F-U B's

Ok, I understand that not too many people like the NHL anymore. I, however, am a diehard. I stuck with it through the strike, the rule changes, and about a thousand horrific seasons from my team, the B's. Now this might just push me over the edge.

We just made a trade for Manny Fernandez (for those of you who don't know, he is a goalie from the Minnesota Wild). How can a Mexican make our hockey team better? I could really give two frozen cat sh*itsicles about who we got rid of. We traded some Czek flamer named Petr, or Jarka, or Douchebag. I'm not really sure what his exact name is.

What I am sure about is the fact that I am heated right now. We just traded for a guy that is going to take up 10% of our salary cap. He might be a good goalie (I think he is mediocre), but there were other options. How about Martin Gerber? He is a 33 year old guy who shut out the Canadiens in a slugfest in the 2006 Winter Games. Granted, one game does not define your career, but it shows that he is a solid goalie, who could easily take the place of Tim Thomas.

Let's not forget that we have (according to everything that I have heard/read) an absolute stud goalie waiting in the wings in Tuuka Rask. He would have been our everyday tender last year, but he had to fulfill his obligation with the Finnish Army. So Basically, the B's just need someone to fill in while Tuuka becomes the next Patrick Roy (or for every B's fan, Rejean Lemelin).

I am sorry about this rant -- that most people don't care about, but I grew up watching the B's, and I get a little angry when our new GM (D-Bag von A-Hole) makes an idiotic trade. I wish I could just watch Bourque, Neely, Rosie, and Reggie all over again.

In the meantime, I'm just going to be the 1988 B's on NHL 2K7 and relive the glory days, when hockey wasn't such bullsh*t.

FU Chiarelli. Go to hell.

It's All About the Commodore Today....

I want to be honest with all of my readers. Most people would lay low during a day when they had to attend a party in Boston for their best friend that will be attending grad school 1500 miles away....but not Sudsy. I went to the beach today and had about 18 Bud Lights...and let me tell you....I am completely $hit-hawked out of my mind. I have no idea how I even took a shower and managed to look this good...because I am about an hour away from making the trip up to Boston to see my best friend, and celebrate his last month in town. Sure, I'll probably creep out about 56 girls I went to college with, and maybe 51 of their friends....but you know what....QUITE FRANKLY, I don't give a flying f*ck. Today is the Commodore's day. I plan on making an absolute mockery of the Bell 'N Hand Tavern at 7:30pm EST. And you can put that on the boooooooooooooarrrrrrrdddddddddddd...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Long live MJM....the Commodore. We'll miss you buddy. Now here's to me getting kicked out of your farewell party.....much like Franky Thomas got ejected from his 500th HR game.

Cheers everyone, have a safe and happy weekend.

Danny Ainge, Call Me...ASAP!

God, I really should be a GM...

Similar to how I was laughed at around the last NBA trade deadline when I suggested that the Celts peddle their (at the time) impending 2007 1st Round draft pick, Theo's expiring contract, and Gerald Green (who absolutely sucks at basketball) FOR Pau Gasol, I'm back to save the Celtics organization again!

Now, re-read that trade offer that I suggested, this past winter, after countless nights of analyzing every team's roster (and contracts). You're telling me you'd rather have Ray Allen over Pau Gasol??? If so, check yourself into the nearest clinic, as you're clearly delusional.

Why was I laughed at?? Sh*t, the C's had a 19.9% chance at saving their future...that being Greg Oden, and ONLY Greg Oden (Kevin Durant & Paul Pierce does not work as a tandem). Looking back on it, the odds proved to be consistent -- and, the C's obviously weren't granted the #1 pick. As expected. This is the problem with Boston fans -- they have NO CLUE (they want to give away nothing and, in turn, acquire everything). For just one minute, take your blinders off and ask yourself this...

Would you rather have 19.9% chance at Oden, or a slam-dunk in Gasol?? To me, it was (and obviously still is) a no-brainer. I was simply playing the percentages.

In hindsight (and in typical fashion), I come off looking like a genius...while the rest of Boston is wallowing around sucking their thumbs! But, have no fear...I'm back!

Danny - you want to move Theo's contract for another piece, right? THE PRIMARY TEAM YOU SHOULD BE IN DISCUSSIONS WITH IS THE DENVER NUGGETS, whom desperately need to slash payroll in the coming years (they are in salary cap hell).

Your targets?? Two players...Marcus Camby & Nene Hilario. When healthy, both are interior studs...both rebounding and defensive studs! Imagine that?? Exactly what the Celtics so desperately need.

The logistics...Theo is signed thru next year at $11.67M. Nene, 24, is signed for the next 4 years...to the tune of $11M, $12.1M, $13.15, and $14.2M, respectively. Camby, 33, is due to earn $8M for the next 2 seasons, and $7.65M in 2009-10.

