Saturday, December 8, 2007

A New Level Of Human Depravity

So this will give you an indication of how my Friday night has gone so far...

I'm 15 Miller Lites deep, and I just watched the 2 Girls 1 Cup video... and I'm here to tell you all about it. This video is famous for being the most disgusting video on the internet, and I'm gonna dispel all the f*cking mystery surrounding it. Blogs post reactions of people seeing the video for the first time, just for entertainment, that's how shocking it is (supposedly). If you're a masochist, the clip can be found at

So I watch the video, and it's pretty gross, but nowhere near as gross as I thought it would be. The clip opens with a white chick and an indian chick (dots not feathers) making out. The indian chick is pulling down the white chick's shirt and sucking on her titties; its hot, not bad at all.

Then they focus on a close up of the indian chick's ass, and she sh*ts out diarrhea into a pint glass. Then the two girls start tonguing it. It's sick. Then they focus in on the white chick, and she's actually eating the shit. She's moving the diarrhea in and out of her mouth, then she swallows it.

At this point I was convinced that things couldn't get worse... but apparently they could. The girls start puking on each other. And not just on each other, but in each other's mouths. It's horrendous.

The clip lasts about 15 seconds longer, and then shuts off. Any normal human being would stop at this point. But not me. Not Cornstarr. I'm on a mission to eradicate any semblance of innocence that I ever, EVER possessed. And this is how I found something that TRUMPS

Granted, its from the same people who brought you, but its worse. Way more fowl. I'm not going to tell you what happens in this video... you can judge for yourself. It can be found at:

Friday, December 7, 2007

The Numbers Are In: Doggystyle Wins!

Important information to have over the weekend, gentlemen: Chicks prefer it doggystyle (demonstrated above by my lovely assistant, Jessica Alba).

In a recent poll done by iVillage, 200 hundred women were surveyed about their favorite position. They were give the following options:

A) Missionary
B) Woman on top
C) Doggy Style
D) Other

The hands down winner by over 50 votes was doggystyle. So this weekend when you're letting what's-her-face from the bar ride you to drunken-glory, do her a favor and flip her around. It'll show her that you're in touch with her feelings, even if you can't remember her name.

Eva Mendes Is On the Team Goin' Skins

Eva Mendes is one of the hottest women in the world....according to Simply Suds. I love Latino women. The fact that they have insane bodies, can cook all sorts of burritos/tacos/quesadillas, and have that look in their eye that says I want to f*ck your brains out or actually rip your eyes out with a it. There are little things I wouldn't do in this world to have a chance to piss the bed with Eva in it after a long night of her not feeling a damn thing. I've very happy that she decided to go naked rather than cover up her snapper and cans with an ugly fur coat. She could drape herself in a clear trash bag and look hot....oh wait a minute, I had to drape her in one of those in a weird dream I had....but that's neither here...nor there.

We're getting back to our roots fellas. It's Friday.....I am hitting the big city really hard. We're talkin' about doing real big things tonight. Friday will forever now be known on this website as Frenchin' Hot Chicks Friday. I can't wait to have 7 warrants out for my arrest tomorrow. I'll defer all future comments and questions to the litigators of the website.

Hot chicks for life.
I'm Simply Suds, and I approved this message.
***photos courtesy of

Jessica Alba Has Some Serious Competition

I'll be the first to admit I have no idea who Krystal Forscutt is. I had to GOOGLE her name just to find out that the only thing she is famous for is being on Australia's Big Brother in 2006. Let me tell you....with a face and cans like that....she's in store for biiiiiiiiig things. I almost can't believe what I'm seeing here. What a dime ! I mean if this girl wanted to strap me to a wall for 72 hours and beat me with a whip while pouring rubbing alcohol over my open wounds....I'd still be into it. My Bud Light can would fit perfectly in between her t*ts.....something else that really appeals to me.'re going straight to the top. Remember that I wrote about you first. And then call me, because I'm sure you need someone to clean your toilet or drive you to the undergarment store. And I'm your man.

XMas Parties are underrated!

Last night I had the opportunity to attend my first Christmas Party of the year and I noticed one thing....that they are an absolute blast! Christmas as a holiday gets a lot of respect. Everyone gets presents, christmas trees, lights, and Santa but how cool is the actual Christmas party. Usually there is a phenominal amount of booze being consumed. Depending on your employer and or school booze is most of the time on the house. If the party is not a shitshow its usually early enough where you can leave and black out at the next watering hole. I have yet to meet anyone that just goes home after a lame christmas party. You're already out so make it a shitshow. Sometimes you have to dress up, sometimes you try to dress like cousin eddy and try to find the most ridiculous christmas sweater and turtleneck you can find. It is also a good time to smother your face in some nice old fashion......what was that shit we use to eat in the day?.....oh yeah....pussey! Single girls begin to feel a little lonely and its an opportune time to put on the nice guy hat and give them a little love and affection for the cold winter months.

