Iron Lungs

Winnie Langley started smoking only days after the First World War broke out in June 1914 when she was just seven-years-old . . .

She has no intention of quitting, even after the nationwide ban forced tobacco-lovers outside.

Speaking at her 100th birthday party, Winnie said: "I have smoked ever since infant school and I have never thought about quitting.

OK, this lady started blowing back lung darts at the age of 7?!?!? Incredible. The Daily Mirror reports that on August 27, 2007, Winnie celebrated her 100th birthday by smoking her 170,000th heater. That makes Winnie's lifetime batting average somewhere around .250. For you math wizzes out there, that's a quarter pack a day for 93 years. For you smokers out there, that's hope.

There is No Stopping Mike Tyson

Have $31?? If so, you can now own Mike Tyson's $hit.

$12.75 will get you Tyson's skin cells...and $6.75 will earn you Tyson's bacteria.

Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids, a Los Angeles based company thats pawns off bacteria samples of celebrities.

In case you were wondering, "federal laws simply require that our samples not create an immediate threat of injury or disease propagation. Our fecal matter, urine, saliva, and sweat specimens are hermetically sealed in unbreakable plastic containers to prevent any unwanted personal injury. Bacteria and skin cells are sealed within heavy-duty glass microscope slides."

...And, what if you could obtain Courtney Love's (or some other celebrity's) vaginal fluid??

"It depends on how much you can get, the current availability of that celebrity’s specimens, and whether we have the resources to properly identify the specimen in our routine tests. Sellers of accepted specimens will usually earn roughly $500 to $1000 dollars, depending on type of specimen and quantity. Contact us directly for more information regarding this."

...Now, I've never been to L.A., but I'm beginning to think that all people in L.A. are sick and demented. I mean, this company was started by a group of former personal assistants. In my mind, L.A. is full of Spencer Pratt's.

On second thought, I would love to see this company's financials. Could it be possible that these former assistants are making a good living off this novelty? If so, I've never been more disappointed with my American peers.

Also, while we're on the topic of "Iron Mike", when's the last time anyone heard anything about Robin Givins? What happened to her?

Weigh in on this, as I need a sounding board...

http://100percentinjuryrate.blogspot.com/2007/08/you-can-own-piece-of-mike-tysons-poop.html

Real or Fake?

If real, does this cross the line?

Is Vermont the Worst State in the Country?

Sure, this post isn't going to be endorsed by the likes of Orlando and his clan of hippies, but most common folks will come to their senses and realize I'm speaking the truth...even if it's just for this one post.

According to The New York Times, Vermont's clothing-optional capital is stripping off its temporary ban on public nudity.

A month after passing the temporary ban, the Brattleboro Selectboard voted 3-2 on Tuesday to reject a proposed ordinance that would have made it permanent. When the emergency temporary ordinance expires next month, public nudity will no longer be illegal.

It's all about tolerance, one board member said.

''We in this country are going down a slippery slope these days,'' said Dora Bouboulis, noting a national newspaper recently published an article about the emergency ordinance under the headline ''Tolerant town gets intolerant.''

She said it wasn't up to the town to restrict anyone's right to dress or undress.

Before the vote, residents weighed in on both sides of the debate.

Michael Gauthier gave the Selectboard a petition with signatures of 967 people who support a nudity ban.

''What is the point, other than shock and awe, that the nudists are trying to make?'' he asked.

...Where to start??? First off, only 5 people were required to vote on this topic - majority take all? Unbelievable! It's no wonder that Vermont is fully populated with hippies, killers, and perverts. Take it from me...a year-and-a-half ago, I spent close to a month up in Burlington, VT for work. Now, Burlington is supposed to be Vermont's "most happening" town -- well, I've never been more out of place in my life.

Going to work in slacks and a shirt? I may have well been wearing tux. Everyone, no matter the age, wears Teva's, hemp, and Santa Claus beards! It's a different world up north, a world which needs to adopt some structure and responsibility. And, this nudity proclamation isn't a step in the right direction.

Don't get me wrong, I love myself some skin...but this is "Vermont skin" that we're talking about. When I read this article, the only vision I had were fat, naked 40+ something's skipping around the local park, as they pop mushrooms and whatever else made its way into their bag of treats for the week.

Would it kill Vermont residents to simply listen to Trey Anastasio with friggin' clothes on??? I know, I'm the crazy one!

Needless to say, I want to hear Howard Dean weigh in on this matter....

