Friday, April 27, 2007

Has anyone lost their voice?

It has just come to my attention that there is an awful injustice being brought forth by The Win Column. This injustice is Free Speech. People are being silenced. Comments are being deleted.

It is in my opinion that this needs to be explained ASAP. Why is this happening? What is being posted that is so bad that it has to deleted immediately? Who is posting these comments?

And it needs to be posted to everyone.

Analysis of Phil Hughes' Debut

Even if you despise the Yankees...if you're a baseball fan, then you likely had some interest in how Phil Hughes performed last night vs. Toronto. It's not every day that the top prospect in baseball is called up.

Although his line of 4.1 innings pitched, 4 runs allowed (although 1 should have been unearned because of a terrible throw by Miguel Cairo), 5 K's, 1 BB, and the loss looks rather unimpressive...the cover doesn't always depict the whole story.

With no further ado, here is a brief (and honest) assessment of what I took away from Hughes' up-and-down performance...
  • After the 1st inning (in which you could tell he was a little nervous), he mowed down the Blue Jays lineup for the next 3 innings. During this stint, he was very impressive - as he displayed his entire arsenal. The bottom of the Blue Jays' lineup was overmatched (#2 hitter Adam Lind was as well - evident by the fact that struck out all 3 times he faced Hughes). In turn, the more prolific hitters (Rios, Wells, Frank Thomas) proved to be very tough outs -- especially Wells, whom was perfect on the night. Wells was right on every pitch that he saw from Hughes (even the ones he fouled off).

  • The temperature was low last night, so maybe that's why Hughes consistently only threw his fastball between 90-94 MPH. Either way, by the 5th inning...Hughes was down to 90-91 MPH on the gun, which is a little concerning (it should be noted that Hughes threw 91 pitches last night, his highest total of the young season). Also, as his pitch count progressed, his fastball seemed to become more flat.

  • As noted in yesterday's blog, his 1-to-7 curveball is unbelievable. His curveball is ALREADY one of the top 5 in all of baseball (the pitchers which currently possess the best curveballs are Rich Hill and Barry Zito). Believe me, it's as advertised.

  • Hughes proved that he will challenge anybody and everybody. He frequently used the inner half of the plate, something that many young pitchers stray away from.

Next start: May 1st @ Texas (vs. Kameron Loe)

Daniel Son Okinawa Punch Jab

I remember being like 10 years old when Daniel Larusso beat the hell out of that Japanese bastard in Karate Kid 2. That guy was such a prick, and was always cock blocking Daniel Son whenever he tried to get a little ass on the island. Larusso wasn't disrespecting Japan....he was even living like a local. Mr. Miagi was so proud when Daniel started meditating and then just threw an absolute hay maker at that loser. He must have pounded so much a$$ that night. Daniel probably got 45 hookers and partied until the sun came up. Because that's what I would do if I just won a karate fight against a dildo like this.

And why is it that when I typed in Karate Kid 2 into Google, I got a picture of a toddler doing a flying karate kick. The world is full of sick people. Carry on.

Today's Sleepers...Future NFL Stars

  • John Beck, QB (BYU): This guy is a future stud. If you're looking for the next potential Tom Brady in this draft, Beck is your man. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Brady Quinn (much more than JaMarcus "Culpepper" Russell)...but its Beck's intangibles which will (someday) lead him to stardom. There is not a single pass Beck cannot complete. When in the pocket, Beck is as smooth as they come. He displays a Bledsoe-like release with tremendous accuracy, to boot. Bottom line...he's an Offensive Coordinator's dream.
  • Steve Smith, WR (USC): While Dwayne Jarrett stole the headlines out in Hollywood for the past 3 years, Steve Smith will be the better NFL wideout (I promise you this). Smith is your prototypical possession receiver - he defines this term. Very, very quick. Great route runner. Great hands. Dedicated worker - been described as a "grinder". Think Troy Brown while in his prime, but with a MUCH greater ceiling. POLISHED PLAYMAKER!

Remember these names (I'm never wrong)....

Schilling Speaks

Straight from Schilling's blog (

Take Gary Thorne, John, Jack Joe or whatever his first name is, Heyman, Karen Vescey, Woody Paige, CHB, Jay Marriotti, Bill Plaschke, and a host of other people that litter the media landscape, and put them all on an island somewhere.

Does anyone stop reading their newspapers? Watching the shows they appear on? The answer to that is no. Instead of using the forums they participate in to do something truly different, change lives, inspire people, you have an entire subset of media whose sole purpose in life is to actually be the news, instead of report it. They have little to no talent at what they do and other than a mastery of the English language their skill sets are non-existent.

Watching Woody Paige or the plastered made up face of Jay Marriotti spew absolutely nothing of merit on sports, day after day, makes it easy to understand how Gary Thorne could say something as stupid, ignorant, and uninformed as he did the other night.

Before last night I’d only known who Gary Thorne was due to becoming a hockey fan and enjoying his calls of the NHL playoffs. I’ve always thought he was an awesome hockey announcer. Can’t say I’ve ever met him though so we certainly don’t know each other.

It was blood. You can choose to believe whatever you need to, but facts are facts. The 25 guys that were in that locker room, the coaches, they all know it. In the end nothing else really matters. The people that need to believe otherwise are people with their own insecurities and issues.

The only problem I have is this. If you look back, from the day of game six in the ALCS, through today, you won’t find a newspaper article, radio or TV interview in which I offered the blood, the sock, the game, any of it, as a topic. I haven’t talked about it since the post game interview room that night.

People have asked and I have answered, but the mileage the media got from the incident is all of their own making. When I walked into the room for the post game interviews and offered up my first response to the questions about the game I basically said that the night was a revelation for me. That my faith in God that evening showed me things I’d never believed.

As I uttered those words I could see pretty much every person in that room roll their eyes and smirk. That’s not what any of them wanted to hear, truth or not. That was not good copy. They needed more and what I didn’t give them, they got themselves.

