Satisfaction Guaranteed with John C Reilly

Pee-Wee's Playhouse - 1st show (full episode)

The secret word for today is Door.

This is quality just for the opening intro.

Go Get'em Wimpy.

Best Body In The U.K.?

I introduce to you Abigail Clancy. Clancy was catipulted into the British tabloids after finishing second in Britains Next Top Model contest last year. She's obviously a very healthy girl with wondeful attributes. She's got perky little apples, a killer body, and of course a butt that won't quit. But wait it gets better! She's got a vicious coke problem as well. Every guy's dream right?

Another one of her claims to fame is being involved with English soccer star Peter Crouch (whom I'm sure most of you nitwits don't even know). During last year's World Cup, when Crouch and Clancy's relationship was heating up, pictures began to surface in British tabloids of Clancy getting her crunk on while having her ex-boyfriend's ball bounce off her face. She was sent home, disgraced by the WAGs (which apparently stands for Wives and Girlfriends of the English soccer team...including none other than Victoria Beckham). Ahhh the Brits with their clever acronyms...what will they think of next!

After Clancy hit rock bottom, her boyfriend, Crouch, dumped her by fax issuing a statement via his lawyer disclaiming any further involvement with her saying "In light of this, I wish to make the situation absolutely clear: Abi and I were in the early stages of a relationship which, for a number of reasons I decided to end, and accordingly informed Abi of my decision." Hows THAT for British chivalry!!

Either way Abigail, I'm cool with your shenanigans. Come to this side of the pond and we'll show you what real men are made of!

Orlando

Is It Right To Make Fun Of This Guy Or Not?

Personally I'm torn. Part of me started rolling on the ground when I first saw this. However, seeing as how I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in my life the other part of me kinda feels bad for this poor crackhead. Either way this guy sure can carry a tune right? I'd be willing to bet that his next stop after leaving the stage was the buffet table, and not for the food either...he was all about stealing that silverware baby. Praise the Lord!

Orlando

Is This Chick Worth $100,000?

In a word: No.

In two words: Hell no!

In three words: No f*cking way!!

In the biggest gaf since K-Fed allowed Britney to sign him to a pre-nup (and honestly, I still think he made out pretty well in that deal), Greg Colvino agreed to pay his girlfriend, Elisa Kwon (above), $100,000 if he didn't keep play by the rules as her boyfriend.

Why the hell would anyone ever do this? It blows my mind! Colvino just casually cut a check for a hundred grand and gave it to Kwon so she could cash it if he was caught misbehaving?! For serious?

Anyway, they're in court this week... I'll give you three guesses why, and the first two don't count.

Apparently, Colvino, a 45 year old Wall Street trader, agreed to give up the following for his girlfriend:

Strippers
Prostitutes
Drugs
Staying out late

Just for the sake of posterity, you might want to put "his balls" on that list too.

It astounds me that a guy making sick Wall Street funny-money would be willing to give up his coke infused nudie club binges, staying out till 4am just to see which strippers were actually hooking, and how much cash he had to throw on the runway in order to stop window shopping and finally purchase the goods. Where is your commitment to a lifestyle, guy?

Oh wait, here it is:

"...Kwon,in a motion to dismiss filed on Sept. 20, said Calvino's drug use and wild ways with women entitled her to the money... after he went out with fellow RBC traders to ogle the girls at Flashdancers and do cocaine"

This motion to dismiss was in response to Colvino's suit claiming extortion on Kwon's behalf. Extortion? Dude, you gave her a check for $100,000 and said, "cash it if I f*ck up." Then you went out and did blow all night with your thousand-dollar-suit wearing cronies, tearing up the town and leaving a trail of broken hearted, "coulda lived the dream" strippers behind you... so she cashes the check. It seems like the only real issue here is a severe lack of foresight on your behalf.

Kwom also claims that Colvino admitted to failing a Rite-Aid drug test. I'm not even sure a) why he'd take one or b) why he'd divulge the results to his check-having, already obviously suspicious girlfriend. Are you nuts?!

One thing I am sure of, however, is that Greg Colvino is an idiot. How can you possibly be good enough with money to be a successful Wall Street trader, but bad enough with money to think that giving your girlfriend a check for a hundred thousand dollars is a good idea?

TheWinColumn applauds your accidental philanthropy, Mr. Colvino, and hopes that the next chick you drop that much cash on is way better looking.