lady in a nursing home. You are a mess. If this was 1999, maybe I wouldn't mind if your t*ts were hanging out of your moo-moo....but it's 2007, and you make me sick to my stomach. You could walk into any local trucker dive bar, and probably not be the hottest chick there. Put some goddamn clothes on, you skank. And if you have a bajillion dollars, maybe you should just try to hire a personal trainer, or stop eating all together....because I can't take this anymore (unless you're passing out free steamers at Friendly's). Only then would I consider letting you suck me off while I eat my Reese's Friendzy.

(Photos courtesy of http://idontlikeyouinthatway.com/)

Who's Sperm Is Most Potent?

Britney Spears' rumored reunion with K-Fed is more than likely on hold now that sources are claiming that K-Fed's ex, Shar Jackson, is pregnant with her third child.

Personally, I find this to be hilarious! I'm beginning to wonder if K-Fed has tricked everyone...has he (and Shar Jackson) beat the system?? And, by this...I mean, was this all a part of K-Fed's master plan -- to run through Britney, take her money, and again start spewing out more mocha munchkins???

So, in one corner...we have Federline coming in strong with a total of 5 toddlers. Is it me, or has he reproduced all these muts in the last 2-3 years??? Either way, none of them stand a chance in this world. Let's face it, they are all doomed.

In the the corner...we have Elijah Dukes, whom is about to father his sixth thug (by 5 different mothers...some of age, some not).

And, let's not forget the legendary efforts of Shawn Kemp (7 kids..."that he knows of") and Larry "Grand Ma Ma" Johnson (the basketball player...5 kids by 4 different mothers).

At the end of the day, all of the aforementioned are heroes to Tom Brady...

Slice Me and Dice Me

New photos have surfaced of a pre-rehab Lindsay Lohan all coked up, whacked out, and playing with a knife. What she is also playing with is a smokin' hot chick. Who is that girl? Can someone tell me why Lindsay Lohan is pretending to slash throats? Can that same person or people explain to me why I think these photos are the hottest things I've seen in a long time? I would give these two the greatest 41 seconds of their life. I actually dig these psycho pics. I'd be willing to sit there and watch these chicks fake cut each other and play tongue darts with each other all night long. I'd even be willing to sit in a corner all creepy in a rocking chair, in the dark, while these two played Freddy vs. Jason.

Again, who is the dime that obviously got her salad tossed by Lohan later that night. I'd be willing to bet there isn't a single thing that she wouldn't do in the bedroom. And I'd be willing to bet that 99.4% of the jerks that visit this site would have no problem with her sticking a finger or two up there for a prostate exam. Yes, we're living in a sick world. Deal with it.

Still Don't Think Reggie Bush is an Underachiever??

Well, word is that Kim Kardashian has broken it off with Bush................for Scott Scorch. Don't bother apologizing -- I already accept your sincere apologies (for ever doubting my professional opinion).

Liza Minelli and David Gest, anyone??

I'm Talkin' Boy Band A$$ Here

I'm so friggin' jealous of Nick Lachey it isn't even funny. I'd seriously become an amputee just to live the life that this guy has lived so far. First of all, he did headline a pretty gay boy band, but I'm sure there were screaming teenagers everywhere ready to watch him drop his drawers backstage for some hanky panky. Then, he gets to be the guy to de-flower Jessica Simpson, when she was in her prime, and stupid smokin' hot. I'm sure they participated in every sex act known to man. And what was Nick doing when he wasn't showing Jessica what a "Dirty Sanchez" is.....he was drinking Miller Lite's, watching sports, and spending Jessica's hard earned money. That's what I'm friggin talkin' about. I can't think of a better life than this guy. Live in a mansion, drive sick cars, bang a ridiculously hot wife, and pretty much be on vacation 24/7.

Just when you think that life couldn't get any better.....Nick divorces Jessica right before she's about to become an emotional and physical train wreck. He gets a big settlement, alimony, and then he lays down a whacker. He starts hookin' up with single hot chicks everywhere. Kristin from Laguna Beach, etc. His pecker probably didn't realize all the goodies it was missing. It was probably like shooting fish in a barrel for this guy. Then he lands the dime of all dimes....he starts gettin' after it with Vanessa Manillo, who is just unbelievably hot to me. She could choke me out while we do it for all I care. I'd do just about everything and anything that would stay within the Constitution to get her in the sheets. She likes sports, isn't as retarded as Jessica Simpson, and her body is R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S. She openly tongues the hell out of him and rides him wherever they go.

Good job, Nick. Even though I personally think you're a pickle...I respect the fact that you're spending your ex-wife's fortune, getting laid...and getting paid.

WHAT THE.....??

Nicole Scherzinger, of the Pussycat Dolls, is dating Talan, from Laguna Beach??? Considering Nicole Scherzinger is in my Top 5 (in the past, I have dedicated fantasy sports team names to her), I have no idea what to even say. I'm speechless.

Reggie Bush Loves Sloppy Seconds

The latest rumor links Reggie Bush with Kim Kardashian. One word comes to mind...IDIOT.