I'd Like to Announce My Retirement

That's right folks, Simply Suds is hanging up his spikes from The Win Column. I woke up this morning with absolutely no ambition to blog....in fact, I woke up this morning and really didn't look forward to anything besides the girl that isn't even hot, but somehow manages to give me a little chubby in the morning when I make that miserable mile and a half drive to Dunkin' Donuts to get my iced coffee. Suds has hit rock bottom. He has a lot of soul searching to do over the next few weeks to try and dig himself out of the shallow grave that the month of July left him in. Two catastrophic injuries, a loss in the softball playoffs after making a Kirk Gibson like recovery from a mangled hand, and now getting canned from a painting job that a bunch of junkies and people that belong behind bars somehow manage to hold on to.....was just the final straw. Hopefully, I will someday return with stories of pissing some helpless girl's bed, or staying up until the sun rises getting weird in somebody else's hot tub....but until that time....I bid you all farewell.

To my fellow Win Column teammates....keep fightin' the good fight. Tell tales of naked chicks, hot chicks, smut, boobs, a$$es, and everything else the perverts that read this site thirst for. I want Red Sox fans to $hit on Yankees fans, and vice versa. I want stories about how Randy Moss and the Big Ticket have rejuvenated the city's thirst for the greatest sport on earth, and a sport that I could care less about.

It's been real and it's been fun. See you all in hell.

Croakies, Love ‘em or Leave 'em?

No doubt about it, croakies (crō – kēze) were once a dying breed. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s when the Oakley wraparounds lost their “radicalness”, croakies too almost went extinct. Fortunately (or unfortunately for all those haters out there), CROAKIES ARE BACK! Let me tell you, I fully, 100%, endorse the reemergence of these neoprene wonders. From the good ol’ boys down south, to the sailing set of the Cape and islands, nobody is losing their sunglasses these days. You could crush 22 Bud Lights, pass out face down in the sand and your sunglasses will still be there the next morning, securely around your neck where you left them. Is there a better feeling? Furthermore, not only are croakies back, but they are better than ever. Check out the sick palmetto design above…damn straight, son.

Battle Of The Face Plant

I apologize for only posting the links, but for some reason the videos wouldn't attach correctly. Anyway, you be the judge....

Personally, I like the first one because it involves damaging a smug toddler.

http://www.break.com/index/kid_faceplants_into_wall.html

http://www.break.com/index/kid-slams-into-wall.html

Happy Lazy Day!!!!

According to Boston.com, today (August 10th) marks Lazy Day, followed closely by Relaxation Day on August 15th. These may not be official holidays, but many observe these days faithfully. Being that it's a Friday and all, we thought we'd help you come up with crafty ways that you can celebrate the holidays, while on the job...

Disclaimer: If you take the following advice, you'll most likely either get demoted or fired (or worse). At the very least, you'll probably be temporarily despised and shunned by your co-workers. If you don't really care about any of these scenarios occurring, then by all means -- go for it.

Wait a minute, there's actually only one "lazy day" in the calendar year? I've already celebrated 150 of these days! Hell, Sudzie has been celebrating "lazy day" since his decision to change careers this past November!

Class is now in Session. NSFW

FHM magazine put together this video showing 28 days worth of Kama Sutra positions demonstrated by two hot chicks. Watch and learn.

(Found on http://break.com/)

(Originally presented by FHM at http://www.fhm.com/kamasutra)

Get Your Weekend Car Wash

Does this chick really start pissing on the roof of this car at the 28 second mark???? Unbelievable. Finally, Suds has met the missing link in his life. "Beach bodies" for two!

In all seriousness...if that's your car, what do you do in that situation?

(Video located on http://break.com/)

A-Rod's Birth Is The Least Important Thing Ever to Happen On July 27th's Throughout History

In an attempt to NOT have Chieftain's homo-erotic post about A-Rod be on the top of the blog, I wanted to share some research I've done today. I think after you review the facts, you'll agree with me that when its all said and done, I'm sure July 27th will NOT be remembered as being A-Rod's birthday. After all he's not even the best ball player that was born on this date, Shea Hillenbrand is (just kidding Chieftain, save your conniption fit for the softball field). I think the facts show that July 27th's throughout the past 250 years have been a meaningful date in the field of communication. Without further ado...