Nene would be the ultimate piece, as he is a YOUNG interior mainstay that the C's would be able to build with (both currently and in the future...with Jefferson). However, the C's also must take into consideration that Big Al's qualifying offer (of $3.47M) comes into play after this upcoming season. Thus, depending on the undetermined salary caps of the future, Celtics management would have to understand that Jefferson's next contract would likely place them above the cap for one season...that being 2009-10 (Ray Allen's last year under contract).

Camby?? I would absolutely fawn over such an acquisition. Yes, he's 33 and an injury risk...but, he's clearly not slowing down -- evidenced by the fact that he was just awarded the NBA's Defensive Player of the Year award. When healthy (he played in 70 of 82 games this past season), Camby is as much of a defensive game-changer as Oden. Yes, you read that correctly.

So, here are the trade options:

• Theo Ratliff's contract, Gerald Green, and either Sabastian Telfair/Ryan Gomes (Nuggets choice) FOR Nene Hilario & a throw-in (again, Nuggets choice)


• Theo Ratliff's contract, Gerald Green, and their 2008 1st Round pick (with Camby, the Celts would certainly make the playoffs, so giving away this pick would be a no-brainer) FOR Marcus Camby & some stiff throw-in to make the salaries match (that may or may not end up being cut)

In turn, the Nuggets would then be MAJOR players in the trade market for the rest of the offseason...and thru the February '08 trade deadline.

Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Al Jefferson, Nene/Camby

...Ladies & gents -- that's your Eastern Conference champs.

Why is there no talk surrounding these names?????????

Danny, I can be reached at thewincolumn@gmail.com. I'm awaiting your word as well as your job...

Which Boston Athlete Will Start Opening Day for the Pats?

With the Celtics acquisition of "Big Baby" Davis (far right), Bill Belichick has a tough decision on his hands going into training camp.

Who should start at tight end for the Pats this season?

We all know that Willy Mo Pena (center) and Davis will have little impact on their respective teams, so why not have them along side Ben Watson (far left)? Belichick sweats tight ends and I am willing to give him two more........

Sharapova Wins Today at Wimbleton

I know, I know...no one cares that much about tennis, but her victory today is an excuse to post a picture of her enjoying a victory snack.

"It's just a weird situation, because you know the rain is coming. You're just thinking you might be a match point up and you have to go and wait to finish the match. It's a little bit of a tense moment." Well Maria, I couldn't agree more.

The Cool Kid of The Day Award Goes To.......

Reppin' Boston and, at the same time, giving Paris Hilton bunny ears (or a failed attempt at the shocker). Hopefully, she was treated better in prison.

More Steven A. Heckling...

Just in case some of you weren't aware of how this "society" originated, here is the video (same guys) from the 2006 NBA Draft.

And, yes...these hecklers are corporate lawyers in NYC. True story.

Quite Frankly, This is Hilarious...

As discovered by Deadspin, the "Steven A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen" were back at it during last night's NBA Draft.

Couple things I learned from this...

- This video reconfirms my infatuation with Mike Conley, Jr.

- Going forward, Joakim Noah will always be referenced as the "People's Princess" (and rightfully so).

- As the puppet so eloquently notes, Spencer Hawes is going to be a BUST. Anyways, does anyone recall his interview with Stuart Scott last night?? You know, the one in which he claims he's going to become a better basketball player by working on improving his athleticism?? Huh? Spencer - I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your "athleticism" is what it is...it can't be improved. If his name were not "Spencer", he'd be getting a lot of sh*t for being such an idiot. Just stating the facts.

Cheez Doodles!!!!

Revenge of the Nerds Song

Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds!!!

iPhone is Here. Nerds Unite

Today is the day that so many Jedi Powered Nerds have been looking forward to since at least January.

At last, the iPhone is available to the public. This guy, Greg Packer, has been waiting in-line since Monday...

What did this guy give up to be first in line? A lot of peanut M&M's.

Greg is clearly at the pinnacle of human achievement, unfortunately his home life isn't as glamorous.

CRISP THIS COCO

I love Coco. When I say this, I am not talking about Boston sports. The pimp himself, Ice T, sees this pose frequently. The best thing about Ice T is not his recurring role on Law and Order or his ancient rap albums, the best thing about him is the fact that he sees this pose from tons of chicks......and his wife is cool with it.

The Natural Little League All Star

I came across this video on Youtube while trying to find a mammoth little league home run to feel good about. I'm pretty impressed with whoever this kid is. All I know is that he's nicknamed the "viv" and that he played on a nasty Merrimack, NY 12 year old all-star team. His swing is pretty much textbook.

But let's talk about the effort his dad put into his highlight video. All my dad did was swear at the top of his lungs when I didn't get a hit, and would withhold daily meals as a punishment for errors or strikeouts.

Let the kids play.

