Fighting Puke This Lovely Morning

Alright, so maybe someone had to drive my car home from the concert last night....I don't really see any problem with this. One, I was loaded...so obviously I shouldn't be driving....and two, I just saw one of the greatest concerts I've ever seen in my life. Oh and three.....getting text messages from all you mutts with live updates and scores regarding the Sox beating the choke artist Yankees.....much love for that.

So rather than write a post about my concert, or the Sox/Yanks game....I'm just gonna go vomit excessively, then drive 13 seconds down the road in a cold sweat to get off on a mocha madness iced coffee from Honey Dew. Hopefully the girl serving me the coffee will be of legal age, and won't mind that today I feel like driving my car with no pants on.

Lock of the Day (1-0): Minnesota Twins (-125) at the KC Royals. Boof Bonser's a stud, get on the Boof Bandwagon, and ride it until you go limp.

Clickety, Clank, Clickety, Clank....Money goes in to Your Piggy Bank

Since I haven't placed a bet in well over 2 months....and the gambling Gods chirp in my ear on a daily basis for me to place a small wager, or a whacker....I've decided to provide the world with some insight on my sure thing "winner winner chicken dinner" of the day. I honestly hope some of you listen to my advice, bet a decent amount of money on it, and lose. But that's only because I'm a spiteful prick.

Cleveland Indians (-177) over the D Rays tonight in Tampa. C.C. Sabathia is pitching against Edwin Jackson tonight. That's all you really need to know. Jackson is horrible....I'm talkin I'd rather have Mohammed Ali on the mound doin' the hippy-hippy shake. The guy has an ERA over 8, and he only has 4 strikeouts in 2 starts. In fact, the Indians might score double digit runs tonight....their lineup is filthy. "Pronk" Hafner will go deep tonight...once in the ball game, and once again at at night club on the Tampa strip.

Take the Indians....it's a lock.

A Rivalry Renewed

Because I have Dave Matthews blaring loud enough to make my 91 year old neighbor keel over and die....I'd like to get re-focused on my favorite 19 games of the year -- whenever the Red Sox play those ankle grabbin' pooh jabbahs from the Boogie Down Bronx. I know AROD is having a ridiculous year....good for him. I'm sure Chieftain will bore us with stats and I love AROD propaganda....but Simply Suds is a man of the people....and those people think that AROD is still a lip gloss wearing, prancing nancy choke artist. Wow, AROD is having a great April....say that sentence again....it's F'n April. As in, the first 3 weeks of the season.....so, I really don't give a damn. When he's bootin' balls and throwin' up 0-fers in September/October....then we'll all breathe a sigh of relief as he smacks his lips in disgust at third base. I'd be willing to bet the only 3rd base he plays is with Melky Cabrera....they both look like they'd get weird with each other.

So tonight, it's Big Schill vs. Andy Pettitte. Call me crazy, but Pettitte's stuff just doesn't impress me. I know the Red Sox traditionally have trouble with decent lefty pitching....but, I have to think in the atmosphere around the park tonight, the Sox smack Pettitte around early and often. No way Schilling lets the boys down tonight. Plus, we have to remember that Manny is about to go on one of his tears and even out his numbers for April.....I bet he can't wait for that 88 MPH inside fastball that he's going to crush all the way to Tequila Rain. Get it done tonight fellas, and set the tone for the weekend. We have our 3 studs pitching, while the Yankees "studs" are at home nursing their vag's back to good health. Yankees suck.

Paid for by the committee to elect Alex Cora as the Boston Red Sox every day 2nd baseman.

11 Hours Until I Scream Like a High School Girl

This is a monumental day for me. Granted, I've been to about 25 Dave Matthews Band concerts, ingested an unbelievable amount of drugs at a few shows, and probably drank about 671 beers and 100% blacked out at about 6 or 7 shows....but, that all changes tonight. I'm staying completely sober, as I sit with goo-goo eyes, 15 rows from Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds acoustic at the Wang Theater. Did you just friggin' hear me? Maybe if you wiped the 6 pounds of wax out of your gross ears, you'd better understand what I just said. Acoustic. Acoustic. Acoustic in an intimate setting of a 3,000 seat theater. All I want to do is caress the face of a 19 year old female college student and listen to unreal jams. I don't really give a damn if you people don't like Dave Matthews....and honestly, I could care less about any of you. Today is all about me. I'm having a selfish day. You're not ok with that? I hope you get the stomach flu and crap and puke at the same time....because you're a miserable human.

It's me and you tonight, Dave.....I'm starting to think that I will be enjoying some of God's fine green that was put on this earth to listen to acoustic concerts. I just want to apologize for the amount of times I scream the names of various songs to you, as you tune your guitar. And would it kill some young attractive female to just walk up to me and tounge the hell out of me tonight? Once you go Simply Suds you never go back. Oh wait, it's...Once you go Simply Suds, you'll never come back....because your bed is soaked and you probably kicked me out. Yah, that's the one.