So if any of you readers will be attending a Holiday party in the next couple of months....get ready and don't take it for granted. Before you know it, it will be new years....and we all know how overrated that is.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Famous Jewish Women

Happy Chanukah to all of our Hebrew readers out there. May your 8 nights be filled with joy and happiness. Much respect to the Old Testament and hot Jewish women. Enjoy your holiday and we'll see ya at Passover !

Tony Romo Goes Deep On and Off The Field

I'm a Tony Romo fan. I like the way he plays the game. I like that he has fun and basically just smashes tons of hot Texas ass while winning football games and having the best season for a QB this year not named Tom Brady. First it was Carrie Underwood, who is a little minx.....hopefully he was in and out quick, and she didn't smash his tail lights or key his car like in her miserable song. Next up for a Tony Romo drillin'....none other than the epitome of a girl that just wants to get laid due to her low self esteem....Miss Jessica Simpson. So Tony took her out on a date, Texas style, like a southern gentleman.....until things obviously progressed faster than the 2 minute drill.

They were all over each other on the couch, making out," a Simpson source tells Us Weekly in its new issue, on newsstands now. "They were on top of each other! It was a little bit much for a public place," the witness adds. "He was holding her close and she wasn't paying attention to anyone else." The source adds that Simpson, 27, is "crazy" about her man, also 27, "and gushes about how sweet he is."

Good for you Tony. There is little doubt in my mind that you brought her home, or maybe she took you home. Who cares ? Your both multi-millionaires and probably humped all night in beds the size of my living room. I hope you treated her like a tramp. She looks like the kind of girl that could benefit from some weave tuggin' and abusive verbal. "Did Nick ever f*ck you this good? How bout that little sissy John Mayer ? " You're the starting quarterback for America's Team, and could probably have 90% of southern bells. Get it done guy. Just like a last second drive to win the game. Score, leave the field....move onto the next challenge.


If This Were 1999-2003 We'd Have Some Serious Suspects....

I can account for quite a few members of this website that made the trip absolutely loaded from off campus housing at Stonehill College back to campus....and vice versa. So when I read this story this morning, I was hardly surprised.

EASTON, Mass. -- Police arrested a man who they say led them on a wild chase overnight.
The chase began in Taunton, where police tried to pull over a man in his twenties.
Police say he refused to stop and tried to ram two cruisers instead.
The chase ended on Route 138 in Easton after police used stop sticks to deflate three of his tires. The man will be charged with failure to stop amongst many other charges.
The driver insisted on being taken to the hospital.

Ok, where do I even start here. Norman, Nightmare, Chieftain (officially out of the running), Commodore, Slowstuff.....there are just too many of us that this could have happened to. After all, Nightmare was caught in the buff by Easton's finest while attempting to streak down 138....but hey, give him credit, he made it 15 yards before blue lights flashed. The Commodore slashed more tires than he ate c*nts, Norman could often be found half passed out behind the wheel matter what time of day. And myself....well....I passed the sobriety test while onlookers peered through the dorm windows in a blizzard and watched me do my impression of the Lambeau leap into the snow.

So the real question is.....if we could turn back time....which member of the Win Column was most likely to have this headline under his name ?

***Story courtesy of

Tim Tebow...Heisman Winner...

Anthony Smith Guarantees a Victory Over the Patriots !

Who ? Anthony Smith is a safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers. If I didn't have degenerate gambler friends and wouldn't have watched half a dozen Steelers game, I definitely wouldn't know who this friggin stiff is. Apparently, some of the Patriots seem to share my sentiment...

Mr. Smith, I'd like to congratulate you on waking up the Patriots if they were going to come out sluggish and possibly have a let down after being in a Monday Night dog fight with the Ravens. Time and time again, idiots like you open their yappers, piss the Patriots off, and get them refocused and give them a reason to go right at you. If I were a teammate of yours, I'd choke you out in the locker room. We're talking about throwing all of your teammates under the bus. Why don't you let the leaders in your locker room make the bold predictions. Let James Farrior do the talking, please. Nobody gives a sh*t about what you have to say. You're a second year player out of Syracuse. You're a friggin bum that will be on a practice squad soon. You stiff.