I won’t belittle the night or the event because on a personal and a team level it was an incredible experience. I never took sole credit nor deserved it for us winning that game, or the series. Without Mark's home run or Bronson and Keith doing what they did out of the pen we don’t win that game. Without Derek dealing in game seven, Johnny going deep twice, David’s home run and a host of other people we don’t win the series. What came out of that series from a public perception standpoint was not how we all felt. Was I proud of what I did? Absolutely, but I also never thought for a second that was the sole reason we won.

What I experienced in NY and again in game two of the world series was a deeply religious and deeply personal thing. I’ve never been one to hide how I feel and sharing what I went through was not something I had a problem with. I’ve forsaken my relationship with the Lord far too many times and wasted far too many opportunities to glorify him and what he’s done for me in my life. I also knew the media would have a field day with the comments. Obviously I didn’t care.

That somewhat changed yesterday. My only real problem is not that Gary Thorne said something stupid and ignorant, which he did, but that without a word being uttered by anyone in our clubhouse this somehow became a major news story.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, working in the media is a pretty nice gig. Barring outright plagiarism or committing a crime, you don’t have to be accountable if you don’t want to. You can say what you want when you want and you don’t really have to answer to anyone. You can always tell the bigger culprits by the fact you never see their faces in the clubhouse. Most of them are afraid to show themselves to the subjects they rail on everyday.

So Gary Thorne says that Doug told him the blood was fake. Which even when he’s called out he can’t admit he lied. Doug never told Gary Thorne anything. Gary Thorne overheard something and then misreported what he overheard. Not only did he misreport it, he misinterpreted what he misreported.

Doug is a good friend of mine and I knew the second I saw him that he felt horrible. He didn’t have to. I knew the second I was told what had happened that he didn’t say it. I felt horrible for him feeling bad and told him to forget about it. I also knew that being the friends we are, he wouldn’t. But even after they spoke Gary Thorne still covered his ass by lying about the conversation and twisting it in a way that absolved him from blame. Tito got phone calls all day, I did as well, and some other guys did too. It’s 2007 and this team has got a great thing going. The last thing we need is an idiotic distraction that shouldn’t even exist.

So now you have the actual Doctor that performed the surgery both times, my teammates and coaches all admitting it was real (as they did two years ago), yet people still want to think otherwise. The sock from game two of the world series has been in the hall of fame for 2 years now, anyone at anytime could have tested it if they truly wanted to know. However if they do that, and realize that the blood is real, what happens to the story? I’m still convinced that the sock from game 6 of the ALCS is in someone that works in the Yankee clubhouses home.

Remember this, the surgery was voluntary. If you have the nuts, or the guts, grab an orthopedic surgeon, have them suture your ankle skin down to the tissue covering the bone in your ankle joint, then walk around for 4 hours. After that go find a mound, throw a hundred or so pitches, run over, cover first a few times. When you’re done check that ankle and see if it bleeds. It will. There was less visible blood in game two because we recognized the amount of bleeding from the first game and Doctor Morgan put extra covering to stop the blood from running to the bottom of my shoe as it did the first game.

The other great part of this is knowing that anyone that wrote anything about a ‘conspiracy’ or a ‘plot’ is someone that is so far removed from understanding how physically and mentally challenging it is to play this game at this level you can almost laugh off their stupidity. Not to mention they obviously have shortcomings, bitterness and jealousy in their own lives that should probably get taken care of.

So for one of the first times this blog serves one of the purposes I’d hoped it would if the need arose. The media hacked and spewed their way to a day or two of stories that had zero basis in truth. A story fabricated by the media, for the media. The best part was that instead of having to sit through a litany of interviews to ‘defend’ myself, or my teammates, I got to do that here. As I said earlier, believe what you need to, whatever makes you sleep better at night is probably your best bet.

The saddest part in all of this is the following. Yesterday, as I was warming up for the game, I got to see a young kid, could not have been more than 20, who had served in Iraq. He was being honored by the Orioles and threw out the first pitch. He was a double amputee who’d lost the lower portion of both of his legs serving his country. He refused to use his cane and getting to see him do that was incredible.

Instead of finding this kid and writing a story that truly matters, something that would and could truly inspire people, the media chose to focus on a story that was over two years old and a completely fabricated lie. What a job.

Someone gave me a great idea to end this once and for all. No one will ever need to bring it up again. I’ll wager 1 million dollars to the charity of anyones choice, versus the same amount to ALS. If the blood on the sock is fake, I’ll donate a million dollars to that persons charity, if not they donate that amount to ALS.

Any takers?

NBA's Top 25

As a tribute to the NBA Playoffs (and because it's a slow news day), The Win Column has compiled a list of the NBA's current top 25 all-around players. As one of a select few true NBA fans which remain...the below list disregards fantasy numbers, John Hollinger's rankings, a player's age, and/or a player's value when compared to his standing salary -- this list is all about whom are the best 25 players in the NBA today (in order)...

  1. Kobe Bryant, SG
  2. Tim Duncan, PF
  3. Dwyane Wade, G
  4. Dirk Nowitzki, PF
  5. Steve Nash, PG
  6. Lebron James, SF
  7. Kevin Garnett, PF
  8. Tracy McGrady, SG/SF
  9. Yao Ming, C
  10. Amare Stoudemire, PF/C
  11. Carmelo Anthony, SF
  12. Gilbert Arenas, PG
  13. Elton Brand, PF
  14. Allen Iverson, G
  15. Chris Paul, PG
  16. Chris Bosh, PF
  17. Chauncey Billups, PG
  18. Jason Kidd, PG
  19. Paul Pierce, SG/SF
  20. Vince Carter, SG
  21. Dwight Howard, PF/C
  22. Jermaine O'Neal, PF
  23. Ray Allen, SG
  24. Luol Deng, SF
  25. Richard Hamilton, SG

Others considered: Baron Davis, Pau Gasol, Joe Johnson, Michael Redd, Carlos Boozer, Tony Parker, Shawn Marion

You're The Best Around

The greatest Gift I could give you on a Friday with Lyrics.

