Satisfaction Guaranteed with John C Reilly

Pee-Wee's Playhouse - 1st show (full episode)

The secret word for today is Door.

This is quality just for the opening intro.

Go Get'em Wimpy.

Best Body In The U.K.?

I introduce to you Abigail Clancy. Clancy was catipulted into the British tabloids after finishing second in Britains Next Top Model contest last year. She's obviously a very healthy girl with wondeful attributes. She's got perky little apples, a killer body, and of course a butt that won't quit. But wait it gets better! She's got a vicious coke problem as well. Every guy's dream right?

Another one of her claims to fame is being involved with English soccer star Peter Crouch (whom I'm sure most of you nitwits don't even know). During last year's World Cup, when Crouch and Clancy's relationship was heating up, pictures began to surface in British tabloids of Clancy getting her crunk on while having her ex-boyfriend's ball bounce off her face. She was sent home, disgraced by the WAGs (which apparently stands for Wives and Girlfriends of the English soccer team...including none other than Victoria Beckham). Ahhh the Brits with their clever acronyms...what will they think of next!

After Clancy hit rock bottom, her boyfriend, Crouch, dumped her by fax issuing a statement via his lawyer disclaiming any further involvement with her saying "In light of this, I wish to make the situation absolutely clear: Abi and I were in the early stages of a relationship which, for a number of reasons I decided to end, and accordingly informed Abi of my decision." Hows THAT for British chivalry!!

Either way Abigail, I'm cool with your shenanigans. Come to this side of the pond and we'll show you what real men are made of!

Orlando

Is It Right To Make Fun Of This Guy Or Not?

Personally I'm torn. Part of me started rolling on the ground when I first saw this. However, seeing as how I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in my life the other part of me kinda feels bad for this poor crackhead. Either way this guy sure can carry a tune right? I'd be willing to bet that his next stop after leaving the stage was the buffet table, and not for the food either...he was all about stealing that silverware baby. Praise the Lord!

Orlando

Is This Chick Worth $100,000?

In a word: No.

In two words: Hell no!

In three words: No f*cking way!!

In the biggest gaf since K-Fed allowed Britney to sign him to a pre-nup (and honestly, I still think he made out pretty well in that deal), Greg Colvino agreed to pay his girlfriend, Elisa Kwon (above), $100,000 if he didn't keep play by the rules as her boyfriend.

Why the hell would anyone ever do this? It blows my mind! Colvino just casually cut a check for a hundred grand and gave it to Kwon so she could cash it if he was caught misbehaving?! For serious?

Anyway, they're in court this week... I'll give you three guesses why, and the first two don't count.

Apparently, Colvino, a 45 year old Wall Street trader, agreed to give up the following for his girlfriend:

Strippers
Prostitutes
Drugs
Staying out late

Just for the sake of posterity, you might want to put "his balls" on that list too.

It astounds me that a guy making sick Wall Street funny-money would be willing to give up his coke infused nudie club binges, staying out till 4am just to see which strippers were actually hooking, and how much cash he had to throw on the runway in order to stop window shopping and finally purchase the goods. Where is your commitment to a lifestyle, guy?

Oh wait, here it is:

"...Kwon,in a motion to dismiss filed on Sept. 20, said Calvino's drug use and wild ways with women entitled her to the money... after he went out with fellow RBC traders to ogle the girls at Flashdancers and do cocaine"

This motion to dismiss was in response to Colvino's suit claiming extortion on Kwon's behalf. Extortion? Dude, you gave her a check for $100,000 and said, "cash it if I f*ck up." Then you went out and did blow all night with your thousand-dollar-suit wearing cronies, tearing up the town and leaving a trail of broken hearted, "coulda lived the dream" strippers behind you... so she cashes the check. It seems like the only real issue here is a severe lack of foresight on your behalf.

Kwom also claims that Colvino admitted to failing a Rite-Aid drug test. I'm not even sure a) why he'd take one or b) why he'd divulge the results to his check-having, already obviously suspicious girlfriend. Are you nuts?!

One thing I am sure of, however, is that Greg Colvino is an idiot. How can you possibly be good enough with money to be a successful Wall Street trader, but bad enough with money to think that giving your girlfriend a check for a hundred thousand dollars is a good idea?

TheWinColumn applauds your accidental philanthropy, Mr. Colvino, and hopes that the next chick you drop that much cash on is way better looking.

Check Out The Cans On This Drunk Chick...

"I didnt' have too much to drink. If I had to much to drink I wouldn't be able to speak" for some reason makes perfect sense to me.