Mr. Matthews and Mr. Reynolds, toca la guitarra. God I wish I still did drugs.

Harness the Good, Block the Bad

I'm a firm believer in the game of baseball....America's pastime. There is a certain decor that the game is played with...that I just love. Some of the same principles of 1900 are applied to today's game...and I love the way that teammates are still willing to protect each other with "unwritten" rules of the game.

Can we rewind to Thursday's dramatic win over the Blue Jays? Sure, I wasn't working and I was watching the game at 3 pm.....eat crap, pal. But seriously...what happened in the 8th and 9th innings was some of the most exciting Red Sox baseball that I've seen in almost a year....or, at least since Big Papi owned Faustano Carmona and the Indians at Fenway last summer.

Very quickly, I'd like to mention the mammoth shot that Manny hit to tie the game. I mean....what an unbelievable clutch hit...and it was about time. Manny was due...Manny saw the ball...Manny hit the ball....and he'll do it 40 more times just like that.

Now....lets move on...'cuz there is something very important here. With 1 out and runners on 1st and 3rd...a ground ball to Timlin....he throws to Cora at second, who turns the game-changing double play. Unreal play. Cora was perfect. But you know what...what happens during this play still makes me want to fight the next teenager to drive down my street with his base box blaring. Lyle Overbay is clearly going to be out at 2nd...but what does he do? A classy ballplayer follows the rules and gets out of the way....but Lyle decides it would be ok to just run 5 feet out of the basepath and try and take out Alex Cora's knee. Like, real hard. He tried to ruin Cora's career with one homosexual slide. It was malicious, it was disgusting, and I think that if I were Alex Cora, I would have beaten the absolute cock snot out of Lyle Overbay. It's a complete horse$hit play, from a bush league player. What goes around comes around Lyle. Your name is friggin; weak, too, pal. Go compose a country song and stuff a sock in your drawers to make up for your 4 incher.

Cora was visibly heated....thus, he had to be calmed down by Terry Francona prior to his next at bat. But with Lugo (pinch running) on first....Cora channeled his anger and determination and absolutely drilled a triple to left center. Upon his arrival at 3rd base, he still had to be calmed down by DeMarco Hale. Cora was still furious at Overbay, and it is soooooooo justfied. Dirty plays like that, have no place in a game like Baseball.

Hey Alex....if I wasn't blacked out right now...I'd cheers to you buddy. But right now, I'm fighting the puke monster, and he's winning......big time. But I'll tell you what...you showed me a lot today. I really felt your pain on that bush league slide, because I consider myself a pretty decently knowledgable fan of the game. You overcame that, and you got the Sox a ridiculously important win....and everyone saw what you did. You're a hero today...and I hope you get a spot in the starting lineup this weekend against the New York Queers. I respect you a whole hell of a lot. I hope you got laid tonight....and I hope you popped 6 Viagra and got it done in Toronto until the glow sticks went out.

Eat Your Hat or Your Friggin Hippy Albums

Dude, if there is one thing that this blog needs to realize...it's that Simply Suds does not lie. Those of you that know me....go to my myspace page and look at the girls that left comments about being at my house 2 nights ago.....oh, and guess what faggots....tonight too....in fact....they are still here. Why am I typing this when there is absolute smoke shows upstairs????? 'Cuz I can, you worthless pieces of crap. There's a new Sheriff in town. And "Diesel".....like I said....look that up on myspace. And then for the world and all the hippies that haven't washed their grundle since Phish stopped touring......suck my balls.....Mr. Garrison.

You lose. Simply Suds wins.

It's not my fault these girls are this hot......it's just not. Sucka.

I'm Calling Foul

I think I speak on behalf of The Win Column readers when I call foul on the previous post referring to Drinko. Don't get me wrong, I love playing drinking games with hot chicks. I just find it hard to believe that 'Simply Suds' was rolling with 10-12 hotties that may or may not have been in Maxim/Playboy. First of all, 10-12 smoking hot chicks partying on a Wednesday night only happens in two places.......porn and Brazil (see above). Secondly, I'm sure the "I can't believe I'm getting this drunk" line was thrown out there a few times, but I'm inclined to think it was said by this chick with their arms wrapped around the toilet seconds before she passed out at the bar. 'Simply Suds'...if this is a true story I'll eat my hat.

Slut of The Playground

Angelina Jolie reportedly said that she used to strip and make-out with boys in Kindergarten.

She said, "I was a member of a group called the Kissy Girls. I was very sexual in kindergarten. I created a game where I would kiss the boys and give them cooties. Then we would make out and we would take our clothes off. I got in a lot of trouble!"

Jolie continued to tell OK! Magazine that sex became boring as a young girl and she needed to take it to the next level.

