Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkk

Listen up fuckers. I apologize for going into hiding for a while....but I just want you all to know that I'm back, and better than ever. I plan on "pushing the envelope" on all aspects of this blog. I'll talk about shit, piss, fucking, whatever else you sick pricks wanna hear. I promise to uphold the standards of this blog, and join the revolution that brings us back to the promise land.

I'm Simply Suds, and I approved this message.

As for tonight....I plan on puking and pissing in Watertown at Nightmare and Norman's pad. Hell, I may even piss Nightmare's bed to spite him for the time he pissed mine and I socked him in the eye. I'd like to warn the Harp establishment right now....there is a Hurricane forming in Plymouth that is making its way up the coast around 7pm EST.....I plan on doing enough things to get kicked out of your bar within the first 5 minutes of me being there. Know that, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

November 15, 2007: RIP...'The Yankee Way'

Believe it folks. As if A-Rod couldn't become any more of a narcissist he will be forever known as the man that killed the 'Yankee way'. Believe it Chief. I'm sorry to break the news to you but its true. Since the goddam inception of time the 'Yankee Way' has been all about hard work, perseverance and most of all winning no matter what it takes. I hear 'Yankee Way' I think of Joe D, Mickey Mantle, Derek other words perennial winners. Guess what A-Rod is? You guessed it.....a friggin Munson! Not only that but the Yankees specifically said that if he opted out of his current contract and went to free agency they wouldn't negotiate with him thus ending his tenure as a Yankee. So they went back on their word. So what? Lots of people do. But in the past this certainly wouldn't have been how their current regime would have gone about business. What changed you ask. The fact that YOUR Boston Red Sox have won the World Series twice in the past 4 years....thats what! The Yankees can't take it, so they are tweeking out worse than an OCD person after a blunt.

So from a business standpoint lets think about this. Why would the Yankees re-sign A-Rod? The dude is 0-for his lifetime in the postseason. He has never.... N-E-V-E-R ....proven himself there (this year included) and the Yankees are all about winning right? Wrong! They don't give a crap anymore. All they saw is the possibility of having A-Rod on the team for beating Bond's HR record. This coming from a team that hardly needs any more PR. They are probably the most recognizable (or at least top 5) sports teams in the world. But in the end thats what they opted for. The publicity, the hoopla, the notoriety....all for the sake of not winning. And believe me they won't win. That move combined with the atrocity they gave Posada gives their hopes of doing anything for the foreseeable future about as much chance as OJ being found innocent.

Don't get me wrong I'm pumped as hell. Not that the Sox needed any help but the Yanks gift wrapped the next 4-5 years of AL East championships for them. To quote Buzz from 'Home Alone''re such a disease! You'll never win the big one and continue to fail in the postseason. I predict they finish behind TB this year. If I was a Yankee fan I'd be mad as hell that A-Rod (that rat fink that he is) stole the Yankee mystique.


The World Needs To Know About Amanda Cicchini

For starters Amanda Cicchini makes Allison Stokke look like the chick I offered $7.50 for a handjob in Dorchester last week. Before I go any further I want to make it clear that I'm completely ripping this story off of Normally I'd rather slide down a 20 foot razor blade into a pool of lemon juice than get a story from them BUT I feel like this is too good to pass up. Also, I'd like to give the staff over there kudos because for the past couple of weeks they've been killing it. Anyways give me a second so I can pull their cock out of my mouth.

(ahem).....OK i'm back. Lets get back to the subject at hand. This girl is completely ridiculous. Before you read on, just take a peak at the pics above then start reading again. Honestly I've never had a kid (that I know of) but I'd like to think I'd give up my first born just to touch this chicks leg right after she shaves it. And that ass?!?! Are you kidding me? It looks like she's hiding two half hams under that dress! I mean if I didn't know any better I'd think the camera was out of focus for every picture because her ass is a freak of nature. I'd venture to say if you bounced a quarter off it it would bounce at least (at least!) 20 feet in the air. Not to mention that I have an unhealthy obsession with soccer chicks. I honestly have so much more to say about this girl but I have to stop because I'm getting over-stimulated, hopefully I can put the thoughts in the comments.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Indianapolis Has Nothing On Boston

Ok, OK so that line is a complete and utter lie. I’m not about to judge a book by its cover but I’ve been in Indianapolis for about six and a half hours and so far I’d rather stick my peter in a sliding mini-van door and slam it shut a few times rather than spend anymore time here. As soon as I touched the ground I saw a cloud of dust burst into the air like when you sit down on a dirty dorm couch that hasn’t been touched in awhile. Then after being at my hotel for awhile I decided to check out the local area for places to eat. I did a search online for restaurants in a 20 mile radius and literally 13 out of the 20 options were Arby’s. Honestly I couldn’t make this stuff up, Burger Kings are a delicacy out here.

