I'm Talkin' Boy Band A$$ Here

I'm so friggin' jealous of Nick Lachey it isn't even funny. I'd seriously become an amputee just to live the life that this guy has lived so far. First of all, he did headline a pretty gay boy band, but I'm sure there were screaming teenagers everywhere ready to watch him drop his drawers backstage for some hanky panky. Then, he gets to be the guy to de-flower Jessica Simpson, when she was in her prime, and stupid smokin' hot. I'm sure they participated in every sex act known to man. And what was Nick doing when he wasn't showing Jessica what a "Dirty Sanchez" is.....he was drinking Miller Lite's, watching sports, and spending Jessica's hard earned money. That's what I'm friggin talkin' about. I can't think of a better life than this guy. Live in a mansion, drive sick cars, bang a ridiculously hot wife, and pretty much be on vacation 24/7.

Just when you think that life couldn't get any better.....Nick divorces Jessica right before she's about to become an emotional and physical train wreck. He gets a big settlement, alimony, and then he lays down a whacker. He starts hookin' up with single hot chicks everywhere. Kristin from Laguna Beach, etc. His pecker probably didn't realize all the goodies it was missing. It was probably like shooting fish in a barrel for this guy. Then he lands the dime of all dimes....he starts gettin' after it with Vanessa Manillo, who is just unbelievably hot to me. She could choke me out while we do it for all I care. I'd do just about everything and anything that would stay within the Constitution to get her in the sheets. She likes sports, isn't as retarded as Jessica Simpson, and her body is R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S. She openly tongues the hell out of him and rides him wherever they go.

Good job, Nick. Even though I personally think you're a pickle...I respect the fact that you're spending your ex-wife's fortune, getting laid...and getting paid.