July 27th marks the best of times and the worst of time for good ole' Richard Nixon. On this day back in 1960, he won his party's nomination to run against JFK. As we all know, Nixon lost a narrow race. Many historians point to the invention of the television (arguably the most important invention of communication ever) as the primary reason for Nixon's demise. In those three historic television debates, JFK came across as young, vibrant and articulate as opposed to Nixon who looked like a wet bag of trash that had been ravaged by raccoons through the night. However, on the same date 14 years later, the House Judiciary Committee voted 27-11 to recommend Nixon's impeachment on a charge that he had personally engaged in a "course of conduct" designed to obstruct justice in the Watergate case.

Further, on this day back in 1789, the United States initiated the Dept. of Foreign Affairs which was a pre-cursor for the Department of State. The State Dept. acts primarily as the instrument of communication throughout the world on America's behalf. In essence, its goal is to advance U.S. objectives and interests in the world through its primary role in developing and implementing the President's foreign policy.

After two failures, Cyrus W. Field succeeded in laying the first underwater telegraph cable between North America and Europe back on this day in 1866.

Jesus H, the hits just keep on coming! On July 27th 1940, "A Wild Hare" was released introducing the character of Bugs Bunny. Because of Bugs' popularity among the masses, combined with the HUGE boom of people going to the movies, the government used Bugs Bunny cartoons as a communication tool to the masses, often having Bugs get the better of Adolf Hitler, Hermann Goering, and the Japanese to help ease the tension among the general public as WWII waged on.

On a lighter note, this date marks the abrupt and tragic death of Reggie Lewis whom, at the age of 27, died on the court at Brandeis University during practice. Oh yeah, Bob Hope died today too, but he was 100 and had it coming.

So in closing, I'm sorry for the long-winded post, but I think you'll agree with me that A-Rod's birthday doesn't even make the highlight reel in the history of July 27th's. I hope you twist your ankle tonight A-Rod, and go on the DL.

Orlando

Fly Me to the Moon...

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me

Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you

-Frank Sinatra

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I apologize for getting caught up in a Sinatra moment, but sometimes you just gotta feel the song and get emotional. Per cnn.com today, NASA has released information that says that a bunch of U.S. astronauts have flown space shuttles while absolutely dizzle-hawked.

A panel found that flight surgeons allowed intoxicated astronauts to fly on the shuttle.

The revelation shocked former astronauts and came as NASA deals with the apparent sabotage of a computer bound for the orbiting international space station.

Earlier an Aviation Week story based on the report said the agency found "heavy use of alcohol" by astronauts within 12 hours of launch -- a violation of NASA's standard 12-hour "bottle-to-throttle" rule.

Ok, ok, ok....I'm f*cking confused. NASA has a standard "12 hour bottle to throttle rule"???? So, astronauts can get sh*tfaced after twelve hours that atomic jet blasts off from earth? No wonder we haven't done a god damn thing up in space. Seriously, what do they do up there? We should have been to planets and all that good crap, but instead....our astronauts were pounding booze, getting weird, and probably enjoying some good ol' fashioned space sex while we were expecting results. Actually, good for them. Astronauts are now my new heroes. You want see another headline on CNN.COM.....you put me in a space shuttle with 10 30-packs of Bud Light, two bottles of Bacardi, and four 2-liters of Diet Pepsi.....and I'll show you how weird things can get up in orbit.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/07/27/nasa.woes/index.html

Blind Driveways

You know what really pisses me off.....blind driveway signs. All the sign does is tell me that if a person isn't paying attention, they will probably be killed. I don't slow down when I see them. I carry on as if they didn't exist. I don't study rocket science but wouldn't it make more god damn sense to have a sign facing the people that live on the street..."watch the f#ck out or your going to be plastered on a windshield."

Hail The Man

Here at The Win Column, it has been documented before just how legendary Jack Nicholson is. Everything about him is smooth.

P.I.M.P. -- I mean, just look at him marinating on that boat in Saint Jean Cap-Ferrat. Ladies love him, men wanna be him. After all, Nicholson was named on Maxim's "Top 10 Living Legends of Sex" with an alleged 2,000 women that he has slept with. Without any research, something tells me that Hugh Hefner likely resides at the top of such a list.

But, what I like most about Jack is that he is a true sports fan. There aren't many people from Hollywood that can say the same. Off the top of my head, here is a short list of superstars that actually possess some sports knowledge:

Spike Lee, Turtle (from Entourage), Billy Crystal, Donnie Wahlberg, Vince Vaughn, James Belushi, Alyssa Milano, Jay-Z, and Snoop Dogg.

