Thursday, September 13, 2007

Professional Athlete's Wives Suck At Life

I'm not really sure what to make of this one, but part of me thinks that this must be a joke. Recently an avid reader of the The Win Column (I know I couldn't believe we still have those either) pointed a website out to me that is completely dedicated to catering to athlete's wives and I've been baffled by it ever since.

I always thought that professional athletes wives had basically won a lottery of sorts. They were essentially plucked out of relative nothingness, and not only brought into the national spotlight, but ever since the day they said "I do" the 'working world' as you and I know it ceased to exist for them. They get put up in million dollar homes, get pimp cars, have people wait on them hand and foot and never......EVER....have to worry about working another day in their life. If their husband is a super star, and they aren't completely heinous (i.e. Kurt Warner's wife) they might end up on national TV or some sh*t. Right?

Well apparently life for professional athelete's wives isn't all chocolate chip cookies and gum drops because they have a website ( that is designed to give " self-help, motivational articles, approved announcements from the leagues and management, and informative news from government agencies such as the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the United States Secret Service, and other league security officials, to inform members on scams and schemes created by individuals who prey upon and steal from athletes and other famous, wealthy people."

"Motivational articles". What in christ's name do they need movitational articles for? Randomly being dropped into the lap of luxery isn't motivating enough you whiney sluts?. The website goes on to say:

"Have you ever noticed how a wife has a knack of turning a house into a home? Or can take an empty refrigerator of leftovers and turn it into a full meal? And, what about that special kiss, or those comforting words that can infuse invisible strength and empower our loved ones to go out and tackle any situation and kill Goliath!"

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most athletes wives aren't struggling to cook dinner every night. Their personal chefs are, but not them. And I'm not sure maxing out your husband's credit cards is 'turning a house into a home'. But hey, thats just me.

So next time you're done paying the monthly bills and check the bottom line in the bank account and you're less then enthused. Just imagine how tough it could be to be married to a millionaire.
*Thanks to Staci for the heads up

Monday, September 10, 2007

Jane Seymour Is 54 And Still Gives Me An Erection

I can admit it. I don't care if you don't believe me but I've been a fan of hers ever since I used to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman with my grandmother when I used to spend the night there on Friday nights. I actually think its sexier that she's 54. If any of you guys can actually watch that scene in Wedding Crashers where she makes Owen Wilson touch her tittie and NOT think she's sexy then you're living a lie. She was a friggin Bond girl for christ's sake (Live and Let Die 1973).

The City Of Brotherly Love Is A Crock Of Sh*T

I'm sure most of you out there were completely disgusted at the NY Jets' fans performance when they were outwardly ecstatic when the ailing Pennington was in obvious pain. The stadium erupted with cheers as he hobbled off the field and the back-up QB ran into the huddle. I mean, I thought it was the most disgraceful performance by a fan base I've ever seen. Which got me thinking. Say what you will about the Sox/Yanks rivalry and how bad we lay into A-Rod when he applies lipstick during the seventh inning stretch. But I'd like to think that the Fenway faithful would not applaud if he went down due to injury.

So here I was ready to absolutely bash the fickle New York fans as being the worst fan base in sports. And regardless of how bad I wanted to write that post, I must admit New York fans look like a Disney Sunday Night movie compared to the bastards that represent Philly. Believe it or not the Philadelphia fan base actually make up the worst performances by a fan base in U.S. sports history*. Without further ado here is the list:

5. Some will say that the 1968 game where Eagle fans pelted Santa at half time should rate up there as worst performances ever, but I actually disagree with that. I would take it up a notch and have Santa, Hanakah Harry and any other religious denomination's holiday mascots line up at the goal line and race 100 yards to the next goal line while having snowballs hurled at them. Whoever wins gets religious bragging rights for the year.

4. All the Philly fans that showed up for draft day and booed the franchise (and McNabb) as they picked Donovan McNabb 2nd overall. At best, I'd like to think they were booing him because they thought he was a bad QB, but unfortunately (to steal a line from Butchie Sterns) I'm not too sure about that.

