Elijah, Invest In Some F*cking Rubbers You Creepy Bastard

A 17-year old girl living with a relative of Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes has informed police that she believes she is pregnant with Dukes' child. She told investigators that her and Dukes had consensual sex on a living room couch. Am I the only one hysterically laughing yet? Apparently being the psycho that he is (he's left messages on his ex-wife's cell phone in the past, allegedly threatening to kill her), Dukes was so angry at the girl when she told him that according to the girl:

"Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me."

Should this allegation prove to be true, this will mark the 6th child Dukes will have with 5 different women. Dude, that's f*cking retarded! He'll be 23 years old on June 26th, which means this 22 year old bastard has fathered 5 kids already....wow. I mean, is this guy so horny that he has to bare back everything? He is set to earn $380,000 this year...I mean, can't you invest in some Trojan Magnums to cover up your huge hammer that seems to leak super sperm whenever you get laid? You have to be a real scumbag to father 6 kids with 5 women. And how about the fact that he chucked a Gatorade at the baby's mama after she told him. She is 17 years old for Christ's sake....she was probably thrilled to rock a Major League ballplayer....but then she has to get assaulted by a pervert like Dukes? The Win Column doesn't have too many standards when it comes to getting laid....but I'd officially like to announce that Elijah Dukes has also earned "Pickle of the Week" honors as well. Wear a friggin' condom you creep. $10 bucks will save you about $100,000 a month in child support. You better hope you swing a hot stick and get a nice contract....otherwise, you'll be selling crack and flippin' burgers because it's obvious you have no standards and zero respect for anything other than your desire to smash clam.