Try to be best
‘Cause you’re only a man
And a man’s gotta learn to take it

Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you’ll succeed

Never doubt that you’re the one
And you can have your dreams!

You’re the best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til the end
Cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you

Ah you gotta be proud
starin’ out in the cloud
When the odds in the game defy you

Try your best to win them all
and one day time will tell
when you’re the one that’s standing there
you’ll reach the final bell!

You’re the best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own


You’re the best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til you drop
never stop
can’t give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you’re the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down

You’re the best!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Can Someone Throw a Chicken Wing Into My Fat Mouth????

SD Padres -125 over the Arizona Diamondbacks.

I'm looking to bounce back from a bad pick last night. Who knew that Washburn could even go nine innings...that's friggin' pathetic...the A's had more swing and misses than the retard that tried to fight me in seventh grade for making the do do do do do circus song, 'cuz he hated clowns. How'd that righty nighty treat you, pal? You cost me a trip to Camp Bournedale where I could have looked at smut in my sleeping bag.

Moving on...Livan Hernandez is pitching tonight, and he's a fat piece of crap that throws puss. He pitched 1000 innings in his glory days, and that shoulder and arm are tired.....from stuffing endless amounts of KFC into his fat head.

Take the Padres tonight -125, as Hernandez will be eating hot dogs and sausages while on the $hitter by the 5th inning. He may even get Applebees curb side delivery right to the club house so he can wash down his steak with some jalepeno poppers. He's gonna get spanked!!!! Chris Young can still be an effective pitcher...and he will be tonight. The Padres win by at least 4 here. Take 'em, and pay me, or pay a hooker, since that's the only tail you'll probably get.

12 Days Until Opening Day

It could have been the titanic blast I launched into the parking lot during yesterday's BP session....but I've never been so excited to play an organized sport in my horrific 25 year old life. My life is actually this bad, that I have to count the days until I play Men's Softball with a bunch of gym class heroes and prick bastards. I'll probably yell at umpires, opposing players, and wink at any clam in the stands before I tuck in my 2 XL jersey into my boxers to get the slimming effect.

I'm dialing 9 for long distance early and often this season. For all opposing players that read this website, and I know there's a few of you, your team sucks. Go to hell, it's all about the red and navy blue.

It's also about the 3 Bud Lights I drink before the game, and the 13 after the game...but that's a whole different blackout that will be blogged about after Opening Day on May 7th.

Dial 9 for Long Distance

Barry Bonds hit # 741 last night. For some reason, I actually care. Maybe it's because he's on my fantasy baseball team....maybe it's not. I might actually start rooting for Barry Bonds. I've been on his case for some time now....but I love it when he cranks a home run into the Pacific Ocean. So what if he does or did steroids? He never failed a drug test. Neither did any of the roid heads on my high school football team. Too bad I didn't smell what they were cookin, or I'd be playing on Sundays.

Let's go Balco Bonds!

Arrowhead Stadium Abortion

The NFL Network's Adam Schefter reports that the Chiefs have been having general trade discussions with various NFL franchises regarding running back Larry Johnson. They reportedly are shopping Johnson for a high first round and multiple other picks.

Ok, someone give me a ball tap right now. Are the Chiefs dabbling in some Special K or Acid tabs this draft week? We're talkin' LJ here. He's an absolute beast, and he throws up the rock whenever he scores any of his 20 touchdowns in a given season. I know all of the losers on this website want here you go, pricks....1750, 1789, 20, 17. And that's not the amount of warrants out for my arrest after last night's debacle....that is LJ's yards and rushing touchdowns for 2005 and 2006. Take that along with the 370 yards he's averaged receiving in the last two years, and you have a guy that probably needs to go up one cup size. Seriously, he may tuck his junk into his gurtle. This guy is a stud. I don't know much about Kansas City as an actual city, except for the fact that their baseball team is loaded with gays....but, Arrowhead Stadium is one of the toughest places to play in football. I personally won at least two grand betting on the Chiefs at home this year, granted the A/R I probably did with the Carolina Panthers at 8 PM on ESPN Sunday Night football probably buried me.......but, Kansas City will regret this decision if they trade the 2nd best running back in the NFL.

Bacardi and Diet Cola......They Get the Job Done

So what if it was Wacky Wednesday and I decided to get absolutely cocked last night? Of course I played a little Drinko, put in my Kanye West "College Dropout" CD, and just let my hair down. I had an appetite for destruction, and I just felt like blacking out. So I chugged Bacardi and Diet Cola....Diet Pepsi for all you attention whores out there. The result? I woke up ass naked in my bed not even having a god damn clue what bars my current tour took me to last night. I obviously didn't hook up with any chicks, but I'm sure I told at least 4 girls that I would eat their asses last night. I vaguely remember hitting the dance floor....where I attempted to just grind dumpers and try and get a little Pokey Reese in the mix.

I'm so friggin' hungover right now that I could puke. Going to the gym was an awful idea, but I'd like to put everyone on notice. I'm down to 191 pounds, and if you think I'm stopping're dead wrong. You're all going to wash your friggin' drawers on my eight minute abs. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm just gonna be a chubby kid until you put the final nail in my Coach Coffin. I hope you all choke on your lunches.

So I Kissed a Girl......So What??

Apparently, Richard Gere has got himself in some hot water because the entire country of India is burning effigies of him and calling for his head, and he didn’t even kill a cow! The sentiments stem from an incident that occurred recently in India when Gere was in town participating in a rally to help raise money for people with AIDS and orphans in the country. Towards the end of his speech, Gere reached over and grabbed Shilpa Shetty (pictured above) and gave her a little kiss on the cheek. Can you blame this guy? The chick is an absolute smoke show.

Apparently, the Indian government is on the lookout and next time Gere comes to India they are going to try and nab him and throw him in the slammer for 3 months. Normally, I wouldn’t give two $hits about Richard Gere, but this story is just completely ridiculous. Just goes to show you, whenever you try to help eliminate AIDS globally, it's inevitable that you’ll have some third-world country all over your ass.

