Wayne Rooney is a Legitimate Animal

I know most of the people reading this won't agree with a post talking about soccer, but hear me out. English forward Wayne Rooney might just be the guy to reverse your opinion about the sport and its players. Granted, there is a lot of pu$$y diving in the game, and I agree that it is a trend that needs to change. Rooney is one of the top notch players in the game that doesn't fall into the diving trend. He is an absolute beast, and by that I mean he owns the most red cards in international play for things like kicking people in the groin, literally beating the hell out of people on the field and spitting at referees. Not only that, he was suspended for 3 games by the English league last year for head-butting and beating the piss out of a player on his rival team at a restaurant before one of their matches. To add to his absolutely crazier than a $hithouse rat mentality, he is the youngest player in history to play for the English national team and the youngest to score in a European championship. To add to his mystique, he comes from a very humble background with his dad being a dock laborer and his mom is a school food service employee. He is exactly the type of blue-collar, hard nose athlete that Boston, of all places, would embrace if they would only give the sport a chance.

It's Never Iffy, If It's Griffey

It's going to be a slow blog day for me, due to the fact that I have to go to work today like the rest of you mallets. But I'm up an at em' early...gonna get in a nice back workout for the ladies...then get these hands dirty landscaping God's green earth. Life is good. Kill me.

There were three baseball players I idolized growing up.

1) Mo Vaughn

2) Mike "The Gator" Greenwell

3) Ken Griffey Jr.

Now since the first two passed on to retirement long ago, I find it fitting to congratulate Mr. Griffey Jr. for his accomplishment last night. Ken Griffey Jr. hit career homer No. 564 on Tuesday, moving him past Reggie Jackson for 10th place on the all-time list.
Griffey's first homer came in his 54th at-bat of the season. He is now five homers behind Rafael Palmeiro and nine back of Harmon Killebrew on the career list.

Good for you, Ken. It's really a shame that you're such a pu$$y and get hurt all the time....because we'd be seeing a classy, modest baseball player shatter Hank Aaron's home run record, and instead we have to watch Mr. Roid Head crank out home runs left and right this summer as he takes the greatest record in all of sports. This infuriates me. Griffey's swing is magic. He's a role model to kids, but because he didn't hit the sauce....he had 56 untimely injuries, and thus, will not be able to take a shot at the record.

Just stating facts here, ladies and gentlemen. I can't always be talking about toddlers, overweight women, and how I didn't get laid last night.

Juanita Jordan Gets Her Groove Back

As a follow-up to the earlier post about MJ blowing backs out while on Spring Break in Cabo...it's only appropriate to make note of Juanita Jordan's, 47, latest conquest.

According to Media Takeout, Jordan's ex is now linked to a 29-year-old investment banker. When her divorce to MJ is finalized in the coming months, it is presumed that Juanita will take home close to $200 million (the 4th most expensive divorce settlement in history).

My question is...why the hell did Jordan ever get hitched in the first place?? Not only is Juanita (whom I'm sure is a great woman) beat, but c'mon...Jordan has gotten down with thousands of blondes in the last 20+ years. He's the greatest athlete of all-time! His image is flawless (the media has protected Jordan more so than any other individual in history -- look no further than why he left to play baseball...it was either that or get kicked out of the NBA because of his wild and degenerate gambling sprees -- yet, not so much of a peep was/is made about this issue). Imagine this happening now -- it would never happen! I mean, sh*t, Reggie Bush -- quite possibly the most celebrated collegiate football player of our generation -- couldn't even keep the media quiet about pocketing a quick mill (or so)...and this is a commonplace matter with nearly all D-I athletes.

Anyways...despite how they may (or may not) look, Juanita Jordan is now not too far behind Jennifer Steinbrenner (whom I'd drop down on one knee for) as most desirable "hags" in my book. $200 million and/or future owner of the Yankees...sign me up! Either way, I'd win -- and you'd lose!

The Eye of The Tiger

Quick thought of the night....