OK, Last Full House Related Post For The Week

Sorry, but I have to do one more. While doing all this research based on the previous John Stamos post I uncovered some interesting news about our old friend Stephanie Tanner (aka, Jodie Sweetin) . She is now fairly hot. In one of these pictures, she looks a little dumpy. But that dumpy could easily moonlight as completely trashy, which automatically equals complete freak in the sack. I almost had mixed emotions while I was looking at these pics of a girl I onced shared every weekday afternoon with, but I got over that quickly. Yea, thats right....I'm not afraid to admit that I watched Full House all the time in my younger days. Who cares....maybe I still watch. Go f*ck yourself.

No matter which way you slice it, I think Jodie Sweetin is pretty hot and I'd LOVE to get a Full House two-some with DJ in the mix. Sweetin combined with Candace Cameron and the Olsen twins pretty much makes Full House the Montreal Expos of sitcoms in terms of churning out talent well ahead of its time

Orlando

One More Thing

Ray Allen's PPG stats the past 3 years:

04-05 ....23.9
05-06.....25.1
06-07.....26.4

In case this is not evident, this is called an upward trend.

Attention Seattle....

There is about to be a shortage of all hair spray, gel, moose, and 'Got 2 Be Glued' products in your area. Stock up while you still can, because the ankle grabbing, a$$ spreading, pooh jabber known as Wally Szczerbiak is coming to a local store near you.

Don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out, Wally......YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope your ACL , MCL, and ankle leave you with a Frankenstein-esque limp. You jerk.

Quite Frankly, I Think You're a Douchebag

Enough is enough. I mean, did anyone else get tired of hearing Stephen A. Smith yell every time he had the opportunity to talk last night? Both Tirico and Bilas were completely fine during the whole draft, and by fine, I mean they were being normal and not yelling at the top of their lungs while sh*ting on every teams draft moves EXCEPT the Knicks (not that surprising because Smith is admittedly a HUGE New York fan for all sports). Quite frankly Stephen, your style sucks. Take the hint. Your show was cancelled on ESPN after a year. Your appearances on any ESPN programming is dwindling faster than Nightmare's hairline. And earlier this year, you sunk so low as to take a cameo appearance on General Hospital just to get some cash.

Whats up with the anger dude? Relax, smoke some dope or something. You don't have to keep perpetuating the angry black man persona just to keep your job. You can 'keep it real' in other ways...try reporting the facts objectively, and then giving a well thought out opinion instead of just yelling....just a thought. Either way, a good first step for you is to take a big fat chill pill and maybe not talk for awhile. Am I way off on this?

Orlando

Voice of Reason

Ok, I've had a night to sleep off my hangover -- and re-think every little detail of the 2007 NBA Draft...

Last night's draft-day trade for Ray Allen was clearly a move of desperation, a move guided by Paul Pierce. Not necessarily a terrible thing.

Who received the better end of the deal? Oh, Seattle absolutely did...that goes without saying. For Ray Allen (who turns 32 next month)...who by the way, is coming off ankle surgery of both cankles (the same surgery as Wally), the up-and-coming Sonics landed themselves the PERFECT complement to Kevin Durant in Jeff Green (at #5 overall), Wally Szczerbiak's contract which expires in 2 years ($12M and $13M, respectively), & Delonte West, whose game I dislike...but let's be honest, (besides Rondo) West is the only other player that could have gotten both Pierce and Allen the ball in favorable spots (it's worth noting that Allen has never been able to create his own shot, and Pierce is becoming more-and-more that way). No??? Then, please tell me why the Sonics have sucked for years now??? After all, Pierce and Rashard Lewis are more comparable players than anyone in Boston would like you to believe.

And, Suds...please don't even mention Glen "Big Baby" Davis as part of this deal, as his fat a$$ is (at best) a 9th Man in the NBA -- which isn't good news for Celtic fans -- remember, Doc Rivers refuses to set a rotation, as he wants to keep every player happy (yes, even stiffs like "Big Baby").

But, at the same time...as a Celtics fan, I am 75% on board with this trade (assuming Ainge completes at least one more BIG trade this offseason). Allen's contract is TERRIBLE -- he's signed through the 2009-2010 season ($16M, $17.4M, $18.8M for the next 3 seasons), BUT he clearly makes the team better offensively...when healthy.

Bottom line...my primary concern about this team's current roster is DEFENSE (rebounding is another area which requires immediate attention). As an Ainge supporter in the past, I'm beginning to wonder if he even watches the NBA playoffs. For the past decade (Miami being the lone exception), defense has won EVERY year. With the exception of Rondo and Tony Allen (an injury question mark with no minutes on this team now), they C's don't possess a single other player that could lock down The Commodore.

The best move of the night by Celtics' management? The drafting of Gabe Pruitt!! As I mentioned in yesterday's Final Mock Draft (http://thewincolumn.blogspot.com/2007/06/final-2007-nba-mock-draft.html), I was praying that Pruitt somehow dropped to #32. As it stands now, Pruitt must add muscle (and, thus, is a few years away from making an impact)...but, believe me -- Pruitt can stroke it...he's a very smooth player (but again, he can't defend)! Quick...when's the last time the C's had a PG that could shoot a jumper??? And no, Kenny Anderson doesn't count.

