Further Proof that Soccer is a Joke

Most soccer proponents claim that soccer is requires immense skill and endurance. Can we all put an immediate halt to this myth now?

Try playing American football, basketball, and/or baseball with one leg...and then get back to me.

For the record, I would slide-tackle the hell out of all of these amputees...


(Video should be played with no volume)

ESPN Has Jumped The Shark

As Rotoworld reports, Michael Vick formally filed a plea deal in federal court Friday, agreeing that his dog-fighting enterprise included gambling and the killing of dogs.

Vick conceded to funding Bad Newz Kennelz and that the proceeds went to his co-defendants, but claims he didn't reap monetary benefit. Furthermore, he admitted he knew gambling was taking place and that dogs "died as a result of the collective efforts of Purnell Peace, Quanis Phillips, and Vick himself."

...You want to call yourself the "Worldwide Leader"??? I mean, that's what you refer to yourself at every moment possible, right? How about getting quite possibly the biggest story in sports, since the OJ Simpson trial, correct? ESPN...you butchered this ordeal beyond belief. For the past month, you have continuously flip-flopped sides/opinions/facts relating to nearly every issue surrounding the Vick matter. Your sources suck! And, while I'm at it...do yourself a favor, and permanently remove Roger Cossack from your airwaves. As a legal correspondent, he brings absolutely nothing to the table. In every interview, he backtracks upon his previous statements. He's the Sean Salisbury of lawyers...only Cossack's act is real, and not schtick. I can't decide what's worse.

And, how about Jamie Foxx??? Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Jamie Foxx, but that doesn't change the fact that Foxx is a very stupid man. First Clinton Portis, then Stephon Marbury, then Roy Jones Jr., and now Jamie Foxx. In the end, they all backpedal like Cossack...and provide a rehearsed and meaningless apology.

"I used to see dog fighting in the neighborhood all the time. I didn't know that was Fed time. So, Mike probably just didn't read his handbook on what not to do as a black star."

Where to start?? Why do 99% of black stars (Jamie Foxx's words, not mine) feel the need to continue their "gully" acts once they become superstars. Once you're a star, why must "black stars" continue to live their lives as if they are always searching that almighty "street cred"?? You've already made it...who the hell cares what the Compton Crips think of you? The gang-bangers would give anything to switch positions with you, so why act like the roles should be reversed? Congratulations, Stanley Williams respects you. What's more marketable...the "street cred" that comes with Pacman Jones or the dignity that follows the likes of Tiger Woods and Dwyane Wade?

* Much credit should be given to long-time reader, Glen, for photoshopping the above picture

FYI: Asante Samuel to Report Next Week

The NFL Network's Adam Schefter is reporting that CB and "franchise player" Asante Samuel will report to the Patriots next week. It appears he will sign his one-year, $7.79 million franchise tender shortly.

...If this doesn't get Suds' spirits up, I'm officially perplexed.

As a side note -- while searching "Asante Samuel", I came across the notion that Samuel improved his 40-yard dash time from 5.4 seconds during his sophomore year of high school to 4.3 seconds before entering the NFL Draft. This stat must be inflated, right? Unless Samuel was a dwarf as a high school sophomore, I fail to believe that such an improvement is humanly possible.

As Sad as it May Be, are Andy Reid's Sons Headed Down the Same Path as James Dungy?

Around 4 PM this afternoon, Plymouth Township Police received a tip call that Britt Reid, 22, was under the influence and about to drive away in his pickup truck from the Dick's Sporting Goods parking lot on Chemical Road in Plymouth Township.

When police arrived, Britt was getting into his truck and drove into a shopping cart. They quickly pulled him over and took him into custody. He was taken to Mercy Suburban Hospital in Norristown to be tested for illegal substances and/or alcohol in his system. Results of those tests are expected to be returned in several days.

Earlier this month, this particular Reid pleaded guilty to a weapons charge and three other criminal charges stemming from a road-rage case...you know, the incident in which Britt flashed a hand gun at another driver that passed by him (resulting in the discovery of marijuana and cocaine).

Well, at least Andy Reid's elsest son, Garrett, has managed to stay out of trouble since pleading guilty to drug and traffic charges on July 26th.

...First off, how did I miss that one of their names is Britt?? Wasn't Britt Reid the exact name of the "The Green Hornet" character from a popular radio program that ran in the mid-1900's?