When I hear this Survivor song, I feel like punching myself in the face 50 times just to prove the theory of "no pain, no gain." Is there seriously a better song to get pumped up to? I can't seem to think of one. I'd do push-ups in piles of horse $hit to this song, and enjoy it. Hell, I'd even smear the horse crap on my face to show you all that I meant business. Maybe I'd eat it too.....you friggin' losers. I hope you don't think I like any of you. You're all meaningless, degenerate bastards.

I hope you all have miserable days. By the way, I'm 5-0 on my locks of the day, and Chieftain can eat my a$$ with his baseball knowledge. Hop on the bandwagon, Chieftain....you're team is in shambles!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody Wang Chung'd tonight in Tampa. The entire Devil Rays team is currently getting steamers from the Buccaneers cheerleaders....and they're all probably hung like horses too. Carl Crawford and Rocco Baldelli are practicing for the double penetration Olympics. F all of you.

Hallelujah!!!

The Boston Herald is reporting that Sebastian Telfair has been kicked to the curb by Wyc Grousbeck and the Boston Celtics. Thank God!

The former #13 overall pick (in the 2004 Draft), whom signed a $20 million endorsement deal with Adidas upon graduating from high school, is absolutely terrible -- he's a midget on the court, he doesn't have an ounce of muscle, makes terrible decisions on-and-off the court, can't shoot, can't play defense, can't penetrate, and doesn't demonstrate any passion. The only good thing about him is that his wife is a complete smoke-show.

According to the Boston Herald, Sebastian Telfair "apparently has played his last game as a Celtic." The team has removed his name plate from the locker room Tuesday, with co-owner Wyc Grousbeck saying, "He does not have a Celtics locker and we do not anticipate that he will." Telfair was arrested last Friday and charged with felony gun possession. If the Celtics are unable to trade him, the newspaper suggests that the team could buy out the final year of Telfair's contract, which will pay him $2.6 million.

Looking to go 5-0 on my Locks of the Day

A good win by the Indians last night to bail me out. Much thanks to "Pronk" and the boys for getting the W in extra innings. A lot of people aren't going to like my lock of the day today....but I am going with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays at +155 to get another W against the struggling Yankees tonight. Wang is on the hill for the Yankees in his season debut....I have to think his control will be off, and he'll miss some spots....plus, he'll be on a limited pitch count in his debut. Crawford, Baldelli, and Delmon Young will have a field day when Wang makes a mistake. Sure, the Yankees could hit Kazmir as well....but he's a stud....and studs get it done when it counts.

Go Devil Rays!

American Idol or American Sumo Wrestler?

Holy crap, I don't know where to even begin. I think I could write about this fat tub of lard for 4 days, all without feeling any sort of sensation in my pants (like a normal Friday night). What the hell happened to Kelly Clarkson? She used to be kind of decent looking....I mean, I never cranked off to her or anything...but I always figured I'd probably bang her if I was looking to club a baby seal over the head at last call to bring home. These pictures make me want to puke....literally. What the hell is going on with with this girl on vacation? Usually if you're going to go somewhere warm, where bikini's come into play...maybe she would think to lay off the Twinkies, Devil Dogs, and bacon grease fat. She should have just drank water for a month. That's hideous. I haven't seen a torso that brutal since my college graduation day in 2003, when I awoke out of a blacked out coma and looked in the mirror at the disgusting human I had become due to drinking 200 Bud Lights a week, and about 40 dollars worth of Wendy's on all those packy runs.

Now, the second picture just frightens me. I don't even think the hot dog eating champion Kobayashi could stuff a Fenway Frank down his throat like this pig is doing. Is she getting timed to see how fat she can get in 30 seconds? That thing is loaded with condiments and extras. She probably had them sprinkle chocolate jimmies on the goddamn thing so that she could get a little extra boost from the sugar. Normally I'd make a joke about how she'd probably eat a guys hog like it was the last supper....but the thought of letting this swine anywhere near my pecker makes me uncomfortable....damn, you don't hear that often.