She said, "I had started having sex with my boyfriend and the sex and the emotions didn't feel enough. I was no longer a little girl. In a moment of wanting to feel closer to my boyfriend I grabbed a knife and cut him. He cut me back. We had an exchange of something and we were covered in blood, my heart was racing. Then whenever I felt trapped, I'd cut myself. I have a lot of scars. It was an age when I felt adventurous and after a few beers things happened."

...ok, where do I start? First off, I really want to side with Jolie on this one (because of how incredibly gorgeous she is -- and those DSL's...oh, my good Lord - those DSL's) -- but, no matter how hard I try to twist her words...I can't. I'm quite sure that Angelina Jolie may be the freakiest female in America...in the sheets. However, unlike 'Simply Suds', there are certain things that I don't condone when it comes to getting laid. Consider getting slashed with a knife one of the them. Call me crazy!

...lastly, this is the same woman whom has, essentially, adopted children from every third world nation there is. Along with Brad Pitt, she has developed her own Hollywood orphanage. Something does not give -- Jolie's above quotes indicate just how screwed up of a childhood she endured, yet she now adopts toddlers at an exponential rate. How is Jolie going to cope when these kids become "kindergartners," themselves?? I can already see the E! True Hollywood Story...

I Love Attractive Young Females

I do, I really do. Last night, I had about 11 smoking hot young ladies in my kitchen. They were all from the next town over....which in my mind...makes them all even hotter. In case you all think I'm kidding....one of them supposedly modeled for Playboy....and another models for Maxim....so, you can all eat my ass. I'm talkin' top of the line here....and thus, the reason for my post.....and the reason I got soooooooooooooooooo drunk last night.

Drinko. Chicks love it, guys hate it.

Sure....maybe it seems a little gay....but let me assure you....the ladies love Drinko. I was getting text messages yesterday around noon from the lovely ladies that wanted to play. I mean, it's Plinko...minus the pervert Bob Barker....but add shots. Doesn't sound fun? What are you, a goddamn Nazi? Anne Frank would have given her left arm to play this game. I swear to the heavenly father above that girls cannot get enough of this game. "I can't believe I'm getting this drunk" was said about 100 times from the absolute most ridiculously hot girl I've ever seen in my life. Granted...she didn't, and would probably never, hook up with me.....but....she's still dope.....and in my estimation.....that's what life is all about. Welcome to Hawaii....C'mon, I wanna lay ya.

Mr. Guy Aggressive....No Bueno

Let me tell you straight up.......when all else fails....and you're about to go down in flames......the patented "I like you" move.....that used to be money in high school........does not....i repeat....does not work anymore. I mean.....this girl looked at me as if I had a "diversity works" sign imprinted on my forehead. Believe me....I couldn't believe that the words came out of my mouth....but I was desperate. I was getting beat by a friggin' duckbill platapuss.....I had to do it. I think I might have asked the girl to marry me, too.......which is obviously a definite no-no too daffy. Today, I feel like I should bury my head in sand, while the entire world throws snowballs at my ass. God, the things we'll do for love. Stop looking at me swan.

Was Imus Right...After All?

Per the Associated Press...

Rutgers women's basketball coach C. Vivian Stringer has signed a deal to write a book about her life, set to be published next year. The book, tentatively titled "Stepping Up and Standing Tall,'' is scheduled to be released by Crown Books in the first half of 2008.

Stringer and her players were the focus of a nationwide debate on race and gender over the last two weeks after derogatory remarks directed at them by syndicated radio host Don Imus, who was eventually fired by CBS. The remarks were made after Rutgers' 59-46 loss to Tennessee in the national championship game on April 3.

Team members spoke on national television several times, including an appearance on Oprah Winfrey's show last Thursday.

Stringer, 59, began working on a book proposal last year, basketball team spokeswoman Stacey Brann said, though negotiations with Crown did not start until last week. The amount of Stringer's advance for the book was not disclosed.

Ok, let me get this straight...so, the entire Rutgers basketball met with Don Imus last week to set the record straight. Since then, not a single team member has said a word about the incident?? Mind you, the entire team spoke extremely openly and candidly just last week whenever a tape recorder was put in their face(s).

Something is wrong here, as my intuition tells me that someone on the Rutgers basketball team would have said something by now. Unless, of course...the team has now been instructed by Coach Stringer to keep everything (which went on behind closed doors) secret?? How dare I infer such a thing...

If this is the case -- and, if Stringer plans to personally profit from her "tell-all" book...then the world will know whom was/is, indeed, the real "nappy headed ho"...

This entire ordeal was ridiculous. Don Imus made a living off making similar comments for 30+ years. If he were to be fired, it should have been because his ratings had been plummeting - not because of an off-the-cuff comment made via live radio.

And this is just my opinion...but, Stringer has been playing the country like fools for the past week-and-a-half. This has been one gigantic marketing ploy - and this new book deal only further cements this notion. If Stringer was actually offended by Imus' comments, then her publication earnings should be given a charity of good cause. Instead, Imus has made Stringer into a public figure overnight -- and Stringer has her hands cupped for more greed.

