For Your Weekend Enjoyment...

As Saturday night approaches, I present to you...my current favorite -- none other than Brazilian goddess, Adriana Lima.

Now, for a pep talk...get off your a$$, and go score yourself some 'strange tonight (including myself)!!

FYI...according to an article in GQ Magazine, Lima, 25 years old, claimed that she is/was a virgin. However, she has been linked to Mr. Derek Jeter in the past. For this sole reason, I don't believe a word "my" girl says.

My Day Has Officially Been Fulfilled

According to the Union-Tribune...

A diamond heist, a Bollywood dance routine, and Mike Tyson make an unlikely combination.

But the former heavyweight champion is set to groove to Hindustani pop music in a promotional video for “Fool and Final,” an upcoming comedy, the film's media consultant said yesterday in Mumbai (formerly Bombay).

The 40-year-old boxer will shoot the promo in India, said N. Chattani, who is in charge of publicity for the movie's producer, Firoze Nadiadwala.

“It's finalized,” Chattani said. “Tyson will be shooting the music promo with the entire cast.”

Why Tyson? Aside from instant publicity, action hero Sunny Deol stars as a boxer in the film, directed by Ahmed Khan.

“The movie is a laugh riot, and the filmmakers thought Tyson would be great in the promo,” Chattani said.

Tyson is facing an August trial in Arizona on felony drug possession charges and two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of drugs. The county prosecutor's office said Tyson would have to ask the court for permission to leave the country.

Tyson's best quote of all-time...

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage, there was one big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

Lil' Romeo Commits to USC to Play Basketball

"It’s the R-O-M-E-O you know...And I roll with plenty of doe 'fo sho. Sloe po in the Bentley - yo let's go. No the tank ain't empty, we ova flow. Get your back in to it - keep it movin’...new No Limit is the movement. We taking over all the industries."

Lil' Romeo (real name: Romeo Miller, Jr.) has verbally committed to play basketball at USC, along with 2 scouts.com top 100 high school players in the country (starting in 2008). The 17-year-old is putting his rap career on hold, says his father / rap mogel Master P.

Lil Romeo will probably major in film at USC to polish his acting, in an attempt to pull off the trifecta -- something other rappers, athletes, and actors have previously failed at (see: Shaq Diesel, Ron Artest).

NBA Draft Lottery (Everything You Need To Know)

May 22nd could go a long way in determining the foreseeable future of the Boston Celtics' (and Danny Ainge). This is the date in which 14 pathetic NBA franchises will learn their upcoming lottery fate. With last night's loss (and 3 games remaining), at home against Milwaukee, the C's wrapped up the 2nd worst record in the NBA -- they currently stand at 23-56. Thus, entering the dropping of the pin-pong balls...the Celtics maintain a 20% chance of landing the coveted top pick -- and a 38.9% chance of landing a top 2 selection (all early entry collegiate players must declare by April 29th).

Quite frankly, I don't care what the likes of Chad Ford & others forecast Player X to land. I'm here to tell you whom are the 10 best (American) NBA prospects (thus, eliminating China's Yi Jianlian from the below analysis) in the 2007 Draft. Why? Because I watch enough basketball that it's actually become quite shameful (I keep telling myself that I really need to expand my horizons, but I can't possibly pull myself away my true loves -- that being, baseball and basketball).

With no further ado, here is how the top 10 SHOULD unfold (assuming Julian Wright returns to Kansas for his sophomore campaign, as currently expected)...

1. Greg Oden - this is an absolute no-brainer. Anyone that mentions Durant as even a potential #1 pick should be banned from watching sports. Durant is a future All-Star. Barring injury, Oden is a guaranteed future Hall of Famer. Upon entering the league, Oden will instantly become the 2nd best center in basketball (only behind Yao, as I don't consider Duncan a center). In all my years of following sports, I have NEVER seen a "big-man" with as much athleticism that Oden possesses. He's a game-changer...he will immediately make any team into an above average defensive club. And, his offensive game is perfectly suited for the NBA -- which is an up-and-down pace. The closest player which resembles Oden's game is a young Alonzo Mourning -- only that that Oden is remarkably more athletic and already possesses, at the age of 19, more of an NBA-ready offensive arsenal than 'Zo. In Oden's rookie season, expect 14 points, 10 rebounds, and 3 blocks every night. Following his rookie season, the sky is the limit.

(I am not afraid to admit the fact that I have developed a "man-crush" on Greg Oden).

2. Kevin Durant - he is this year's consolation prize (but a great one, at that). After taking home nearly every individual honor at the collegiate level this year, Durant had no choice but to declare. I keep hearing pundits refer to Durant as the next Garnett, or the next McGrady, or even more lately...the next Nowitzki. No, no, and no! They are all wrong. Durant's game isn't similar to any of the aforementioned.

First off, Garnett plays primarily in the low post. Offensively, the only time Durant gets down towards the blocks is when he slashes past his defender. Outside of athleticism, I don't understand this comparison.

The McGrady comparison I can, at least, see to some degree. However, McGrady has much better handle, is a better passer, and is better at getting to the bucket. On the flip side, Durant possesses more range, has a much quicker release, and seems to thrive in a leadership role.

Nowitzki? The only thing these two players have in common is that they can both shoot the rock (albeit, Durant is a more inconsistent shooter at this early stage in his career) -- and both are sub-par defenders.