Ok, I've done some research now (actually a lot of research)...the hope around Boston last night was that the Ray Allen trade could eventually make way for another trade, thus, landing Kevin Garnett. The most discussed option included a package of Theo's expiring contract ($11.7 M) and Al Jefferson ($2.5M next season, and a qualifying offer of $3.5M in 2008-09) FOR "The Big Ticket" ($22M for next season, and a player option for $24M in 2008-09).

Call me crazy, but $14.2M doesn't come close to matching KG's $22M salary next season (and yes, I'm well aware that contracts don't need to match EXACTLY if trades are made during the offseason). You want to know what the rest of the Celtics roster is scheduled to earn next season?? With no further ado...

• Kendrick Perkins - $4.5M
• Brian Scalabrine - $3M
• Sebastian Telfair - $2.6M
• Tony Allen - $1.9M
• Gerald Green - $1.4M
• Rajon Rondo - $1.4M
• Ryan Gomes - $770K
• Leon Powe - $687K
• Allan Ray - $687K

And, oh yeah...if Ainge is somehow able to land KG (and convince him to re-sign), the Celts will have $59.4M locked up between just 3 players (KG, Pierce, and Allen) in 2008-09. Newsflash...that doesn't work, especially when you consider that the C's current payroll for the upcoming season is ALREADY $63.4M, the 10th highest in the league. Granted, I don't know what the salary cap will be in 2 years (no one knows for certain), but I can assure you that the NBA salary cap does not increase at an exponential rate.

FYI (updated information)...this past year's salary cap was officially $53.135 million. Additionally, the mid-level exception was $5.215 million.

In the end...for the next 3 months, Ainge will need a new phone plan. Last night was a start...but by no means, the end. At the very least, it's an exciting time to be a Celtics fan, as this is the most publicity the team has received since the Rick Pitino Era.

I Love This Deal

I absolutely love the deal the Boston Celtics pulled off last night for the following reasons:

1. We became a competitive Eastern Conference playoff team.
2. We had to make a deal and either bring in a veteran or trade Pierce. If we draft a player in that position, the first losing streak forces Pierce to complain and ask for a trade. Then where are we? We would have a lot of young talent without knowing who would pan out.
3. We still have tremendous flexibility! Our main chips before the draft were the #5 pick, Theo Ratliff's contract, Big Al, and Gerald Green. We got a superstar and only gave up one blue chip! Are you kidding me!

Will we win a championship with this team as is?....Hell no. There is at least one more deal in place (we have to get rid of Theo). Look at next year, too. Pierce and Allen will still be nasty. Jefferson should be 10 times better, as should Gerald.

Needless to say, I am excited. My chubby is about the same size as the time I accidentally hammered my thumb! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going in the bathroom to wack off to either Ray Allen in a Celtics jersey or the hot 23-year-old, 4 month pregnant woman sitting accross from me! Happy Friday, you dildos.

Chris Farley Lives

This title says it all. Chris Farley has been reincarnated as a smug little toddler.

“Great, I’ve got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!”

I Don't Know $hit About Hoops....

...But I am a math wizard. And I know that when you subtract Delonte, Jeff Green (#5 pick, suck my d*ck), and Wally (see ya when your 'Got 2 Be Glued' haircut finally lets loose you f*cking overpaid stiff, bum, c*nt), and add Ray Allen and "Big Baby" Glen Davis......I actually feel decent about the draft. Sure I don't know anything...but I like the shake up.

Anybody that knows me, knows that I sweat Ray Allen and he is on all of my fantasy hoops teams. Welcome home Jesus Shuttlesworth.....we love you.

P.S. I am super blacked out, and you can all suck my a$$. Bud Light 4 life.

Hey Papi!!

A post from Chieftain, some weeks ago, called for a better music video than he had posted. Well here it is, a f*cking classic! This video has it all, bling, b*tches, boobs, booty, and booze!

Karinne Stephans, aka "Superhead" is all over this video. Even Pam and that other chick from "VIP" make an appearance, in Hova's Phantom! This is Rocafella Records in its prime...absolutely killing it!

Malibu Gets It Done!

Do you remember when these modern day Titans risked there life's day in and day out to compete on the most honorable battleground, known as "American Gladiators." I loved this show! Especially the hot MILFS in singlets. It's funny Malibu kind of reminds of Simply after spending all day roasting in the sun!

Mid-Draft Thoughts...

I was on the treadmill watching the draft and had to cut my workout short to work-up this column before my thoughts all blended together and became mushier than my soon to be sunburned a$$. So here goes...

David Stern lost some serious cache during that opening monologue. Ta-ta-ta-ta-day-David. Widely recognized as the most well-educated and well-respected commish around, Stern utterly bombed. I'm gonna send him some Hooked on Phonics for kwanza.