Something's wrong with this family - an NFL coach just doesn't name his son a girls name. Girls being named boys names are one thing, but not vice-versa. I mean, the NFL is defined by grit and toughness. One must assume that the reason why Britt is in the shape he's in these days is largely because he's been picked on his whole life. Dudes with the name "Britt" or Ashley Parker Angel, for example, don't stand a chance in today's society.

Call me crazy, but something tells me that Reid's sons aren't upholding their family's strict Mormon beliefs...

http://www.the700level.com/2007/08/britt-reid-bust.html

What Do You Make Of These Photos?

The above photos come as part of the "Declare Yourself" campaign, as the newly 18-year-old Hayden Panettiere was registering to vote.

Anyway, who cares about the specifics. Are these pictures creepy or funny?

Personally, I look up to this guy -- I mean, Hayden has a smile from ear-to-ear in all of these photos. I can't tell if he just finished whispering sweet nothings in her ears, or just finished tickling the hell out of her? But one thing is clear...this old man is the Hugh Hefner of the "Declare Yourself" campaign.

Memo to VH1: Replace "Mystery" (the worst television character in history) with this man, and watch your ratings skyrocket.

* Photos come courtesy of http://hollywoodtuna.com/

Megan Fox Does Ebay

Forget Manny's grill. Forget Ortiz's Mercedes.

...Bring on Megan Fox's panties! As Tuna Flix reports, Megan Fox recently closed on a pair worn by her while on the Transformers set. The eBay description went as follows:

“Really sexy black bottom piece worn by Megan Fox in the hit film 'Transformers.' Stretchy yet clingy. Comes with a certificate of authenticity from the point of purchase guarantee that it was worn by the actor."

The winning bid?? $99.

Rumor has it that Simply Suds is currently sniffing these "stretchy yet clingy" garments around his Sean Salisbury-like wiffle as we speak. God bless him.

http://tunaflix.com/?p=761

The Win Column: On Assignment

Due to the recent shocking news of our very own Simply Suds 'hanging them up', our fearless leader, Chieftain, deployed me to Plymouth in hopes of getting to the matter of just why Suds was let go of his painting job which, in essence, plunged him into the pit of despair in which he currently resides.

The above picture was taken from the worksite the very next day after Suds was fired. After doing a little nosing around, I found out that this was the identical task Sudsie was asked to perform that resulted in his justified denial. Further, when I tried to get some questions answered from the foreman of this worksite, I was abrasively met with a fist in my face while the guy yelled at me to take "me and my freakshow elsewhere"!

While dodging the fists of fury, I managed to get a word in edge-wise and told the foreman that this wasn't the last he'd heard of me because I was reporting him and his 'freakshow' to OSHA and was, subsequently, run out of town.

Moral of the story....Suds, this guy's an A-hole and it wasn't your fault for getting fired! All is not wrong with the world!! We'll help you work through this pal. Who's with me?

Orlando

Is Vermont the Worst State in the Country?

Sure, this post isn't going to be endorsed by the likes of Orlando and his clan of hippies, but most common folks will come to their senses and realize I'm speaking the truth...even if it's just for this one post.

According to The New York Times, Vermont's clothing-optional capital is stripping off its temporary ban on public nudity.

A month after passing the temporary ban, the Brattleboro Selectboard voted 3-2 on Tuesday to reject a proposed ordinance that would have made it permanent. When the emergency temporary ordinance expires next month, public nudity will no longer be illegal.

It's all about tolerance, one board member said.

''We in this country are going down a slippery slope these days,'' said Dora Bouboulis, noting a national newspaper recently published an article about the emergency ordinance under the headline ''Tolerant town gets intolerant.''

She said it wasn't up to the town to restrict anyone's right to dress or undress.

Before the vote, residents weighed in on both sides of the debate.

Michael Gauthier gave the Selectboard a petition with signatures of 967 people who support a nudity ban.

''What is the point, other than shock and awe, that the nudists are trying to make?'' he asked.

...Where to start??? First off, only 5 people were required to vote on this topic - majority take all? Unbelievable! It's no wonder that Vermont is fully populated with hippies, killers, and perverts. Take it from me...a year-and-a-half ago, I spent close to a month up in Burlington, VT for work. Now, Burlington is supposed to be Vermont's "most happening" town -- well, I've never been more out of place in my life.