So who's game does Durant's resemble?? None other than Paul Pierce. Yes, Durant is much more athletic than Pierce. However, both are very streaky shooters with nearly unlimited range. Both players need the ball in their hands, as they seem to drift in the half-court set when playing without the ball. For this reason...if the C's land the #2 pick, then Ainge will have to think long-and hard about moving Pierce to another team. Under no circumstances can I picture seeing a tag-team of Pierce and Durant as a recipe for success.

3. Brandan Wright - no team is going to want this pick. Unless a team falls in love with a particular player during individual draft workouts, every team is going to be looking to move this pick. Why? Because the next several players are all about equal, as they all possess their fair share of strengths and weaknesses. Like Durant, Wright has Garnett-like athleticism. Again, like Durant...Wright needs to bulk up -- he's a rag doll in the post (at least Durant spends most of his time matched up against smaller players, in terms of strength).

Wright is very inconsistent (look no further than his game vs. USC in this year's tourney -- honestly, I had the same impact as Wright on that game - only I was sitting on my couch). However, he was only a freshman this past year...so, that had to be expected (unless, of course, your name is Kevin Durant).

If somehow the Celtics get screwed out of a top 2 pick, it will spell disaster. Even though Wright is currently slated as my #3 prospect, the C's can't possibly pick another project -- as Wright is at least 2-3 years away from being an NBA impact player. Coincidentally, Pierce only has 2 years (at most) left in his "prime".

4. Al Horford - a beast...a terror...a winner! An athletic Corliss Williamson. Or, Dwight Howard with Antawn Jamison-like athleticism, if you will. Solid in every aspect of the game -- has a Tim Duncan-like basketball IQ. His offensive array is very raw. However, all indications indicate that his bruising offensive game will only blossom, as he's noted to be an extremely disciplined and hard worker. Horford will immediately contribute at the NBA level -- think 11 points, 7-8 rebounds as a rookie.

(Between now and the draft, I reserve the right to flip-flop Wright and Horford -- in terms of whom is the better prospect).

5. Corey Brewer - I love Brewer's game. He's insanely intense and competitive. He's as wirery (if that's even a word) as Tayshaun Prince / Shaun Livingston, but he always plays with a mean-streak. He defines the term, "lock-down defender". His offensive game is very inconsistent, which is typical for set-shooters. However, he possesses the ability to blow by his defender -- and isn't afraid to finish. In terms of basketball ability, he reminds me of a much skinnier, yet more athletic Ron Artest.

6. Mike Conley, Jr. - my favorite player to watch in the entire draft. Calm, cool, and collected. Rarely ever makes a bad decision on the court. Lightning quick at both ends of the court. Clutch!

At the collegiate level, he was Ohio State's best player (and that is saying a TON, in-and-of itself). I may take some heat for saying this, but...Conley, Jr. is the second coming of Chris Paul -- their game's mirror each others, almost to a tee (Paul isn't much of an NBA 3-point threat either).

Many draft pundits go on to say that Conley lacks the shooting ability to become a stud in the NBA. I couldn't disagree more. Yes, Conley, Jr. struggled with his shot at the start of his freshman season -- and, he won't ever be Gilbert Arenas from behind the arc...but, he is VERY comfortable in knocking down the mid-range jump-shot (by the way, something that Rajon Rondo cannot do).

7. Joakim Noah - I hope college life was great to Noah this year. Yes, he captured back-to-back championships while at Florida (with the help of the aforementioned Horford and Brewer), but he had all but solidified himself as the #1 pick in the 2006 Draft. Now, he is left being this year's version of Matt Leinart -- as Noah could go anywhere in the lottery (outside of the top 2). Probably a power forward in the NBA (but like Durant / Wright / Brewer, Noah desperately needs to bulk up).

Let's get to it...an energizer, a leader, a defensive wizard, a hustler, a deer while in transition. On the flip side, he is a terrible offensive player when playing in the half-court set. He also has disgusting footwork in low post, so he's a long ways away from being a significant cog in any team's offense.

Think Shawn Marion / Andrei Kirilenko...but, with no offensive flow. Bottom line, I want him no where near Celtic green.

8. Roy Hibbert - one word...HUGE (7'2", 265 lbs. huge). Lumbers up-and-down the court -- is painful to watch run, as I feel as if he may fall over and break through the parquet at any moment.

Has Antonio Gates-type hands. When he came to Georgetown as a freshman, he blatantly stood out as a stiff. As a result, his drastic improvement is nothing short of remarkable. For that sole reason, you have to assume he's extremely dedicated to his craft. In terms of athleticism, he reminds me a lot like Kendrick Perkins. However, their game's are not similar at all. Perkins has no hands, no offensive game, and is often lost on the court...but, can bang and rebound. On the other hand...Hibbert owns a decent shot from 10-12 feet, is a below average rebounder for his size, yet surprisingly...is more than willing to throw his body around.

9. Jeff Green - Solid, solid, solid. Does everything well, but doesn't necessarily excel in any one area. Will likely end up as a small forward in the pros. Is a garbage man, meaning he has a knack for where the ball is going to be (much like Jared Dudley). In saying that, he often has trouble creating his own shot. Reminds me of Ryan Gomes, in that both players don't possess the "upside" that NBA scouts fawn over. Depending on the team which drafts Green, he could end up starting right away (simply because his game is NBA-ready). In the long-run, Green likely makes the ideal 6th Man on a competitive NBA team.

Best case scenario...Green puts everything together and becomes a combination of Shane Battier and Josh Howard. If the C's fall out of the top 2, I would have no qualms with them trading down in the draft -- and, eventually, drafting this Hoya.

