I'm In Love With the Bah-tend-ahh

First and foremost, I can honestly say that Nashville, TN is one of the greatest places on earth. The Commodore is going to have the time of his life while he spends his 2 years at Vanderbilt, and I hope to make many more trips down....even if we've all probably been banned from his apartment from the 4 day bender we went on. Nonetheless, what an amazing city. Coming from an atmosphere up north (everyone's pretty much an a$$hole), to a city where people look you in the eye, and are incredibly friendly....was a culture shock for all of us.

Now that I've made my point. We all fell in love with two bartenders. Lindsey and Joana, from Graham Central Station, were two of the hottest southern bells I've ever laid eyes on. Between the 5 of us, we were split right down the middle on who was hotter....but these girls were as friendly and smokin' hot as they come. In between the $.75 cent Bud Light bottles this bar serves (yes, I said Bud Light bottles for under a buck....we had about 200 in 2 days), these two absolute smoke-shows do a dance on the bar every twenty minutes. The routine involves some serious Rhump Shakin' and other provocative moves that had me completely blown away. And since this is my post, I'm throwing my vote in Lindsey's corner. How is this girl not an absolute star? Well, I'm making a hard push to make her a star. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. She's flawless. Oh, did I mention that you could funnel beers at this bar too....against other people? You know I was undefeated. But my southern bell gets all the credit for holding my funnel just the right way, and leading her Yankee gentleman to victory.

Keep up the good work, Lindsey and Joana. The Win Column gives credit where credit is due, and you girls took care of The Win Column boys this weekend. Next time we're in town, we'll be sure to pay you another visit. And my dearest Lindsey, I love you.


*** In the top photo Lindsey is pictured on the left, while Joana holds it down on the right.

*** Photos courtesy of the Graham Central Station website

Update #3 from Simply Suds -- "Puke on One's Chest does not Attract the Southern Bells"

Suds sent this along yesterday afternoon, but I wasn't near a computer...so, it's just now being posted...

It's Friday, and I'm on double digit beers down here in central standard time. Last night was a complete $hitshow. Our objective was to get some southern bells to cook us grits for breakfast after they woke up on our romantic Aero beds, but what really ended up happening was us finding gold. We ended up at a country bar that was having a promotion.....free Bud Lights. I repeat, free Bud Lights!! So as a group, we probably sucked down 60 of them, along with shots of Tequila and Southern Comfort. On we went to Tootsies (thanks to the reader that suggested this), and we're probably not allowed back. Some muscle head jerk-off from Chicago asked me if I wanted to fight for fun. Seeing as though I have my left hand bandaged up from stitches, I decided against throwing a sucker punch or bottle at the beast. He seemed ok with the answer, until he put his cigarette out on my cell phone because I didn't accept his invitation to "dance". Just as we made our way to the dance floor to boot, scoot, and boogey with some cuntay....we had 2 soldiers go down. One buddy completely threw up all over his chest in the middle of the bar, and another ran to the $hitter and hugged the toilet for a good 20 minutes. Needless to say, we didn't achieve any of our goals.....but we did black out again. Maybe tonight I'll hit for the cycle. We'll see. Have a good weekend!

Update #2 from Simply Suds -- "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"

As promised yesterday, I arrived in Nashville about 14 beers deep and I had a thirst that couldn't be quenched. After somehow running up a $120 tab amongst 4 of us in an hour....we decided it was time to get deep into the mix at a honky bar. Two things I've learned about Nashville thus far...

1. They sure like their country music, to the tune of live music at every establishment.

2. Cougars are everywhere....and their accent is off the hooooookkkk.

Needless to say, we all blacked out pretty hard and don't remember how we got from the bar to our hotel. They apparently don't believe in shot glasses down here....shots consist of half a plastic cup of booze. We have a buddy flying in today, and then we move The Commodore into his new pad. I've been dreaming about this apartment pool for 3 weeks, and I promise not to disappoint The Win Column readers.

Since when did "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" become a cool song?????? Someone should let these people know they look like a$$holes singing this song at the top of their lungs.

Live Update from Simply Suds -- "On the Road Again"

This is Sudsy reporting live from Harrisonburg, VA on Route 81 South. I just had my first cold Bud Light from the inside of The Commodore's Dodge Neon....that looks more like a brothel than it does a car. There is a ton of unused farm land down here where everyone f*cks their relatives, and I now know why people tip cows over....they're smug as friggin' toddlers. They stare as you drive by, and all my fat mouth can do is water at the thought of their t-bone thigh in my gullet.

Last night in DC was interesting. We met up with some college buddies, and The Commodore spent most of the night talking to some young former victim of a slaying. I will say this though about DC....for some reason there are tons of hot escorts running through bars trying to sucker in some guy that is so fat he can't even see his own d*ck. As in, most of these girls are 9's out of 10. I think that's something that Boston bars should look into. I wonder how much it costs to have one of them suck you off in an alley......interesting question.

