I'd Like to Announce My Retirement

That's right folks, Simply Suds is hanging up his spikes from The Win Column. I woke up this morning with absolutely no ambition to blog....in fact, I woke up this morning and really didn't look forward to anything besides the girl that isn't even hot, but somehow manages to give me a little chubby in the morning when I make that miserable mile and a half drive to Dunkin' Donuts to get my iced coffee. Suds has hit rock bottom. He has a lot of soul searching to do over the next few weeks to try and dig himself out of the shallow grave that the month of July left him in. Two catastrophic injuries, a loss in the softball playoffs after making a Kirk Gibson like recovery from a mangled hand, and now getting canned from a painting job that a bunch of junkies and people that belong behind bars somehow manage to hold on to.....was just the final straw. Hopefully, I will someday return with stories of pissing some helpless girl's bed, or staying up until the sun rises getting weird in somebody else's hot tub....but until that time....I bid you all farewell.

To my fellow Win Column teammates....keep fightin' the good fight. Tell tales of naked chicks, hot chicks, smut, boobs, a$$es, and everything else the perverts that read this site thirst for. I want Red Sox fans to $hit on Yankees fans, and vice versa. I want stories about how Randy Moss and the Big Ticket have rejuvenated the city's thirst for the greatest sport on earth, and a sport that I could care less about.

It's been real and it's been fun. See you all in hell.

Should This Be An Olympic Sport?

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If so, I'm all in with SIMPLY SUDS -- based upon past stories, Suds would slaughter the little Asian in this video.

In all seriousness though, imagine if this were an actual sport? Imagine how many run-of-the-mill dirtbags would be lining up to enter such an event? It would cause complete chaos.

As a side note...is that a rubber that the Asian throws on the chick once he's done? I need an official ruling.

Little Leaguers Hit the Sauce?

I couldn't help but turn my attention to some Little League Baseball as the Sox didn't play until 1:30 PM yesterday. The boys from Walpole, MA took a Northeast title home to represent the Bay State in the Little League World Series. I'll root like a son of a b*tch for these kids, although I think a few of them may be using performance enhancing substances. I watched two kids crush balls completely over the stands in back-to-back fashion. Effortless swings, and it looked like they teed off on the 8th hole of the local pitch-and-putt. Not to mention, it seems like little leaguers get taller and thicker every year. There used to be that one mutt that would be 6'2", 250 lbs. as a 12-year-old....but now it seems as if I'd be a dwarf on all of these teams. What the f*ck do they feed these kids?

Go Walpole!

Flexible Friday!

By definition, August 10th might be "Lazy Day", but I'm sure this video will have your warped little minds running wild on this Friday afternoon. For the record, my favorite position comes at the 38 second mark -- the possibilities are endless...

My question is...if this chick has enough cash to purchase those perfect implants, why is it that she can't afford a decent hair stylist?? Not to nitpick, but she is rockin' an overwhelming dose of "Rasheed Wallace spots". What the hell is going on there?


(Video seen on http://break.com/)

Blue Balls for $9.95 Plus Tax

Now there was a time when I was, say....13-14 years of age and the only thing close to porn was the fitness channel. I know what you're thinking and, yes, there was nothing like an early morning fitness show to get you ready for homeroom. This was moderately excepted as entertainment for a 13-year-old kid, but I found this video the other day (courtesy of http://stuff4dudes.com/) and it blew my mind. I'm just surprised some people never moved on from fitness shows. I mean, yes, the chicks are smoking and, yes, there are great close-ups, but let's be honest...who the hell would sit at home and watch these videos over and over again? You would have to be a complete hair-diaper to spend your money on this sh*t just so you can play a lil' game of pull and tug!

Perhaps I'm missing something here....you be the judge.

http://stuff4dudes.com/media/HTML/y4d_trailer.html

Strangest Picture Ever?

This photo comes courtesy of With Leather (http://withleather.com/), but I can't help but post it and add a few remarks.

Yes, the above photo is of Lisa Leslie (all 6'5" of her) and Regina King at the ESPY's, who is best noted as Cuba Gooding's wife in Jerry Maguire (character name - Marcee Tidwell).

Wow! Why is God's name would that tranny ever put herself in a position to be photographed with actual normal sized humans??? Seriously, Lisa Leslie looks like every Jamaican prostitute...only a good 12-14 inches taller. Disgusting!

And to make matters, get a load of this Lisa Leslie quote which I have located: "For me, being tall was very positive because I thought my mom was the most beautiful person ever." Huh?? B*tch, you look like AC Green.

A couple Jerry Maguire trivia notes for all you movie junkies (ok, maybe just Nightmare)...