10. Spencer Hawes - significant talent drop-off after the top 9 American prospects (again, assuming Julian Wright does not enter). I'm sure you've heard the age-old adage..."pass on the white center". However, Hawes is a better bet than most -- if he opts to stay in the draft (he has declared, but hasn't yet hired an agent), he will not fall out of the lottery. His untapped potential is much greater than Robert Swift's, an all-time favorite of Danny Ainge.

As noted with most in the top 10, Hawes desperately needs to add weight. However, he does have the frame which suggests this is possible. Like Hibbert, Hawes can shoot for a big-man -- Hawes' range even extends further than Hibbert's. He will definitely be a starting center in the NBA for years to come. Think Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

Others of intrigue: Chase Budinger (Arizona), Javaris Crittenton (Georgia Tech), Nick Young (USC), Al Thornton (Florida State), Thaddeus Young (Georgia Tech)

...lastly, here's to hoping that recent Providence grad, Herbert Hill, makes a lasting impression in the upcoming individual workouts. Hill had an outstanding senior season (18.8 points, 8.8 rebounds, 2.9 blocks...all while shooting 64% from the field), thus, prompting him into the discussion as a late 1st Round pick.

Because It's a Slow News Day...

Dennis Rodman will star as the coach of a dwarf hoops squad in "The Minis," with Verne Troyer as one of his players. "Me and Mini-Me," Rodman says. "It's going to be wild."

...as a side note, the kid that is crying (#11) next to Rodman is about to get his pocket picked - he's has no idea!

All Apologies.....Like Nirvana

I apologize for how bad I've been slacking on this website the last 24 hours. I'm so sick right now that I might puke just typing this. I hope you all catch AIDS this weekend. The fact that I can't even go to the Sox game tonight makes me want to punch myself in the dick. Again, I can't stress the fact enough that I want bad things to happen to all of you. Go to hell, and when you get there, look the Devil in the eye and tell that flaming hot bastard I said he's a friggin' dildo.

Get the gout, you stiffs.

Luc Longley is Set Ablaze

Earlier this week, Luc Longley, the former #7 overall pick out of New Mexico, wept as he and his family escaped from the fire which destroyed their $2 million home in Fremantle.

"I was asleep and heard a bang, an explosion, and it was already on fire and got the kids out," he told Nine News at the scene.

He is believed to have lost much of the sporting memorabilia he won during his career in Australian and US basketball leagues.

...the fact that a 7'2" stiff, whom only averaged double digits once in his career (7.2 PPG for his career) and never averaged more than 6 rebounds in a season (4.9 REB for his career), can stake a claim in a multi-million dollar house (probably one of several) is evidence of what is wrong with society's social structure. When pundits point out that you can't teach height, Luc Longley should act as the running prime example.

How 'Bout a Lifetime Ban

The NFL has suspended Titans cornerback Pacman Jones for an entire season.....wow.......I mean does this guy even really give a damn? He's probably at a strip club right now as I type this....throwing stupid amounts of money at more chicks than I could ever imagine. What an a$$hole this guy is. What a punk. What a goddamn disgrace to the game that I risked my life to play. If I wasn't 5'8....I'd find Pacman Jones and smack his mouth. Granted I'd probably get whacked Sopranos style...but seriously, it takes a real douchebag to get arrested this many times in such a short period of time. Buddy, you're in the NFL...you made it....what the hell are you doing? Your days of living like 2Pac are over.......you have a gigantic contract and all the talent in the world. How 'bout making a difference? Nah...that doesn't sound chill, right? I have an idea....lets just get hookers and AK 47's and just take the town by storm. Hell, let's get blow, weed, and let's pahty. You're a friggin joke. I hope you never get to play football again. Sure, you'll be richer than me....and I'm sure you probably tuck your meat into your tube sock....but....well....nevermind, I guess you win there buddy.

Snoop Hits Back

"It's a completely different scenario. We rappers are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We're talking about hoes that's in the 'hood that ain't doing sh*t, that's trying to get a nigga for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain't no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC going hard on black girls. We are rappers that have these songs coming from our minds and our souls that are relevant to what we feel. I will not let them muthaf*ckas say we are in the same league as him. Kick him off the air forever."

- Snoop, on the Don Imus situation

J. Lo = Pedro

As a lifetime achievement tribute (coupled with the fact that I could no longer stand to look at Crystal Mangum's mug as our lead story), I would like to recognize Jennifer Lopez...and her assets.

Much like Pedro -- whom isn't the greatest pitcher of all time, but who's prime years can only be compared to the likes of Sandy Koufax...J. Lo may not be the best looking woman of all-time, but when in her prime (a good 5 years ago)...there was nobody better! Her best career decision? None other than shaggin' up with the mogul which is P. Diddy.

Think about it...from 1997-2003 (excluding his injury-riddled '01 season), Pedro was "can't miss" television every 5th day. During those years, he only once compiled an ERA above 2.39 -- in the heavyweight AL East, no less.

And, while in college...I felt the exact same way about J. Lo. Every time she showed that money-maker on television, I would unquestionably drop whatever I was doing to take a moment to drool.

Is Crystal Mangum a "Nappy Headed Ho"??

Above is a mug shot of Mangum (1st photo - taken from The Smoking Gun), the exotic dancer whom has set North Carolina race relations back several decades.

Is it me...or does she not look like Shar Jackson (2nd photo above), K-Fed's ex-wife?