Going to work in slacks and a shirt? I may have well been wearing tux. Everyone, no matter the age, wears Teva's, hemp, and Santa Claus beards! It's a different world up north, a world which needs to adopt some structure and responsibility. And, this nudity proclamation isn't a step in the right direction.

Don't get me wrong, I love myself some skin...but this is "Vermont skin" that we're talking about. When I read this article, the only vision I had were fat, naked 40+ something's skipping around the local park, as they pop mushrooms and whatever else made its way into their bag of treats for the week.

Would it kill Vermont residents to simply listen to Trey Anastasio with friggin' clothes on??? I know, I'm the crazy one!

Needless to say, I want to hear Howard Dean weigh in on this matter....

I Have a Confession to Make

I'm exhausted, but at least tonight's game was well worth staying up for. Hell, any game in which Joba "The Hut" makes an appearance is worth the price of admission. Not many regular season games are "must win" games, but tonight was certainly one of them. Both Boston and Seattle (miraculously) lost, and a sweep at the hands of the Angels would have been absolutely devastating.

In just 6 games, I have already developed a crush on Joba Chamberlain. Hate if you will, but this beast of a phenom is, in a word, u-n-h-i-t-t-a-b-l-e. Watching Joba blow smoke past Vlad tonight was a thing a beauty. Power vs. power -- and guess what? I'm starting to think that he could punch out Vlad 8 out of every 10 times he faces him. Vlad never stood a chance. In 8 innings now, "Mr. Loverman" (a nickname which is rapidly catching on) has registered 14 K's, 2 BB's, 3 hits, and 0 runs allowed. He hits 97 MPH - 100 MPH with every fastball he throws, as he paints the corners! And, the thing is...I'm 100% positive that his fastball isn't even his best pitch. His 90 MPH slider might be the best out-pitch in baseball today! I know it may sound absurd, but don't dare knock it until you actually see it.

How good is he? I honestly don't think the 21-year-old will give up more than a single run all season long (assuming he doesn't make a spot start down the road...he won't before next year). Chew on that!

Remember way back in 2005 when WEEI and all of Red Sox Nation continuously proclaimed the Yankees farm system as "dead" and "bare"???

...Wang, Hughes, Chamberlain, Cano, and Melky say hello. And, there's much-much more to come in the near future (the Yanks STILL have an incredible surplus of potential stud arms in the minors).

* Photoshopped picture comes courtesy of http://nomaas.org/

Congrats to Dave Trembley!!!!!

On the day the Baltimore Orioles committed to 2008 with former interim manager Dave Trembley, his pitching staff gave up the modern day (after 1900) record 30 runs to the Texas Rangers in the first game of a doubleheader. The previous record was 29 by the 1950 Red Sox and the 1955 Chicago White Sox. Texas scored 5 in the 4th, 9 in the 6th, 10 in the 8th, and a 6 spot in the top of the 9th. To go along with the 30 runs, the Rangers banged out 29 hits.

Jarrod Saltalamachia lead the charge going 4-6 with 2 homers, 5 runs and 7 RBI. Former Red Sox farmhand David Murphy was 5-7, 5 runs and 2 RBI. Ramon Vazquez was 4-6, 4 runs and 7 RBI. If you are scoring at home, that is 13-19, 16 RBIs, and 14 runs from your 7, 8, and 9 hitters.

Kason Gabbard went 6 innings, as he scattered 7 hits to pick up his 6th victory of the season.

* Photo courtesy of Yahoo! Sports

I Have A Thing For Vanessa Simmons

Yes, that Vanessa Simmons...Rev Run's daughter.

Maybe it's because she comes across as being well grounded? Maybe it's because she models for Ford Agency? Maybe it's because she ranked 82nd in "Maxim's Hot 100 of 2006"?

Whatever it is, all that matters is that she's caught my attention. Who's with me??

* Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea that Justine was the step-mother to Vanessa, Angela, and Jojo. Has their mother passed, or is she just simply no longer in the picture (I sweat this show because every episode provides a life lesson and a purpose - however, no reference has ever been made to the situation)?

How Much Do Reality TV Stars Get Paid?

According to E! Online, the likes of Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, and Spencer Pratt (Simply Suds' favorite) get paid an estimated $10K - $25K per episode.

"Most reality shows, like Big Brother, will guarantee participants at least 50 grand per season."