Kelly....you're disgusting. If America could vote again, they'd tell you to pick up an eating disorder and get back to health. It's time you go to fat camp with Ruben Studdard and both of you whales realize that it's better to have everything in moderation.

MJ Does "The Kobe Dance"

While in Cabo a few weeks back...Michael Jordan, once again, proved just how unstoppable he is against a double team.

My favorite part of this picture...is that MJ is grabbing the ceiling for stability. Whom thinks MJ went "Bill Clinton" with that cigar later on in the night??

Just Friends, Right??

The above photos are of Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood, while "hanging out" to celebrate Romo's 27th birthday.

I really have nothing to say about this, except that Romo is obviously over-achieving...and "getting it done" in the process. He seems to have gotten over the botched extra-point just fine.

At what point next season...do we see them, once again, playing grab-ass during warm-ups??

Joe Torre Has Lost It

As I promised yesterday, I would further explain why Joe Torre is no longer the right man for the job in NY. And, no...I'm not overexaggerating because of the Yanks' recent skid. Last October, I was positive that Mr. George Steinbrenner III was going to lower the hammer on Torre -- after he displayed one of the worst managerial jobs in recent memory against the Tigers, the heavy underdog in the series. Sh*t...how do you explain benching Jason Giambi in the playoffs?? Only to follow this dumbfounding decision up by benching Gary Sheffield vs. Kenny Rogers. I don't care if Sheffield wasn't 100%. It's Gary Sheffield, for Christ's sake...his bat wiggle is enough, in-and-of itself, to make "The Gambler" sh*t himself on the mound!! And, let's not forget the fact that Torre batted A-Rod 8th in the deciding game. 8th!!! This is the same A-Rod which may very well be the greatest player in ever play the game, when it's all said and done.

Onto this season...there is no single manager whom is worse at managing a bullpen. Seriously, Torre is worse at managing a bullpen than Theo is at constructing one. Why? For starters, Brian Bruney is the Yankees' second best reliever. I can see this...everyone can see this! Why can't Torre?? As the bullpen is currently constructed, Bruney is no better than 6th on Torre's depth chart (behind Rivera...and the lowly likes of Vizcaino, Farnsworth, Proctor, and friggin' Mike Myers). If I could, I would knee Torre in the nuts -- he deserves nothing less.

Moving on...why the hell does Torre ALWAYS feel the need to pinch-run for Giambi in the later innings of games??? Especially, when the Yanks hold the lead!!! Giambi no longer plays 1st base, so it's not for defensive purposes. This move almost always comes back to haunt the Yankees. Yet, Torre has yet to grasp this notion. In all seriousness, it seems like Torre has developed a severe case of Alzheimer's in the past 3 years. He's has become an idiot!!

Another thing...at the start of this season (for that matter, the past several seasons), Yankee starters have been dropping like flies. Yet, for some unknown reason...Torre has felt the need to pitch Andy Pettitte TWICE as a reliever already. TWICE!!! It's mid-April. With the exception of Wang (when healthy), Pettitte is the Yanks' second most reliable starter -- but, he's also getting up there is age. Why would you further risk injury?? I don't care that it was only 9 pitches (that he came in for on Sunday's game). If that was the case, then why the hell did you lift him after 6.1 innings (and only 100 pitches)? With the exception of Varitek's 4th inning HR, Pettitte had been mowing down the Sox!!

Last point of my rant (for the time being)...Melky Cabrera is absolutely lost at the plate this season. No if's, and's, or but's about it. Yet, Torre continues to play him EVERY SINGLE game. Wake up, Torre -- Kevin Thompson should be the Yanks' 4th OF right now. Melky deserves to be at AAA until he can figure out his swing. He looks terrible!!! Instead, Cabrera has 70 AB's thus far -- compared to Thompson's 8 AB's. Makes sense, right??? NO!!!!!

Hot Weather = Hot Broads = Good Times

Today's weather reminded me what it felt like to be 16 again. I drove around with my windows down (soon to be top down when I rejoin the jeep club), I had my music absolutely blaring....and everywhere I looked...there were scantily clad women just begging to be pounded by the sea with the sounds of crashing waves.

