Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Enough is Enough: A Public Transportation Manifesto


This may just be my social OCD kicking in here but do you feel that most people act like complete jerk-offs on public transportation? I mean as soon as people set foot into a train/bus station their IQ plummets and their douchebagness sky-rockets. I think we can all agree that its inevitable when you use public transportation to get to work there is going to be a certain level of unsought intimacy. However there are a few simple rules that, if followed, can make our daily commutes just a bit more enjoyable and a little less wretched.

1. To all you Moms and Dads out there please…PLEASE keep your friggin strollers off of the train/bus during rush hour(s). If you absolutely have to have your kids there can't you just carry them? I know, I’m sorry. This can come off as extremely insensitive. But I don’t give a flying f*ck. It’s the truth. A stroller is a menace on a crowded train/bus and chances are it really doesn’t need to be there. Anyone who has played a pseudo game of twister on a train because of trying to jockey around a stroller knows what I’m talking about.

2. When a flood of people are trying to get out the door at a stop and you’re the asshole in the way DON’T stand in the middle of the train! Get off, stand to the side and let everyone get out, then get back on. Its really not that hard.

Speaking of getting off the train….

3. I’m sure you’ve heard this about a million times but for some reason some people can’t grasp the concept. You’re supposed to WAIT for everyone to get off the train then get on. Regardless, every T stop I’m at there is some moron that is fighting the traffic getting off just to get on. First off, if you’re that excited to get to work you need to relax you body. Secondly if you’re that anxious to get a seat chances are you could probably use the exercise of standing.

4. Try your hardest to shower and brush your teeth. No one wants to smell your awful BO or breath.

5. Lastly, unless you are a completely blazin’ chick that smells great people really don’t want to be that close to you. Just do your best to keep your own personal space. We’re in this together guys. I mean we put a man on the moon for christ’s sake, we should be able master the art of riding the train everyday.

Any other thoughts?

Orlando


11 comments:

city of champions said...

6. If you're standing on any green line train, hold on to something (you can wash your hands when you get to work). Unless you are a king crab fisherman, there's no way you can do it. While its funny to watch people fall over after a Sox game, having your feet crushed by some jerk-off holding a coffee and reading the WSJ isn't.

Crazy Wrists said...

Orlando - I officially love you. I couldn't agree with you more. When can we expect the pamphlet on this? I seriously think you should consider passing them out next the Metro/NOW guys!

the guy who got pissed on by jonny homeless cuz he made the mistake of sitting next to him said...

7. dont piss on me.

Norm Haters Anonymous.com said...

Norm, stop setting up fake names saying that you love yourself....its getting kind of weird.

pedro martinez said...

Who is Karim Garcia ? Who are you? Sooooooooo whatttttttttt. Who are you to challenge Pedro Martinez.

the artist formally known as Suds said...

Urinating is acceptable on all forms of transportation, in fact, urination is the new fad. Try it.

Anonymous said...

suds....is that you?

Wimpy Miles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wimpy Miles said...

long story, and i'll keep it quick, but i was on the redline heading from park street to alewife one weekday night around 9pm a few years back, and these 4 blue collar dudes got on -- all of them about 50 years old and about 50 beers deep each. one of them started screaming -- and i mean SCREAMING -- at this one nerdy academic Harvard looking older gentlemen about how the drunk guy thinks the nerd thinks he's better than the drunk guy and yada yada yada. the nerdy guy was horrified, couldn't look at the guy in the eyes. and to make matters worse, he was sitting there w/his girl. so while that was really tense and awkward for a few minutes (the train was pretty packed), three of the dudes got off at their stop shortly thereafter. they were so smashed that they didn't notice that they'd left their fourth buddy behind. and that guy didn't notice he was supposed to get off the train b/c he was completely passed out. so i notice this, chuckle, and let the chips fall as they may... after the shitshow they'd just put on, i wasn't going to help the guy out. so i'm sitting there about 5 seats down from the dude on the same side of the train as him, and lo and behold i look down to see PISS streaming right for my feet. the dude had basically a full-blast faucet of piss running out of his jeans and onto the floor. the conductor somehow got hip to this and called ahead to the cops at the next stop. the poor cops had to come on and arrest this dude, dodging as many of the wet spots on his body as they could. needless to say, they arrested the guy and likely threw him in the drunk tank. and while i suppose i didn't keep this a 'short' story, it really was a sight to behold. god, i miss riding the train.

Earl said...

Karma's a bitch.

Anonymous said...

good story wimpy...maybe ill actually read it when i have a couple free days.