Second, go back to Duke and get some new material, Jay Bilas. Your brothers and sisters (that's lawyer speak for colleagues) would be ashamed. Of Mike Conley, Jr., Bilas noted "He's not a good athlete, he's a great athlete." Just one pick later he said of Jeff Green, "He's not a good passer, he's a great passer." C'mon dude, that's just weak.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here (say that 3 times fast Stern), but Suds could do a better job after 25 ice cold ones.

Furthermore, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but Stephen A. Smith as been pretty good thus far. Normally the guy is pecker, but in the shadows of Bilas his animated insight has been refreshing.

Per usual, Mike Tirico has carried the broadcast and Andy Katz has contributed some solid analysis.

All in all, I give it a "C+" to this point. But who am I to judge.

Ann-Marie Losique

As a follow up to the previous post regarding Ben Affleck absolutely man-handling Ann-Marie Losique, I felt obligated to follow up on the utter hotness of Ann-Marie. F*ck Ben Affleck...

John Stamos Has Absolutely NOTHING on Ben Affleck

In a related story to a previous post that shows Full House star John Stamos completely sh*tcanned on camera the above video will prove that Stamos is a distant second to one, Ben Affleck, when it comes to being plastered in front of the camera. This interview was pulled from a Quebec talk-show where the host, Ann-Marie Losique, wanted to interview Affleck in the weeks leading up to the premiere of Jersey Girl. Affleck proceeded to put on one of the best displays of a 'full-court press' these eyes have ever seen. The interview took place on a Sunday morning, so I feel fairly confident in saying that Affleck was up all night boozin' because he is obviously three sheets to the wind in this video. This might be a good indicator as to why he had to check into rehab later on in 2004. Either way, I have waaaaaay more respect for Affleck after seeing this clip. Enjoy!

Orlando

Tony Gonzalez is a Man of The People

Tony Gonzalez isn’t getting married, but he is planning a “formal commitment ceremony” on July 20 in Huntington Beach, where he’ll pledge his love to girlfriend October Russell.

"We're not signing any papers," Gonzalez told her, "but I wanted the world to know that I love her and want to spend my life with her. I did it the best way for me."

Mr. Gonzalez, you and I feel exactly the same way. As the saying goes, "brilliant minds think alike". What purpose does marriage serve?? When married, do you automatically begin to love your significant other that much more?? NO!!!!! Marriage is a title which serves little-to-no purpose, other than future headaches (and from what I'm told, changes in behavioral patterns). Marriage is the accepted principle because it's the "norm". I've got news for ya...the people that make it big are the one's that do NOT follow the norm, instead they think outside the box. Quite frankly, the people that always follow the norm are FOLLOWERS. More often than not, these are the same people which live dull day-to-day lives.

I'm only assuming here, but it looks as if Gonzalez may have learned from some previous mistakes (he has a son from a previous relationship). Tony G, you've started a revolution...and I thank you for it.

If someone can somehow locate some photos of October Russell, feel free to drop us a line at thewincolumn@gmail.com. Your efforts are much appreciated!

Sexual Healing (Continued)

On random occasions, YouTube just will not merge with Blogger when text is included in the body of the YouTube clip. I have no idea why, but it has happened in the past...and I'm sure it will happen again.

Anyways, enough b*tching from me -- when such an incident occurs, my only option is to roll with the punches and follow the YouTube video up with a separate commentary post.

With no further ado, mute your speakers (the song is brutal) and answer me this question...

Visually, where does this video rank in history?? Nurse Beecham, Bubbles, & Bambi...are you kidding me??

Bubble baths, cleavage, booty shorts, lung capacity tests, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and girl-on-girl showers.

I'll say no more -- just watch...

Sexual Healing

Congrats to the Big Hurt on Joining the 500 HR Club

Congratulations to Frank Thomas for hitting his 500th career home run today off Carlos Silva in the first inning of today's game between the Jays and Twins. The Big Hurt also added an RBI double later in the game, and in true fashion, was EJECTED in the 9th inning for arguing a third strike call against Joe Nathan.

Good for you, Big Hurt. Hit your 500th home run and go out of the game in style. I like that. Thomas' career stat line of .303 BA, .423 OBP, and .562 SLG is impressive to say the least. Throw in 4 Silver Slugger Awards, 5 All-Star appearances, and 2 AL MVP's, and Frank Thomas is a first ballot Hall of Famer. Oddly enough, Thomas' 500th home run today came in the Metrodome, the same venue in which he hit his first career home run on August 28, 1990.

Hats off to Frank.

Yo, I Wanna Eat Your Children!