"...That doesn't include all the free tank tops and lip gloss these kids can haul into their free apartments with their spindly little arms. I would be shocked if Heidi has paid for anything she's worn, lived in or placed in her hair over the past six months. That's what ambitious publicists are for."

"And there's even more cash to be made, if these girls are smart. LC, for one, has parlayed her 'fame' into a fashion line and an endorsement deal with Mark cosmetics.

"There is so much aftermarket money. It's not unusual for these people to double, triple, quadruple their money through endorsements."

...First off, does this surprise anyone -- is this too much or too little? When it comes to reality TV, who makes out best? The randomly chosen participants or the mega networks which reel in serious cake off no-names? Are the characters paid residuals off DVD sales? I have so many questions - there's got to be some reader out there that can answer them...

As a side note, does MTV's Real World cast get paid anything per episode? I was always under the impression that the chosen cast mates didn't see a cent (90% of the cast mates are flat-broke all the time), but now I'm torn. I only ask such a specific question because, some 3-4 years ago, I was one of the final cuts of one of the past seasons. MTV's loss! Crack all you want, your insults fall on deaf ears...

http://www.eonline.com/gossip/answer/index.jsp?uuid=04bc8448-dd40-4d35-b20f-5dd6198d924e&sid=fd-hot6-txt

I'd Like to Announce My Retirement

That's right folks, Simply Suds is hanging up his spikes from The Win Column. I woke up this morning with absolutely no ambition to blog....in fact, I woke up this morning and really didn't look forward to anything besides the girl that isn't even hot, but somehow manages to give me a little chubby in the morning when I make that miserable mile and a half drive to Dunkin' Donuts to get my iced coffee. Suds has hit rock bottom. He has a lot of soul searching to do over the next few weeks to try and dig himself out of the shallow grave that the month of July left him in. Two catastrophic injuries, a loss in the softball playoffs after making a Kirk Gibson like recovery from a mangled hand, and now getting canned from a painting job that a bunch of junkies and people that belong behind bars somehow manage to hold on to.....was just the final straw. Hopefully, I will someday return with stories of pissing some helpless girl's bed, or staying up until the sun rises getting weird in somebody else's hot tub....but until that time....I bid you all farewell.

To my fellow Win Column teammates....keep fightin' the good fight. Tell tales of naked chicks, hot chicks, smut, boobs, a$$es, and everything else the perverts that read this site thirst for. I want Red Sox fans to $hit on Yankees fans, and vice versa. I want stories about how Randy Moss and the Big Ticket have rejuvenated the city's thirst for the greatest sport on earth, and a sport that I could care less about.

It's been real and it's been fun. See you all in hell.

Where's Diddy?

Here at The Win Column, nudity isn't allowed unless linked. And even so, we still only want to link to nudity if absolutely necessary. Say what you will, but most are reading this site while at work -- that's what the analytics tell us.

However, tonight I'm making a very rare exception, as Sienna Miller bathing topless is blog worthy no matter how you slice it.

With these photos, it's obvious that Sienna Miller couldn't last another day without being a topic of discussion at The Win Column. Good for her - we wholeheartedly applaud Sienna's efforts!!

Now, readers...

Now that you've seen nearly everything that Sienna has to offer (see below links...NSFW), what are your thoughts on her?

Personally, I'm not a "blonde" guy...but I sincerely believe Sienna Miller has potential. It's just that she carries herself in a grungy/dirty manner -- similar to that of Britney Spears, minus the obesity. She looks a lot older than 25 - I don't know what it is! Needless to say, I'm on the fence...

http://hollywoodtuna.com/photo2.php?id=sienna_miller_topless_big&title=Sienna%20Miller%20Topless%20Pictures

http://hollywoodtuna.com/photo2.php?id=sienna_miller_topless_2_big&title=Sienna%20Miller%20Topless%20Pictures

http://hollywoodtuna.com/photo2.php?id=sienna_miller_topless_4_big&title=Sienna%20Miller%20Topless%20Pictures

Tonight's Matchup Lived Up to the Billing

What am I talking about? None other than the two worst pitchers in the AL East...

