Enough is Enough: A Public Transportation Manifesto

This may just be my social OCD kicking in here but do you feel that most people act like complete jerk-offs on public transportation? I mean as soon as people set foot into a train/bus station their IQ plummets and their douchebagness sky-rockets. I think we can all agree that its inevitable when you use public transportation to get to work there is going to be a certain level of unsought intimacy. However there are a few simple rules that, if followed, can make our daily commutes just a bit more enjoyable and a little less wretched.

1. To all you Moms and Dads out there please…PLEASE keep your friggin strollers off of the train/bus during rush hour(s). If you absolutely have to have your kids there can't you just carry them? I know, I’m sorry. This can come off as extremely insensitive. But I don’t give a flying f*ck. It’s the truth. A stroller is a menace on a crowded train/bus and chances are it really doesn’t need to be there. Anyone who has played a pseudo game of twister on a train because of trying to jockey around a stroller knows what I’m talking about.

2. When a flood of people are trying to get out the door at a stop and you’re the asshole in the way DON’T stand in the middle of the train! Get off, stand to the side and let everyone get out, then get back on. Its really not that hard.

Speaking of getting off the train….

3. I’m sure you’ve heard this about a million times but for some reason some people can’t grasp the concept. You’re supposed to WAIT for everyone to get off the train then get on. Regardless, every T stop I’m at there is some moron that is fighting the traffic getting off just to get on. First off, if you’re that excited to get to work you need to relax you body. Secondly if you’re that anxious to get a seat chances are you could probably use the exercise of standing.

4. Try your hardest to shower and brush your teeth. No one wants to smell your awful BO or breath.

5. Lastly, unless you are a completely blazin’ chick that smells great people really don’t want to be that close to you. Just do your best to keep your own personal space. We’re in this together guys. I mean we put a man on the moon for christ’s sake, we should be able master the art of riding the train everyday.

Any other thoughts?

Orlando

Don Shula Is Egregious...Plus This Chick Is Pretty Hot

So yet another team starts off the year with a 9-0 record. You know what that means right? Time to call the nursing homes, bust out the polyester suits and interview all those has-been old geezers that were on the ’72 Dolphins. God, I’m so sick of seeing these old assholes. Die already!. I mean these guys are probably the most pathetic losers in sports. Every time a team has a good start they start hemming and hawing about the good ole days. Then again I guess they don’t have too much else to hold on to. Most of their lives have been reduced to drinking Metamucil on a porch, while simultaneously pooping and pissing themselves. So I guess I see where they are coming from.

Anyways Don Shula was approached for an interview by the New York Daily News to get his thoughts on the Patriots season and here’s what he had to say:

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished. You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it."

WTF Don? He goes on to explain the significance of the fines levied on the Patriots and Bill Belichick:

"That tells you the seriousness and significance of what they found, I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record.”

OK Don, you’ve got to be kidding me. Are you really equating Bonds with the current phenomenon that is the New England Patriots? You’ve completely gone over the deep end. Bonds was taking an illegal substance to physically alter his body. The Patriots were videotaping. First off, all teams do this. Secondly, the league permits this as long as you’re not on the sideline! Yes, it was a bad move by Belichick to put that camera on the field but in no way, shape or form does this compare to taking steroids.

Furthermore, I believe the fines are NOT a good indicator of the severity of the penalty. The fines are a great indicator of how psycho Roger Goodell has been since taking over the league. He’s like a crazy broad out there. He’s embarking on the same streak of levying completely egregious punishments that my mom did circa 1997-1999. Absurd!

And one last point. Whats up with people not letting go of records graciously? Hank Aaron did it, Dan Marino did it and now Don Shula/ the entire ’72 Dolphins team is doing it. Although this is nothing new for them, they’ve been known to toast champagne when the last undefeated team falls every year. Jeez fellas get a life, go watch some porn or something.

Gentlemen, its a sport. No record or player is bigger than the game. If you are fortunate enough to hold a record for any amount of time enjoy it and when your time is up don’t be a whiney friggin toddler.

Don't Sleep On Sarah Carter

Last night I watched DOA: Dead or Alive, the movie based on the video game. The game is world famous for the amount of time and money the developers spent on animating the breasts of female characters. They jiggle. They bounce. It's like every 14 year-old gamer's dream come true. And mine. They're mesmerizing.

The movie had 4 amazingly hot chicks kicking ass, and was surprisingly entertaining up until they tried (and failed) to give it a coherent plot, only to end the movie with the girls fighting... get ready for it... Eric Roberts?!

Anyway, I completely, 100%, unabashedly fell in love with Sarah Carter during the course of this movie. She out-hotted the other hotties, even the slutty british assassin/thief, and won my heart! Why have I never heard of her before?! She combines that quintessential Girl Next Door wholesomeness with a body you'd sell vital organs for. She cleans up better than a crew of Mexican maids, and looks fantastic as a dressed-down plain Jane. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman... from a movie... based on a video game.

Schill Stays In Beantown

Reports are coming out of ESPN saying the Sox and Curt Schilling have reached an agreement on a one-year deal worth about $8 million in base salary and another $2 million in potential incentives. I'm glad to hear Schill came to his senses and wasn't sticking to that absurd $13 million number he was throwing around back in February.

Personally I'm psyched as hell about this deal. At first I was a little dubious about signing him again because he was getting up there in age, didn't exactly have a stellar season this year and I really didn't think there was room for him on the pitching staff to be honest. Then it dawned on me. Its Curt F*cking Schilling! Not only that but he's going to be a back of a rotation type guy with a bunch of studs in front of him.

At this point its a known fact that Schill is one of the most prolific big game pitchers of all time. I mean he got a third of his wins (3) in the post season this year. Yes, that means he only won 9 games this season but it also means he shows up when it counts. So why not lock this guy up for our inevitable World Series run next year? Plus, I don't think its such a bad idea to have the youngbloods on our team exposed to Schilling for one more year.

Glad to have you back Schill, here's to another championship next year.

Orlando

This weeks Brest Guest is....

Its officail, starting this week we will have "Brest Guest" of the week. Let us know who you would like to see.

For the 1st time EVER, I sweat the English accent

Let me digress, up until a month ago I would cringe at the sound of an English accent, or anyone from areas remotely close to England for that matter. Put it this way, I would rather sleep with Nightmares mother then have a conversation with someone that spoke with one. HOWEVER... after meeting my next-ex girlfriend last week, I officially sweat it. Not sure why or how this could even happen but now I find myself surrounded by it and loving every minute of it. I added the video just to add credibility.

Big thanks to nutsmagvideos.com for this.