Sin City Makes a Comeback

For the first time in MTV Real World history, the Real World is reuniting the cast from one of their past season's for a special series. The misfits which comprised Real World (Las Vegas) will reunite for a six-episode series that will, once again, be filmed in their former Palms Resort suite.

The Las Vegas cast included: Alton, Arissa, Brynn, Frank, Irulan, Steven, and Trishelle.

The aforementioned season was the last Real World season that was worth watching. All they did was drink, fight, and swap sex partners. I'm willing to bet the "over" that nothing has changed since then...

Japan vs. Venezuela = WWIII

Boston Red Sox vs. Seattle Mariners
Dice-K (1-0) vs. King Felix (1-0)
7:05 PM at the Fens

While most retards will focus their attention on the potential battle for Japanese freedom that looms when Ichiro steps into the box against Matsuzaka today, it will be just another at bat for me. I could care less about Ichiro....he is what he is. A little singles hitting rat that steals bases all the time and throws a pea from the outfield. Good for you Ichiro....nobody cares. Do you even speak?

Real baseball fans will focus their attention to the two studs taking the mound today....the huge balls of Dice-K Matsuzaka vs. the future of flame throwing studs that is "King" Felix Hernandez. Hernandez is coming off a 12 K, 0 ER performance last week....that's just filthy. Dice-K was just as impressive fanning 10....but doing it in many different ways. Any way you look at it....there are going to be two work horses on the mound tonight at Fenway Park....and we'll see the future of baseball right before our very eyes.

Now we all know that Dice-K is from Japan...and we've had our fun with him so far here on this blog. But hey, King Felix....now it's your turn. You are from Valencia, Venezuela???? Do you know what happened when I typed that into Google.....UPS just dropped off a kilo of blow at my doorstep from the 19 brothers and sisters you shared a room with. So here's to hoping that you indulge a little too much in the nose candy before your start, and you get the shakes and can't find the strike zone. I guess I should probably blame you for rising gas prices too, since your country exports some of the world's largest supplies of oil. My SUV just cost $48 bucks to fill you ugly prick. Thanks a lot. Why don't you just douse yourself in gasoline and light a match....because when Big Papi hits a 400 foot home run off you tonight, you'll wish you were back peddling blow in Central America.

Patriots: 2007 Schedule

Sunday, Sept. 9 – at Jets

Sunday, Sept. 16 – vs. Chargers (NBC, 8:15)

Sunday, Sept. 23 – vs. Bills

Monday, Oct. 1 – at Bengals (8:30)

Sunday, Oct. 7 – vs. Browns

Sunday, Oct. 14 – at Cowboys (4:15)

Sunday, Oct. 21 – at Dolphins

Sunday, Oct. 28 – vs. Redskins (4:15)

Sunday, Nov. 4 – at Colts (4:15)

Sunday, Nov. 11 – BYE

Sunday, Nov. 18 – at Bills

Sunday, Nov. 25 – vs. Eagles (NBC, 8:15)

Monday, Dec. 3 – at Baltimore (8:30)

Sunday, Dec. 9 – vs. Steelers

Sunday, Dec. 16 – vs. Jets

Sunday, Dec. 23 – vs. Dolphins

Saturday, Dec. 29 – at Giants (NFL Network, 8:30)

For those of you keeping count/score...that's 2 Monday Night games (with no Joe Thiesmann), 2 Sunday Night games, and 1 Saturday Night game.

Potential blood-bath: Week 2 vs. San Diego

Bring Melissa to America...ASAP!

How am I just finding out about the novelty which is Melissa Theuriau?? Oh, my good Lord!!

My research tells me that Melissa, 28, works as an editor-in-chief and presenter of Zone Interdite (for a French television channel), a magazine show featuring investigative reporting.

The best attribute about Ms. Theuriau...when she visits the beach, she is notorious for going topless (I sh*t you not).

It should be made known that I have NEVER come this close to not being able to control myself...

Someone Get My Girl a Happy Meal

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna....what the hell are you doing to yourself? We had such a good thing going. You looked like a healthy young woman....with those luscious cans....sweetheart, you had me at "Press Play." But now, you've really pissed me off. You're starving yourself due to a bitter divorce you're having....and you are withering away to nothing. Forgive me if I am wrong...but you've actually had your enormous silicone tasty treats removed....for smaller ones? huh? Did someone just slip me a mickey? I feel like I just blacked out for 3 years and woke up. You are a.......PORN STAR!!!!! Nobody wants you to be the next Nicole Richie....we want you to be healthy, meaty, and preserve those ta-ta's. Jenna, you're one of God's gifts to this great earth...you're hot, and you have no problem that millions of degenerate losers crank off to the very sight of you. You turn young boys who have no idea how to even use their manhood, into middle school jack hammers. You're everything that is right about capitalism. In fact, I think I love you.

So please, from the bottom of my heart....I'm begging you to eat a Happy Meal...or at least some crab rangoons or a buffy chicken pizza. I'd even introduce you to my mother so she can cook you some man sized manicottis. I can't bear to watch the woman I adore become another one of E's True Hollywood stories.

Manga.

Shock & Awe

Per today's Kansas City Star...Jason Whitlock, in typical brilliant fashion, has gotten to the crux of the matter which surrounds Don Imus (see his below piece).

Thank you, Don Imus. You’ve given us (black people) an excuse to avoid our real problem.

You’ve given Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson another opportunity to pretend that the old fight, which is now the safe and lucrative fight, is still the most important fight in our push for true economic and social equality.