• Based on the success of the 1996 film The Truth About Cats and Dogs, director Cameron Crowe offered Janeane Garofalo the leading female role in Jerry Maguire if she could lose weight. However, after trimming down, Garofalo learned that Renée Zellweger had won the part instead, in what was to become Zellweger's career-launching role.


• To date, the Jerry Maguire DVD is one of only two DVDs to feature commentary by Tom Cruise himself. The other is Mission: Impossible III, with director J.J. Abrams.


• A deleted scene includes Artie Lange as a sports radio host, his first movie role. Artie claims that the script called for a pause at the beginning of the scene and, after shooting two takes with the pause, Cruise became aggravated and yelled at him, saying "could we come in quicker, please!" Artie would later refer to this on the Howard Stern Show as his "biggest a-hole celebrity encounter."

Hail The Man

Here at The Win Column, it has been documented before just how legendary Jack Nicholson is. Everything about him is smooth.

P.I.M.P. -- I mean, just look at him marinating on that boat in Saint Jean Cap-Ferrat. Ladies love him, men wanna be him. After all, Nicholson was named on Maxim's "Top 10 Living Legends of Sex" with an alleged 2,000 women that he has slept with. Without any research, something tells me that Hugh Hefner likely resides at the top of such a list.

But, what I like most about Jack is that he is a true sports fan. There aren't many people from Hollywood that can say the same. Off the top of my head, here is a short list of superstars that actually possess some sports knowledge:

Spike Lee, Turtle (from Entourage), Billy Crystal, Donnie Wahlberg, Vince Vaughn, James Belushi, Alyssa Milano, Jay-Z, and Snoop Dogg.

Any others?? There aren't many more. And, no Ben Affleck does not count -- it wouldn't surprise me if he showed up to Fenway in October wearing his "pink hat".

If the above topic doesn't provide enough debate...then, what's Jack's best all-time film? Discuss...

For Those of You Who Are Still In Vacation Mode At Work.....

...and want to kill some time today. Check out SI.COM today, as they have compiled a list of the greatest athletes in reference to the jersey numbers that they wore. 00-99.....and I have to admit, I'm quite impressed and would love to start a debate on if anyone disagrees with any of the selections. Obviously I think that Larry Bird should be representing #33 over Jabbar, but I guess that is just the Boston in me. Who works on a Monday after a crazy week of partying anyway? Sit at your computer or desk or whatever you do....and ease yourself into the week by doing nothing. It's the American way.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0706/gallery.numbers.part1/content.1.html

Bringing Chicks to Sporting Events

I would like the hear the readers of The Win Column's opinion on whether it is ok to bring your chick to a sporting event. I believe there are 3 valid reasons that are acceptable, which I will mention in a second...but overall, I think the consensus is an absolute NO. I know there are some pretty cool chicks out there that could handle it, but I can't think of many chicks that would make it a better experience than sucking down a few cold brewski's with Sudsie at a game in Fenway park...or maybe or double-fisting at the Garden, trying so hard not to spill those glorious Bud Lights all over me while trying so hard to walk up the stairs to my seat.

I can probably count the amount of chicks I know on one hand who I would have a good time with, but most of them could care less about the game itself. They don't know any of the players or any of the rules. One time I went to a Sox game and the girl didn't even know how many innings there were! Are you kidding me? What guy wants to spend time explaining how many god damn innings are in a game!

Anyways, here are the 3 reasons I find it acceptable:

1.) She is generally interested and knows what she is talking about. This is the chick that would be watching Remdawg on a Wednesday night vs. the Devil Rays if you weren't even home.
2.) She is smoking hot and it is one of your first dates. First couple dates are acceptable. I think a girl feels privileged to be asked to a game, knowing that you chose her over all your cool buddies. There's a good chance you're getting laid if you make this move.
3.) She loves to black out! This focuses all the attention on having a good time and not being a fake fan for one night. Usually, this is the type of girl that will admit she has no clue and just wants to have a good time.

Must See

I have nothing really to say. But every reader needs to check out this website...

http://www.townienews.com/

Fitzy puts up a new video every Friday. Go back and check the archives. Real funny sh*t.

Happy Father's Day

It's going to be a busy day for these guys...