On this day back in 1997 Mike Tyson utterly shocked and amazed the world (yet again) by disqualifying himself in the third round of the Tyson vs. Holyfield II fight by taking a nice healthy bite of Evander's ear. I'm not quite sure where to start with this guy. In my opinion Tyson is probably one of the most entertaining people to watch on the planet. As much as I hate reality TV, if there was a show on 24 hours a day that just followed Iron Mike around I'd probably watch it (by the way, why hasn't this been done yet this is an absolute fool-proof slam dunk). I mean how can this guy still be walking the streets and not have been tossed in the looney bin? Nevermind his comments about wanting to eat children, if any of you were lucky enough to catch the skit on the Jimmy Kimmel Show when Tyson was taking care of his pigeons you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Just knowing that Iron Mike is out there somewhere, mingling with society, makes me both chuckle to myself knowing that he is completely defying all the rules of common sense and reason but also scares the hell out of me because at any point he could pick up a little five year old and take a bite out of his thigh and think nothing of it. So here's to you Mike..."Your style is impetuous and your defense is still impregnable"!!!!!!!!!

This is one of my favorite interviews with Iron Mike where he pulls out all the favorites. One of the best parts of this interaction is the absolutely horrified look on Jim Gray's face when Tyson snaps "What!" at him. Gray doesn't know whether to sh*t himself or just run away as quick as he can. God, just think, Tyson probably does this to people on a daily basis. We need to get this show together.

Orlando

Megan Fox....(Continued)

As a follow up to Chieftain's previous posts about Megan Fox, I wanted to share these shots of this lovely lady.

Final 2007 NBA Mock Draft

The most anticipated NBA Draft in recent memory is upon us (7 PM tonight)!!

Assuming there will be no trades (there will be at least several), I have pegged this draft (in particular, the lottery). But as Bill Simmons has always said, it's exceptionally difficult to assume what the likes of Billy King, Chris Wallace, Kevin McHale, etc. will do when up against the clock. Simply put, NBA general managers are the worst franchise managers in America. Seventy-five percent of NBA GM's are scared, clueless jerkoffs. How have no trades gone down yet???? I mean, 29 teams failed this past season -- thus, 29 teams have obvious team needs to address.

Anyways, the only change I made (with the lottery selections) between last night and now is that I have flip-flopped Al Thornton & Spencer Hawes (#10 and #12, respectively).

1. Portland - Greg Oden, C (make room for him in Springfield -- barring an injury, Oden is a LOCK for the Hall of Fame)
2. Seattle - Kevin Durant, SF (not even in the same stratosphere as Oden)
3. Atlanta - Al Horford, PF (supposedly, Atlanta owners now want Yi...I highly doubt they pass on Horford - they will be crucified)
4. Memphis - Mike Conley, PG (also considering Noah)
5. Boston - Yi Jianlian, PF (praying that Al Horford drops - he won't...Jeff Green & Brewer are the other possibilities, probably in that exact order)
6. Milwaukee - Jeff Green, SF (Conley, Yi, Brewer, & Brandan Wright must also be considered here...if the Mavs trade up to #6, they will likely opt for Corey Brewer)
7. Minnesota - Corey Brewer, SF (if Brewer slides past McHale here, he should be fired by midnight tonight...the ONLY other possibility would be Noah here, thus, messing everything up -- as the Bulls would then likely lean towards Hawes at #9)
8. Charlotte - Brandan Wright, PF (Brandan Wright sucks)
9. Chicago - Joakim Noah, PF (Bulls also love themselves some Yi & Hawes)
10. Sacramento - Al Thornton, SF (can flat-out score...joined with Kevin Martin, this duo will be exciting to watch for many years to come)
11. Atlanta - Acie Law, PG (if pick is kept, this selection SHOULD be a lock...keep in mind, however, Toronto sweats Nick Young)
12. Philadelphia - Spencer Hawes, C (Hawes could go as early as #7, and as late as #16...the Sixers will be hard pressed to pass on Julian Wright here, but I must slot Hawes in somewhere)
13. New Orleans - Thaddeus Young, SF (Nick Young & Julian Wright will also be in the mix here)
14. LA Clippers - Julian Wright, SF (Nick Young makes the most sense here, but I can't fathom leaving Julian Wright out of the lottery -- if Wright slides down to the #14 - #16 range, he's the steal of the draft...no if's, and's, or but's about it)