Here's to hoping the Pats throw deep bombs over this abortion's head this Sunday in Foxboro. Randy Moss splits defenses....fact. He'll be splitting your jock too buddy.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

We All Love Mike Tyson

I wish Iron Mike could have a weekly segment here on the Win Column. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.

Here's to you, champ.

Remember When This Site Liked Hot Chicks ????

We need to get back to our roots gentlemen. We need to stick to what we do best. Objectifying hot chicks. I'm going to make this short and sweet. Nicole Marie Lenz is smokin' hot, and as exotic looking as the chick Norman and I sat next to at breakfast in Watertown last Sunday.
No I can't stop thinking about the girl that was in and out of my life in 23 minutes. I'm sure the sight of me eating breakfast after a black-out was not the greatest first impression. But God, if I could only show her what 11 seconds of all out love making was all about....she'd be hooked. Or call the District Attorney to file which case, I'll call my lawyer that commented on this site already.
***photos courtesy of

Suds Gets a "Re-Do" This Friday Night in Beantown

Ok, ok, ok....I realize my performance last Saturday night served you all many moments of laughter at my expense....and I'm alright with that. You're all a bunch of miserable pricks anyway, so if I have to get piss drunk and make a fool out of myself to give you all an ounce of self-worth....that's the kind of guy I am. You're welcome.

Moving on....I'm calling a "re-do" this Friday....and I hope the Crombinator accepts the challenge. Since your self-proclaimed victory last Saturday (I'm not really sure what you brought to the table, since I brought the cape codders too)...this Friday night we will be celebrating Chieftain's farewell, as he leaves New England to follow his true blood to the back yard of the New York Yankees. I feel as if this move is driven by the fact that he wakes up every morning with the desire to sniff Derek Jeter's boxers. I'd go as far as to say that Chieftian may smell the urinals at Yankee Stadium upon his move....just to feel closer to his man crush.

Upon my arrival to the humble ebode of Norman P. Orlando and Nightmare arround 6pm, this Friday we will be meeting at the Sports Grille near the Gahhhhhhhdenn at 7:30pm to suck down drinks at an alarming rate, and watch the Big Ticket, the Truth, and Jesus Shuttlesworth. We then take the city by storm thereafter. This time I won't be drinking an entire bottle of Goldschlager by 7pm....and be warned now Crombinator.....I'm bringing my "A" game. What that means ? I have no fuckin clue. You could be sticking me under a table again by 10pm, or I could be tongue kissing every chick you try to talk to all night. In addition to showing Chieftain my support for his move....another main goal of mine is to even our score 1-1. It's a marathon, not a sprint buddy. 7 games is a lonnnnnnnnnng series.

Stay tuned....I hope to see all you mutts there.

Suds' Saturday Night

With the blessing of Norman P., I bring you a reinactment of Suds' Saturday night...

Prohibition Was As Cool As Cancer

Turns out Utah is good for something other than serving as a safe haven for a bunch of Mormon loonies having sex with their entire family. On this day back in 1933 Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment thus empowering all the thirsty congressmen with 75% of states voting to overturn the 18th Amendment.

Jesus what a bad decision the 18th Amendment was! If you’ve ever enjoyed an ice cold beer on a hot summer day after cutting a lawn you know the utter state of euphoria that comes with it. Or that first shot of Jager for the night. As it slides down the back of your throat the liquid courage strengthens and the normal 9-5, Monday through Friday you starts to fade away. Its entirely possible you could fight somebody, kiss somebody, or just get rip-roaringly drunk and throw up and pass out. But the beautiful thing is….the choice is yours.

Just imagine if, on your way home from work today, if you wanted to grab a six pack you couldn’t. Or this Friday after work as you and your friends are getting ready to go out you were pounding Coca-Cola Classic instead of Sam Adams. Think about that and give thanks to all those Mormon wackos. They may sex with their 12 year old daughters but at least they support your right to get wasted.


Travis Henry Can Smoke Weed Again

Phew! That was a close one Travis but I’m glad you showed those nerds down at the NFL office whats what. Henry was informed back in September that he failed his second drug test in as many years and thus was suspended and forced to sit out the remainder of the season not to mention deal with a whole bunch of bullshit substance abuse treatment. But like any pothead would do he called shenanigans and denied everything claiming he was the victim of second hand smoke. I don’t know about you but I often hang out with a bunch of friends while they’re ripping tubes and don’t partake. Personally, I believed his story from the start and thought it was ludicrous the league gave him so much sh*t.