You’ve given Vivian Stringer and Rutgers the chance to hold a nationally televised recruiting celebration expertly disguised as a news conference to respond to your poor attempt at humor.

Thank you, Don Imus. You extended Black History Month to April, and we can once again wallow in victimhood, protest like it’s 1965 and delude ourselves into believing that fixing your hatred is more necessary than eradicating our self-hatred.

The bigots win again.

While we’re fixated on a bad joke cracked by an irrelevant, bad shock jock, I’m sure at least one of the marvelous young women on the Rutgers basketball team is somewhere snapping her fingers to the beat of 50 Cent’s or Snoop Dogg’s or Young Jeezy’s latest ode glorifying nappy-headed pimps and hos.

I ain’t saying Jesse, Al and Vivian are gold-diggas, but they don’t have the heart to mount a legitimate campaign against the real black-folk killas.

It is us. At this time, we are our own worst enemies. We have allowed our youths to buy into a culture (hip hop) that has been perverted, corrupted and overtaken by prison culture. The music, attitude and behavior expressed in this culture is anti-black, anti-education, demeaning, self-destructive, pro-drug dealing and violent.

Rather than confront this heinous enemy from within, we sit back and wait for someone like Imus to have a slip of the tongue and make the mistake of repeating the things we say about ourselves.

It’s embarrassing. Dave Chappelle was offered $50 million to make racially insensitive jokes about black and white people on TV. He was hailed as a genius. Black comedians routinely crack jokes about white and black people, and we all laugh out loud.

I’m no Don Imus apologist. He and his tiny companion Mike Lupica blasted me after I fell out with ESPN. Imus is a hack.

But, in my view, he didn’t do anything outside the norm for shock jocks and comedians. He also offered an apology. That should’ve been the end of this whole affair. Instead, it’s only the beginning. It’s an opportunity for Stringer, Jackson and Sharpton to step on victim platforms and elevate themselves and their agenda$.

I watched the Rutgers news conference and was ashamed.

Martin Luther King Jr. spoke for eight minutes in 1963 at the March on Washington. At the time, black people could be lynched and denied fundamental rights with little thought. With the comments of a talk-show host most of her players had never heard of before last week serving as her excuse, Vivian Stringer rambled on for 30 minutes about the amazing season her team had.

Somehow, we’re supposed to believe that the comments of a man with virtually no connection to the sports world ruined Rutgers’ wonderful season. Had a broadcaster with credibility and a platform in the sports world uttered the words Imus did, I could understand a level of outrage.

But an hourlong press conference over a man who has already apologized, already been suspended and is already insignificant is just plain intellectually dishonest. This is opportunism. This is a distraction.

In the grand scheme, Don Imus is no threat to us in general and no threat to black women in particular. If his words are so powerful and so destructive and must be rebuked so forcefully, then what should we do about the idiot rappers on BET, MTV and every black-owned radio station in the country who use words much more powerful and much more destructive?

I don’t listen or watch Imus’ show regularly. Has he at any point glorified selling crack cocaine to black women? Has he celebrated black men shooting each other randomly? Has he suggested in any way that it’s cool to be a baby-daddy rather than a husband and a parent? Does he tell his listeners that they’re suckers for pursuing education and that they’re selling out their race if they do?

When Imus does any of that, call me and I’ll get upset. Until then, he is what he is — a washed-up shock jock who is very easy to ignore when you’re not looking to be made a victim.

No. We all know where the real battleground is. We know that the gangsta rappers and their followers in the athletic world have far bigger platforms to negatively define us than some old white man with a bad radio show. There’s no money and lots of danger in that battle, so Jesse and Al are going to sit it out.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Greg Oden has a big decision to make....should he stay in college one more year to try and win a national title....or say one god-damn sentence to the world and instantly become a 100x millionaire......

Ok, this is where I would give the 7' foot, 280 pound beast a dick tap and run away. I am clueless as to why Greg Oden didn't rip off his college jersey after he lost the national title game...and invite as many college b*tches as he could find back to his Trump Tower suite. Buddy, you're gonna be disgustingly rich.....absolutely filthy rich. What the hell is your problem? College will always be there. Take a look at the Shaun Livingston replay, and tell me how you'd feel if you tore every ligament in your knee next year, you stupid bastard. I don't even want to hear the argument about how college is fun...and that it's a once and a lifetime experience. Boo f'n hoo! You know what else is a once and a lifetime experience....orgies...unless you make 100 million dollars and have Two-a-Days-like Hoover High. Take the money, the fame, and become one of the best shot blockers the NBA has ever seen. You will get more money, power, and women than you ever dreamed of. I can't believe I'm even sitting here arguing this point....but it really chaps my a$$ to think that someone would even need to stop and think about this decision.

Mr. Oden.....it's grow up time buddy. Make your announcement....then go right to the local drug store and stock up on KY Jelly and a 64 pack of Trojan Magnums. That will probably last you until the end of the week....so enjoy.

Durant to Celts?

With the news that Texas freshman, Kevin Durant, will enter the upcoming NBA Draft...it should be noted that he will leave as the 2nd most prolific scorer, as a freshman, in college history. The best?? None other than former LSU guard, Chris Jackson -- whom now goes by the name of Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.

I have many thoughts and strong opinions on this coming draft class -- and I will make them known by week's end. But, for now...I would like to reflect upon Jackson's (nearly) unparalled potential:

At all times, Chris Jackson was the fastest player on the court. He could get to the rim at will --all while possessing unlimited range on his jumper. With the exception of very few (think the Tim Hardaway's of the world), he had the best handle -- and was a tremendous passer.