• Calvin Murphy - 14 illegitimate kids by 9 different women. THE CHAMPION (unless you wish to discuss singer Jay Hawkins, who had a confirmed 57 kids...and possibly as many as 75).
• Ray Charles (no, he's not an athlete...and, yes, he's dead...but, impressive nonetheless) - 12 kids in total, 9 in which were illegitimate. I know he was blind all all, but come on...after a while, you'd figure this excuse would have run it's course.
• Evander Holyfield - 9 illegitimate kids.
• Willie Anderson (ex-San Antonio Spur) - 9 illegitimate kids. Couldn't score on the court, but didn't miss in the bedroom.
• Shawn Kemp - 7 illegitimate kids by 6 women. THE FACE OF FATHER'S DAY. Side note...are those the worst jersey's you've ever seen (above photo)??
• Derrick Thomas - Died at the age of 33, but still had enough time to pump out 7 illegitimate kids with 5 different women.
• Larry Johnson (the basketball player) - 5 kids with 4 different women, 3 of which are illegitimate.
• Vlad Guerrero - 4 kids, all with different women. Further proof that he will swing at absolutely anything!
• Santonio Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids by 2 women...BEFORE LEAVING COLLEGE!
• Shannon Sharpe - 3 illegitimate kids with 3 women, all within a year of each other. Fact...all resemble Barbaro.
• Willis McGahee - 3 illegitimate kids in a 2 year span while in Buffalo.
• Greg Minor - 3 illegitimate kids.
• Ricky Williams - 3 illegitimate kids.
• Priest Holmes - 3 illegitimate kids.
• Chad Johnson - 3 illegitimate kids.
• Noel Devine - (the top HS running back recruit...could be headed to West Virginia) - rumored to already have at least 2-3 illegitimate kids.

Special thanks to 100 Percent Injury Rate (http://100percentinjuryrate.blogspot.com/), as they also compiled a list including most of these names.

Big Time Musician....or Stud Athlete?

Which would you rather be? At first thought, I absolutely wanted to be the stud athlete...the Jeter, Jordan, or Brady....but let me tell you, being a big time musician (Dave Matthews, Timberlake, Bono, Jay-Z) is nothing to take lightly. I think we can all agree that both groups get an insane amount of women....more than anyone could dream of. They have dimes throwing themselves at them in a different city or country every friggin' day. That sounds like a taste of heaven to me. I blame my parents for not giving me the genes to become a 6'2" 245 lbs. middle linebacker in the NFL, or the gift to use my fat fingers to toca la guitarra. Here's for making a case to be either a stud musician or a stud athlete.....it's a lot tougher of a decision than you think, even if you are a sports fanatic like this kid.

Athlete: You're probably in bomb shape, so the women have no problem bodying the hell out of you. You're the man in your home city, the absolute man. If you're a Yankee, you own NY....if you're a Red Sox, you can't even go out in Boston without a police escort. Guys wanna be you, chicks wanna be on you. You're on TV for 6 months a year, sometimes every day, sometimes once a week...but at that time, the entire region focuses it's attention on you. You can look into the stands and take home any single chick you want to...pretty much. When you go out, people will talk amongst themselves that you're even in the building. Talk about having your pick of the litter. Spend a couple of hours perusing the place, and find a 10 to take home. You're a god damn stud. Don't even get me started about away games....that's when the orgies take place. The downside is that you have certain standards and rules to uphold with your respective league. You can't test positive for extra curricular activities, and you have to stay in somewhat reasonable shape.

Musician: People bob their head to your $hit. You're in millions of CD players, IPOD's, on TV all the time, and you get to attend every single awards show known to man. You pretty much party 24/7, as your life is one big concert. Clubs, bars, house parties....you're meeting women every night, ingesting whatever substances you want to ingest, and living your life care free from rules and regulations. Chicks get moist when they listen to your music, so when they have a chance to actually meet you, they pretty much want to ride the hell out of you, and call it a day. And let's get to the meat and potatoes of being a musician.....the concert tour. Every night there are thousands of women that make a push for your after party backstage....and guess what, you let in whoever the hell you want. It's probably your boy that lets in the most insane lookin' chicks you've ever seen....and their ultimate goal is to sleep with you, so that they can tell their friends. And unlike athletes....occasionally your tour goes worldwide....and what happens in Europe stays in Europe. You're pampered wherever you go, and you can have an orgy arranged before your show if you want.....everyone caters to your needs. Be greedy. There's a chance you don't have a spec of athletic ability, and your body could go do hell....and hopefully you don't become a one hit wonder, because you don't have a contract like an athlete. If you get hurt, or fall off the map with terrible tunes....everyone will forget about you forever. You'll just be another average Joe, probably bankrupt because you spent all your money on blow, women, cars, and 5 houses.

Suds loves sports...but a good case can be made for both. The musicians make a strong case for themselves....and I know this is a "sports" blog. Yeah right. We love chicks. They make the world go round. Who would you rather be?

Revisiting The Spanish Paralympians

Back in 2000, the Spanish Paralympic Committee produced fake documents for 10 of the 12 members on their Paralympics basketball team -- falsely claiming that they had IQ's below 85.