Anyways, Henry found a loophole in the rules saying that the NFL violated league policy by not ‘allowing an expert of Henry's choosing to be present for the testing’. In other words the NFL actually sent him to a doctor that was going to take HIS piss and not his buddies! Ridiculous. So he ended up being able to use his doctor and surprise, surprise everything came back clean.

So good for you Travis. I hope you get your Doc a great Xmas present. A nice glass bubbler perhaps? I hope you have a stellar rest of the year. Normally I think the Broncos are pretty buttcheeks but I’m for anybody that can beat an herb wrap.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Is Christmas Coming Early ?

Somewhere in New England, Chieftain is crying into his pillow...which is sure to make the entire Win Column nation rejoice. Latest speculation on a Johan Santana deal has the Red Sox offerring a 5th player to get the deal done.....and his name is not Jacoby Ellsbury....which is all that really matters. Ellsbury is untouchable to me. He has the opportunity to be a game changer in many aspects of the game every single night he takes the field. Anyway, the latest package would send Crisp, Lester, Lowrie, Masterson, and 9th round draft pick/phenom Ryan Kalish for Johan Santana.

Sure the Red Sox are giving up quite a bit of talent in this deal....but you know what....I don't really give a sh*t. Adding Santana to the rotation for the next 6 years (a contract extension will be signed upon a trade anywhere) assures the Red Sox will absolutely dominate the American League right through the next decade. Beckett, Santana, Matsuzaka, Schilling, Buchholz.......I can't even imagine how many games this team could win.

Get the deal done Theo......all I want for Christmas is Johan Santana !!!!!!!!!!!!

***Photo courtesy of

Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain

Reports coming out of the Ravens camp are shedding new light on what local media outlets are dubbing "Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain". We all saw it last night plain as day. Balitmore Raven's coach Brian Billick was blowing kisses at New England defensive back Rodney Harrison. At first glance it appeared that the two were jawing back and forth as tempers were flaring due to the intensity of last night's dog fight of a game.

During last night's post game press conference Billick was asked about the situation and his potentially 'unprofessional' behavior. At first he denied comment but after pressing Billick replied "To be honest it had nothing to do with the game. Its really nothing. Rodney and I went out once, I thought we had a good time. But he never called. In hindsight I wish I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing my lips puckered"

Evidently Billick was bombarding Harrison with text messages of 'sweet nothings' in the days leading up to the game with no reply from Rodney. According to sources close to Billick he was a complete mess after day two of texting with no reply. Billick was so desperate to talk to Harrison he even started pulling drive bys late at night to see if Harrison's hotel room light was still on.

I have not been able to get any details on the full extent of the relationship between the two but have a number of leads that I'm following up on. Earlier today Harrison held his own press conference and when asked about the relationship with Billick he replied "So I went out with a guy once. If you drink one glass of wine it doesn't make you a wino".


Mercury Morris and Don Shula Should Drop Dead

Don Shula. The most overrated coach in the history of the NFL. The guy that couldn't lead Dan Marino to a championship with all the weapons he had. Do we have to watch this guy for the rest of the year as the Patriots try to stay undefeated and break the only record that Shula and the rest of his 1972 butt pirate Dolphins whine and complain about whenever an NFL team is undefeated past week 10 ?

Seriously, this old, wrinkled bafoon should stay home and watch the games on TV. Nobody care what he or Mercury Morris has to say ? "Don't call me when you're in my neighborhood, call me when you're on my block !" Hey Mercury, how about I don't call you at all. How about you drop dead from a stroke.

Brian Billick Can Kiss My Ass

Hey's a newsflash for're a fu*king deuschebag. Rodney Harrison gets beat on an out route on your sidelines....and you blow a friggin kiss at him....a man ? And you didn't even just blow one blew three. Wow, do you have a thing for football players or something ? You probably drop the soap quite often in front of Ray Lewis and Willis McGahee just to see if they'll recipricate your homosexual tendencies. Holy sh*t about being unprofessional and looking like a complete loser on national tv. I've always found you overrated as a coach....and I personally think you should have been fired a long time ago. But, now you've lost 6 in a row after a 4-2 start....and you've resorted to acting like a smug little prick toddler. So here's a giant "f*ck you" from all of us Pats fans. Shove our victory up your ass pal. You miserable c*nt.

Even better....Rodney Harrison's response to the incident, "I don't know why he's blowing kisses at me during the game. I'm a happily married man." Priceless stuff.

