F*ck You Piping Plovers

As I set out for a 6th consecutive beach day today, much to my dismay, I was reminded of what really chaps my a$$ in my hometown every single f*cking year. For those of you who are not familar with the Piping Plover, it's an endangered little rat with wings that happens to lay eggs only on the coastline of my local beach....pretty much ruining a good time for everyone.

On a good day, 100-200 cars roam the beach. On a day like today, I was anticipating 200-300 cars, tons of hot chicks in bikinis, and more ringers in the horseshoe pits than normal. I was greeted by a complete oinker in a wildlife uniform (that could have signed up to challenge Kobayashi in the local hot dog eating championship) that informed me that only 25 vehicles would be on the beach today. 25 f*cking cars? Not only that, but I arrived at 9am to get the Dikembe Mutumbo finger point that I was car #27, and I was $hit out of luck. If she thought I was going to park 100 yards away and drag a cooler containing 30 of the coldest Bud Lights mankind has ever seen, and 2 of the most glorious Italian subs these fat eyes had ever seen.......well, unfortunately, she was dead right. As there was little-to-no c*ntay on the beach, a damper was put on my day....so, I sulked and sucked down two of the most glorious hoagies of all time. Num num nummmmmmmmmm.

These birds should be killed at first sight. How the hell is a little flying rat going to ruin everyone's summer....especially on a 95 degree day. They should be fried in deep oil and served as buffy tenders at all local restaurants. Nothing would make me happier than to see a live Piping Plover submerged in scorching hot oil. Tweet tweet, you little sand f*cker.