Jon Lester (5.67 ERA) vs. Andy Sonnanstine (6.53 ERA)

Great audition tonight, Mr. Lester. You hear that?? September 1st (the date that rosters expand) is fast approaching, and your rotation spot is in serious jeopardy...to none other than Clay Buchholz. Hell, your major league career is in jeopardy. Great, you conquered cancer. For that, I have more respect for you than 100% of the readers on this site. Unbelievable story -- it's just that your story is better suited on the big screen rather than NESN every five days. Jon Lester's background doesn't change the fact that he can't throw a strike to save his life. Should teams start taking it easy on him? Maybe teams should start under-handing the ball to Mike Lowell (because he, too, is a cancer survivor)? Think about it...if Tedy Bruschi could no longer tackle, do you think he'd have a career in the NFL? There's no need to answer that, as the answer is obvious.

Theo...thank you for not parting ways with Jon Lester! Thank you for sitting on your hands...and not acquiring an actual piece that could have helped! Baseball is a business first, and that notion went out the window this July. Whatever happened to the business mantra that is the Fenway Sports Group?? You had to have known that Jon Lester was not a good pitcher...you have scouts, after all. I mean, it was painfully obvious last year (in particular, his second time around the league)...when he was fully healthy. Instead, you fell in love with the story - and didn't want the public backlash that would have followed if a Red Sox Nation favorite had been moved. Theo, I thank you for losing ALL attributes which made you the GM you were in 2004. As your beloved Sox are bounced in 5 games in the ALCS, you have only yourself to blame.

Random note...why is that half of the Walpole little leaguers' favorite player is Derek Jeter? Call me crazy, but you don't see any Bronx thugs touting David Ortiz as their favorite player. Just a thought, Sox Nation...

* God, I hate Mike Mussina. He's got to be my least favorite Yankee of all-time. Mean-spirited, selfish teammate that's no good himself.

** Will Seattle ever lose again??? Enough! Led by Raul Ibanez, they are red-hot. While every analyst is drooling over Mark Teixeira these days, no one seems to be mentioning Ibanez. Ever since uber-prospect Adam Jones was called up to, essentially, take over his position, no pitcher has been able to get Ibanez out. Entering tonight's game, Ibanez had hit 9 HR's in his last 13 games (.431 batting average in August). In his first 97 games of the season, the veteran had only hit 6 HR's.

Croakies, Love ‘em or Leave 'em?

No doubt about it, croakies (crō – kēze) were once a dying breed. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s when the Oakley wraparounds lost their “radicalness”, croakies too almost went extinct. Fortunately (or unfortunately for all those haters out there), CROAKIES ARE BACK! Let me tell you, I fully, 100%, endorse the reemergence of these neoprene wonders. From the good ol’ boys down south, to the sailing set of the Cape and islands, nobody is losing their sunglasses these days. You could crush 22 Bud Lights, pass out face down in the sand and your sunglasses will still be there the next morning, securely around your neck where you left them. Is there a better feeling? Furthermore, not only are croakies back, but they are better than ever. Check out the sick palmetto design above…damn straight, son.

Intervention of the Month - Jenna Jameson

Has it really come to this, Jenna? More dudes (and probably some chicks) have gotten off to you millions of times over the years. You made the best smut that money could buy. What the hell happened to you? You were everything we could want in a woman. Hot, unreal body, we're talking all the essentials here. So why is it, that all of a sudden you've decided to look like a creature out of one of the Alien movies? You are the opposite of hot right now. I feel like I'm looking at someone that just found out they only have 2 days to live. I'm sooooo creeped out right now it isn't funny.

The Win Column is staging an official intervention for Jenna Jameson. I propose that she turn herself into Simply Suds as soon as possible. She can stay at my house until I nurse her back to health. No room and board is necessary, although I can't say she won't be performing her fair share of "chores" in order to repay me for my kindness.

Jenna....for f*cks sake....eat something. I don't care if it's 100 loads....just eat something. We're begging you.


***Photos courtesy of Bricksandstonesgossip

A Little Change Will Do You Good

I'm still scratching my head as to why the Red Sox didn't try and sell the farm to get Mark Teixeira. You trade a potential future stud and a couple decent current and future players to land one of the game's best first baseman....end of story.

Texas is obviously becoming a black hole for baseball players. It can't be fun to play there anymore. They suck, and you play in weather that burns your pubes as you run the base paths. I'd be all set, too. I bet if Michael Young were to switch jerseys....he'd start playing with that extra hop in his step he had 2 years ago. But enough about that, back to Teixeira.....what a beast. Over the past 2 games, he's belted 4 HR and 10 RBI. Guess what....that is 4 times the amount of home runs and 2 more RBI's than Kevin Youkilis has in the entire month of August. In fact, Teixeira's production over the past two games equals 1/3 of the amount of home runs and 1/6 the RBIs Youk has in 115 games. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about 2 games versus 115 fu*king games. That's ridiculous.