Doda Elektroda Is Stupid Hot And A Genius.....Seriously

OK, this is a paradox. Yes, this chick is polish and obviously a very, very healthy girl. But it seems like every other broad coming out of eastern Europe is an absolute dime these days (God Damn You Sportspen!), so no surprise there right? What IS a surprise is that Doda is polish AND a bonifide genius. No joke. She has an IQ of 153. Just to give you a frame of reference it was estimated that Einstein had an IQ in the range of 160. So not only can Doda make your jaw drop, but she can also explain the fundamentals of quantum physics (while you stared at her titties).

In 2000, at the age of 16, she joined the polish rock group Virgin as a singer. In 2004 she was accepted in to Mensa. Mind you, the only membership requirement for Mensa is an IQ score within the top 2% of the population. Currently, there are 100,000 Mensans living in 100 countries around the world. In other words....membership is reserved for supa smaaaht people. And the hits just keep on coming! Doda really burst on the scene in 2005 when she posed for the polish edition of Playboy.

Basically, Doda is the perfect girl in every way, shape and form. She's everything you'd ever want in a woman: she's beautiful, smart, and european. Normally I like my chicks dumb as rocks, but in her case I'd make an exception.

Orlando

Canadian Justice

I'd like to introduce you to the man who's really turning it around for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, a pioneer of sorts, one Constable Burke Huschi. Huschi was recently fined two days pay for punching a diabetic man in the head after misidentifying him as a drunk driver... I'm sure we've all made similar mistakes.

Howard Oakland, a horrifically lawless diabetic, was leaving Royal Inland Hospital when low blood sugar got the better of him. He lost the ability to control his vehicle and coasted across a 4 lane highway before coming to a rest on the other side. Two nurses who saw the incident ran to assist the potentially dangerous, yet mostly unconscious Howard, but before they could be assaulted by this insulin junkie, Huschi saved the day!

The National Post quotes an excerpt from the Royal Candian Mounted Police Disciplinary Board's decision:

"Const. Huschi demanded Mr. Oakland exit the truck and, when the driver failed to comply, handcuffed one of his wrists and tried to pull him out. 'Const. Huschi then struck the driver once in the head and again on the upper arms and chest.'"

Our neighbors to the north are known for many wonderful attributes: free health care for citizens, fantastic beer, great hockey teams, and permissive women. What they are NOT known for is a swift and brutal justice system. However, as of this day that may change! For the first time in history people may have a reason to fear Mounties... especially if you’re diabetic.

TheWinColumn salutes you, Constable Huschi, for your quick and astute actions that have brought a modicum or backbone a previously spineless Royal Candian Mounted Police . We wish you the best of luck in your anger management classes, and hope they do little to curb your renegade law enforcement style as you continue your crusade to eradicate this sickening rash of rogue diabetics. You, sir, are the Canadian John McClane.

For the full story, visit: http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/canada/story.html?id=3786eef0-401f-48f7-bc79-79ba7d1003cc

Achy Breaky Pregnancy

For those readers of TheWinColumn who are NOT rampant pedophiles (so, like 4 of you) I give you Miley Cyrus, aka. Hannah Montana. Miley is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, perhaps the worst country singer to ever strap on a pair of cowboy boots, and is the star of the #1 show on television for teens... oh yeah, she's also 15 years old and pregnant.

Yup. Preggers at 15. Here's to being ahead of the curve, I guess.

Honestly, I can't say I'm all that surprised. With the recent behavior to come out of Disney Channel chicks, does one of them being knocked up really shock anyone? And what the f*ck is Disney doing, giving these girls water bottles spiked with Spanish Fly, E, and Rufinol?

It also wouldn't surprise me to hear the Billy Ray had done the honors himself. Sure, Billy Ray has traded in the epic mullet he sported during the Achy Breaky Era for some incredibly gay looking, layered salon cut (nice highlighted streaks by the way... pussy), but I'm sure he still has enough inbred, redneck DNA in him to bang his daughter.

Miley confirmed her pregnancy in a recent J-14 Magazine interview:

"Yes, sadly it's true. Miley herself confirmed the pregnancy rumors during a J-14 interview. 'I'm going to take good care of my baby. I've already gained 7 pounds. I was in real shock when it happened accidentally. I went a little too far. I'm sorry to all of my fans'," .

It "happened accidentally"? For reals? Some dude accidentally put his c*ck in your 15 year-old cooch with no protection, then accidentally came all over the place, then you accidentally didn't go to Planned Parenthood to get a morning-after pill. This sounds like a load of horsesh*t to me.