Jacked Up for Tonight!

I've been waiting for this day for the past 2 years....

PHILIP HUGHES, 20, makes his much anticipated major-league debut tonight vs. Toronto -- at The Stadium. By all accounts, Hughes is the top pitching prospect in all of baseball.

Standing at 6'5", Hughes has been tagged as having "the best arm in camp" for the past 2 years -- by the likes of Jorge Posada and Alex Rodriguez. On numerous occasions, Jason Giambi has compared him to Roger Clemens.

Last year in the minors, Hughes dominated -- to the tune of 168 K's (and only 34 walks) in 146 innings.

Over the course of the 253 innings pitched in his minor league career, Hughes has done it all... 23-8 record, 2.24 ERA, an amazing 286:58 K-to-BB clip. And of course, the microscopic WHIP of 0.87.

Here's to hoping that Hughes' impeccable control (the issue with almost all prospects) translates into immediate success at the big-league level.

Red Sox fans...familiarize yourself with this mug - because for the next 15 years, you will be watching:

  • 93-98 MPH fastballs (mostly 4-seamers)
  • a low 80's 12-to-6 and 1-to-7 hard-breaking curveball -- which is absolutely DEVASTATING
  • a hard slider with late bite
  • an improving changeup
  • ...and lastly, a very deceiving delivery

Come October, tell me how the "banged-up" rotation of...WANG, PETTITTE, CLEMENS, MUSSINA, and HUGHES...sounds?

The Plot Thickens

The secondary story of the day (I'll get to the primary story momentarily) surrounds the hype which was Curt Schilling's "bloody" sock -- back in the 2004 ALCS.

During the 5th inning of last night's Baltimore-based telecast, well renowned broadcaster Gary Thorne insinuated that said sock was not actually bloody -- but, indeed, paint!

"The great story we were talking about the other night was that famous red stocking that he wore when they finally won, the blood on his stocking," Thorne told broadcast partner and Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer.

"Nah," Thorne said. "It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR.

In between innings, Boston-based writer Gordon Edes marched up to the Baltimore booth to further inquire about what he had just heard. At this point, Thorne continued to stress what Mirabelli supposedly told him a few years ago.

...whether this is true or not, I can't say. However, I really hope what Thorne maintains is truth. Schilling is one of the most loathsome athletes I have ever watched -- EVERYTHING he does is for PR. No?? So, the Sox sign Dice-K...and, in turn, Matsuzaka immediately becomes the headliner - and Schilling becomes an afterthought. So, what does Schilling do?? What every normal athlete would do...starts a blog! Are you kidding me?? Simply put, this guy can't stand not being the story.

Lastly, why would Thorne make this up? What incentive does he have? He's already very respected within the industry...this could only come back to bite him in the a$$. Also, if you recall correctly...this incident has been questioned in the past -- by a published GQ article and by another Baltimore-based writer.

If true, I'm sure Mirabelli made this comment while with the Padres -- when he assumed he would never again play for Boston. Hmmmm...very interesting.

Shocked and Appalled

Once again, we find ourselves seeing the pictures of Schill's bloody sock from the 2004 ALCS plastered all over the news. Don't get me wrong, I could talk about that series day and night for the rest of my life and not get tired of it. But this time, the media has gone too far. Last night during the Mid-Atlantic Sports Network's telecast of Red Sox-Orioles, play-by-play man Gary Thorne proceeded to tell a story that none other than Doug Mirabelli told Thorne 'years ago' that the red stain on Schill's sock was, in fact, not blood. Whoa!....relaaaaax buddy. Being the President of the Doug Mirabelli fan club, I obvioulsy took the news rather hard. Until the end of the game, the vibe around the Mirabelli fan club headquarters was glum as we searched for answers. All uneasiness was put to rest after the game when the word coming out of the Mirabelli camp went something like this ""What? Are you kidding me? He's [expletive] lying. A straight lie," Mirabelli said, according to The Boston Globe. "I never said that. I know it was blood. Everybody knows it was blood."

Phew! I knew Dougie wouldn't let me (and The Nation) down. Let it be known, far and wide, that as of today the Mirabelli fan club has put a bounty on Thorne's head. Trying to slander the name of arguably the best back up catcher in baseball is NOT something we take lightly. If I were Mirabelli, I'd hunt down Thorne and stick an old cum sock down his throat.

Are "Cheetah Blades" Cheating?

South African Oscar Pistorius (aka, "Blade Runner"), 20, is currently (and I stress the word, currently) an athletics sensation -- holder of world records in the 100m, 200m, and 400m events. However...up until three years ago, Pistorius had never even stepped foot on a track! After all, he is a double amputee (his legs were removed at the age of 1).

Pistorius is now one of a handful of runners around the globe who could make the Olympic qualifying time - he is less than a second away.

According to Sports by Brooks, Pistorius was allowed to compete last month at the South African national track championships - and finished 2nd in the sprints competition. Thus, he has a legitimate chance to make the South African '08 Olympic team.

BBC News has gone on to say that "the world body governing athletics, the International Association of Athletics Federation (IAAF), has already moved to block Pistorius from the Olympics, with a new rule banning technical aids."

...ok, is this a joke?? Pistorius obviously should not be able to compete in any normal Olympic events. Yes, Pistorius is an AMAZING itself. That's where this story should end (he has beaten all odds and has overcome more adversity than any of us will probably ever be able to even fantasize). With that said, who knows how much of a benefit these "cheetahs" (another word for the so-called, "blades") are? Sh*t, Pistorius had NEVER stepped foot on a track before 3 years ago -- and, now he's in position to potentially qualify for the Olympics?!? Call me crazy, but these cheetahs/blades are far more unfair than any dose of steroids.

Pistorius claims, "I train harder than any of the other guys do. I put in more hours. I eat better. I sleep better. I rest better and, overall, I am more diligent." No offense, Oscar...but, aren't these attributes assumed?? I mean...obviously, you're going to "rest" better when you can't stand up!