Ahhhh yes.....summer is here again. I don't know where any of you mutts grew up....but I was born and raised, and now live again, on a beach town. So when the weather is right, I am out on the beach....shirt off.....this Italian body covered in so much Hawaiian Tropic oil, that you'd think I was trying to set the world record for skin cancer in a day. I live for summer. To me, there is nothing in the world more relaxing than my feet on the sand, cold bud light can in hand (with coozy) and a cold metal horse shoe in my hand. I mean horse shoes might as well be an Olympic sport, because I'm gonna toss ring around your posies all friggin day long. And you'll know it too.

Ok, I got a little off track...but seriously...a cooler full of cold beer....hot sun....buddies everywhere....it's like a taste of heaven. Guys can piss their bathing suits right on the beach, and nobody even gives a damn. Girls obviously make that sketchy walk to the ocean, where they proceed to pissy mcgillacuddy like weirdos....but I'd rather let the whole world know that I came here to pahhhh-tay.

So what does this blog mean? I have no friggin' idea. I sat outside in the sun all day....shirt off, in a pair of Stonehill College mesh shorts that fit as tight as a thong. I've set the base for my Italian God base tan, and you can all go to hell. I hope to see all of you losers on the beach with sun blisters, and I hope you all have a terrible time. Because I know I'll be 20 cold bud lights deep.....tossing a stupid amount of ringers, and talking to the most beautiful babies that life has to offer. Life is good.....welcome home summer.

Hold on, wait a goddamn minute. I was going to end this blog without talking about chicks? What am I putting from the rough? Summer means hot chicks wearing 67% less clothing than usual, which usually means I have a small bulge in my pants from sun up, to sun down. Man, I love the sight of a good looking girl in a bikini. It's like I can absolutely picture what she would look like if I were a sketch ball and went and undid the two strings that hold her unmentionables from the world's eyes. Even though she wants me to. She does....she really does. As long as you are 18 years of age and decently attractive....I promise you that I will give you all the time of day on the beach. Work that ass....and I'll look. But guess what....you'll never know what I'm thinking behind these huge sunglasses....cuz that would land me in the state prison for a minimum sentence of 10 years. I wanna rock!!!!!!!!!!! Rock.............I want to rock............rock!

Smear feces on your faces....summer is here! You bunch of hammer hawks.

Chase Wright Doesn't Belong

First and foremost...the Yanks - Sox recent series. WHO CARES????? It's April 23rd! For the same reason Sox fans dismiss A-Rod's ridiculous April, alike Yankees fans dismiss a meaningless 3 game set in mid-April. 145 games remain!!! The Yankees have won 9 consecutive AL East titles -- why would this year be any different?? Is it because 60% of their staff is currently disabled?? Ohhhhh right...like that didn't happen in 2005 (see Aaron Small, Shawn Chacon, and Sidney Ponson). I mean, seriously...did anyone expect the Yankees to win this past series -- and if so, did you see the slated matchups?? It was an obvious mismatch...if the Sox didn't take 2 of 3, it would have been an embarrassment over on Yawkey Way.

Anyways, Chien-Ming Wang (the second best pitcher in the AL) triumphantly returns tomorrow -- and immediately should provide the Yanks' rotation which some sort of semblance.

However, the real issue at hand that I wish to discuss is Chase Wright. It's not that I dislike his stuff (although, his stuff is sub-par)...it's that I seriously question his fortitude. He has no balls! Chase...you're playing the Red Sox -- Manny & JD just tattooed you for 2 tape measuring shots...what are you going to do??? The answer is obvious...YOU DRILL A 2-SEAMER RIGHT IN BETWEEN MIKE LOWELL'S SHOULDERS!! Instead, you put the next pitch on a tee??? Chase...you've just given up back-to-back-to-back jack's against your hated rival -- you're one bad pitch away from making the record books (for all the worst reasons)...what are you going to do?? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU WANTED TO STAY AGRESSIVE AND TO CONTINUE CHALLENGING HITTERS. You're f'n head has been on a constant swivel - you just gave up a 3-run lead in stunning fashion. Everyone in the stadium expected this next pitch to be up by Jason Varitek's ear wax. Quite frankly, I don't care if a riot ensued on the field...and the end result landed Derek Jeter and/or Alex Rodriguez on the DL -- these are the unwritten rules of the game. You're 24 years old -- you've played the game your entire life. Know the game! Grow a pair! Stick up for yourself! I'm still stunned...

