Friday, October 19, 2007

This Sh*t Has Got To Stop.

If you ever wanted more evidence that corporate America is sticking its collective finger in the ass of our national pastime, you need only watch the ALCS on Fox. Condolences everyone, the white-haired, suit-wearing, country club constituency has taken over. Please be sure to wear pleated gap khakis and a polo shirt to every game.

I pity the American youth; kids who grow up idolizing our big league phenoms, but who can't even watch the games because they run until 1 in the morning. And why? So TV execs can make some more money. It's all about market share and advertising revenue. These dickheads could give a f*ck less if little leaguers can't watch their heroes, because they stand to make an extra buck by starting the game at 8pm, or 9pm, or 10pm. It's ridiculous.

What's wrong with starting the game at 6:30? You get out of work at 5, and unless you have the worst f*cking commute on earth, you can still make it home or to a bar by 6:30. Hell, you could even watch the game with your kid, what a novel f*cking idea!

Start times aside, look at the content those corporate assholes are cramming down our throat. Count how many ads for erectile dysfunction you have to watch during the course of a game. Seriously, count them. It's almost every ad break. And why are they putting these on? Target marketing. They know their audience: it's old rich men who can afford to blow money on pills so they can get hard. Sickening.

I can't imagine being a parent and having to explain to a kid why in the name of god's green earth someone might suffer from a 4 hour erection. These ads for Cialis and Levitra are simply disgusting: they feature these old f*cks sitting in swing-chairs on porches, stroking one another's cheek lovingly and staring into each other's eyes with a look that says, "when these pills kick in, I'm gonna f*ck you." Is that really an image I need during a baseball game? Old people f*cking?

And in case these gross, wrinkly, pill poppers are worried about having a heart attack while humping their brains out, they have Lipitor being pushed their way by some creepy alien named Dr. Robert Jarvik. This is what our national sport is pushing in between the 5th and 6th inning at 11 o'clock at night: lower your cholesterol, get a hard on, and diversify your portfolio. What in the sweet name of Jesus H. Christ does this have to do with baseball? Or ANY sports? For the love of all that is good and sacred, sell me some f*cking Gatorade!!

The message being sent is simple: F*ck the fans. We're more interested in selling product X and we've identified a market segment that is more important than your love for the game. Want proof that they don't give two sh*ts about real baseball fans? I give you Fox's coverage. To say it is horrible doesn't even come close. It is horrendous, appalling, deplorable, sickening, and an affront to all humanity. Anyone who knows anything about baseball can't even watch it because its so incredibly dumbed-down. Their correspondents are either offensively annoying or yawningly bland, their play-by-play makes me want to pull a f*cking double Van Gogh, and the pre-game show is so god awful that I'll have virtually any other channel on up until the first pitch. It's total bullsh*t.

So f*ck Fox, f*ck market segments, f*ck Tim McCarver, f*ck Cialus, f*ck these stuffed-shirt, overweight, pleated gap khaki-wearing, ED having, white bread, brainless, executive f*cks, and just give me back baseball. The sport. The game kids play and love and watch on TV... not this perverse money-making machine.

Term of the Week

Granny Dumping

A big shout out to Chuck Palahnuik on this one. If you haven't read Choke yet, do yourself a favor and pick it up. Whatever sick sh*t is going on in your mind, it won't even compare to what Chuck is dealing with upstairs.

Granny Dumping is a concept that Chuck turned me onto. There are people who get sick of dealing with their relatives when they are old, senile, crazy, stinking of death, and can't even remember who the f*ck they are anymore.

So what do they do? They take them for a ride. They bundle up Grandma, put her in the car, drive her out to the middle of f*ck ass nowhere, and then leave her there with no identification and no way to get home. Hell, she doesn't know who she is, let alone where she lives.

Eventually she'll get picked up and turned into the authorities, and then put in a care home. Or wander for days and die. Either way, she's no longer an anchor on anyone's life.

Kenny Lofton Must Smoke Crack.

It’s the only possible explanation for his shenanigans last night. Lets see Beckett is 6-5 222 lbs. and Lofton is 5-11 and 180 lbs. soaking wet. Not to mention Kenny is old enough to be Beckett's grandfather. So the fact that Lofton would charge Beckett like he was going to throw his little fists of fury around means he’s either delusional or hitting the pipe. Not only that but what’s been up with Lofton's jerk-off behavior the entire series? In particular during the Dice-K start when he took about five minutes to get into the batter’s box every at bat. Or when he came out for a curtain call in game 3 when he hit the home run in like the third inning or some shit. Relax your body Kenny. It was in the early innings of a game three…still a lot of baseball to be played.

Usually you acquire veterans on your team to bring leadership and experience to a club you expect to go deep into the post-season. Typically, they keep their mouth shut, let their play do the talking and lead by example. Pretty much exemplify the “act like you been there” mentality. In other words NOT pull some hot-headed douchebag crap like Lofton did. Either way the Indians are f*cked. Friendly Fenway is going to be a shit storm this weekend. So here’s to the Sox in 7!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Have A New Love.....

And her name is Gabriela Quintero of Rodrigo y Gabriela. I saw this duo last night and was absolutely blown away. They rocked the party. It might have been the most impressive display of guitar talent I’ve ever seen. If you watched the video already you know what I’m talking about, if you haven’t yet stop reading and watch before going on. The only thing bad about this band is when you try to recommend them to other people you’re force to say ‘y’ instead of ‘and’, and in doing so sound like a complete holier than thou douchebag that has to use the Spanish pronunciation. My advice, don’t be that guy.