After all, wasn't it Snoop whom described a "ho" as someone "that's trying to get a n*gga for his money"? How is this scenario any different??

In conclusion, when will the day come that we (as a world) view situations as simply right and wrong...rather than black and white??

Houston Nutt: Football Coach or Stalker?

Arkansas football head coach Houston Nutt's cell phone records indicate that he sent TV reporter, Donna Bragg, 1,063 text messages between November 30, 2006 and January 11, 2007 -- including one just 19 minutes before kickoff of the Capital One Bowl.

1,063 TEXT MESSAGES OVER A SPAN OF 43 DAYS!!!! That is nearly 25 text messages sent to a single individual per day. Unbelievable! And, the best part...Houston Nutt is married (his wife's name is Diana) -- but, not to Donna Bragg.

In his defense, Nutt has said the following:

"My communications with Ms. Bragg have concerned her work as a professional fundraiser for a non-profit organization dedicated to providing services to the developmentally disabled, her insights regarding the media, words of condolence and support regarding the loss of my mother-in-law after her battle with cancer, and information relating to her close friend who was diagnosed with cancer."

Is he serious with this response??? This guy is a joke - on and off the field (if it weren't for Darren McFadden, Nutt would already be out of a job).

But it gets even better -- as Diana Nutt (his wife) released the following statement:

"I have lost track of the false allegations against Houston and the number of resignation/firing deadlines that have come and gone ... And no, Houston has not had an affair with [Fort Smith news anchor] Donna Bragg! Houston has always been a man of very high morals and integrity. He has always been the best father and husband and has strong Christian values! I think it is pathetic that I am even having to address issues like this."

As you can see, Diana's head is clearly in the clouds! Step one...denial.

What is it with Arkansas higher-ups (see Bill Clinton)? As the saying goes, "the entree always tastes better with something on the side."

Greeny's NBA Draft Proposal

(Picture is property of ESPN)

As the NBA nears the playoffs, there is a buzz around the league. In most media circles though, the buzz is not about the balls being tipped to open up the 2007 playoffs, but instead the buzz is around the lottery balls churning to see who gets what pick in this years lottery draft.

With two legitimate franchise players in Greg Oden and Kevin Durant, there is an extremely strong incentive for non-playoff teams to do everything they can to land one of these "game changing" players.

Under the current NBA rules, the easiest way to get the best chance of landing one of these two players, that undoubtedly will change the course of your franchise, is to, ironically, lose the most games as possible. In the media, speculation is abound that some teams, our hometown Celtics being the main culprit, are losing games on purpose to get more of those beloved ping-pong balls.

The rules are this...the team with the worst record in the regular season gets the most balls, the team with the second worst record gets the second most balls and so on (you get the point). This, undoubtedly, is a full attack against the integrity of the NBA - but under the current rules, can you really blame teams who are not going to make the playoffs, to attempt to drastically improve their team?

Mike Greenberg from ESPN, on the Mike and Mike syndicated radio show, came up with a new system that will restore the integrity of the game by improving bad teams, but also creating an incentive to win.

Greeny's proposal is for the team with the MOST wins that does not make the playoffs gets the first pick (no ping-pong balls). The team with the second best record that does not qualify for the playoffs gets the second pick, and on-down to the team with the worst regular season record getting the 14th pick. Under this system, the Celtics would get the 13th pick of the draft, but surely would have fought a little harder for wins during the course of the season to improve their chances of getting an impact player.

Vote yes on the "Greeny" proposal. I think it is the best possible way to improve bad teams through the draft (they still have the ability to improve via free agency), but also repair the integrity of the game as no team should have incentives to ever lose.

Mirabelli is the Balls!

I'm happier than a fat kid at Old Country Buffet. I just saw Doug Mirabelli hit a B-O-M-B thats somewhere over the mid-Atlantic by now.

A .333 average with 2 HR and 4 RBI (in 3+ starts) might not dazzle the critics, but his timely hitting and vast array of intangibles make Mirabelli arguably the best back-up catcher in baseball. Get this guy more AB's!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where's the Lunkers At?

Dave Masters, of Bixby, recently caught the third largest bass recorded in Oklahoma. The lunker tipped the scales at 14 pounds, 8.5 ounces. Below that, Clinton Sumner of California reeled in this 16 pound, 13 ounce absolute friggin monster Largemouth Bass in April 2000.

Looking at these fish make me want to punch myself in the face until I pass out. I've been fishing religiously since the age of 5....and the biggest largemouth bass I've ever caught is just over 4 1/2 pounds.....and that only happened once....most of the bass I catch are around or under 2 pounds. What the F?!?!?!? Where the hell do these monsters hide? I know they exist in Massachusetts....the state record of 12 lbs was caught a couple of miles from where I grew up.