In closing...if Pistorius is allowed to qualify for the Olympics and does, indeed, qualify...then, I assure you that I will be chopping Simply Suds' legs off in the coming weeks (while he is in his regular blackout stage).

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Even Though I'm Late....I'll Still Go 6-0 in Locks of the Day

I missed the 7:00 PM and 8:00 PM games...but have no fear, my pick is here.

Oakland A's -127.....because I said so. Bitche$.

A Real American

Being this the first post that I have contributed to The Win Column, I figured I needed to make sure the resident Poet Laurent Simply Suds would approve. So to make everyone’s day just a little brighter I present - A Real American. Turn your speakers up, Brother.

Mr. Steinbrenner...Cut Torre's Cord!

While analyzing last night's game vs. Tampa Bay...Joe Torre (in typical form), once again, gave away another one. It's getting ridiculous! Three years ago...Torre was, without argument, the best manager in the game. As a Yankee fan, I can admit that he has since become one of the worst -- and, it has transcended at an exponential rate.

Back to last night's game....
  • While leading 3-2 (in the 7th inning), Torre inexplicably pinch-ran Melky Cabrera (whom isn't fast) for Josh Phelps. This is a 1 run game!! Jeter is already out of the game -- chances are you're going to need to score a few more insurance runs to win this game (especially, when you take into consideration the Yanks' current bullpen woes). So, why on God's green earth would you pull Phelps (by the way, I'm starting to love his approach as a hitter)?? The chances of Phelps getting another AB later in the game were close to 100%. But, to make matters even the bottom half of the inning, Torre inserted Doug Mientkiewicz for JOHNNY DAMON!!! So...essentially, this was a defensive replacement turned terribly bad?? Listen up, Joe...Mientkiewicz SUCKS!! I could care less about his defense at 1B -- a first baseman's defense VERY rarely comes into play (much less than EVERY other position). To put this into perspective...Torre, in a 1-run game against Kazmir, no longer had Jeter, Damon, and Phelps as offensive options. His defensive alignment had worsened at SS and CF, but had been upgraded at 1B!! And, sure enough...both automatic outs, Cabrera and Mientkiewicz, were mowed down by Al Reyes in the 9th! Joe...from me-to-you -- you suck!!

  • The Yankees bullpen is currently on pace to throw 673 innings this year -- which would shatter the all-time record of 601 innings. However...after 81 pitches, Torre yanked Chien-Ming Wang. Fine - I guess I can live with that, considering this was his first start from coming off the DL (although the injury had nothing to do with his arm - and has been throwing throughout the entire stint). What I can't fathom is why Torre lifted him in favor for Luis Vizcaino (whom I may bomb before season's end)??? make it EVEN better, Torre opted to intentionally walk Rocco Baldelli -- immediately upon Vizcaino's entrance. Ok, let's get something straight...Vizcaino has issued twice as many walks as he has strikeouts this year -- he can't throw an f'n strike to save his life, yet you bring him in to purposely throw 4 balls??? TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE! Joe, you never bring in a pitcher to intentionally walk someone. Never! So, now...the bases are loaded with 1 out -- the Yanks are obviously hoping for a double play. HELLO! Joe, you just took out your one double-play artist (in Wang) -- all he does is induce groundballs! In turn, Vizcaino owns a career groundball-to-flyball ratio of 0.88 (which is terrible). It took me less than a minute to do this research, yet Torre has oodles of stats in front of him and watches these guys work on a daily basis -- and still can't figure out how to manage the game! So, what happens next...Vizcaino gets Brendan Harris to softly fly out. 2 outs. Out comes comes Mike Myers. Let's get one thing straight...Mike Myers is a boob! Myers is supposed to specialize in tapping out lefties. However...for the past 2 years, lefties have hit him better than righties. That's when the light bulb should go off -- Myers is no longer a specialist of ANYTHING. typical Joe Torre fashion, he continues to trot Myers out there -- and Myers continues to get tattooed. This giving up a grand slam to Carl Crawford. This has become commonplace. I'm sick...

...someday, I swear to you -- Torre will finally realize that Brian Bruney is his best option at getting to Mariano Rivera.

Wayne Rooney is a Legitimate Animal

I know most of the people reading this won't agree with a post talking about soccer, but hear me out. English forward Wayne Rooney might just be the guy to reverse your opinion about the sport and its players. Granted, there is a lot of pu$$y diving in the game, and I agree that it is a trend that needs to change. Rooney is one of the top notch players in the game that doesn't fall into the diving trend. He is an absolute beast, and by that I mean he owns the most red cards in international play for things like kicking people in the groin, literally beating the hell out of people on the field and spitting at referees. Not only that, he was suspended for 3 games by the English league last year for head-butting and beating the piss out of a player on his rival team at a restaurant before one of their matches. To add to his absolutely crazier than a $hithouse rat mentality, he is the youngest player in history to play for the English national team and the youngest to score in a European championship. To add to his mystique, he comes from a very humble background with his dad being a dock laborer and his mom is a school food service employee. He is exactly the type of blue-collar, hard nose athlete that Boston, of all places, would embrace if they would only give the sport a chance.

It's Never Iffy, If It's Griffey

It's going to be a slow blog day for me, due to the fact that I have to go to work today like the rest of you mallets. But I'm up an at em' early...gonna get in a nice back workout for the ladies...then get these hands dirty landscaping God's green earth. Life is good. Kill me.

There were three baseball players I idolized growing up.

1) Mo Vaughn

2) Mike "The Gator" Greenwell

3) Ken Griffey Jr.

Now since the first two passed on to retirement long ago, I find it fitting to congratulate Mr. Griffey Jr. for his accomplishment last night. Ken Griffey Jr. hit career homer No. 564 on Tuesday, moving him past Reggie Jackson for 10th place on the all-time list.
Griffey's first homer came in his 54th at-bat of the season. He is now five homers behind Rafael Palmeiro and nine back of Harmon Killebrew on the career list.