15. Detroit - Rodney Stuckey, SG (Nick Young & Julian Wright will make it VERY difficult for Dumars to take his infatuation interest...that being Stuckey)
16. Washington - Nick Young, SG (Young possesses an offensive game that lasts for days - would have an immediate impact coming off the bench)
17. New Jersey - Sean Williams, C (everyone in the NBA smokes weed...this pick should be a no-brainer, as Williams is a game-changer...however, I wouldn't be surprised if Williams & Jason Smith swapped draft positions)
18. Golden State - Jason Smith, PF (the Warriors desperately want Yi...and, desperately want to trade Monta Ellis)
19. LA Lakers - Rudy Fernandez, SG (Lakers' brass love him...Crittenton must also be considered here, based on potential alone - if Crittenton is the pick, a future PG battle should ensue between Farmar & Crittenton...a good problem to have)
20. Miami - Javaris Crittenton, PG (Miami wants to trade this pick...if they keep it, they'll likely opt for another guard -- Gabe Pruitt could also be an option here)
21. Philadelphia - Daequan Cook, SG (again, this is a guess...as I'd be shocked if Philly kept all 3 1st Round picks...is it obvious yet how much I enjoyed watching Ohio State run ball this past year?)
22. Charlotte - Tiago Splitter, SF (it's been rumored that he'd enter the NBA Draft for 3 years now, thus, it comes as no surprise that he'll likely play another year in Brazil before making his American debut)
23. New York - Wilson Chandler, SF (bad pick, but there are many rumors which indicate that Isiah has made a "promise" to Chandler here)
24. Phoenix - Marco Bellinelli, SG (everything that I hear about Bellinelli is "silky smooth"...can shoot the pill)
25. Utah - Morris Almond, SG (shouldn't last beyond this pick...Charlotte would be another good destination for Almond, as well as Portland -- if so, Derrick Byars would have to be considered by Utah)
26. Houston - Nick Fazekas, PF (this pick would make the most sense in the entire draft)
27. Detroit - Glen Davis, PF (could be a steal here...but, call me crazy if I'm not sold on the notion of this fat a$$ staying trim)
28. San Antonio - Jared Dudley, SF (as a diehard PC and Big East fan, I hate Dudley -- but let's be honest, he is the exact mold of Ryan Gomes...the Spurs will also be in the mix for Petteri Kopenen, Virginia Tech's Zabian Dowdell, and Pau's brother, Marc Gasol)
29. Phoenix - Petteri Kopenen, PG (only 19 years old...would likely remain overseas to fine tune his skills)
30. Philadelphia - Josh McRoberts, PF (if McRoberts falls this low, the Sixers' brass should run to the podium...especially considering that the Sixers were said to be considering him at #12 overall just a few weeks ago)

Other potential 1st Rounders: Alando Tucker, Derrick Byars, Gabe Pruitt, Aaron Brooks, Marcus Williams, Arron Afflalo, Zabian Dowdell, and Taurean Green (a "hot" name of late)

* I would love to land GABE PRUITT at #32 overall, but don't be overly surprised if you hear the Celtics call STANKO BARAC'S name.

** I love Maryland's DJ Strawberry as a 2nd Round prospect. Yes, I definitely favor lock-down defenders.

*** Here's to hoping recent PC grad, Herbert Hill, lands himself in a favorable position in the 2nd Round.

http://thewincolumn.blogspot.com/2007/06/2007-nba-mock-draft-version-30.html

"The Kobe Video" Has Been Released

By now, I'm sure you've all heard about "The Kobe Video"...the 25 second clip that features Kobe discussing and dissing the Lakers organization with several strangers in a dining parking lot.

The terds over at The Kobe Video have held out a month to release this garbage????

Quite honestly, this video shows me next to nothing (to watch the video in entirety, follow the jump). Huge disappointment!!

http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2007/06/28/the-kobe-video-has-been-released/

UPDATE: Deadspin has located a photo of the supposed "Kobe Video" guys (see top photo above). Yep, herbs!

http://deadspin.com/sports/sure,-we.d-pay-10-bucks-for-their-work/yep-the-kobe-video-guys-are-dorks-273175.php

Anyways, I just caught up on the latest episodes of 'Entourage' last night -- is it me or is that guy on Kobe's left (our right) Billy Walsh???

Lastly, is the red Nike shirt that Kobe is wearing from the Tiger Woods collection?? It's the same shirt that Tiger's newly refined 'guns' unleashed upon the sporting world (at the US Open) just a few weeks back.

For Those That Like Cans, I Present Keeley Hazell

Words can't describe the fun I'd have with these fun bags. I'd motorboat the hell out of them, among other unmentionable acts that I'm sure all you perverts are probably thinking as well.

Due to a loss of blood running to my brain...enjoy. Horrayyyyy boobies!!!!!!

When In Doubt.........

You sign Shea Hillenbrand to address your problem at first base????????

According to Newsday this morning, the Yankees are hard after former Angels first baseman/DH Shea Hillenbrand.

Hold on, let me let this out loud..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.

Shea Hillenbrand is a stiff, bum, c*nt.....and not in that specific order. He could also be called a bum, c*nt, stiff, or a c*nt, stiff, bum. Holy $hit Yankees, you are getting really desperate. This guy is a club house cancer.

.254 AVG, a whopping 3 HR's, 22 RBI's, and 19 runs scored for an Angels team that generally scores a decent amount of runs. But just like he's done in every city his blond pubes have taken him, Shea gave us his best "wahhhhhhhh, wahhhhhh, I don't get enough playing time and now I want out of here....wahhhhhhhhhhh wahhhhhhhh."

Hey Shea, go f*ck yourself. You left Boston like a little b*tch, pissin' and moaning until they basically had to escort you and your collection of gay porn out onto Yawkee Way. You are a career .285 hitter.....with a pathetic .322 lifetime OBP, and an even bigger abortion with a lifetime .442 slugging percentage. In layman's terms.....you friggin' suck buddy. You should go back to roping cattle and getting weird with sheep and goats on your ranch. You belong on the bench wherever you go, hence the fact that you pick splinters out of your a$$ in each city your miserable self ends up in. So go eat some Gerber Graduates and take a nappy.