What am I doing wrong? It's not the skill or technique....I mean, how hard is it to use live bait? Hook the goddamn thing and throw it out there....even a complete boob job could figure that out. I've caught enormous stripers before....but I am looking for the ultimate fresh water prize to add to my resume. These photos make me furious. I'd be willing to sucker punch either one of these losers for their fish. These guys probably banged their fish. They look like sick bastards. Damn pervs.

My Issue With Smug Toddlers

My first day of work has been rain delayed 2 hours to 10:30am EST due to inclimate weather, thus I am able to provide you losers with some more thoughts from my warped brain. So enjoy, piss ants.

Toddlers....what the hell is your problem? Seriously. And I'd just like to point out that I would love to have kids some day....maybe even three of the little bastards.....but why do infants have to be so damn smug? At first, they sleep, cry, and crap/piss. Although that might sound like a typical day in the life of some of the awful humans reading this blog....that's a pretty easy life. They don't even have to walk anywhere....or feed themselves. I think that's crap. I think toddlers should learn that the first rule of living in this polluted world....is that there's no such thing as a free lunch. Hey toddler....you want your binky? Give me 5 push ups and 5 up downs. Ohhhh...you're hungy? Guess what....I'm not doing that stupid airplane with your gerber graduates into your mouth. Go outside and wrestle with some live animals for your dinner. And if you lose to the squirrel over by the oak tree.....guess who's sleeping in the driveway tonight. That's right poopy pants.

Then I'd like to focus my final example of "smugism" to the ripe ol' age we like to call "the terrible two's." You know the age....where everything you said is met with a nice dose of "NO!" Followed by kicking, screaming, and temper tantrums. I honestly have no idea how I will deal with this stage of my son or daughter's life.....unless they realize that when I grit my teeth, I usually mean business. It's like my eyes turn red like Scott Howard drawing a foul from Mick in Teen Wolf. You're two years old, you don't know a god damn thing.....and you're going to tell me no? 100 foot fires on the spot. And if you don't like that.....the next time you say no, we'll be running hills at the high school until the leaves change color.

It's time that parents take back their lives, and stop allowing kids to be so damn smug. The baby boomers did a pretty good job of raising a generation of tough pricks. Our kids are probably going to be as soft as grapes. Although I hope my son runs a 40 yard dash in under 4.6 and bench presses 225 for 25 reps.....or he's dead to me.

Work is for the Birds

This morning, I take my first step back into the working ring since November 11th. I plan on landscaping for 8 hours today in the freezing cold drizzle - and, hopefully, I don't catch SARS or any other of the viruses you all wish I catch.

So F all of you, 'cause me and all my brothers above are going to scape the hell out of some land - and, hopefully, wolf down about 56 steak 'n cheese subs for lunch. Keep talkin'....and I'll even throw an egg 'n cheese on a sesame bagel down my fat throat before I even hit the job site....hell, I might even swallow it whole.

See you in the trenches, fellow workers. Enjoy your miserable, worthless days that you call your lives.

NBA Ref Given a Technical

Joey Crawford has officiated in over 2,000 NBA games spanning an amazing 29 seasons. However, today he was given a season ending suspension for his actions towards Spurs center Tim Duncan over the weekend. Duncan was given his second T of the game after laughing on the bench at one of Crawford's calls....which seems about right to me. However, not only did he give Duncan (who's about as emotional as a person in a vegetative state) the boot....he looked Timmy D right in the eye, and asked him twice "Do you want to fight?"

Ummmm....huh? Dude, you're about 5'5" with old wrinkly balls. It's not like you're giving a technical to Rasheed Wallace or some other friggin' punk....we're talking about Tim Duncan.....possibly the role model for how a professional basketball player should carry themselves. Imagine if he had proposed a fight to Sheed, or Ron Artest? This old bastard would have been choked out and had a heart attack in about 10 seconds. I honestly think Tim Duncan should have punched this loser in his fat head. The last thing we need is officials joining the NBA players to show each other who's got the bigger jock. T the guy up if you want, but show a little class. You're lucky you didn't break your hip, old man. In fact, you're a jerkoff. You look like a smug prick to me, and I'd probably mouth off to you in a game situation, too. It's not my fault you need to pop Viagra to get it on with your elderly wife. Life sucks buddy, people get old....deal with it.

Consider Me Irked

While I'm home packing for my upcoming week of pleasure in Vegas, I've obviously had more time to channel surf than usual. Truth be told, my time home today has been quite uneventful - as I've continuously flipped between ESPN, CNN, MTV, HBO, TBS (Steve Harvey Show is supremely underrated), and back to ESPN (over-and-over-and-over).

Anyways, how the hell is John Clayton an NFL analyst?? Not only does he define the term, "having a face for radio"...but, there's no way he's ever put a pad on (at any level). Secondly, my research tells me that his real name is Johan Clayton. Whaaaaat?? Name one other Caucasian American with the name Johan. You can't.