We can only hope that Miley takes the alimony she gets from this, goes to the orthodontist, and fixes that f*cked up grill of hers. Goddamn thing looks like the vampires from Blade II.

Sunday = Funday: Elin Grindemyr

As a first order of business for supporting the right for Swedish women to go topless the world over I'd like to introduce the readers to Elin Grindemyr...

Swedish Women Fight for Right To Bare Breasts

I love Swedish women. I absolutely LOVE them. Tall, blonde, gorgeous... I might even go as far as to say that if I could only hook up with one nationality for the rest of my life, I'd exclusively hook up with Swedish chicks.

That's why this news piece caught my eye. And by caught my eye, I mean gave me an embarrassing semi at work. The details of this story are too good to be true! Kristen Karlsson and Ragnhild Karlsson, who are 21 and 22 respectively (and oddly NOT related) are college students in Sweden. Recently they were banned from bathing topless at their local pool. THIS IS A TRAVESTY!!!!

...sorry, I get worked up about human rights issues.

Continuing: these two Swedish hotties are now petitioning for their right to show their beautiful Scandinavian ta-tas, stating that it imposing on their rights as women to bar them from going topless.

You can't fight this kind of logic:

"On Wednesday, the two women sent a letter to the Equal Opportunities Ombudsman explaining that they saw no reason for men an women to be treated differently. If anything, a bikini top could be accused of drawing unnecessary attention to a woman's breasts."

Have you ever oogled a pair of bikini-clad boobies, sir? I rest my case.

Clearly this is a movement we can all get involved in, and I think that TheWinColumn can solidly put its full support behind these two young, verile, and undoubtedly hot pioneers of the Swedish feminist movement.

To recap, hot twenty year-old Swedish coeds try to go topless and are thwarted by an authoritarian lifeguarding regime. You can't make up sh*t this good!

For the full story, go here: http://www.thelocal.se/8557/20070920/

Donovan McNabb Is A Whiny B*tch

Boo friggin hoo Donovan. So you’re latest rant is that you stink this year because there is too much pressure on you (and other black QBs) because no one wants you there and you have to try harder to impress. Waaaaaaaah! Give me a friggin break. That excuse is so weak I want to smack you but my hand is too small to give your fat face an adequate jolt. I’m so sick of people playing the race card in sports, and in particular football. You play in a league that is DOMINATED by African-Americans. The majority of the league is black for christ’s sake. But no, you have to come out and say Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning don’t have it nearly has hard as you do. Maybe that’s because they’re way better and you stink this year. Is that at all possible Donovan?

What about Eli Manning, Joey “ I just wanna be a back-up” Harrington or even Chad Pennington. Those poor bastards get killed by their fan bases and the national media. Chad Pennington got cheered at home (at home!) when he got hurt for crying out loud! Do you think he has it tough because he’s a pickle? Joey Harrington doesn’t know what the hell to do. He’s been trying like hell to be a back-up QB anywhere and everywhere he goes he falls ass backwards into the starting job and stinks worse than curdled milk.

Donovan, don’t get me wrong. I like you as a person, I think you’re a great QB and an above average leader of a team (although that performance in the waning seconds of the super bowl, arguably the most defining moments of your career, was about as gross as a wet fart after chili). I’m sure if the Eagles let you go (which I don’t think they will) the majority of NFL teams would kill to get you. Do you think maybe, just maybe its not that you’re black, its that you play in Philly which has the WORST fan base in the history of professional sports? So don’t use the race card dude, you’re better than that. Its too easy to throw down the race card when you stink to take the attention off of your abysmal play. And if the last thing you’re thinking about as you try to thread the needle to Brian Westbrook is that you need to hit this pass because black QBs need to try harder to gain respect, then maybe you need to re-prioritize your concentration?

P.S. On a complete sidenote can we PLEASE have weight limits for flight attendants I'm so f*cking sick of having their fatness rub up against me when the woddle up and down the aisle

Orlando

Happy Birthday Keeley Hazell!

No lie the first line of Keeley's wikipedia site reads "...is a British Page 3 girl and glamour model noted for her large yet non-augmented breasts. " Yet another reason why the British are completely cleaning our clock when it comes to hot chicks. Also, upon further review of what exactly a page 3 girl is, it turns out there is a newspaper in the U.K. called The Sun that every week will publish a straight up butt-naked photo of an absolute smoke show. Bingo! Sign me up for that paper. Too bad this country is a bit to sexually repressed to trust the general public with that.

Anyways Keeley happy birthday! I hope the asshole that gets to see you in your birthday suit chokes on his tea and crumpets.

