Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My Issue With Smug Toddlers

My first day of work has been rain delayed 2 hours to 10:30am EST due to inclimate weather, thus I am able to provide you losers with some more thoughts from my warped brain. So enjoy, piss ants.

Toddlers....what the hell is your problem? Seriously. And I'd just like to point out that I would love to have kids some day....maybe even three of the little bastards.....but why do infants have to be so damn smug? At first, they sleep, cry, and crap/piss. Although that might sound like a typical day in the life of some of the awful humans reading this blog....that's a pretty easy life. They don't even have to walk anywhere....or feed themselves. I think that's crap. I think toddlers should learn that the first rule of living in this polluted that there's no such thing as a free lunch. Hey want your binky? Give me 5 push ups and 5 up downs.'re hungy? Guess what....I'm not doing that stupid airplane with your gerber graduates into your mouth. Go outside and wrestle with some live animals for your dinner. And if you lose to the squirrel over by the oak tree.....guess who's sleeping in the driveway tonight. That's right poopy pants.

Then I'd like to focus my final example of "smugism" to the ripe ol' age we like to call "the terrible two's." You know the age....where everything you said is met with a nice dose of "NO!" Followed by kicking, screaming, and temper tantrums. I honestly have no idea how I will deal with this stage of my son or daughter's life.....unless they realize that when I grit my teeth, I usually mean business. It's like my eyes turn red like Scott Howard drawing a foul from Mick in Teen Wolf. You're two years old, you don't know a god damn thing.....and you're going to tell me no? 100 foot fires on the spot. And if you don't like that.....the next time you say no, we'll be running hills at the high school until the leaves change color.

It's time that parents take back their lives, and stop allowing kids to be so damn smug. The baby boomers did a pretty good job of raising a generation of tough pricks. Our kids are probably going to be as soft as grapes. Although I hope my son runs a 40 yard dash in under 4.6 and bench presses 225 for 25 reps.....or he's dead to me.

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