Also...anyone that knows me knows that I definitely led the "fire Joe Torre" stigma last winter. He is no longer the right man for the job - it's painfully clear (as I'll eventually discuss after I get some shut eye).

One more thing...Dice-K is vastly overrated. And if you don't believe me, then you're sporting blinders. With the exception of the 2006 version of Josh Beckett, I have NEVER watched a pitcher leave more balls up in the zone than Dice-K.

And, yes...I know I earlier mentioned that this past series meant next-to-nothing. However, I must admit...I'm still steamed and highly irritable this afternoon. The only thing that is getting me through the day is knowing that I went for the hat trick (in terms of chicks) this past weekend in Sin City...

I Can Be Your Hero, Baby

Although he takes a stupid amount of crap, Kevin Federline might have the best gig going....in fact, I'd go as far as to say that he's my role model. All this guy does is travel around the country, partying until the sun comes out or the coke runs out, or the Cristal is gone....all at the expense of his train wreck disgusting wife. Normally it's the women that get to live like gods after they split from their husbands because they're greedy douchebags...but now, it's our turn to see a guy piss away his wife's hard earned loot. He's probably at the top floor of the Palms Casino right now engaging in sex acts with numerous girls that I'd cut off my pinky finger and big toe just to caress their lower back. They could be engaging in skat for all I know. They're definitely gettin' weird up there....I know that.

If there are any rich women out there on the verge of an emotional break down....please call me. I have no problem using you for your money, so that me and my friends can live the "Entourage" lifestyle. No seriously, call me....I love you.

Currently 3-0....Another Easy Lock of the Day

The Cleveland Indians are +108 against the Twins in Minnesota today. The only thing you need to know is that Carlos Silva is pitching against the Indians....and he is the most terrible pitcher I've ever seen. I can't even imagine how many runs the Indians are going to score. Hafner and Sizemore will dominate this lefty hitter vs. righty pitcher matchup. Carlos Silva is that bad. He should be sticking his fat greasy head in boiling french fry grease while some other boob hands me my quarter pounder con queso.

Back, to back, to back.....to back??!?!?!?!

As I looked at my Bud Light right in the eye last night, I felt really good about the sox. Sure, they might have given up a few runs early....but, I really didn't give a care. I had ice cold Bud Lights...you could say I'm currently touring the South Shore. I'm just trying to live a Montley Crue type lifestyle, minus the excessive amounts of class A substances.

Imagine my excitement after seeing Manny, Drew, Lowell, and 'Tek all crank home runs last night. We're not talking little gay home runs either, every single one of those home runs were absolutely cranked. I think a few even fell onto Lansdowne Street, where I've been given the horse collar by numerous bouncers at numerous establishments.

Back-to-back, to-back, to-back????? Dude, if you are Chase Wright, you might as well kill yourself today. That was embarrassing. You just gave up 4 home runs in a row you friggin' stiff. A-Rod was pouting at third base with his pink lips. What the Christ is the matter with A-Rod? Can anyone tell me why it looks like he's wearing lipstick? Even on the Fox games over the weekend....when they show his player card....his lips are bright red....it's weird. If you wanna be a drag queen...hop on a ferry to Provincetown and go slap balls with the rest of them. But if you want to be a ball player....leave your fire engine red lip gloss at home.....you walking void.

A sweep in April is just as good as a sweep in September. A win is a win.

Did I mention the Red Sox hit 4 home runs in a row? Hey Chieftain.....your team sucks, buddy. Go back to the Bronx with all the rest of the smelly New York trash.