Good for you, Ken. It's really a shame that you're such a pu$$y and get hurt all the time....because we'd be seeing a classy, modest baseball player shatter Hank Aaron's home run record, and instead we have to watch Mr. Roid Head crank out home runs left and right this summer as he takes the greatest record in all of sports. This infuriates me. Griffey's swing is magic. He's a role model to kids, but because he didn't hit the sauce....he had 56 untimely injuries, and thus, will not be able to take a shot at the record.

Just stating facts here, ladies and gentlemen. I can't always be talking about toddlers, overweight women, and how I didn't get laid last night.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Juanita Jordan Gets Her Groove Back

As a follow-up to the earlier post about MJ blowing backs out while on Spring Break in's only appropriate to make note of Juanita Jordan's, 47, latest conquest.

According to Media Takeout, Jordan's ex is now linked to a 29-year-old investment banker. When her divorce to MJ is finalized in the coming months, it is presumed that Juanita will take home close to $200 million (the 4th most expensive divorce settlement in history).

My question is...why the hell did Jordan ever get hitched in the first place?? Not only is Juanita (whom I'm sure is a great woman) beat, but c'mon...Jordan has gotten down with thousands of blondes in the last 20+ years. He's the greatest athlete of all-time! His image is flawless (the media has protected Jordan more so than any other individual in history -- look no further than why he left to play was either that or get kicked out of the NBA because of his wild and degenerate gambling sprees -- yet, not so much of a peep was/is made about this issue). Imagine this happening now -- it would never happen! I mean, sh*t, Reggie Bush -- quite possibly the most celebrated collegiate football player of our generation -- couldn't even keep the media quiet about pocketing a quick mill (or so)...and this is a commonplace matter with nearly all D-I athletes.

Anyways...despite how they may (or may not) look, Juanita Jordan is now not too far behind Jennifer Steinbrenner (whom I'd drop down on one knee for) as most desirable "hags" in my book. $200 million and/or future owner of the Yankees...sign me up! Either way, I'd win -- and you'd lose!

The Eye of The Tiger

Quick thought of the night....

When I hear this Survivor song, I feel like punching myself in the face 50 times just to prove the theory of "no pain, no gain." Is there seriously a better song to get pumped up to? I can't seem to think of one. I'd do push-ups in piles of horse $hit to this song, and enjoy it. Hell, I'd even smear the horse crap on my face to show you all that I meant business. Maybe I'd eat it friggin' losers. I hope you don't think I like any of you. You're all meaningless, degenerate bastards.

I hope you all have miserable days. By the way, I'm 5-0 on my locks of the day, and Chieftain can eat my a$$ with his baseball knowledge. Hop on the bandwagon,'re team is in shambles!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody Wang Chung'd tonight in Tampa. The entire Devil Rays team is currently getting steamers from the Buccaneers cheerleaders....and they're all probably hung like horses too. Carl Crawford and Rocco Baldelli are practicing for the double penetration Olympics. F all of you.


The Boston Herald is reporting that Sebastian Telfair has been kicked to the curb by Wyc Grousbeck and the Boston Celtics. Thank God!

The former #13 overall pick (in the 2004 Draft), whom signed a $20 million endorsement deal with Adidas upon graduating from high school, is absolutely terrible -- he's a midget on the court, he doesn't have an ounce of muscle, makes terrible decisions on-and-off the court, can't shoot, can't play defense, can't penetrate, and doesn't demonstrate any passion. The only good thing about him is that his wife is a complete smoke-show.

According to the Boston Herald, Sebastian Telfair "apparently has played his last game as a Celtic." The team has removed his name plate from the locker room Tuesday, with co-owner Wyc Grousbeck saying, "He does not have a Celtics locker and we do not anticipate that he will." Telfair was arrested last Friday and charged with felony gun possession. If the Celtics are unable to trade him, the newspaper suggests that the team could buy out the final year of Telfair's contract, which will pay him $2.6 million.

Looking to go 5-0 on my Locks of the Day

A good win by the Indians last night to bail me out. Much thanks to "Pronk" and the boys for getting the W in extra innings. A lot of people aren't going to like my lock of the day today....but I am going with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays at +155 to get another W against the struggling Yankees tonight. Wang is on the hill for the Yankees in his season debut....I have to think his control will be off, and he'll miss some, he'll be on a limited pitch count in his debut. Crawford, Baldelli, and Delmon Young will have a field day when Wang makes a mistake. Sure, the Yankees could hit Kazmir as well....but he's a stud....and studs get it done when it counts.

Go Devil Rays!

American Idol or American Sumo Wrestler?

Holy crap, I don't know where to even begin. I think I could write about this fat tub of lard for 4 days, all without feeling any sort of sensation in my pants (like a normal Friday night). What the hell happened to Kelly Clarkson? She used to be kind of decent looking....I mean, I never cranked off to her or anything...but I always figured I'd probably bang her if I was looking to club a baby seal over the head at last call to bring home. These pictures make me want to puke....literally. What the hell is going on with with this girl on vacation? Usually if you're going to go somewhere warm, where bikini's come into play...maybe she would think to lay off the Twinkies, Devil Dogs, and bacon grease fat. She should have just drank water for a month. That's hideous. I haven't seen a torso that brutal since my college graduation day in 2003, when I awoke out of a blacked out coma and looked in the mirror at the disgusting human I had become due to drinking 200 Bud Lights a week, and about 40 dollars worth of Wendy's on all those packy runs.

Now, the second picture just frightens me. I don't even think the hot dog eating champion Kobayashi could stuff a Fenway Frank down his throat like this pig is doing. Is she getting timed to see how fat she can get in 30 seconds? That thing is loaded with condiments and extras. She probably had them sprinkle chocolate jimmies on the goddamn thing so that she could get a little extra boost from the sugar. Normally I'd make a joke about how she'd probably eat a guys hog like it was the last supper....but the thought of letting this swine anywhere near my pecker makes me uncomfortable....damn, you don't hear that often.'re disgusting. If America could vote again, they'd tell you to pick up an eating disorder and get back to health. It's time you go to fat camp with Ruben Studdard and both of you whales realize that it's better to have everything in moderation.