After being discouraged by the obvious lack of decent eating establishments I decided to hit up the hotel restaurant. When I took a seat at the bar there were two smarmy brits to my right talking about how awesome it is to be British. And to my left there was a rather portly gentleman getting uniquely intimate with corn on the cob. About halfway through my meal the two smug pricks got up to smoke a cigarette and immediately after they left the corn guzzling monster pushes his plate away sits back and lets out a huge sigh and sticks his hand in his pants. He turns to me and says “Jesus Christ I hate those British f*ckers that think they know everything. I mean sure they might know the English language a little better but the superiority ends there”. I obviously starting laughing hysterically and he replied “Thank god you know what I’m talking about”. The best part about his entire diatribe was that the entire lower portion of his face was covered with partially eaten corn and the butter slime was actually dripping off of his chin making a mucus line from his chin to the bar. At this point I was so completely proud to be an American ( I knew you would be too Wimpy).

Anyways the moral of this story is 1.) Indianapolis is appropriately placed in the mid-west and 2.) while watching the Celts/Pacers game on the local FSN network I was pleasantly surprised by a gorgeous little minx named Stacy Paetz. During the second half she did a couple of reports from the sideline and the more I saw her I started to think about how the Celtics have Greg Dickerson doing their sideline reporting. Then I started thinking about how much of a pickle he was and got really mad. If the Celtics can make moves to become the best team in the NBA the least they can do is get some decent eye candy to do some meaningless sideline reporting….no? SO anyways Indy may suck but the Pacers have a waaaay hotter sideline reporter than the Celts. So in closing I’d like to say f*ck Greg Dickerson I hope he chokes on a gross Arby’s hot dog and we get some smokin’ hot chick.
P.S. I realize thats not the best picture but for starters Dickerson is tough to look at. Secondly this chick really is dope but that the best picture I could find

Enough is Enough... continued

I'm sure this will only fuel the rampant sepculation that Norman P. Orlando and myself are, in actuality, the same person... but I feel obligated to add to NPO's outstanding Public Transportation Manifesto.

Enough really is enough, but the tip of the iceberg was only barely touched here; and trust me, it will sink the titanic that is your daily commute. I'm even going to give the disgusting homeless f*cks who piss and sh*t all over the trains a pass, because a) that happens in almost every city and b) they often can't help themselves. It's the people who should be intelligent enough ride public transportation in a normal manner, but consistently and abjectly fail to do so, that are the real target of my hatred.

When people take the T, their IQ's plummet. They could be coming from MIT after winning a prestigious award for groundbreaking scientific work, but the second they get on the Red Line at Kendall Square their intelligence level drops to that of a dyslexic mongoloid 8 year old who just got hit in the head with a tire iron. They're a f*cking idiot.

Here's a few more to add to NPO's hit list:

1. Guy With Enormous Backpack

I'm not sure how much sh*t you feel you need to carry with you everywhere you go, but for f*cksake, can you at least take your backpack off and put it on the floor?! Some of these assholes wear packs that stick out at least 2 feet, and insist on keeping on their back. When they turn around, they knock into damn near everyone and everything around them, like a frickin' 3 Stooges skit. Are you hiking the Appalachian Trail buddy? No? Then take that f*cking pack off!

2. Broad Shouldered Back Leaner

Some people need to have their backs up against the seat, come hell or high water. If there are already 2 full size people on either side of you this is almost a physical impossibility, and yet some people still attempt it. These invasive f*cks will lean back and push until the squeeze in there. It's rude, uncomfortable, and deserves an elbow to the face. Unfortunately when they do this, your elbows are pinned to your sides. Just lean forward. Please. It's not that hard. I'm about as board as they come, and I somehow manage it. I've even had a guy lean back into me, and then tell me I was invading his space. Wha?

3. Unnecessary Reacher

Cousin to the Broad Shouldered Back Leaner, the Unnecessary Reacher has handle options readily available in front of them, but insists on reaching all the way across you to grab a different pole. I've had books knocked out of my hands by these dipsh*ts.

4. 300 Pound Fat Guy

This has little to do with etiquette or intelligence, but I'm throwing it in here anyway. If you're a disgusting fat f*ck that takes up two seats, I don't want to be around you. I can hear you weazing over the clatter of the train, and see the sweat under your man boobs. It's making me ill. Do you really need to be stuffing that donut in your face, and getting glaze-crumbs all over yourself and the seat next to you that no one will sit in cause you're so f*cking gross? I can't believe that you can't stop eating long enough to take a train. You know what, take a taxi, or better yet, lose some weight by walking.