On the move to Nashville.....catch up with all of you perverts in the near future. I should be about 13 Bud Lights deep by Nashville.....and then things are going to start to get really, really weird.

The Win Column Will Be Blogging Live from Vanderbilt University in Nashville, TN From Weds-Saturday

As Suds and Slowstuff are set to move The Commodore into grad school at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee tomorrow....I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for reading my contributions to The Win Column. There is a decent chance I don't make it back from this trip alive. Do you have any idea how weird I can get down south? Nashville girls are sure to know who I am after this trip. Three things that may happen on this trip:

1) Alcohol Poisoning

2) I get beat up by a red neck

3) I get arrested and nobody feels like bailing me out

...All of which I am completely fine with, since I have zero use of my left hand due to an accident at work last week.....but, I can assure you that I'll be using The Commodore's laptop to provide you all with live updates from this debacle of a trip. I'm excited. I haven't been on a road trip in quite some time, and I have an appetite for destruction. Commodore has a pool on the roof of his apartment building, and I can assure you that from Wednesday-Sunday, no matter the time, bathing suits will be completely optional. He may be evicted by Friday and on his way back home with us. Stay tuned for my Wednesday update......until then, the rest of the fellas will hold this site down while Sudsy heads due south. I just packed my Levi's 501 jeans next to some other weird $hit I'm bringing. Nashville here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*** I'm hoping to get some suggestions on last second items I may be forgetting. Also, anyone that's been to Nashville, feel free to write a comment on some places to go and people to do. Wordddddd.

Where Has Chieftain Been?

It's the question that all the kids have been asking for the past week...

Yes, it's true...I've recently just returned back from Sunset Beach, North Carolina -- a trip of many high's and low's.

This past Monday morning...Sportspen, another reader that we'll refer to as "Terp" for purposes of this post, and myself all boarded Spirit Airlines (the worst company in American existence - but, we'll get to that in another post) at the a$$-crack of dawn.

Some of us returned late Friday evening, while others were forced to return Saturday afternoon (again, because of Spirit Airlines - the worst company in America). All-in-all, I'd give our entire North Carolina adventure a 6.5 (out of 10). There were far too many underage girls, great weather (enough so to make me certifiably black), beautiful beaches, endless golf courses, Myrtle Beach (the most overrated place in history), Wilmington (the most underrated place in history), near arrests (aka, "bottle fights"), fights amongst each other, terrible pick-up lines (aka, "text bandakute references"), and much more. Have I mentioned underage girls yet??? As in, tons-and-tons-and-tons of high school butts. As in, I was the high school prom chaperon in most places (Wilmington being the exception).

Anyways, I won't bore you with many more details...other than my encounter with Julia Stiles at City Limits Saloon (in Wilmington, NC). First off, let me clarify how we discovered this gold mine. After a disappointing 4th of July, we were determined to take Thursday night (which was supposed to be our final night for all -- again, Spirit Airlines SUCKS) by storm...a knock-out punch so to speak (yes, another reference to the aforementioned near absurd "bottle fight"). So, what'd we do?? What all tipsy responsible adults do. You guessed it...we drove 40+ miles to Wilmington. Upon parking, we became ultimate creeps and followed two 10's a few blocks to the land of "Cold Beer...Hot Chicks". Yes, that is the exact slogan of the City Limits Saloon. Upon entering one of the best bar experiences of my life, I immediately walked into a screaming DJ...to the tune of "30 minutes until the Bikini Bull Riding contest" -- as I watched a set of DD's ripping through a shirt that wouldn't have fit the adolescent shoulders of any of the aforementioned high school "tight-butts". My second encounter?? The discovery of America's Hottest Bartender, a 23-year-old 5th Year Senior at UNC-Wilmington. Words cannot begin to describe the body (as in, yes, I just pulled my 'pud to it -- I'm sure Sportspen and Terp have as well) on this goddess.

Anyways...on to Julia Stiles, whom Cosmopolitan has recently declared as the "Least B*tchy Girl in Hollywood" (see the above cover). Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah right!!! Julia Stiles could very well be a nice individual, but let me tell you...her ugly freckled sidekick is a kick in the nuts! What am I talking about, you ask??