MJ Does "The Kobe Dance"

While in Cabo a few weeks back...Michael Jordan, once again, proved just how unstoppable he is against a double team.

My favorite part of this that MJ is grabbing the ceiling for stability. Whom thinks MJ went "Bill Clinton" with that cigar later on in the night??

Just Friends, Right??

The above photos are of Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood, while "hanging out" to celebrate Romo's 27th birthday.

I really have nothing to say about this, except that Romo is obviously over-achieving...and "getting it done" in the process. He seems to have gotten over the botched extra-point just fine.

At what point next we see them, once again, playing grab-ass during warm-ups??

Joe Torre Has Lost It

As I promised yesterday, I would further explain why Joe Torre is no longer the right man for the job in NY. And, no...I'm not overexaggerating because of the Yanks' recent skid. Last October, I was positive that Mr. George Steinbrenner III was going to lower the hammer on Torre -- after he displayed one of the worst managerial jobs in recent memory against the Tigers, the heavy underdog in the series. Sh* do you explain benching Jason Giambi in the playoffs?? Only to follow this dumbfounding decision up by benching Gary Sheffield vs. Kenny Rogers. I don't care if Sheffield wasn't 100%. It's Gary Sheffield, for Christ's sake...his bat wiggle is enough, in-and-of itself, to make "The Gambler" sh*t himself on the mound!! And, let's not forget the fact that Torre batted A-Rod 8th in the deciding game. 8th!!! This is the same A-Rod which may very well be the greatest player in ever play the game, when it's all said and done.

Onto this season...there is no single manager whom is worse at managing a bullpen. Seriously, Torre is worse at managing a bullpen than Theo is at constructing one. Why? For starters, Brian Bruney is the Yankees' second best reliever. I can see this...everyone can see this! Why can't Torre?? As the bullpen is currently constructed, Bruney is no better than 6th on Torre's depth chart (behind Rivera...and the lowly likes of Vizcaino, Farnsworth, Proctor, and friggin' Mike Myers). If I could, I would knee Torre in the nuts -- he deserves nothing less.

Moving on...why the hell does Torre ALWAYS feel the need to pinch-run for Giambi in the later innings of games??? Especially, when the Yanks hold the lead!!! Giambi no longer plays 1st base, so it's not for defensive purposes. This move almost always comes back to haunt the Yankees. Yet, Torre has yet to grasp this notion. In all seriousness, it seems like Torre has developed a severe case of Alzheimer's in the past 3 years. He's has become an idiot!!

Another the start of this season (for that matter, the past several seasons), Yankee starters have been dropping like flies. Yet, for some unknown reason...Torre has felt the need to pitch Andy Pettitte TWICE as a reliever already. TWICE!!! It's mid-April. With the exception of Wang (when healthy), Pettitte is the Yanks' second most reliable starter -- but, he's also getting up there is age. Why would you further risk injury?? I don't care that it was only 9 pitches (that he came in for on Sunday's game). If that was the case, then why the hell did you lift him after 6.1 innings (and only 100 pitches)? With the exception of Varitek's 4th inning HR, Pettitte had been mowing down the Sox!!

Last point of my rant (for the time being)...Melky Cabrera is absolutely lost at the plate this season. No if's, and's, or but's about it. Yet, Torre continues to play him EVERY SINGLE game. Wake up, Torre -- Kevin Thompson should be the Yanks' 4th OF right now. Melky deserves to be at AAA until he can figure out his swing. He looks terrible!!! Instead, Cabrera has 70 AB's thus far -- compared to Thompson's 8 AB's. Makes sense, right??? NO!!!!!

Hot Weather = Hot Broads = Good Times

Today's weather reminded me what it felt like to be 16 again. I drove around with my windows down (soon to be top down when I rejoin the jeep club), I had my music absolutely blaring....and everywhere I looked...there were scantily clad women just begging to be pounded by the sea with the sounds of crashing waves.

Ahhhh yes.....summer is here again. I don't know where any of you mutts grew up....but I was born and raised, and now live again, on a beach town. So when the weather is right, I am out on the beach....shirt off.....this Italian body covered in so much Hawaiian Tropic oil, that you'd think I was trying to set the world record for skin cancer in a day. I live for summer. To me, there is nothing in the world more relaxing than my feet on the sand, cold bud light can in hand (with coozy) and a cold metal horse shoe in my hand. I mean horse shoes might as well be an Olympic sport, because I'm gonna toss ring around your posies all friggin day long. And you'll know it too.

Ok, I got a little off track...but seriously...a cooler full of cold sun....buddies's like a taste of heaven. Guys can piss their bathing suits right on the beach, and nobody even gives a damn. Girls obviously make that sketchy walk to the ocean, where they proceed to pissy mcgillacuddy like weirdos....but I'd rather let the whole world know that I came here to pahhhh-tay.

So what does this blog mean? I have no friggin' idea. I sat outside in the sun all day....shirt off, in a pair of Stonehill College mesh shorts that fit as tight as a thong. I've set the base for my Italian God base tan, and you can all go to hell. I hope to see all of you losers on the beach with sun blisters, and I hope you all have a terrible time. Because I know I'll be 20 cold bud lights deep.....tossing a stupid amount of ringers, and talking to the most beautiful babies that life has to offer. Life is good.....welcome home summer.

Hold on, wait a goddamn minute. I was going to end this blog without talking about chicks? What am I putting from the rough? Summer means hot chicks wearing 67% less clothing than usual, which usually means I have a small bulge in my pants from sun up, to sun down. Man, I love the sight of a good looking girl in a bikini. It's like I can absolutely picture what she would look like if I were a sketch ball and went and undid the two strings that hold her unmentionables from the world's eyes. Even though she wants me to. She does....she really does. As long as you are 18 years of age and decently attractive....I promise you that I will give you all the time of day on the beach. Work that ass....and I'll look. But guess'll never know what I'm thinking behind these huge sunglasses....cuz that would land me in the state prison for a minimum sentence of 10 years. I wanna rock!!!!!!!!!!! Rock.............I want to rock............rock!