With a "standout" performance, their intellectually able team captured the gold medal in a tournament for the intellectually disabled. It was soon discovered that the majority of their team members had no mental deficiencies to speak of and their medals were stripped.

What makes the story stranger? The story was brought to light by a Spanish journalist who joined the basketball team to uncover the scandal. To make the roster, it was not required of him to complete any medical or psychological tests -- all he had to do was complete 6 sit-ups and a blood pressure test.

Relating to the above picture (and their seatbelts)...for some reason, I cannot contain myself. Am I going to hell??

Fights I'd Like to See in an Illegal Fighting Ring

Can we please get over Mike Vick and this ridiculous dog fighting ring. It must be a slow news day, because this story is lamer than Bo Jackson's knee. Do you really care about this? The Falcons stink, the NFC stinks, and I'm almost positive most people reading this blog are Pats fans and would agree that they are the runaway favorites to win the Superbowl.....no? Besides, I know most of you perverts do things that are waaaaaaaay creepier than a dog fighting ring (myself included). That said, here are some head-to-head bouts I'd pay money to see in an illegal fighting ring, so Mike Vick, if you're listening and can make this happen let me know......

1. Chieftain vs. Richard Simmons in a straight up sweatin' to the oldies dance off. First one to drop loses.

2. A-Rod vs. Rosie O'Donnell in an open-fisted slap fight. First one to run away with their arms flailing loses (bet the house on Rosie).

3. Two teams of two midgets apiece in a steal cage match. Every weapon possible in the ring. First team to hog-tie and string up one of their opponents wins.

4. Kevin Youkilis vs. Julian Tavarez in a staring contest. The first one to cringe because of the others' hideousness loses (to ease the shock factor of this for the fans, I propose two smokin' hot chicks make out in the ring between rounds).

5. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish leprechaun vs. the Purdue Boilermaker in a bare knuckles fight.

Holla.

Who is Today's Best "Pure Athlete"?

Over the weekend, Chuck-Diesel and I got into an intense debate relating to the best athletes in the world today.

How did the debate start in the first place? Well, we were discussing Mike Vick and his propensity for dog-fighting. The discussion later transformed into whom is the best "athlete" in sports today.

Diesel's primary argument was that Vick is the best athlete...any sport -- because he believes Vick could play QB, RB, WR, and/or CB at an elite level in the NFL. In turn, I couldn't disagree more. While I rank Vick as one of the 10 best athletes, he doesn't come close to that coveted top spot. Why? Because not only could he not play at an elite level at all of the aforementioned positions, but he can't even perform as expected at the one postition that he has been groomed to play for his entire career.

WR??? Pleeeeease -- Vick can't grasp any offense which is thrown at him, yet you think Vick could learn the art of route running? As a wideout, running crisp routes is more vital for success than any amount of speed. If speed was the end-all to be-all for a WR, then why isn't Bethel Johnson on his way to the Hall of Fame? Vick has limited athletic attributes -- speed and quickness. Nothing else.

So, this debate got me thinking about "my" list of today's best "athletes". What defines a "pure athlete"?

Speed. (Lateral) quickness. Jumping. Hand-eye coordination. Reaction time. Endurance. Strength. Power. Flexibility.

But, there are other secondary attributes which must be considered -- such as:

Leadership. Clutch factor. Mental capacity (IQ for one's particular sport).

Without further ado, here is my comprised list (no hockey or soccer players allowed), in order:

• Jose Reyes
• Lebron James
• Reggie Bush
• Kobe Bryant
• Calvin Johnson
• Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
• Mike Vick
• Amare Stoudemire
• Jeremy Bloom (SLEEPER)
• Allen Iverson

Athletic Abortions

ESPN's Outside the Lines ran a controversial story this morning regarding NCAA policies with respect to female athletes. According to the report, some schools have written policies saying any student-athlete who becomes pregnant will lose her athletic scholarship, and that many athletes have abortions because they don't want to lose their scholarships.

At Clemson, 7 athletes told ESPN they had abortions (and it's suspected that others did not report such instances). There are apparently no firm rules governing how colleges or the NCAA deal with pregnant athletes, but many athletes say it's clear to them that if they want to continue to have a scholarship, they can't miss playing time because of a pregnancy. Syracuse forward Fantasia Goodwin played last season while she was seven months pregnant and hid that fact from the team.

...The part of this story that had me in stitches was the report relating to Clemson. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop laughing. What are these chicks doing?? If you're going to continue sleeping around, either utilize a condom or go on the pill. It's quite simple. I realize that neither of these proposals are 100% guaranteed...but if implemented, I can assure you that 7+ female athletes from one school would not be scheduled to pop out toddlers.

Who else, besides me, is interested in seeing the statistics relating to the Rutgers basketball team??