Any others?? There aren't many more. And, no Ben Affleck does not count -- it wouldn't surprise me if he showed up to Fenway in October wearing his "pink hat".

If the above topic doesn't provide enough debate...then, what's Jack's best all-time film? Discuss...

Thank You, Come Again

Per CNN.COM....

Over the weekend, 7-Eleven Inc. turned a dozen stores into "Kwik-E-Marts," the popular convenience store in the Simpsons. It's all a campaign to promote the upcoming Simpson's Movie that is set to open on July 27th. 7-Eleven is bearing all the costs in the campaign, which they see as a brilliant marketing attempt, and an ability to poke fun at themselves at the same time. Not only do they decorate the stores as "Kwik-E-Marts," but the stores will also sell popular Simpson's items such as: Buzz Cola, KrustyO's cereal, and "Squishees," the slushy drink impostor of Slurpees.

Just when you thought there would be an outrage from Arabs and Arab-American convenience store owners....think again. Take it from Kumar (get Harold and go to White Castle) Assandas, a 28 year-old Seven-Eleven franchise owner in Las Vegas:

"I know it's a stereotype, but it doesn't bother me. Everybody knows it's a joke," Assandas said. "I'm a big 'Simpsons' fan myself, and maybe subconsciously it even inspired me to become a 7-Eleven owner."

Wow, leave it to the Simpson's to poke fun at an entire nationality in a marketing campaign for themselves, and barely stir a lick of controversy. This amazes me. I think this will confirm that the show is one of the most influential and well liked comedies of all-time. Imagine if the Sopranos turned convenience stores into Bada Bing's all over the country. I know the thought of going to the local convenience store and seeing a nice, healthy pair of breasts is something I wake up each day hoping to achieve. Go big, or go home.

Thank you, come again.

Your Daily Shawn Kemp Fix

As reported by the Associated Press...

Any look at the life of Bobby Cutts, Jr. has to include the women and children in it. His oldest daughter, Taylor, was born out of wedlock to a girlfriend in 1997. A younger daughter, Breonna, was born to another woman in 2001, shortly before Cutts married her. His son, 2-year-old Blake, was born to girlfriend Jessie Davis while Cutts was separated from his wife. Relatives say Cutts and Davis were due to have another daughter, Chloe, early next month. But now Cutts is accused of murdering Davis and the unborn girl. … Cutts and Nikki Giavasis, Taylor’s mother, met while attending nearby Walsh University. Taylor has lived with Giavasis for most of her life in California, but Cutts challenged the custody arrangement in 2005. … Susan Hulit Burns, Taylor’s court-appointed guardian, said she was bothered by how often Giavasis switched apartments and daycare providers, questioning the effect on Taylor. She said she was also bothered that Cutts “conceived a child during his separation” from his wife, according to a June 2006 court filing. In 1998, Cutts was accused of breaking into Giavasis’ home while she was inside with former NBA player Shawn Kemp of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cutts pleaded no contest to a disorderly conduct charge and was sentenced to three years’ probation.

Nothing all that interesting here - only that this story cements the fact that all baby momma drama always comes back to the King of it all...Shawn Kemp. Ladies and gentlemen, lock your doors tonight because it's official...Mr. Kemp will drink and bang ANYTHING.

No truth to the rumor that both Cutts and Kemp were/are part of the "Spur Posse". Never heard of the "Spur Posse"?? The "Spur Posse" was a group of high school boys from Lakewood, California, (many of them top high school athletes) who used a point system to keep track of and compare their sexual conquests. The group came to national attention on March 18, 1993, when police arrested a number of the members for various sexual crimes.

On second thought, our own Simply Suds has become the modern day Shawn Kemp.

Here's to you Dale Rippy...

WESLEY CHAPEL, Fla. (AP) - Dale Rippy says he was acting on instinct when a rabid 25-pound bobcat attacked him on his porch in this central Florida suburb. Rippy, 62, endured the bobcat's slashes and bites until it clawed into a position where he could grab it by the throat.

Then he strangled it.

Rippy said it was clear the crazed bobcat had to be stopped. "I was bleeding everyplace," the Vietnam veteran said of the May 30 attack. "If that cat had attacked a child, it would've been really bad. It wouldn't have quit."