For years, I have wondered how "The Professor" slipped through the cracks...and landed himself a primetime gig at ESPN. I always figured that he must have dominated his internships, all while cruising through the Ivy League school of his choice. But no...he attended Duquesne University! Don't get me wrong...this is no knock on Duquesne, for it may very well be a reputable institution. However, my main point is that the ONLY way a mug like Clayton's should ever see the light of day is if he somehow earned enough money to one day purchase his own television channel. Johan Clayton is a walking corpse for crying out loud!

Carry on...

Guys Gone Wussy

Joe Francis is a complete boob job. This guy founded Mantra Films Inc., which produces the famous GIRLS GONE WILD films which earn an estimated $100 million in net profit every year. He has private jets, and stupid amounts of cash.....more money than I could ever ask for. But this guy is behind bars....instead of laying on a Cabo beach surrounded by 45 beautiful babes. Apparently he thought it would be ok to drug and rape women for his videos and self-amusement. Dude, you're a complete scumbag.....you can't get chicks with all that money you have? That's ridiculous. Switch lives with me for one week and I'd be frolicking on a beach in the Caribbean with Jessica Alba during the day, and hittin' the clubs with Emmanuelle Chriqui at night. Seriously though, it's little bitchezzz like this that make me furious.

Now that it's taken me some time to get to my point, due to the tangent I just went on....I'd like to announce that this sissy boy recently cried to his mommy from behind bars. Waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa.....I didn't do it mommy....waaaaaaaaa......get my blanky so I can go nunn-night. Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of spending a few nights in the clink myself.....but, I can assure you the only complaining I did was due to the fact that my Dad crushed my forehead with his bear claws in my cell, all while my hands were still cuffed behind my back. I didn't cry. There's no crying in jail....unless Bubba tells you to bend over in the shower....then, by all means cry like you just had your lunch money stolen.

Joey Boy....you're gonna be behind bars until your lawyers use your bajillion dollars to get you out. So why don't you save the tissues and all the antics, and spare what tiny amount of dignity a raping scumbag like you has. Just remember, don't drop the soap....or you'll find out why you never made a movie like "Inmates Gone Wild."

A Large Pepperoni Pizza Cooked Well Done

Wow, I literally sat 100 feet away from one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. This is an absolute riot. I wished this took place next to my seat so I could have enjoyed as big of a laugh as the Rem Dawg and Don Orsillo had yesterday. We had slow motion replays of the pizza trajectory....vivid analysis of the pizza throwing technique.....this is pure gold. Can you imagine being hit in the face with a slice of pizza? I grit my teeth every time some muscle head bumps into me at Game On. You have to stick up for yourself in that spot. That kid deserved to be thrown into a whirlwind of righty nighties and loose lefties. Even if the kid is tougher than you, don't go down like that buddy. Your neck is full of marinara and three cheese blends. Check your seeds buddy. The entire country is laughing at you today, and you look like the jerk....while the pizza thrower is a local hero.

This is unbelievable. Orsillo and Remy disect this for 3 minutes (see below link).

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oOZm8gUdr-Y

The Fantasy Team Killer

Alfonso Soriano really chaps my a$$. After selecting him with the 9th pick of one of my drafts....I was certain I had the steal of the draft....a 5-tool player who would anchor my lineup and score a $hitload of points....well....that was just not correct. Soriano through today has ZERO home runs....one stolen base, and one RBI. That's heinous. I seriously think that the guy that won the wheelchair portion of the Boston Marathon yesterday could have better numbers than this scrub.

And, just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse......pop goes the hammy. Do these guys stretch or what? Everyone has blown out their hammy already......what a bunch of sally's. In his defense Soriano said, "Yes, I don't like to get hurt," when asked if he's worried. "I know that I'm not going to be able to play tomorrow, so it's sad for me because ... I like to play every day. We'll see how I look tomorrow." Wow....you might as well just go back to the Dominican Republic, buddy. I am sick of looking at your ugly mug putting up 0-4's with a caught stealing. You're a stiff. You got paid, and now you're just walking around Chicago with your pants unbuttoned. Did I mention you are just an awful ugly bastard?

Go hang out with Pedro under the mango trees and come back when you're ready to contribute.

Two Legs is Better than One

This morning, I saw the clip of Heather Mills inevitably hitting the floor in the latest episode of "Dancing with the Stars".

Now normally, this would be no laughing matter -- as Mills now wears a prosthetic leg. But, I must admit that I chuckled while watching this clip. Why? Because Heather Mills is a different story...after all, has there ever been a bigger gold digger? A part of me believes that she deserves to be taken down a couple "pegs".

After writing this post, I'm now on my way to church...

Tragedy Hits Home for David Wright

According to the Star-Ledger (the second photo is of the identified psycho, Cho Seung-Hui)...

It took a few hours, but David Wright was finally able to track down his brother, Stephen, yesterday afternoon.