How Sweep It Is

Are you ready Yankees? You're gettin friggin swept today. Dice-K is gonna be liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiights out. And, thus, I am making him my lock of the day.

It's gyro ball time!!!!!!!!

Fighting Puke This Lovely Morning

Alright, so maybe someone had to drive my car home from the concert last night....I don't really see any problem with this. One, I was loaded...so obviously I shouldn't be driving....and two, I just saw one of the greatest concerts I've ever seen in my life. Oh and three.....getting text messages from all you mutts with live updates and scores regarding the Sox beating the choke artist Yankees.....much love for that.

So rather than write a post about my concert, or the Sox/Yanks game....I'm just gonna go vomit excessively, then drive 13 seconds down the road in a cold sweat to get off on a mocha madness iced coffee from Honey Dew. Hopefully the girl serving me the coffee will be of legal age, and won't mind that today I feel like driving my car with no pants on.

Lock of the Day (1-0): Minnesota Twins (-125) at the KC Royals. Boof Bonser's a stud, get on the Boof Bandwagon, and ride it until you go limp.

Clickety, Clank, Clickety, Clank....Money goes in to Your Piggy Bank

Since I haven't placed a bet in well over 2 months....and the gambling Gods chirp in my ear on a daily basis for me to place a small wager, or a whacker....I've decided to provide the world with some insight on my sure thing "winner winner chicken dinner" of the day. I honestly hope some of you listen to my advice, bet a decent amount of money on it, and lose. But that's only because I'm a spiteful prick.

Cleveland Indians (-177) over the D Rays tonight in Tampa. C.C. Sabathia is pitching against Edwin Jackson tonight. That's all you really need to know. Jackson is horrible....I'm talkin I'd rather have Mohammed Ali on the mound doin' the hippy-hippy shake. The guy has an ERA over 8, and he only has 4 strikeouts in 2 starts. In fact, the Indians might score double digit runs tonight....their lineup is filthy. "Pronk" Hafner will go deep tonight...once in the ball game, and once again at at night club on the Tampa strip.

Take the Indians....it's a lock.

A Rivalry Renewed

Because I have Dave Matthews blaring loud enough to make my 91 year old neighbor keel over and die....I'd like to get re-focused on my favorite 19 games of the year -- whenever the Red Sox play those ankle grabbin' pooh jabbahs from the Boogie Down Bronx. I know AROD is having a ridiculous year....good for him. I'm sure Chieftain will bore us with stats and I love AROD propaganda....but Simply Suds is a man of the people....and those people think that AROD is still a lip gloss wearing, prancing nancy choke artist. Wow, AROD is having a great April....say that sentence again....it's F'n April. As in, the first 3 weeks of the season.....so, I really don't give a damn. When he's bootin' balls and throwin' up 0-fers in September/October....then we'll all breathe a sigh of relief as he smacks his lips in disgust at third base. I'd be willing to bet the only 3rd base he plays is with Melky Cabrera....they both look like they'd get weird with each other.

So tonight, it's Big Schill vs. Andy Pettitte. Call me crazy, but Pettitte's stuff just doesn't impress me. I know the Red Sox traditionally have trouble with decent lefty pitching....but, I have to think in the atmosphere around the park tonight, the Sox smack Pettitte around early and often. No way Schilling lets the boys down tonight. Plus, we have to remember that Manny is about to go on one of his tears and even out his numbers for April.....I bet he can't wait for that 88 MPH inside fastball that he's going to crush all the way to Tequila Rain. Get it done tonight fellas, and set the tone for the weekend. We have our 3 studs pitching, while the Yankees "studs" are at home nursing their vag's back to good health. Yankees suck.

Paid for by the committee to elect Alex Cora as the Boston Red Sox every day 2nd baseman.