Smear feces on your faces....summer is here! You bunch of hammer hawks.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Chase Wright Doesn't Belong

First and foremost...the Yanks - Sox recent series. WHO CARES????? It's April 23rd! For the same reason Sox fans dismiss A-Rod's ridiculous April, alike Yankees fans dismiss a meaningless 3 game set in mid-April. 145 games remain!!! The Yankees have won 9 consecutive AL East titles -- why would this year be any different?? Is it because 60% of their staff is currently disabled?? Ohhhhh that didn't happen in 2005 (see Aaron Small, Shawn Chacon, and Sidney Ponson). I mean, seriously...did anyone expect the Yankees to win this past series -- and if so, did you see the slated matchups?? It was an obvious mismatch...if the Sox didn't take 2 of 3, it would have been an embarrassment over on Yawkey Way.

Anyways, Chien-Ming Wang (the second best pitcher in the AL) triumphantly returns tomorrow -- and immediately should provide the Yanks' rotation which some sort of semblance.

However, the real issue at hand that I wish to discuss is Chase Wright. It's not that I dislike his stuff (although, his stuff is sub-par)'s that I seriously question his fortitude. He has no balls!'re playing the Red Sox -- Manny & JD just tattooed you for 2 tape measuring shots...what are you going to do??? The answer is obvious...YOU DRILL A 2-SEAMER RIGHT IN BETWEEN MIKE LOWELL'S SHOULDERS!! Instead, you put the next pitch on a tee???'ve just given up back-to-back-to-back jack's against your hated rival -- you're one bad pitch away from making the record books (for all the worst reasons)...what are you going to do?? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY AGRESSIVE AND TO CONTINUE CHALLENGING HITTERS. You're f'n head has been on a constant swivel - you just gave up a 3-run lead in stunning fashion. Everyone in the stadium expected this next pitch to be up by Jason Varitek's ear wax. Quite frankly, I don't care if a riot ensued on the field...and the end result landed Derek Jeter and/or Alex Rodriguez on the DL -- these are the unwritten rules of the game. You're 24 years old -- you've played the game your entire life. Know the game! Grow a pair! Stick up for yourself! I'm still stunned...

Also...anyone that knows me knows that I definitely led the "fire Joe Torre" stigma last winter. He is no longer the right man for the job - it's painfully clear (as I'll eventually discuss after I get some shut eye).

One more thing...Dice-K is vastly overrated. And if you don't believe me, then you're sporting blinders. With the exception of the 2006 version of Josh Beckett, I have NEVER watched a pitcher leave more balls up in the zone than Dice-K.

And, yes...I know I earlier mentioned that this past series meant next-to-nothing. However, I must admit...I'm still steamed and highly irritable this afternoon. The only thing that is getting me through the day is knowing that I went for the hat trick (in terms of chicks) this past weekend in Sin City...

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

Although he takes a stupid amount of crap, Kevin Federline might have the best gig fact, I'd go as far as to say that he's my role model. All this guy does is travel around the country, partying until the sun comes out or the coke runs out, or the Cristal is gone....all at the expense of his train wreck disgusting wife. Normally it's the women that get to live like gods after they split from their husbands because they're greedy douchebags...but now, it's our turn to see a guy piss away his wife's hard earned loot. He's probably at the top floor of the Palms Casino right now engaging in sex acts with numerous girls that I'd cut off my pinky finger and big toe just to caress their lower back. They could be engaging in skat for all I know. They're definitely gettin' weird up there....I know that.

If there are any rich women out there on the verge of an emotional break down....please call me. I have no problem using you for your money, so that me and my friends can live the "Entourage" lifestyle. No seriously, call me....I love you.

Currently 3-0....Another Easy Lock of the Day

The Cleveland Indians are +108 against the Twins in Minnesota today. The only thing you need to know is that Carlos Silva is pitching against the Indians....and he is the most terrible pitcher I've ever seen. I can't even imagine how many runs the Indians are going to score. Hafner and Sizemore will dominate this lefty hitter vs. righty pitcher matchup. Carlos Silva is that bad. He should be sticking his fat greasy head in boiling french fry grease while some other boob hands me my quarter pounder con queso.

Back, to back, to back??!?!?!?!

As I looked at my Bud Light right in the eye last night, I felt really good about the sox. Sure, they might have given up a few runs early....but, I really didn't give a care. I had ice cold Bud could say I'm currently touring the South Shore. I'm just trying to live a Montley Crue type lifestyle, minus the excessive amounts of class A substances.

Imagine my excitement after seeing Manny, Drew, Lowell, and 'Tek all crank home runs last night. We're not talking little gay home runs either, every single one of those home runs were absolutely cranked. I think a few even fell onto Lansdowne Street, where I've been given the horse collar by numerous bouncers at numerous establishments.

Back-to-back, to-back, to-back????? Dude, if you are Chase Wright, you might as well kill yourself today. That was embarrassing. You just gave up 4 home runs in a row you friggin' stiff. A-Rod was pouting at third base with his pink lips. What the Christ is the matter with A-Rod? Can anyone tell me why it looks like he's wearing lipstick? Even on the Fox games over the weekend....when they show his player card....his lips are bright's weird. If you wanna be a drag queen...hop on a ferry to Provincetown and go slap balls with the rest of them. But if you want to be a ball player....leave your fire engine red lip gloss at walking void.

A sweep in April is just as good as a sweep in September. A win is a win.

Did I mention the Red Sox hit 4 home runs in a row? Hey Chieftain.....your team sucks, buddy. Go back to the Bronx with all the rest of the smelly New York trash.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

How Sweep It Is

Are you ready Yankees? You're gettin friggin swept today. Dice-K is gonna be liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiights out. And, thus, I am making him my lock of the day.

It's gyro ball time!!!!!!!!