Stephen Wright, 21, is an engineering student at Virginia Tech, where a gunmen killed more than 30 people on campus yesterday morning before turning the gun on himself in the deadliest shooting rampage in U.S. history.

With a game here against the Phillies scheduled for last night, the Mets third baseman said he slept in yesterday and, when he awoke, turned on the TV and learned what had happened in Blacksburg, Va.

"Your heart kind of skips a beat a little bit," Wright said after last night's game at Citizens Bank Park was rained out and rescheduled for June 29 as part of a day-night doubleheader.

The eldest of four brothers who were raised in Chesapeake, Va., the 24-year-old Wright said he couldn't get through to Stephen's cell phone but did get through to another brother, Matthew, a freshman at James Madison University, immediately after seeing what had happened on television. Matthew had already spoken to their mother, who had spoken to Stephen, who let her know that he was all right.

"It was kind of scary as a family member seeing what was going on," David Wright said. "He's all right but it was scary turning on the TV and seeing a shooting at a school. Any school. But especially one that your brother is at."

After several dropped calls and voice mails that went unanswered, Wright said he spoke to his brother at about 2 p.m., nearly five hours after the last of the shootings.

A senior, Stephen Wright lives in an apartment -- David said he was unsure whether it is on campus or off -- and takes some of his classes at Norris Hall, the engineering building where the second round of killings took place.

David Wright, who spoke to his brother only briefly because it was so difficult to get through, said he was uncertain whether Stephen was actually on campus at the time of the shootings.

"It's one of the buildings he has class in," he said. "One of the main engineering buildings. I think he has a class in that building later in the day. I'm not 100 percent sure."

"He's shaken up," Wright said. "He's trying to call his friends to make sure that everybody he thought might be there is okay."

While Wright is a National League All Star who signed a 6-year, $55-million contract extension last season, he sounded a little in awe of his brother's intelligence. He gave a blank stare when asked what branch of engineering his brother was majoring in.

"He's extremely smart," he said. "One day I'll be working for him."

A Thirst for Life, Love, and Happiness

I recently had an awakening.....like Robert DeNiro when he shiverred all over that movie. I decided that Simply Suds had a calling in life....a real mission. I'd like to announce this to the world. I am throwing my hat into the ring of life that is...the working world. I'm going to be a teacher. Sure, that might mean I pissed away a 120K degree in finance/economics to fight 8th graders....but who gives a damn. I'm gonna teach smut to the world....and then ruin some kids day by being an absolute dickhead of a coach as soon as the bell rings. Too tired to do up/downs? Too dehydrated to hit that popsicle sled? Did you really just miss the cut off man in outfielder drills? Guess what you smug little 16 yr old prick. You might have a smokin hot girlfriend that you drill all the time in your parent's basement....but when you are on my watch.....I want you to pretend like this is Hoover High. Carpe Diem. Seize the day you ungrateful bastard. Cuz when you are 25 years old....you'll wish you could do a brake stand in the high school parking lot in your 1989 Chevy Blazer while listening to Dave Matthews Jimi Thing.......all while realizing you're half man, half god.

Over the Top

Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love. Lincoln Hawk is an absolute monster in this film. Look at that goddamn grip for fu*ks sake. Stallone would crush a toddler's binky if he had the opportunity. Sammy Hagar rocks the movie with countless tracks that make me wanna smear $hit on my baby face cheeks. What an American classic. Nothing says you have absolute seeds in your drawers more than arm wrestling. It's like being at my middle school Olympics again and seeing two huge beasts battle each other for the gold medal. At that time, I was probably so stoned that I had no idea that some girl across the gym wanted to be the mother of my children. All I cared about was that overhand grip, sticky green, and who I was going to tongue behind the skating rink bleachers. Beware of the kiss bomb....'cuz when I hear that zamboni's engine rev up.....you're gettin the "pat."

You Friggin' Coward

I'd like to take the opportunity to announce to the world how piss drunk I am right now. I just woke up from a 4 hour nap after horrifying innocent women and children at the Red Sox game....and telling Manny Ramirez how big his protective cup looked.

Moving on, I realize I missed most of today's news due to the fact I was chugging aluminum bud light bottles at an alarming rate. But after reading about the V Tech shootings....and although I know the killer is dead....I still want to fight him.

Buddy...let me tell you two things. One....you are a friggin' coward. Come into my classroom with an automatic weapon????? Hey, I have a better idea. Why don't you put down that cold steel and fight me one on one.....just me, you, and a whole lot of pain. Hell, I'd even give you a knife....but I swear to hell after you stab me once......I'll crush your esophagus with a piece of chalk and a dry eraser board.

But in all reality, I would just like to send out my condolences to all the people affected by today's shootings. What a waste of innocent lives. It's just a shame. Much love everyone.

Down Goes Vince Young...?

