Monday, July 9, 2007

Where Has Chieftain Been?

It's the question that all the kids have been asking for the past week...

Yes, it's true...I've recently just returned back from Sunset Beach, North Carolina -- a trip of many high's and low's.

This past Monday morning...Sportspen, another reader that we'll refer to as "Terp" for purposes of this post, and myself all boarded Spirit Airlines (the worst company in American existence - but, we'll get to that in another post) at the a$$-crack of dawn.

Some of us returned late Friday evening, while others were forced to return Saturday afternoon (again, because of Spirit Airlines - the worst company in America). All-in-all, I'd give our entire North Carolina adventure a 6.5 (out of 10). There were far too many underage girls, great weather (enough so to make me certifiably black), beautiful beaches, endless golf courses, Myrtle Beach (the most overrated place in history), Wilmington (the most underrated place in history), near arrests (aka, "bottle fights"), fights amongst each other, terrible pick-up lines (aka, "text bandakute references"), and much more. Have I mentioned underage girls yet??? As in, tons-and-tons-and-tons of high school butts. As in, I was the high school prom chaperon in most places (Wilmington being the exception).

Anyways, I won't bore you with many more details...other than my encounter with Julia Stiles at City Limits Saloon (in Wilmington, NC). First off, let me clarify how we discovered this gold mine. After a disappointing 4th of July, we were determined to take Thursday night (which was supposed to be our final night for all -- again, Spirit Airlines SUCKS) by storm...a knock-out punch so to speak (yes, another reference to the aforementioned near absurd "bottle fight"). So, what'd we do?? What all tipsy responsible adults do. You guessed it...we drove 40+ miles to Wilmington. Upon parking, we became ultimate creeps and followed two 10's a few blocks to the land of "Cold Beer...Hot Chicks". Yes, that is the exact slogan of the City Limits Saloon. Upon entering one of the best bar experiences of my life, I immediately walked into a screaming the tune of "30 minutes until the Bikini Bull Riding contest" -- as I watched a set of DD's ripping through a shirt that wouldn't have fit the adolescent shoulders of any of the aforementioned high school "tight-butts". My second encounter?? The discovery of America's Hottest Bartender, a 23-year-old 5th Year Senior at UNC-Wilmington. Words cannot begin to describe the body (as in, yes, I just pulled my 'pud to it -- I'm sure Sportspen and Terp have as well) on this goddess.

Anyways...on to Julia Stiles, whom Cosmopolitan has recently declared as the "Least B*tchy Girl in Hollywood" (see the above cover). Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah right!!! Julia Stiles could very well be a nice individual, but let me tell you...her ugly freckled sidekick is a kick in the nuts! What am I talking about, you ask??

Ok, allow me to step back for a minute. I have a routine -- meaning...when I enter I bar, I instinctively scour the entire scene for "talent". During this process, I will undoubtedly discover some "potential" that is assured to be hit on before night's end. If none is prevalent to the keen eye, then odds are that I'll be on to bigger and better bars...sooner than later. Well, as you probably already figured out for yourself...the City Limits Saloon was packed with eye candy. In one corner, you had said another corner, you had the finest that L.A. has to offer (a brunette named Courtney that was visiting her friend - by the way, I love her) another corner, you had the two 10's that we followed into the another corner, you had the dozens of bikini-clad "bull riders" (you think I'm kidding, don't you?)...the list goes on-and-on-and-on.

Oh yeah, how'd I another corner, you had Julia Stiles, her ugly freckled friend, and the 280 lb. man that Julia Stiles was kissing on all night. Yes, you read that correctly. Julia Stiles, a "7" on her best day (but receives major points for being a celebrity), was demonstrating serious PDA with the fattest dude in the bar -- a guy that was rockin' an EXTRA LONG braided belt (I know this because his shirt was tucked into his fat stomach). On my walk to the restroom, I had to refrain from punching this fat man's face in. Needless to say, I was in awe of what I was watching. It reminded me of my overweight ex-roommate and his girlfriend...only 100 times worse. I just had to interrupt and do something about it.

For those of you reading that don't know me, I can be blunt. In this instance, however, I wanted to play my cards perfectly. After all, if I banged the snot out of Julia Stiles, I would have taken endless photos -- and, coincidentally, The Win Column would currently be the most popular site on the net. So, what did I do? I positioned myself in prime real estate. And, what do you know...but no more than 2 minutes later, Julia Stiles was dancing within 12 inches of me to the tune of "Dipsy-Do" and "Cotton Eyed Joe". Whaaaaaaat???? Mr. DJ, you just killed my flow. As a white dude, I consider myself an above average dancer...BUT, I don't have the slightest clue when it comes to country!

As I waited the songs out and shot the $h*t with Sportspen, Terp, and every other chick that I had fallen in love with for that one night, I kept thinking to myself...what was I going to do/say to break the ice with Julia Stiles??? After all, I was doing this for the good of The Win Column. It's my duty. In the end, I opted to go with my usual "confident approach" -- meaning, I walked directly over to Stiles' crew, looked her fat-a$$ man in the eyes, looked Julia in the eyes, and then casually introduced myself. Normally, this makes girls melt. I've yet to experience Hollywood, but I'm guessing that I might need a new tactic if I were to ever decide to move there. During this brief conversation, Julia seemed approachable -- however, I sensed some awkwardness...after all, I was deliberately trying to sway her away from her "man".

10 minutes later...I watched Julia's obese boy-toy get up for the bathroom. Thus, I immediately swooped in for the the tune of her ugly-freckled friend's wrath. Along with Terp, I approached Julia... shared a few words, and then...BOOM! The friend's jealous rage (at least, that's what I'll call it) was unleashed on my a$$. I honestly don't think another girl has ever yelled at me in such a manner. This girl's acne was spewing everywhere, all while her yellow teeth acted as night-lights. And, Julia just let this b*tch keep yappin', didn't say a word, and looked in the other direction. To be honest, I was confused and didn't know exactly how to react. So, I simply laughed at the beast, shook Julia's hand, and winked as I backpedaled.

At the end of the day, I have a few questions for the readers...
  • What did I do wrong? How could my approach been improved?
  • Should I have mouthed off to "Queen Complexion" (and Julia Stiles)?

As I'm in the process of moving and preparing to leave for Jamaica this coming Wednesday (life is good), I know I have a lot of posts and additional stories to catch up on. I'll do my best to do so...


Simply Suds said...

You tell the little c*ck blocker to go pound sand and get some crest whitening strips....and maybe tell her to drink a bottle of Proactiv.

Anonymous said...

did anyone really saddle up and read that long ass blog? only suds since he really has nothing else to do. suds...go hit on a chick that wont touch you or go piss the bed. maybe even watch save the last dance in honor of miss julia. or post some tits. its monday....the scrubs want to see tits. i speak for us all.

SlowStuff said...

I read it! I have to give it up to Chieftan for actually approaching Julia Stiles! If I saw her making out with some fat slob I don't think I could even go near her. Great effort! The question is, did you score any other tale that night Chieftan??

Simply Suds said...

Julia Styles would have punched your lights out herself. She's gangsta. Haven't you ever seen 10 Things I Hate About You? Cat's tough.

Anonymous said...

Overweight ex-roomate says:

While I can't speak for Julia Styles (whom I think is disgusting) or her fat ass "man" I can speak for my current situtation. With regard to me (195 lbs) and my skinny girl - i think the moral of the story is that girls just wanna have fun. Chieftain may be confident in his appearance, but I am confident in myself - I can put a smile on any girls face. As for appearance - "i must be jam cause jelly don't shake that like!"