This might just be me but in my opinion a chick that can absolutely shred on guitar is so friggin sexy that it gives me a boner. Not just any boner though, one of the ones that stays around for way too long and if you want to walk around without being a pervert you have to try to tuck it into the waistband of your boxers. You all know what I’m talking about. Anyways this chick IS super sexy. She addressed the crowd a few times last night and had a raspy-broken English sexiness going on that made me holler ‘No Mas!” because I was getting over stimulated. Not only that but if you forward that video to the 3 minute mark and check out the crazy wrist action she has going on it might just restore your faith in the fact that there is a lady out there that can still give a hand-job worth a damn!


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

You Be The Judge...

As a follow up to SlowStuff's previous post I wanted to throw a question out to readers. Personally I love Ben Affleck. The dude has pretty much no talent and some how weaseled his way into Hollywood and poked some of the hottest tail around (in their prime mind you!) and basically acted as a man-whore for the past 5-7 years. I know.... every dudes dream.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that there isn't an abundance of great scenes from Affleck floating around. Yes, he had some great ones in Dazed and Confused but, in my opinion, not the same caliber of Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting. He peaked too early...but I'm sure a few of us a familiar with that. So my question is which scene is better....Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting?


With the weekend creeping towards us, some of us may need a little pep talk, to fire us up a little. This clip should fire you up and get you through the work week!!!! Remember, NO PIKERS!!!!!!

Memories... of the way things were.

Remember the good old days? As in last Friday, when the Sox wiped the urinal gutters of Fenway with the Cleveland Indians? Man, those were the days! Just thinking back to that drunken victory makes me ask... was it really only 5 days ago?! WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED?!?! This clip shows what we were supposed to see: Gagne doing mop up duty after Manny, Papi, and The Puerto Rican George Clooney (aka. Mike Lowell) destroy Cleveland's aces.

And what did we get instead? For the last 2 games the Sox have consistently hit into double plays with runners in scoring position, failed to score against Cleveland's mediocre 3rd and 4th pitchers (how great did Westbrook and Byrd look because of us?), and allowed Cleveland's bats to make our bullpen look like a bunch of hacks.

The Sox get a solid F for games 3 and 4. Fail. Terrible. Stop playing because it hurts me to watch you suck this much.

Think about how great you felt on Friday. Now think about how terrible you feel this morning. For serious, what happened?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Finger Bombs

There has got to be a way that this guy can translate this into getting some chicks, just based on dexterity. If he can do this, he must be able to handle dual finger bombs in a three-way. Just thinking outside the box. Or inside the box. If only we could get them to overlook the inherent geekiness of rubics cubes... I feel the same way about guys who are sick with yo-yo's. It's like, "You've just shown me something that is supercool, but somehow exempts you from ever getting laid."

In other news, I woke up this morning and poured orange juice on my cereal. I'm pretty sure that disqualifies me from ever being able to do something this coordinated.


Not going to happen, I know!! I have been waiting for this one fellas. Sure all you geeks out there watching Heroes week nights on NBC know about her, and I'm sure you know she recently turned 18. Just because she is of a legal age doesn't make you or I any less of a perv'.

Do I feel any better about myself now that she is 18??? Not really sure!

One thing I know for sure is Hayden Panettiere is one the cutest chicks on TV. Besides, don't pass her up just because she may be younger than your little sister. Hayden is and will be one of the hottest chick in Hollywood someday.

She's a hottie with a smokin' little body and a classic beautiful face! Do yourself a favor and take a quick break from Monday Night Football and check out Hayden Mondays at 9p.m. on NBC.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sophie Howard and Science

Dear readers of TheWinColumn, please meet the future Mrs. Cornstarr...

But more importantly, according to the London News men should ejaculate more. Yup. You heard right. This was an actual scientific study.

To help in this endeavor, I give you all Sophie Howard. When it comes to motivation, she's like the Tony Robbins of getting guys to fire off a couple of knuckle-children. If the scientists doing this study had allowed access to her pics it would have skewed all the data because the men participating would have been jerking off like a bunch of spider-monkeys on methamphetamines.

Boston College Sucks And So Do All The Smug Pricks That Go There

I found this picture on and thought it pretty much was the most accurate portrayal of Boston College around. Evidently the story goes these BC fans saw Rudy in a BK and asked to take a picture with him and at the last second the pickle in the middle turned around to show off his very...VERY...witty shirt. Well done my friend, way to outsmart a middle aged dude that didn't even want to be talking with you smug pricks in the first place. BC 'superfans' don't visit cities they infest them.

Lets get something straight here (cough) superfans. Notre Dame is a pillar in the college football community. Always has been and always will be. Boston College sucks. Matt Ryan is arguably the weakest Heismann candidate in the history of the award. The Eagles might be the most over-hyped team in the country. And guess're number 3 in the country and still nobody cares.

Although I'm not that surprised that a bunch of BC students didn't show any type of respect for a guy that had to fight for everything he ever got and basically got the crap kicked out of him on a daily basis just to play (on the practice squad!)for the Irish. That must be a real stretch for a BC student to relate to. Its called tradition. Other than a lucky pass by Doug Flutie what is BC known for? Something tells me we're not going to see any of those types of stories come out of Chestnut Hill any time soon. Just a thought.

So stay classy Boston College. Enjoy your current success. In 10 years you'll be back in the college football blackhole and nobody will give a shit about you. But hey, take solace in the fact that you'll still have a bunch of sissys on campus. You and Meterperel are a match made in heaven.