I'm willing to guess that most of us have wrestled our fair share of cougars in our day. Heck, maybe even some hogs. Sure, throw in a yeti for 'Suds sake. But have you ever heard anything like this? What a freak this guy must be. Dale Rippy is 62 and he's fighting rabid bobcats to the death. How much would you pay to see a cage match of this sort? Fifty dollars? One hundred? I hear Michael Vick is throwing his hat into the ring and buying Rippy a house in Virginia where he's going to go without food and water for two weeks and then be asked to go nose to nose with a pigmy rinosaurus.

Middle School Student Cock-Blocked By Administration

According to a story on MSNBC.com -- Poor Hal Beaulieu, a student at Kilmer Middle School in Vienna, VA, had the heat dropped on him by the school administration last week because he was caught 'red-handed' fondling his girlfriend at lunch. Beaulieu had this to say of the incident:

"I think hugging is a good thing," said Hal, a seventh-grader. "I put my arm around her. It was like for 15 seconds. I didn't think it would be a big deal."

I hear ya Hal, its not a big friggin' deal. If you want to put your arm around your girl, and possibly cup your hand and cop a feel around her little tittie, I say go for it. Unfortunately, you had to learn at a very young age that we live in a f*cked up society where if you enjoy something, chances are people want to take that away from you. Whether its swapping spit with your girlfriend, or trying to rip butts in the woods behind the football field during fourth period, people will try to shat all over your good time. And I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it only gets worse as you get older. I'm sorry to be such a negative Nancy but Curt Schilling stinks...

Happy International Webloggers Day!

You read that right, ladies and gents. Today is the unofficial holiday for bloggers around the globe to recognize and rejoice in the revolution in online communication that is blogging. If that and flag day weren't enough, I did a little digging...and holy crap is there a lot of stuff that happened on June 14th throughout the years.

For starters, back in 1648, good old Bean-town had its first execution of some crazy broad claiming she was a witch (good riddance, the world has too many crazy chicks, lets start picking 'em off). In 1775, the U.S. Army was established by the Continental Congress - and two years later, Stars and Stripes was adopted as the flag of the United States. Yah, I know, pretty interesting right....well it gets better. In 1789, the first whiskey was distilled from maize in Bourbon County, Kentucky (lets all take a moment of silence to pay homage). On June 14th, 1900, Hawaii became an official state. In 1934, James J. Braddock scored one of the most upsetting victories in of his boxing career by beating John "Corn" Griffin - roughly marking the advent of his comeback to success and eventually winning World Heavyweight championship.

But before you run out and go grab a couple of cold ones to celebrate this 'day of days', its not chocolate chip cookies and milkshakes. This day back in 1937 was a sad, sad day for the U.S. The House of Representatives passed the 1937 Marijuana Tax Act. Although the act itself did not criminalize the possession or usage of cannabis, it was a key step and a foreshadowing (of sorts) of things to come.

Anyways, I lost my train of thought there......to end on a positive note there are also some key birthdays today. With that in mind, I'd like to extend Win Column birthday wishes to Che Guevara, Don Trump and Yasmine Bleeth. And, to pay homage to two things that go hand-in-hand....Hawaii becoming a state and Yasmine Bleeth in a bikini (remember when she was hot??). Enjoy the pics!

Orlando

Larry Flynt is the Balls

Not only is Flynt the man because he owns and operates a nudie mag that comes out each month, but due to his ridiculous wealth he has the opportunity to do something that none of us can do in our day-to-day. Stick it to the man. And I mean really stick it to the man. The above ad cost Flynt $85,000 to run in last Sunday's Washington Post, offering a million bucks to anyone that can provide any substantial information proving that some high-ranking, sh*tbag government official diddled them.

Flynt, an enemy of the Republican party every since some looney shot him and left him paralyzed from the waist down in the 1970's, has pulled off a similar feat in the past. In 1998, when the majority of republicans were calling for Clinton's impeachment, Flynt ran a similar ad that eventually exposed Robert Livingston - a congressman from Louisiana who was tipped to succeed Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House and had demanded that President Clinton resign because of his conduct with Ms. Lewinsky. The exposure ultimately forced Livingston to an early retirement.

God, I love this country! Due to the unparalleled personal rights we have in the good ole US of A, if you have enough money you can expose as many perverts as you want....even if you are, consequently, a perv yourself. Like it or not, Flynt personifies the American dream. So God bless you, Larry...I'll support your cause when I pick up the latest edition of Hustler. And keep raising hell with Dems and/or Republicans alike because, after all, a pompous, rich, smug prick is still an asshole regardless of his political party.

Orlando