Ok, allow me to step back for a minute. I have a routine -- meaning...when I enter I bar, I instinctively scour the entire scene for "talent". During this process, I will undoubtedly discover some "potential" that is assured to be hit on before night's end. If none is prevalent to the keen eye, then odds are that I'll be on to bigger and better bars...sooner than later. Well, as you probably already figured out for yourself...the City Limits Saloon was packed with eye candy. In one corner, you had said bartender...in another corner, you had the finest that L.A. has to offer (a brunette named Courtney that was visiting her friend - by the way, I love her)...in another corner, you had the two 10's that we followed into the bar...in another corner, you had the dozens of bikini-clad "bull riders" (you think I'm kidding, don't you?)...the list goes on-and-on-and-on.

Oh yeah, how'd I forget...in another corner, you had Julia Stiles, her ugly freckled friend, and the 280 lb. man that Julia Stiles was kissing on all night. Yes, you read that correctly. Julia Stiles, a "7" on her best day (but receives major points for being a celebrity), was demonstrating serious PDA with the fattest dude in the bar -- a guy that was rockin' an EXTRA LONG braided belt (I know this because his shirt was tucked into his fat stomach). On my walk to the restroom, I had to refrain from punching this fat man's face in. Needless to say, I was in awe of what I was watching. It reminded me of my overweight ex-roommate and his girlfriend...only 100 times worse. I just had to interrupt and do something about it.

For those of you reading that don't know me, I can be blunt. In this instance, however, I wanted to play my cards perfectly. After all, if I banged the snot out of Julia Stiles, I would have taken endless photos -- and, coincidentally, The Win Column would currently be the most popular site on the net. So, what did I do? I positioned myself in prime real estate. And, what do you know...but no more than 2 minutes later, Julia Stiles was dancing within 12 inches of me to the tune of "Dipsy-Do" and "Cotton Eyed Joe". Whaaaaaaat???? Mr. DJ, you just killed my flow. As a white dude, I consider myself an above average dancer...BUT, I don't have the slightest clue when it comes to country!

As I waited the songs out and shot the $h*t with Sportspen, Terp, and every other chick that I had fallen in love with for that one night, I kept thinking to myself...what was I going to do/say to break the ice with Julia Stiles??? After all, I was doing this for the good of The Win Column. It's my duty. In the end, I opted to go with my usual "confident approach" -- meaning, I walked directly over to Stiles' crew, looked her fat-a$$ man in the eyes, looked Julia in the eyes, and then casually introduced myself. Normally, this makes girls melt. I've yet to experience Hollywood, but I'm guessing that I might need a new tactic if I were to ever decide to move there. During this brief conversation, Julia seemed approachable -- however, I sensed some awkwardness...after all, I was deliberately trying to sway her away from her "man".

10 minutes later...I watched Julia's obese boy-toy get up for the bathroom. Thus, I immediately swooped in for the kill...to the tune of her ugly-freckled friend's wrath. Along with Terp, I approached Julia... shared a few words, and then...BOOM! The friend's jealous rage (at least, that's what I'll call it) was unleashed on my a$$. I honestly don't think another girl has ever yelled at me in such a manner. This girl's acne was spewing everywhere, all while her yellow teeth acted as night-lights. And, Julia just let this b*tch keep yappin', didn't say a word, and looked in the other direction. To be honest, I was confused and didn't know exactly how to react. So, I simply laughed at the beast, shook Julia's hand, and winked as I backpedaled.

At the end of the day, I have a few questions for the readers...

• What did I do wrong? How could my approach been improved?
• Should I have mouthed off to "Queen Complexion" (and Julia Stiles)?

As I'm in the process of moving and preparing to leave for Jamaica this coming Wednesday (life is good), I know I have a lot of posts and additional stories to catch up on. I'll do my best to do so...

http://www.ci.wilmington.de.us/mayorpress/2006/0707_outdoor_film_series.pdf

Celebrate Your Independence With Hot Chicks, Beer, and Grilled Meats

There is nothing that gets me fired up like the 3rd and 4th of July in America's Hometown. The 3rd of July is pretty much a $hit show from sun up to sun down...that usually starts at a beach, and ends when I wake up somewhere random early on the 4th, not remembering where I am or how I got there. Why would this year be any different? I don't really see it being any different. Especially, since I plan on celebrating the 3rd of July early, as in, tonight the 2nd. Why not? It's nice out, the bar has plenty of clam and ice cold Bud Light.....not to mention I hear that The Commodore and Nightmare are in town. Things have the potential to get really weird later. Nightmare has already informed me that he left his ID in Boston, so now we have to beg for his miserable, stinky self to be let into some sort of establishment. Way to go Nightmare, you jerkoff. We're about to go on a 3 day drinking bender, and you forget your license like a pervert going to a rub-and-tug.

I hope everyone celebrates their Independence in style over the next few days. And by that, I mean that I hope you hold a Roman candle too long and you burn yourself so you have a miserable 4th of July. May God bless the troops, hot chicks, beer, grilled meat, and anything else that gets your rocks off.

Enjoy the holiday.