It's official: Vince Young will grace the cover of Madden '08. The "Madden Curse" has become well documented within sports circles, as it has taken wiped out the following superstars (in one way or another):

• Dorsey Levens / Barry Sanders (retirement), 2000
• Eddie George, 2001
• Daunte Culpepper, 2002
• Marshall Faulk, 2003
• Michael Vick, 2004
• Ray Lewis, 2005
• Donovan McNabb, 2006
• Shaun Alexander, 2007

The second picture from above comes from an online petition, started by the San Diego Chargers fanbase. Their objective...to try and stop LT from landing on the Madden cover. Consider their attempt successful.

Update II: Virginia Tech Shooting

According to unconfirmed rumors via The Reference Frame, today's killer was a 6-foot tall male Asian student between 20 and 25 years old from Radford University whose girlfriend from Virginia Tech dumped him two weeks ago. He had two guns (at least one of which was a 9 mm caliber handgun) and wore a vest (likely a bulletproof vest) -- with ample ammunition as well as a maroon cap and a black leather jacket.

In the morning around 7:15 AM, he went to her dormitory at the fourth floor of the West Ambler Johnston Hall. She was not there, so he shot her roommate and the Residential Assistant. Virginia Tech officials didn't shut down the university, so he continued to search for the ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend in the engineering classrooms of the Norris Hall (see 2nd picture above) - a few hours later. He didn't know the exact location, so he visited a few classrooms and lined up all students against a wall. The worst massacre took place at 9:50 AM in Room 200 where the students were learning German 2105. The killer shot them one by one. And yes, the professor, Jamie Bishop, died first. Finally, the calm animal killed himself by a shot into his head once he was cornered.

Update: Virgina Tech Shooting

From various message boards that I have read, it is understood that the shooter walked in on his girlfriend in bed with another guy this morning. In turn, the suspected shooter shot them both - instantly killing the guy while the girlfriend later died at the hospital. The shooter then went on a rampage across campus.

It has been reported on various news sites that 2 people were left dead in the first building, thus, bringing more legitimacy to this story.

(Whether this story holds any truth is yet to be determined).

Eva Longoria Has an Agenda

According to the Sun UK, Eva Longoria admits the following...

“I’m not averse to being tied up — I like a man to take charge. There’s something very sexy about being submissive.”

Don't get me wrong, Eva Longoria is hot...very hot. But, why does it seem that she only talks about sex? There is NO WAY she is really as kinky as she claims.

To me, this is her way of staying in the spotlight. I mean, she's been linked to Mario Lopez and Backstreet Boy, JC Chavez, in the past. Call me crazy...but, these guys aren't tying anybody up!

Side note...how great is that top picture of Jessica Alba (far left), Lindsay Lohan (middle), and Longoria (far right)?? In actuality, it's 3 a$$-shot photos combined into one Hall-of-Fame worthy photo. I can't stress enough how much I love this pose -- summer is approaching...girls of RI and MA, please take note!

Hopefully, this top picture allows you to take your mind off the Virginia Tech incident for just a few moments...

Blackout in Blacksburg

This ongoing story at Virginia Tech, which has currently left 33 dead, is horrific.

I'm not going to elaborate on this story much, as you can surely get better coverage via CNN or any other major news network...but this was the second time in the last 8 months that the campus was closed because of a shooting??

Last August, the opening day of classes was canceled and the campus closed when an escaped jail inmate allegedly killed a hospital guard off campus and fled to the Tech area. A sheriff's deputy involved in the manhunt was killed on a trail just off campus.

Here at The Win Column...our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by this incident.

Bud Selig is Super Awkward

This guy is MLB's Commissioner -- what an embarrassment! I mean...look at this picture -- his torso is on backwards!

Also, why the hell was Marlon Wayans the feature in yesterday's pre-game Jackie Robinson tribute??? I'm dumbfounded.

As Rumors and Rants explains, "There wasn't one black person in LA that day with any gravitas? How far down on the list do you think Marlon Wayans was for the pre-game tribute? My guess is 1,500th. There are literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of former players who are black and dozens of other people of note who could have spoken profoundly about what it was like to play baseball in the late 1940's and early 1950's. Hell, even Jimmy Walker could have said something interesting."

Lastly, did anyone notice the chant, which erupted from the pavillion, when it was Hank Aaron's turn to throw the cerimonial first pitch?? A resounding "Barry sucks" chant went on for minutes...

While It Was Freezing Here

As a college environment, USC is on a whole different level...

While New England was hit with freezing downpours this past weekend, USC hosted a fundraiser for physically challenged athletes. As part of the event, there was a swim race between Pete Carroll and Will Farrell.

And as you would expect, the USC "Song Girls" stole the show when they all changed into bathing suits, took part in an intertube relay, then modeled bikinis designed by Pete Carroll's niece.

These events/pictures simply guarantee football and basketball (see OJ Mayo and Lil' Romeo) dominance at USC for the next decade. There is no better marketing ploy!