11 Hours Until I Scream Like a High School Girl

This is a monumental day for me. Granted, I've been to about 25 Dave Matthews Band concerts, ingested an unbelievable amount of drugs at a few shows, and probably drank about 671 beers and 100% blacked out at about 6 or 7 shows....but, that all changes tonight. I'm staying completely sober, as I sit with goo-goo eyes, 15 rows from Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds acoustic at the Wang Theater. Did you just friggin' hear me? Maybe if you wiped the 6 pounds of wax out of your gross ears, you'd better understand what I just said. Acoustic. Acoustic. Acoustic in an intimate setting of a 3,000 seat theater. All I want to do is caress the face of a 19 year old female college student and listen to unreal jams. I don't really give a damn if you people don't like Dave Matthews....and honestly, I could care less about any of you. Today is all about me. I'm having a selfish day. You're not ok with that? I hope you get the stomach flu and crap and puke at the same time....because you're a miserable human.

It's me and you tonight, Dave.....I'm starting to think that I will be enjoying some of God's fine green that was put on this earth to listen to acoustic concerts. I just want to apologize for the amount of times I scream the names of various songs to you, as you tune your guitar. And would it kill some young attractive female to just walk up to me and tounge the hell out of me tonight? Once you go Simply Suds you never go back. Oh wait, it's...Once you go Simply Suds, you'll never come back....because your bed is soaked and you probably kicked me out. Yah, that's the one.

Mr. Matthews and Mr. Reynolds, toca la guitarra. God I wish I still did drugs.

Harness the Good, Block the Bad

I'm a firm believer in the game of baseball....America's pastime. There is a certain decor that the game is played with...that I just love. Some of the same principles of 1900 are applied to today's game...and I love the way that teammates are still willing to protect each other with "unwritten" rules of the game.

Can we rewind to Thursday's dramatic win over the Blue Jays? Sure, I wasn't working and I was watching the game at 3 pm.....eat crap, pal. But seriously...what happened in the 8th and 9th innings was some of the most exciting Red Sox baseball that I've seen in almost a year....or, at least since Big Papi owned Faustano Carmona and the Indians at Fenway last summer.

Very quickly, I'd like to mention the mammoth shot that Manny hit to tie the game. I mean....what an unbelievable clutch hit...and it was about time. Manny was due...Manny saw the ball...Manny hit the ball....and he'll do it 40 more times just like that.

Now....lets move on...'cuz there is something very important here. With 1 out and runners on 1st and 3rd...a ground ball to Timlin....he throws to Cora at second, who turns the game-changing double play. Unreal play. Cora was perfect. But you know what...what happens during this play still makes me want to fight the next teenager to drive down my street with his base box blaring. Lyle Overbay is clearly going to be out at 2nd...but what does he do? A classy ballplayer follows the rules and gets out of the way....but Lyle decides it would be ok to just run 5 feet out of the basepath and try and take out Alex Cora's knee. Like, real hard. He tried to ruin Cora's career with one homosexual slide. It was malicious, it was disgusting, and I think that if I were Alex Cora, I would have beaten the absolute cock snot out of Lyle Overbay. It's a complete horse$hit play, from a bush league player. What goes around comes around Lyle. Your name is friggin; weak, too, pal. Go compose a country song and stuff a sock in your drawers to make up for your 4 incher.

Cora was visibly heated....thus, he had to be calmed down by Terry Francona prior to his next at bat. But with Lugo (pinch running) on first....Cora channeled his anger and determination and absolutely drilled a triple to left center. Upon his arrival at 3rd base, he still had to be calmed down by DeMarco Hale. Cora was still furious at Overbay, and it is soooooooo justfied. Dirty plays like that, have no place in a game like Baseball.

Hey Alex....if I wasn't blacked out right now...I'd cheers to you buddy. But right now, I'm fighting the puke monster, and he's winning......big time. But I'll tell you what...you showed me a lot today. I really felt your pain on that bush league slide, because I consider myself a pretty decently knowledgable fan of the game. You overcame that, and you got the Sox a ridiculously important win....and everyone saw what you did. You're a hero today...and I hope you get a spot in the starting lineup this weekend against the New York Queers. I respect you a whole hell of a lot. I hope you got laid tonight....and I hope you popped 6 Viagra and got it done in Toronto until the glow sticks went out.