Per a piece on Temple3... Chris Jackson (aka, Abdul-Rauf) has been erased from the memory of most sports announcers because of his ill-fated professional decision to sit during the singing of the national anthem. There was no way for him to win by taking that position. His home was firebombed as a result of that decision. His NBA career did not end immediately, thanks to consideration from those Vegas gamblers: the Maloof brothers and owners of the Sacramento Kings. But, after his stint with the Kings ended, Abdul-Rauf played in Turkey, Russia, Italy and Greece.

Jackson suffered from Tourette's Syndrome. He became a Muslim over the course of his career and fasted during Ramadan (Olajuwon did the same thing during his career, but his frame and stature seemed to handle the weight loss much better).

When comparing Jackson's collegiate game to many other offensive superstars, his talent was certainly comparable to nearly all.

* Allen Iverson? Jackson was a much better shooter, a better ball handler, and equally as fast.

* Chris Paul? Not even close.

* Bobby Hurley? Different universe.

* Gary Payton? In college, Payton was still dominant on the box -- but his complete offensive game didn't start to take shape until later in the pro's.

* Tim Hardaway? Much, much slower -- and not as dominant from the line in clutch situations.

* Kevin Johnson? Explosive, great jump-shooter, tremendous wheels, and great free-throw shooter...but, all these attributes couldn't supersede Jackson's lightning quick release.

* Terrell Brandon? Close - all the tools, but 30 PPG (from a frosh) in the SEC is tough to match.

* Sam Cassell? All the old school tools any hoopster could ever ask for…not a speedster, but unnaturally clutch.

* Nash? Great player, but not comparable collegiately…apples and oranges.

* Pearl Washington? Aside from the speed, free throw shooting and jump shot range, they’re about even. Pearl could get streaky from outside, but that was not a reliable source of points for him.

* Sherman Douglas? Hell no.

* Stephon Marbury? Not from the outside.

* Kenny Anderson? Not from the outside.

* Mark Price? Everything - including the speed (if not the quickness in tight spaces and the hops) and free-throw shooting.

What it comes down to is...as a collegiate PG, only Isiah Thomas is/was comparable because "Zeke" could have scored at will for Bob Knight's Indiana teams. Isiah was an excellent free throw shooter, though not quite as good as Jackson. "Zeke" was a prolific passer. Both players had lightning quick hands and were terrors for opposing PG's to beat off the dribble - but, Isiah was the better defensive player.

LSU’s media guide refers to Chris Jackson as the “most celebrated freshman of all time.” It’s been almost 20 years...and counting.

Luckiest Man in the world?

Freelance journalist / photographer, Larry Birkhead, may be the luckiest man in the world these days. With today's news that he is, indeed, the biological father of Dannielynn Hope, I can assure you that Mr. Birkhead is out partying amongst a slew of strippers as we speak.

Once the court, inevitably, determines that the estate of Anna Nicole Smith will be awarded as much as $500 million from her late husband's estate (J. Howard Marshall), Dannielynn (and Birkhead) will be the primary beneficiaries (if you recall, Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel, died from a drug overdose just weeks before his mother passed).

How does one's misfortunes get any better than this?? This stiff was bangin' a GROSS Anna Nicole Smith -- which, eventually, led to them reproducing. Yet, now he instantly becomes filthy rich...AND doesn't ever again have to deal with Smith's absurd shenanigans. For Birkhead's sake, this is the best of both worlds!

Millar Does The "Ray Lewis Shuffle"

Did anyone see the clip, on ESPN on last night, of Kevin Millar doing his best immitation of the "Ray Lewis Shuffle"?? If not, you missed high comedy.

Anyways, the Orioles' home opener was last night vs. Detroit. As an encore, the team organized pre-game festivities out by left field. They continued to introduce all Orioles' to the fans, by way of a huge orange tarp. When Millar was introduced, he took it upon himself to show the world his dancing skills. The end result...think Mark Madsen.

M-V-P!! M-V-P!!

A-Rod just hit another bomb! Just incredible. The off-speed pitch he just hit off Boof Bonser has yet to land...

Current stats thru 6+ games:

.385 AVG
6 HR's
15 RBI's
10 Runs Scored

Memo to the AL...stop pitching to him. He's on a mission...

Hottest Girl on The Planet by Far

I was about to make a post about how I predicted that the Red Sox would show up today and mash Jeff Weaver, Beckett would have over 7 K's (8), and that J.D. Drew would hit a tall jack.....but after seeing pictures of the new Dane Cook movie, "Good Luck Chuck", on the internet....I blacked out and can't remember what else happened in the game.

I'm literally speechless looking at some of these photos...but I'm posting just a few from idontlikeyouinthatway.com just to prove my point. I have always considered Jessica Alba the hottest chick on the planet, and this only solidifies my point. If you can get a chick that looks like this, and loves sports.....well, I'd like to kill you and steal your identity, or steal your skin like in the movie "Face Off." I've compiled just a short list of things I would do to sleep with Jessica Alba:

1) Stick my arm in a garbage disposal and turn it on.

2) Give myself paper cuts in between each finger, toe, on my tongue, and my balls.

3) I'd toss a baby into any body of water.

4) I'd let her take one good whack at my hog with a hammer after we were done.

5) I'd let someone drive into me with a car at 20 MPH.