Yes, Kardashian possesses a jaw-dropping chest...but, come on -- this is the best Reggie Bush can pull?? He's one of the most popular athletes in the world, for Christ's sake! He should have his picking of any strange that he so chooses. Instead, he opts for this boob?? Kardashian has banged and made sex tapes with every D-List celebrity in Hollywood. Reggie...you're better than this -- step your game up!

Parasite's Going to the Clink

As first reported by TMZ.COM last week, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail. No if's, and's, or but's about it. No house arrest, no suspended sentence, instead she'll be heading to the clink in less than a month.

A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in L.A. County jail for violating her probation in a reckless driving case. Judge Michael T. Sauer handed down the harsh sentence, telling Paris she will not be allowed work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or electronic monitoring in lieu of jail. She must do the time! An emotional Paris, with tears welling up in her eyes, told the judge moments before the decision "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Witnesses inside the courtroom say that Paris' parent, Rick and Kathy Hilton, were both visibly upset as the sentence was handed down. Kathy, we're told, was especially distraught. Paris will serve her sentence at the Century Regional Detention Facility (CRDF). She will begin her sentence on June 5."

Wow. I'm speechless. This whore is finally gonna get to live like a common folk. No amount of money can change the judge's decision....hahahahahaha. This is awesome. Unless she just stays in her cell, or smuggles in bundles of cash to pay people off.....Paris is going to get the crap kicked out of her by tons of butch's and gangsta b*tches. That's sick. They should keep a camera focused on her underwear-less body 24 hours a day for a reality TV show....like they did in that movie "Ed." I can't stand this stuck up skank. She is an absolute retard, and thinks she can do whatever she wants because she has boatloads of money. Guess what you douchebag....for 45 days, you're going to lose your freedom. No cell phones, money, booze, casual unprotected sex (with men), Ferraris, Porches, Range Rovers, tank tops, thongs, lip gloss, and whatever else your cu*ty self needs on a daily basis. Have fun in the clink while everyone else enjoys a summer without seeing your lazy eye all over the tabloids and TV. Thank you God. Thank you.

All that being said, I'd still totally do her. What? Maybe I wouldn't use a rubber. It would be like winning the lottery knocking her up. No?

99.9% of Chicks are Friggin' Lunatics

I always figured Carrie Underwood to be one of those "goody-goody" chicks that would tounge the hell out of you at a bar, but then leave you with blue balls as you walk home with a much less attractive chick at last call. So imagine my surprise when I was listening to Channel 1 on Sirius radio (don't ask why...it was just on, so deal with it) and for the first time I heard this Carrie Underwood song. When it got to the chorus, my mouth dropped. It goes a little sumthin' like 'dis....hit it........

I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive,

Carved my name into his leather seats.

I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights,

Slashed a hole in all 4 tires.

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I realize that Carrie Underwood just looks good and probably didn't write a lick of this song, but she has the "balls" to sing it, so we're gonna assume she did. What a friggin' psycho. Your boyfriend cheats on you, so you completely trash his car? Judging from your analysis....you'll need keys, a baseball bat, and a knife. Listen up honey, maybe that's why he's cheating on you in the first place.....you're a goddamn lunatic. The chick he's bangin' now probably isn't planning on trashing his car over a little hanky panky. Trashing a dude's car over cheating is a little much, no? Get over it, move on. Go to the local bar, show your ta-ta's, and go home with some other dude that's gonna get it done. You're pretty hot....why all the hostility? I'd bang ya.

Not all chicks are psycho....there is .1% of the population missing that chromosome....but, they live in the depths of the Amazon, and could not be reached for comment.

Someone Toss This Skank Over a Bridge

What a mess!!!!!!!!!!

American Idol or American Sumo Wrestler?

Holy crap, I don't know where to even begin. I think I could write about this fat tub of lard for 4 days, all without feeling any sort of sensation in my pants (like a normal Friday night). What the hell happened to Kelly Clarkson? She used to be kind of decent looking....I mean, I never cranked off to her or anything...but I always figured I'd probably bang her if I was looking to club a baby seal over the head at last call to bring home. These pictures make me want to puke....literally. What the hell is going on with with this girl on vacation? Usually if you're going to go somewhere warm, where bikini's come into play...maybe she would think to lay off the Twinkies, Devil Dogs, and bacon grease fat. She should have just drank water for a month. That's hideous. I haven't seen a torso that brutal since my college graduation day in 2003, when I awoke out of a blacked out coma and looked in the mirror at the disgusting human I had become due to drinking 200 Bud Lights a week, and about 40 dollars worth of Wendy's on all those packy runs.

Now, the second picture just frightens me. I don't even think the hot dog eating champion Kobayashi could stuff a Fenway Frank down his throat like this pig is doing. Is she getting timed to see how fat she can get in 30 seconds? That thing is loaded with condiments and extras. She probably had them sprinkle chocolate jimmies on the goddamn thing so that she could get a little extra boost from the sugar. Normally I'd make a joke about how she'd probably eat a guys hog like it was the last supper....but the thought of letting this swine anywhere near my pecker makes me uncomfortable....damn, you don't hear that often.