Say what you will about intangibles.....but, I am sick of Kevin Youkilis. He doesn't get hits when they matter, and he's nothing short of a mediocre baseball player. He's not the long term answer at 1st base....and with Mike Lowell playing his last season in a Red Sox uniform (some team is stupid enough to pay him next year), there is absolutely no excuse for letting a franchise player like Teixeira slip away. Texas would have accepted a fair deal, but Theo and company again dropped the ball. So tune into a Braves game on TBS on any given night and watch in disbelief, as to what could have been a World Series no-doubter lethal lineup.

Oh, by the way....it would be nice to have a guy that SWITCH HITS and can belt 40 HR's....no?


***Photo courtesy of YAHOO SPORTS

Fun With Numbers

Want to know who has had the greatest value on his respective team's success to-date? Want to know who the real MVP candidates should be? Where does your favorite player rank?

If you consider yourself a baseball fan, then you've certainly heard the term "Win Shares". After all, all baseball fans must have already read Alan Schwartz's "The Numbers Game" -- quite simply, the best baseball read on the market. As The Hardball Times indicates, Win Shares estimate the contribution each player has made to his team's wins. This is an entirely different way of thinking about players, stats, and value -- because it measures every baseball event within the context of the ultimate goal: winning games.

"Win Shares" is often referred to by many similar names -- for example, Player Win Averages, Player Game Percentage, Win Probability Added, Win Expectancy, Game State Wins, Player's Win Value, and WRAP.

When it comes to the Cy Young award...it should be noted that I don't necessarily agree with "Win Shares" as being the determining factor. Why? Because the purpose of the Cy Young award is to honor the best overall pitcher during that season, not the pitcher which provided his team with the highest "Win Share" total. At the end of the day, the MVP award includes the terms "most valuable"...not the Cy Young award. Furthermore, Win Probability doesn't solve the sticky issue of splitting credit between pitching and fielding (some day, I will be the one that nails down this formula).

For purposes of this post, the site that I'm going to link to refers to the stat in question as "WPA" (or Win Probability Added). Take a few minutes, and dissect what this site has to offer. There's many of you out there that could stand to learn a lot. You're welcome.

http://www.fangraphs.com/leaders.aspx?pos=all&stats=bat&lg=all&qual=n&type=0&season=2007

Candidate for HERO of the Year!

Scratch Willa Ford off your list of America's SEXIEST Bachelorettes! Mike Modano, a future NHL Hall of Famer, and Willa Ford are getting hitched this weekend! The 37-year-old Modano has been terrorizing a$$ since his junior hockey days 20 years ago. He has traveled city-to-city over the years, dragging some of the best looking buckets home with him, just to toss them to the curb in the morning. I like the move to marry a piece of a$$ that is 11 years younger than him and as lusty hot as Willa. I would definitely nominate him for 2007 Hero of the Year!

How f^cking lucky is he? I would love to come home from a long road trip of banging some of the finest snatch in the country to this delicious creature. I bet she smells GREAT!

****UPDATED**** http://www.celebwallpapers.net/Celebrity-Wallpapers/Willa-Ford/willa-ford-3.jpg Thats for you Sudsy!

Say It Ain't So....Maria !!!!

I happen to think that Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is a friggin' loser. I think his band sucks, and every song I ever hear from them on the radio sounds the same. Throw in the fact that he looks like he hasn't eaten since 1998, and it makes me want to strangle him through the TV. All that being said, I realize this guy gets laid more than eggs. Jessica Simpson, Natalie Portman, and most recently....tennis star Maria Sharapova. Well, Adam just couldn't keep his mouth shut. He tells about how awful Maria was in the sack in the upcoming issue of Exile Magazine, a Moscow based alternative magazine. This is painful fellas....

MOSCOW (Context) - The former lover of tennis star Maria Sharapova, Maroon 5's frontman Adam Levine, revealed yesterday why he broke off their brief romance.

"She wouldn't make any noise during sex," Levine said. "I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."

So the girl that screams as if she's being shot when she hits a tennis ball, doesn't even make a peep in the sheets when she's getting pounded? Either Adam Levine isn't doing something right, or Maria Sharapova has to be the biggest poser of all time. Then again, she'd probably be silent with me too, so who am I to throw stones.