Sure, many of you might think that I'm psychotic or just plain retarded...but I assure you, I'd do any one of these things. Jessica Alba is the cream of the crop.....she is everything I want in life. Why the fu*k couldn't I have been born rich and famous.....instead of not rich and the furthest thing from famous. Screw all of you.

It's Goin' Down on Lansdowne

Boston Red Sox vs. Seattle Mariners
Josh Beckett (1-0) vs. Jeff Weaver (NR)
2:05 PM - In Friendly Fenway Park

Normally on a Tuesday, I would attempt to be productive in some kind of way. Whether that means cleaning my house, or going to the gym....'Simply Suds' doesn't live too exciting of a life. But there's always that one day a year I wake up at 8 AM with a thirst for beer, sausages, peanuts, franks, and whatever else will take years off my life. Unfortunately, this will be the first Opening Day I will miss since 1999....but, I will be there in heart and soul. You will be able to find me throwing up in the bleachers for Friday's game....should that not get rained out.

Today, Josh Beckett gets the ball...and I feel good about it. He should be cranking his fastball in the mid 90's....perhaps with a little extra mustard on it today. Fenway Park is going to be insane. I don't care if Aerosmith sings the national anthem, or if it's the Pussycat Dolls telling me to loosen up my buttons...that are actually a little too snug. It's friggin' Opening Day. Are you not excited? Do you have a pulse? If you're not pumped up for this game today, punch yourself in your Adam's apple (ladies, just stick a finger nail in your eye...that will do). Seriously....Josh Beckett is going to have at least 7 K's today. Besides Ichiro, I'm not scared by anyone in that lineup. You think that stork-b-dork, Richie Sexson, is going to do anything???? That tall goofy bastard should hail a cab to the TD Banknorth Garden and play center for the Celts tonight. And, I have a message for Adrian Beltre. Hey Adrian...you're terrible. You needed the sauce to get your monster contract, and now you should be hanging out with Pedro under the mango trees, because I think Helen Keller would have a better batting average than you....you jerk. You are batting .100. Wow. Just kill yourself for Christ's sake.

I'm predicting the boys come out swinging today. J.D. Drew will go yard, too. Jeff Weaver is a hack. He had a decent couple of years with the Tigers, but that's back when I was in high school/early college and used to get a decent amount of tail. Believe me...that was many moons ago.

Let's go Sox. It's Opening Day in Boston. Millions of people are skipping work and getting piss drunk to cheer you guys on. Don't disappoint us today....or we'll be blacking out tonight.

A Creep is Off the Market

Pulled from Yahoo News...

A British man has met and married a 22-year-old woman after, by his own account, dreaming of her phone number and then sending her a text message.

David Brown, 24, says he woke up one morning after a night out with friends with a telephone number constantly running through his head. He decided to contact it, sending a message saying "Did I meet you last night?" Random recipient Michelle Kitson was confused and wary at first but decided to reply and the two began exchanging messages. Eventually they met and fell in love.

"It was really weird but I was absolutely hooked," Kitson told the Daily Mail newspaper. "My parents kept saying, 'But he could be an axe murderer', but I knew there was something special about it."

After a long courtship, the oddly matched couple -- he's 6'7" and she's 5'4" -- have just returned from their honeymoon in the Indian resort of Goa. A love-struck Brown said: "I've no idea how I ended up with her number in my head -- it's only a few digits different from mine."

...where do I even begin with this?? First and foremost, this Michelle Kitson character is clearly one of the biggest losers on the planet. She fell head-over-heels for her real-life stalker. Basically, I'm calling bullsh*t on David Brown's entire story.

Essentially, what happened was...Brown had swooned after Kitson for a long while, somehow landed her number from a third party, dreamed about Kitson, and eventually followed his burning desire/quest up with the lamest text message in history.

I have no doubt that Kitson will eventually cheat on this cheeseball -- which, will eventually turn into homicide.

I can't help but think that David Brown is, in fact, a long lost relative of Gheorghe Muresan??

You are the Dancing Queen

Can someone please explain to me why male figure skaters aren't treated like witches during the Salem Witch Trials? I mean, am I losing my friggin' mind???? These peckers actually think that they are swans or a calm pond as they glide over the ice. Ummm...what? You're not a swan...you're a grown ass man skating around in spandex with your junk tucked behind your ass in true "mangina" fashion. You can't actually feel like a man while your doing all those movements with your legs over your head, and when you run your hands all over face as if you were trying to bang yourself. Wow...you just did the unthinkable triple axle sow cow you've been starving yourself since you were 8 to perform....wow.....you think I give a damn? How bout I punch your precious face that you've probably had professionally ex foliated.....you sorry excuse for a man. When normal kids were playing football, hoops, baseball, or soccer....you woke up at 5am to put quality fairy time at the local skating rink. And that's only because the local hockey team would have absolutely pummeled you, givin you a swirly in the locker room, then made you eat a couple sweaty jocks.

Congrats to all the male figure skaters out there....keep up the good work. Whenever I am feeling bad about the black cloud that constantly hangs over my head on a daily basis....I can always think of you prancing nancies....and suddenly... I feel like a man again.

The Magic Man Works Miracles

Hey guys, guess what...I have AIDS....no wait....just kidding. I am rich and have tons of drugs that nobody else has....na na na na pooh pooh...while millions die, I'll still be getting ass on the Los Angeles strip.

Now obviously, the Magic Man is more humble than this...what what a kick in the balls it is to normal and poor people....who get AIDS...and then....wait......here it comes.....ummm....DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. People die of AIDS...fact. But somehow....Magic Johnson contracts HIV back in 1991....and 16 years later he is in better shape than anyone that is going to read this post....and I'd be willing to bet the hammer he carries around in his gym shorts is bigger than yours, too (disregard that last comment ladies).