Good looks on the possible pickup, Yanks. Wow.

Your Daily Shawn Kemp Fix

As reported by the Associated Press...

Any look at the life of Bobby Cutts, Jr. has to include the women and children in it. His oldest daughter, Taylor, was born out of wedlock to a girlfriend in 1997. A younger daughter, Breonna, was born to another woman in 2001, shortly before Cutts married her. His son, 2-year-old Blake, was born to girlfriend Jessie Davis while Cutts was separated from his wife. Relatives say Cutts and Davis were due to have another daughter, Chloe, early next month. But now Cutts is accused of murdering Davis and the unborn girl. … Cutts and Nikki Giavasis, Taylor’s mother, met while attending nearby Walsh University. Taylor has lived with Giavasis for most of her life in California, but Cutts challenged the custody arrangement in 2005. … Susan Hulit Burns, Taylor’s court-appointed guardian, said she was bothered by how often Giavasis switched apartments and daycare providers, questioning the effect on Taylor. She said she was also bothered that Cutts “conceived a child during his separation” from his wife, according to a June 2006 court filing. In 1998, Cutts was accused of breaking into Giavasis’ home while she was inside with former NBA player Shawn Kemp of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cutts pleaded no contest to a disorderly conduct charge and was sentenced to three years’ probation.

Nothing all that interesting here - only that this story cements the fact that all baby momma drama always comes back to the King of it all...Shawn Kemp. Ladies and gentlemen, lock your doors tonight because it's official...Mr. Kemp will drink and bang ANYTHING.

No truth to the rumor that both Cutts and Kemp were/are part of the "Spur Posse". Never heard of the "Spur Posse"?? The "Spur Posse" was a group of high school boys from Lakewood, California, (many of them top high school athletes) who used a point system to keep track of and compare their sexual conquests. The group came to national attention on March 18, 1993, when police arrested a number of the members for various sexual crimes.

On second thought, our own Simply Suds has become the modern day Shawn Kemp.

KABOOM

First off, I apologize for being MIA for so long, but I thought everyone else was posting better sh*t than I could, so I just enjoyed being a spectator. Second, wow, how 'bout them Yanks. Clemens???? He was supposed to help save your miserable season. I remember a post when Chieftain claimed that their staff would be unstoppable.

Wang

Pettitte

Clemens

Mussina

Hughes

WOW!!!!! Unreal. How can this staff be stopped?

I realize that f*cking with Chieftain has become too obvious on this site, but I still feel the need. This staff is doing just about as well as Rod Beck would be doing (sorry, too soon?). However, take a look at the numeros...

Mussina: 3-5, 4.98 ERA

Pettitte: 4-5, 3.24 ERA (not a bad ERA at all, but aren't the Yanks supposed to be offensive powerhouses?)

Clemens: 1-3!!!!! 5.32 ERA!!!!!! (HAHAHAHAHA)

You have got to be kidding me. This is the team that Chieftain has been touting this whole year? I'll give you Wang as a decent pitcher, even though his 7-4 record is par at best. Hughes may be good enough to be a legit pitcher in this league (if he gets healthy), but you need a lot more than that from your pitching staff.

Let me break it down for you this way...the Yanks need to win EVERY SINGLE 3 game series 2-1, and split their remaining 4 game series (obviously 2-2) to win 93 games this year. 93 games will not get them into the playoffs. They are in desperation mode. Goodbye Yanks. It's been fun.

Let's Find Bigfoot First!

According to CNN.com...

Researchers will visit Michigan's Upper Peninsula next month to search for evidence of the legendary creature known as "Bigfoot" or "Sasquatch." The expedition will focus on eastern Marquette County, said Matthew Moneymaker of the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. "We'll be looking for evidence supporting a presence... We hope to meet local people who might have seen a Sasquatch or heard of someone else who had an encounter," Moneymaker told the Daily Press of Escanaba.

Wow, a real life manhunt for the real Sasquatch?????? Sounds like something our loyal readers (and those that wish we'd die in our sleep) would be into. I personally think that there are Bigfoots roaming the woods in all of our local forests. I also think they slipped roofies into my drinks at woods parties in high school, and made me lay down in hay with unattractive women. I can personally vouch for a few Sasquatches that myself, The Commodore, and Nightmare have brought home during a college drinking binge. I think we should all buy tons of Bigfoot costumes and freak the f*ck out of these jerkoffs that are looking for Harry and the Henderson's. Seriously, like Bigfoot wouldn't have been caught yet? As far as I'm concerned...whatever that kid shot in Arkansas with his BB gun is as close to Sasquatch as it gets. That thing was a god damn hairy whale roaming the earth. There's no way Bigfoot could out-smart us. He may beat the snot out of us and try to do anal, but unfortunately some of you deserve that. Carry on.