Orlando

Cornstarr's Arrival at TheWinColumn

Seriously, this is how I got here. Ever since I first tried the Inflatable Body-Pod Suit (which retails on the internet for a mere $107.14) it has become my preferred mode of transportation whenever possible. Not to mention the fact that when you're 8 beers deep, it's just about the most fun thing you've ever done in the water with your suit on. Or off. Depending on who you are and how you roll.

I look forward to building on the wicked sweet foundation the previous writers from TheWinColumn have built, and solemnly pledge to bring you the best in sports, music, hot chicks, beer, violence, and things that make you say, "what the f*ck was that all about?" People are going to sh*t all over me, and I'll sh*t all over them, then we'll go out and kill Bud Lights (to bury the hatchet) until we get in a fist fight when they find out I f*cked their sister last month and now she's late. It's gonna be awesome.

Boston Turns 377 Today And Adriana Sklenarikova Is Friggin Gorgeous

What a great day. Coming off a weekend that saw the Patriots absolutely destroy the Chargers and prove once again that LT is a whiny bitch and Philip Rivers probably didn't even make his Pop Warner team. I was so friggin pumped by that win that I almost forgot the Yanks took two out of three against the Sox this weekend. But it doesn't matter because we're still up. But on this great day as most of us are enjoying the quintessential turning of the seasons in New England, we should take time out of your day give props to Beantown. Yes, yes ladies and gentlemen today is Beantown's birthday and I bet most of you didn't even know it. On this day back in 1630 the Puritans founded the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Those brave lads laid the foundation for the city that you and I rountinely stagger through every weekend. They are directly responsible for creating those shady alleys that provide ample darkness for us to exploit our vices if we see fit. So tonight, in case you needed another reason to go out drinking other than MNF, have one on Beantown....its been so good to you through the years.

Which brings me to my next point: Adriana Sklenarikova. She has nothing to do with Boston, has never been here, and probably couldn't even say the word if you asked her to. But guess what?? Her birthday is today AND she's ridiculously hot and I'd lick her armpits. Apparently she's credited with making the wonderbra popular in Europe and her cans were pasted all over the place back in the day.

Orlando

This chick makes my palms sweat!!

Rocio Guirao Diaz, best thing since spell check

Professional Athlete's Wives Suck At Life

I'm not really sure what to make of this one, but part of me thinks that this must be a joke. Recently an avid reader of the The Win Column (I know I couldn't believe we still have those either) pointed a website out to me that is completely dedicated to catering to athlete's wives and I've been baffled by it ever since.

I always thought that professional athletes wives had basically won a lottery of sorts. They were essentially plucked out of relative nothingness, and not only brought into the national spotlight, but ever since the day they said "I do" the 'working world' as you and I know it ceased to exist for them. They get put up in million dollar homes, get pimp cars, have people wait on them hand and foot and never......EVER....have to worry about working another day in their life. If their husband is a super star, and they aren't completely heinous (i.e. Kurt Warner's wife) they might end up on national TV or some sh*t. Right?

Well apparently life for professional athelete's wives isn't all chocolate chip cookies and gum drops because they have a website (http://www.prosportswives.com/) that is designed to give " self-help, motivational articles, approved announcements from the leagues and management, and informative news from government agencies such as the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the United States Secret Service, and other league security officials, to inform members on scams and schemes created by individuals who prey upon and steal from athletes and other famous, wealthy people."

"Motivational articles". What in christ's name do they need movitational articles for? Randomly being dropped into the lap of luxery isn't motivating enough you whiney sluts?. The website goes on to say:

"Have you ever noticed how a wife has a knack of turning a house into a home? Or can take an empty refrigerator of leftovers and turn it into a full meal? And, what about that special kiss, or those comforting words that can infuse invisible strength and empower our loved ones to go out and tackle any situation and kill Goliath!"

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most athletes wives aren't struggling to cook dinner every night. Their personal chefs are, but not them. And I'm not sure maxing out your husband's credit cards is 'turning a house into a home'. But hey, thats just me.

So next time you're done paying the monthly bills and check the bottom line in the bank account and you're less then enthused. Just imagine how tough it could be to be married to a millionaire.

*Thanks to Staci for the heads up

Orlando

Jane Seymour Is 54 And Still Gives Me An Erection

I can admit it. I don't care if you don't believe me but I've been a fan of hers ever since I used to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman with my grandmother when I used to spend the night there on Friday nights. I actually think its sexier that she's 54. If any of you guys can actually watch that scene in Wedding Crashers where she makes Owen Wilson touch her tittie and NOT think she's sexy then you're living a lie. She was a friggin Bond girl for christ's sake (Live and Let Die 1973).

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