Monday, December 3, 2007

I'm Wicked Confused

I stumbled across this video via HOLLYWOODTUNA.COM and I'm still scratching my head. What the hell is going on here ? Why did they invent dance moves that resemble the chicken dance just to promote having a bad case of diarreah? And who needs to call an ambulance when they have the sh*ts ? Normally I would think that you'd just get some good reading material and bunker down on your sh*tter for a few hours while it passes eventually. Just ask Nightmare...he should know. He had the stomach cramps and craps most of Saturday afternoon while farting all over his apartment and smelling the place like a diarreah diaper.

I guess I'll just have to keep scratching my head on this one. I'm lost.

Suds' Wish For An Enormous Penis

This one is for you Suds. Twenty minutes of in depth investigative journalism centering around what your life would be like if you have an ridiculously huge cock. Just skip the intro, its about a minute and a half long. The rest is pure gold. Enjoy.

Sandee Westgate is a Healthy Woman

With over 1.2 million hits on youtube last week, Sandee Westgate's review of the new Bruce Willis flick "Live Free or Die Hard" became the most watched video on youtube. To be honest with you, I don't think I've ever stared at a pair of tits harder than I just did for the 1:47 that just consumed my life. Those things are friggin ginormous! All I could think about was spreading them apart, sticking my head in the middle...and motorboating the sh*t out of those things for another 1:47.

I suggest you guys all get to youtube and watch this broad do more film reviews. I love how bouncy those breasts are as she talks....this is definitely the kind of girl I'd like to bring home for my mother's my old man could share in the fun of staring at oversized cans.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

My sweater may have been ugly, but...

If you look up anticlimactic in the dictionary, there should be a little blurb next to it that says "See Simply Suds". What a joke last night was. Granted, I had a great time fraternizing with The Win Column crew out in Cambridge. It even inspired me to come off the DL and fight through symptoms of carpel tunnel to type this little diddy. But wow, my time with Suds was short lived. To recap, Suds was quick out of the gates, immediately welcoming the Crombinator as one of his own and ordering a few shots of tequila. From there, however, things went down hill. FAST. Now, I wouldn't normally sell someone down the river like this, but Suds went after my sweater this morning and I'm a little peeved. At first I could not believe that he had already awoken to pen a few blogs, but then I remebered that he was face down in a puddle of his own drool by 11 pm and probably got 10 solid hours of shut-eye. There was even debate whether the wet spot on his Wranglers was spilled from that last Cape Codder or due to the fact that he was too hamboned to get up and walk to the ladies room. My vote goes to the latter. Anyway, at about 10:30 Suds took a bet from Chieftain that he could do 20 pushups in the bar. Suds made it to 10 and fell over. Of course, this was before he took off his own sweater (probably because mine put it to shame) and proceeded to "flex" in his wife beater for 20 minutes. No joke. Thankfully, however, Suds passed out at the table and was carried out of the bar by some of the other Win Columners to a waiting water taxi. It was only at that point that the ladies next door started to bat their eye lashes and saddle up. So Sudsy, ugly sweater or not, the Combinator is up 1-0. I look forward to the rematch.

I Wish I Had an Enormous Pecker

I'm the first one to admit I have an "average" sized hog. What I wouldn't give to have an abnormally sized pecker for one day. It would be unbelievably sweet. I'd wear ass-less chaps and slap my man-sized manicotti from thigh to thigh as I walked down the street. I'd ask girls to play with it, maybe even take it for a test drive while they wait for their iced coffee order to be screwed up by some mallet at Dunky D's.

Wouldn't it be nice......

The Win Column Xmas Party in Cambridge Last Night

Well, well, well. I finally get to put a name to the face of the Crombinator. Even though I may have only technically been awake for 40 minutes inside the bar...let me tell you....he dressed to impress. Maybe it was the tequila, maybe it was the sambuca, or maybe it was the fact that he chose to wear his cat nip sweater out to a bar....hoping some lonely kitten would come clawing at it late night. Who knows! Furthermore, I'd like to add that I hear there were hot chicks at the table while I decided to take a nap....this saddens me. I would have liked to come out of my coma and ask them what there c*nts taste like, and other things that would have surely had me tazered by Boston's finest.

Why ? Cause that's how we roll. Good to finally meet you Crombinator.....sick sweater pal. Holy shit....I hope that finds your fireplace soon.

On a side note...I just sat next to the hottest chick I've ever seen in my entire life at the New York Diner in Watertown. If we're talkin' scales of 1 to 10...she's 14 and legal. What I would have given just to be a home fry in that soft, moist mouth of hers. I'd go as far as to say I would have made out with her while my western omelet melted in our mouths of passion. Or maybe I just could have slapped her on the hood of my car. Whatever she's into.