Eat Your Hat or Your Friggin Hippy Albums

Dude, if there is one thing that this blog needs to realize...it's that Simply Suds does not lie. Those of you that know me....go to my myspace page and look at the girls that left comments about being at my house 2 nights ago.....oh, and guess what faggots....tonight too....in fact....they are still here. Why am I typing this when there is absolute smoke shows upstairs????? 'Cuz I can, you worthless pieces of crap. There's a new Sheriff in town. And "Diesel".....like I said....look that up on myspace. And then for the world and all the hippies that haven't washed their grundle since Phish stopped touring......suck my balls.....Mr. Garrison.

You lose. Simply Suds wins.

It's not my fault these girls are this hot......it's just not. Sucka.

I'm Calling Foul

I think I speak on behalf of The Win Column readers when I call foul on the previous post referring to Drinko. Don't get me wrong, I love playing drinking games with hot chicks. I just find it hard to believe that 'Simply Suds' was rolling with 10-12 hotties that may or may not have been in Maxim/Playboy. First of all, 10-12 smoking hot chicks partying on a Wednesday night only happens in two places.......porn and Brazil (see above). Secondly, I'm sure the "I can't believe I'm getting this drunk" line was thrown out there a few times, but I'm inclined to think it was said by this chick with their arms wrapped around the toilet seconds before she passed out at the bar. 'Simply Suds'...if this is a true story I'll eat my hat.

Slut of The Playground

Angelina Jolie reportedly said that she used to strip and make-out with boys in Kindergarten.

She said, "I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten. I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties. Then we would make out and we would take our clothes off. I got in a lot of trouble!"

Jolie continued to tell OK! Magazine that sex became boring as a young girl and she needed to take it to the next level.

She said, "I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn't feel enough. I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back. We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I'd cut myself. I have a lot of scars. It was an age when I felt adventurous and after a few beers things happened."

...ok, where do I start? First off, I really want to side with Jolie on this one (because of how incredibly gorgeous she is -- and those DSL's...oh, my good Lord - those DSL's) -- but, no matter how hard I try to twist her words...I can't. I'm quite sure that Angelina Jolie may be the freakiest female in America...in the sheets. However, unlike 'Simply Suds', there are certain things that I don't condone when it comes to getting laid. Consider getting slashed with a knife one of the them. Call me crazy!

...lastly, this is the same woman whom has, essentially, adopted children from every third world nation there is. Along with Brad Pitt, she has developed her own Hollywood orphanage. Something does not give -- Jolie's above quotes indicate just how screwed up of a childhood she endured, yet she now adopts toddlers at an exponential rate. How is Jolie going to cope when these kids become "kindergartners," themselves?? I can already see the E! True Hollywood Story...

I Love Attractive Young Females

I do, I really do. Last night, I had about 11 smoking hot young ladies in my kitchen. They were all from the next town over....which in my mind...makes them all even hotter. In case you all think I'm kidding....one of them supposedly modeled for Playboy....and another models for Maxim....so, you can all eat my ass. I'm talkin' top of the line here....and thus, the reason for my post.....and the reason I got soooooooooooooooooo drunk last night.

Drinko. Chicks love it, guys hate it.

Sure....maybe it seems a little gay....but let me assure you....the ladies love Drinko. I was getting text messages yesterday around noon from the lovely ladies that wanted to play. I mean, it's Plinko...minus the pervert Bob Barker....but add shots. Doesn't sound fun? What are you, a goddamn Nazi? Anne Frank would have given her left arm to play this game. I swear to the heavenly father above that girls cannot get enough of this game. "I can't believe I'm getting this drunk" was said about 100 times from the absolute most ridiculously hot girl I've ever seen in my life. Granted...she didn't, and would probably never, hook up with me.....but....she's still dope.....and in my estimation.....that's what life is all about. Welcome to Hawaii....C'mon, I wanna lay ya.