So what is the secret? If I had AIDS...I'd be livid. I'd be breaking into Magic Johnson's lions den, and posting him up for whatever secret drug cocktail he drinks every day. He is the face of AIDS....but how can this guy really walk around and talk to people that have AIDS....when he knows that there is an actual way to beat the disease....and 99% are just fu*ked because they aren't rich enough to afford it.

I propose that we drag the Magic Man out of his house in our rubber gloves and wet suits, and beat him into submission until he forks over the cure for AIDS. I frankly don't give a damn about his no look passes, finger rolls, or finger bombs he dropped back in the 80's. If somehow we can beat the cure for AIDS out of him....we'll all be heroes....and then we can be rich. And, let me just tell you...if we get rich...we're hiring those bunny ranch hookers that get tested all the time....not the ones at LAX.

Larry Bird would do it.

Requires Further Explanation

How does this happen???

Tampa Bay QB Jeff Garcia and former Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare, plan to tie the knot later this month. Seriously, look at that picture of Garcia again -- I'm willing to bet that most girls would vomit at the sight of him.

I've known for some time that Garcia had been dating some 'smoke-show'...but, DeCasare is honestly going to marry this terd?? I'm very conflicted over this...

• Isn't Garcia the second coming of "Johnny Cakes"? If TO says it, then it must be gospel -- I mean, how else do you explain the fact that TO never saw Garcia mingling with women while out in San Francisco (coincidentally, the gay capital of the world).
• No, but in all seriousness...have you ever heard Garcia speak before? He sounds like a sqealing Special Ed 9-year-old. On top of that, Garcia is a spitting image of Danny Bonaduce. Only difference is that Garcia regularly wore a 'doo rag' while playing for the Eagles last year.

Just the mere thought of this frustrates me...

Baseball is a Mental Game...

...and, Brad Lidge is no longer up for the task. Lidge is entering his 5th full season in MLB this year. He was a stud reliever during his first three years in the big's (2003 - 2005) -- just a dominating presence on the mound (had the best slider in the game). During the '04 season, he took over as Houston's full-time closer. During that season, he racked up 29 saves while compiling an impressive ERA of 1.90 (good enough for 8th in Cy Young voting). In 2005, Lidge was nearly as good (in the regular season) -- 42 saves with an ERA of 2.29.

Then, came the playoffs. Yes, the Astros made it to the World Series in 2005 (thanks in large part to a zoned-in Roy Oswalt, whom went on to capture the NLCS MVP)...but, this postseason symbolized the beginning of the end for the Brad Lidge which we had come to know.

Why? Two words...PHAT ALBERT. In the top of the 9th of Game 5 of the 2005 NLCS (with 2 outs), Pujols sent a Brad Lidge fastball into orbit...connecting on a 3-run HR, giving St. Louis a 5-4 win -- and forcing a Game 6 (which Houston won 5-1, on the heels of a stellar outing from Oswalt).

However, that Game 5 loss has proved to be detrimental to the Astros' organization (and more specifically, the Astros bullpen). Houston proceeded to be swept by the Chicago White Sox in the World Series, 2 of which losses were credited to the once reliable, Lidge. In short, Brad Lidge had lost all confidence -- think Mark Wohlers after Jim Leyritz lit him up during the '96 World Series!

...Fast forward to today -- and Lidge has yet to recover. He compiled a Keith Foulke-esque season in 2006 (5.28 ERA with a WHIP of 1.40). And, quite simply...it has only gotten worse during the first week of this current season. Hence, the reason for this demotion to middle relief.

Manager Phil Garner has finally stuck the proverbial fork in Lidge. In doing so, former WARWICK, RHODE ISLAND native, Dan Wheeler, should run with the job -- as he has admirably filled in for Lidge in the past (has posted 2 consecutive stellar seasons in the 'pen, with ERA's of 2.21 and 2.52, respectively).

In closing, a great closer quickly puts subpar performances behind him -- and demands to be handed the ball the following night. A great closer does not allow hindrances to compound into tailspins. For these exact reasons, Brad Lidge will never again be an elite closer while in an Astros' uniform.

You Should be Ashamed of Yourself

I came across this photo today, and immediately had two distinct thoughts.

1) I can't believe this display of beautiful female love was almost 4 years ago (08/28/03).

2) Britney Spears should be burnt at the stake for allowing such a beautiful creature to turn into a horrid nightmare.

I feel a lot better now. But seriously....what the hell is wrong with Britney Spears? I know she's popped out a few kids...and hey, congrats on that (skank), but seriously....hot chicks have babies all the time....and they return to super hot chick status. Like the Britney Spears in the 'Toxic' video, or the one that did the VMA's in that flesh colored spandex attire (see above).......I would have cut off either pinky finger, and maybe even a small toe to spend all of the 12 seconds it would take me to get off, with that Goddess. Now, she's bald, fat, gross, and downstairs has to have all sorts of unmentionable things going on. Hell, I'd need to have a medical textbook open next to our bed, just to know how to get her off. But wait a minute....why do I really care if the Pop Princess gets off at all? I really would just want her to get pregnant so I could live it up like K-Fed.

Hey Britney....you're a friggin' mess. Clean up your act, or launch yourself off the closest thing that resembles a 4th floor window, elevator shaft, or bridge. Oops, I did it again.