Kelly....you're disgusting. If America could vote again, they'd tell you to pick up an eating disorder and get back to health. It's time you go to fat camp with Ruben Studdard and both of you whales realize that it's better to have everything in moderation.

Just Friends, Right??

The above photos are of Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood, while "hanging out" to celebrate Romo's 27th birthday.

I really have nothing to say about this, except that Romo is obviously over-achieving...and "getting it done" in the process. He seems to have gotten over the botched extra-point just fine.

At what point next season...do we see them, once again, playing grab-ass during warm-ups??

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

Although he takes a stupid amount of crap, Kevin Federline might have the best gig going....in fact, I'd go as far as to say that he's my role model. All this guy does is travel around the country, partying until the sun comes out or the coke runs out, or the Cristal is gone....all at the expense of his train wreck disgusting wife. Normally it's the women that get to live like gods after they split from their husbands because they're greedy douchebags...but now, it's our turn to see a guy piss away his wife's hard earned loot. He's probably at the top floor of the Palms Casino right now engaging in sex acts with numerous girls that I'd cut off my pinky finger and big toe just to caress their lower back. They could be engaging in skat for all I know. They're definitely gettin' weird up there....I know that.

If there are any rich women out there on the verge of an emotional break down....please call me. I have no problem using you for your money, so that me and my friends can live the "Entourage" lifestyle. No seriously, call me....I love you.

Guys Gone Wussy

Joe Francis is a complete boob job. This guy founded Mantra Films Inc., which produces the famous GIRLS GONE WILD films which earn an estimated $100 million in net profit every year. He has private jets, and stupid amounts of cash.....more money than I could ever ask for. But this guy is behind bars....instead of laying on a Cabo beach surrounded by 45 beautiful babes. Apparently he thought it would be ok to drug and rape women for his videos and self-amusement. Dude, you're a complete scumbag.....you can't get chicks with all that money you have? That's ridiculous. Switch lives with me for one week and I'd be frolicking on a beach in the Caribbean with Jessica Alba during the day, and hittin' the clubs with Emmanuelle Chriqui at night. Seriously though, it's little bitchezzz like this that make me furious.

Now that it's taken me some time to get to my point, due to the tangent I just went on....I'd like to announce that this sissy boy recently cried to his mommy from behind bars. Waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa.....I didn't do it mommy....waaaaaaaaa......get my blanky so I can go nunn-night. Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of spending a few nights in the clink myself.....but, I can assure you the only complaining I did was due to the fact that my Dad crushed my forehead with his bear claws in my cell, all while my hands were still cuffed behind my back. I didn't cry. There's no crying in jail....unless Bubba tells you to bend over in the shower....then, by all means cry like you just had your lunch money stolen.

Joey Boy....you're gonna be behind bars until your lawyers use your bajillion dollars to get you out. So why don't you save the tissues and all the antics, and spare what tiny amount of dignity a raping scumbag like you has. Just remember, don't drop the soap....or you'll find out why you never made a movie like "Inmates Gone Wild."

Luckiest Man in the world?

Freelance journalist / photographer, Larry Birkhead, may be the luckiest man in the world these days. With today's news that he is, indeed, the biological father of Dannielynn Hope, I can assure you that Mr. Birkhead is out partying amongst a slew of strippers as we speak.

Once the court, inevitably, determines that the estate of Anna Nicole Smith will be awarded as much as $500 million from her late husband's estate (J. Howard Marshall), Dannielynn (and Birkhead) will be the primary beneficiaries (if you recall, Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel, died from a drug overdose just weeks before his mother passed).

How does one's misfortunes get any better than this?? This stiff was bangin' a GROSS Anna Nicole Smith -- which, eventually, led to them reproducing. Yet, now he instantly becomes filthy rich...AND doesn't ever again have to deal with Smith's absurd shenanigans. For Birkhead's sake, this is the best of both worlds!

You Should be Ashamed of Yourself

I came across this photo today, and immediately had two distinct thoughts.

1) I can't believe this display of beautiful female love was almost 4 years ago (08/28/03).

2) Britney Spears should be burnt at the stake for allowing such a beautiful creature to turn into a horrid nightmare.

I feel a lot better now. But seriously....what the hell is wrong with Britney Spears? I know she's popped out a few kids...and hey, congrats on that (skank), but seriously....hot chicks have babies all the time....and they return to super hot chick status. Like the Britney Spears in the 'Toxic' video, or the one that did the VMA's in that flesh colored spandex attire (see above).......I would have cut off either pinky finger, and maybe even a small toe to spend all of the 12 seconds it would take me to get off, with that Goddess. Now, she's bald, fat, gross, and downstairs has to have all sorts of unmentionable things going on. Hell, I'd need to have a medical textbook open next to our bed, just to know how to get her off. But wait a minute....why do I really care if the Pop Princess gets off at all? I really would just want her to get pregnant so I could live it up like K-Fed.

Hey Britney....you're a friggin' mess. Clean up your act, or launch yourself off the closest thing that resembles a 4th floor window, elevator shaft, or bridge. Oops, I did it again.