Someone Get My Girl a Happy Meal

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna....what the hell are you doing to yourself? We had such a good thing going. You looked like a healthy young woman....with those luscious cans....sweetheart, you had me at "Press Play." But now, you've really pissed me off. You're starving yourself due to a bitter divorce you're having....and you are withering away to nothing. Forgive me if I am wrong...but you've actually had your enormous silicone tasty treats removed....for smaller ones? huh? Did someone just slip me a mickey? I feel like I just blacked out for 3 years and woke up. You are a.......PORN STAR!!!!! Nobody wants you to be the next Nicole Richie....we want you to be healthy, meaty, and preserve those ta-ta's. Jenna, you're one of God's gifts to this great earth...you're hot, and you have no problem that millions of degenerate losers crank off to the very sight of you. You turn young boys who have no idea how to even use their manhood, into middle school jack hammers. You're everything that is right about capitalism. In fact, I think I love you.

So please, from the bottom of my heart....I'm begging you to eat a Happy Meal...or at least some crab rangoons or a buffy chicken pizza. I'd even introduce you to my mother so she can cook you some man sized manicottis. I can't bear to watch the woman I adore become another one of E's True Hollywood stories.

Manga.