3. In 1999 Philly fans threw batteries at J.D. Drew (at the time he was on the Cardinals), expressing their anger that he didn't sign with the Phillies after they drafted him in 1997. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a die hard Sox fan, but even I wouldn't want Drew to get pelted with batteries. At worst, I'd love for him to get some form of gout that would sideline him for a few months. But batteries?!?! Come on Philly, we've progressed since the middle ages.

2. Jets' fans booing Pennington after he gets hurt against the Pats. I mean Pennington has repeatedly played hurt throughout his career with the Jets. Personally I think the guy showed a lot of moxy by coming out on the field. And, at that point in the game it wasn't Pennington's fault the Jets were losing. Now, that said as long as he is the QB the Jets aren't going very far in the playoffs. Not to mention he's probably the only guy in New York with a worse throwing arm than Johnny Damon. But to boo the guy for getting hurt??? Show a little class NYC.

1. Cheering Michael Irving as he lay motionless on the ground. During a 1999 game against the Cowboys, while Irving lay motionless for nearly 20 minutes, Philly fans were thrilled at the sight of the injury. The ruthless scumbags even cheered as the paramedics rushed onto the field. Edward Rendell, the Mayor at the time, had this to say "This, in terms of bad taste, was as bad as it gets".

*I wouldn't bring this up, but I know how much this pisses off most of the people that will read this. However, it needs to be said that nothing in America comes close to the depths of hell that is soccer fandom in the rest of the world, particularly England. April 15, 1989: Sheffield, England; 95 people are crushed to death at an English FA Cup semifinal game between Liverpool and Nottingham Forest, when police open gates to alleviate crowding outside Hillsborough Stadium. The resulting rush of people onto the already filled terrace sections traps fans against riot control fences ringing the field.

May 29, 1985 - Brussels, Belgium; 39 people are killed at the European Champions Cup Final at Heysel Stadium when riots beak out and a wall separating rival fans of England's Liverpool and Italy's Juventus of Turin collapses.

And these are just the tip of the iceberg. So Philly can't even hang your hat on the fact that you're the biggest douchebag fans in the world. You are the sports equivalent to a fat toddler that pulls a temper trantrum when he can't have another piece of cake at his mom's party. Win a chamionship and get over it. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!!! If any of you guys don't agree with this, I don't really care...Rhody Trojan is the only person who still reads this anyway.


Dennis and Callahan Stink

So everyone thinks this blog is what? Call me a hopeless romantic but in an attempt to keep oxygen flowing into the dead corpse that is this site, I'm going to continue to post. After the Pats put on an absolute clinic yesterday embarassing the Jets worse than Chieftain embarrases himself by showing up to a Jimmy Buffett show in a three piece suit. Beckett threw a gem yesterday as the Sox march towards the post-season. Despite all this going on this weekend, while I was listening to WEEI this morning, the dominating story (by far) was the fact that John Dennis and Gerry Callahan returned to the airwaves after a 140+ day holdout over contract issues. First let me preface this by saying that I don't know too many details of the situation so if there is someone out there that can enlighten please do. However, am I the only one that didn't miss these herbs at all? You'd think it was the second coming of Christ the way the callers were fawning all over these guys today. I mean the man was flowing BIG time over there this morning. Personally, I think Jerry Callahan is a no talent hack and every time he goes off on one of his rants (every 15 seconds or so) I want to cram a rag drenched with ether in his mouth. As for John Dennis, word on the street is that he brought a ridiculously hot daughter in this world and I think for that we can all be grateful, but I think his contributions to this planet stop there. He clearly brings nothing to the table, and is completely satisfied to sit back and talk about how great his golf game is during the whole show. Not only do these guys stink but they can beat a dead horse probably better than anyone in the history of beating or horses. If you tune in at 6:15 in the morning and they are arguing any point (no matter how small) chances are pretty good if you tune back in at 9:45 the same argument will be going on. No joke, its terrible.

So I may stand alone, when I say that I'm sorry the holdout is over. I thought Meter did a hell of a job carrying the team while those losers were out and personally I think he's the most talented out of the entire staff at EEI (except for Mike Adams whom I LOVE). What are your thoughts?