Larry Maroney Is Ready To Take Some Licks

According to today's Boston Globe, Lawrence Maroney is shedding his red, non-contact practice jersey today, and will be participating in all full contact drills. Hopefully, this means we'll be seeing Maroney in this week's pre-season game. Randy Moss apparently was not in the building, and the Patriots will continue to treat him cautiously and just get him ready for opening day against the Jets.

I'm starting to get a little worried about Richard Seymour. Granted, he basically never shows up for training camps or pre-season games.....and I'm ok with that. He's a major asset to the defense that cannot afford to get hurt during games that don't count. He knows his responsibility like the back of his hand. But, I haven't even seen him around.....hopefully, he's just doing some extra stretching.

Go Pats!

Happy 18th Birthday, Hayden Panettiere

Because it's technically 2:30 AM on Tuesday in Seoul, South Korea, and 4:30 AM in Sydney, Australia....I'd like to be the first to wish Hayden Panettiere a very happy and legal 18th birthday. This actress and aspiring musician is sure to be Hollywood's next party girl. She just takes photos that look like she's dying to get after it with a weekend of hard booze and narcotics galore. I have a feeling she'll be ending up in a rehab facility next to Britney Spears, as they both run into rubber walls with football helmets. I love the fact that in a lot of her pictures she is licking things. Why? Why the hell not? I'm cool with the fact that she needs to have something in constant contact of her moist tongue in order to keep her self esteem high. The one thing I do not like is the fact that she dates that pickle that used to be on Laguna Beach, Stephen. What a complete stiff. He probably leaves her rose peddles everyday for when she gets home, when he should be really treating her the way that most of us would treat a call girl in Las Vegas (if you're in to that sort of thing).

But until this time, let's embrace the fact that she's pretty hot, and now I can say so because she is 18 years old. Oh, to be 18 again.

I get creeped out knowing that chicks that are turning 18 were born in 1989.....yikes. Pretty soon, it's going to be girls that were born in the 1990's that I'll be drooling over, and I'll feel even worse about myself than I already do.

Question Regarding Etiquette At A Baseball Game

While at the Sox game this Saturday, I was faced with a dilemma that I always thought was fairly easy decision to make. Upon further review of this situation, evidently there is quite a bit of disagreement. That said, I wanted to pose the question to the readership because its widely known The Win Column has the most intelligent audience in Boston, and they would be the best resource to settle this once and for all. So, without further ado here is the situation.

Our seats were located in the right field grandstand, only about 4 seats from the end of the row. Great location for frequent trips to the pisser and the beer stand, no? The only thing is that there was a beam at the end of the row basically rendering that option null and void. Because of that, any time we wanted to make 'the trip' we had to make that treacherous walk over twenty people just to get out. Normally not a huge deal, but I was at the game with a bunch of booze bags (myself included) and we showed up to the game pretty sh*tcocked, thus, many trips to the bathroom were inevitable.

So, here is the dilemma. There was an open seat in the row directly in front of us, essentially enabling us to step over a seat and only bother four people to get into the aisle as opposed to pissing off twenty people every time we had to drain the lizard. I thought this was a no-brainer. Although the people I was with thought this was unheard of, and claimed that you had to stay in your own row because you were all on the same 'team' (whatever that means). Because of this way of thinking, my buddies actually chose to watch the game in 'standing room' for close proximity to the beer and the pisser. I thought that was an overreaction, but their decision nonetheless. So my question to you is: Is it alright to disturb people in a different row even though in the grand scheme of things, you are actually disturbing a lot fewer people, or do you have to stay in your row?

Orlando

# 81 Coming To A Gillette Stadium Near You

"Randy Moss is like a beautiful woman who can't cook, doesn't want to clean and doesn't want to
take care of kids. You really don't want her, but she's so beautiful that you can't let her go. That's
how Randy is. You have to take the good with the bad."

-"Primetime" Deion Sanders

Why I Got Fired/Quit Today

Painting was just supposed to be a summer gig to earn some extra cash (cash is king) this summer. But when my boss tells me to go up 50 feet on a ladder, when I'm not a big fan of heights...well, he can go f*ck for all I care. I don't even like going up 10 feet on a ladder, never mind going up over 3 stories on a ladder that's being supported by sand. So I guess I'll go back to doing what I do so well for the last few weeks of the summer. Nothing.