F-U B's

Ok, I understand that not too many people like the NHL anymore. I, however, am a diehard. I stuck with it through the strike, the rule changes, and about a thousand horrific seasons from my team, the B's. Now this might just push me over the edge.

We just made a trade for Manny Fernandez (for those of you who don't know, he is a goalie from the Minnesota Wild). How can a Mexican make our hockey team better? I could really give two frozen cat sh*itsicles about who we got rid of. We traded some Czek flamer named Petr, or Jarka, or Douchebag. I'm not really sure what his exact name is.

What I am sure about is the fact that I am heated right now. We just traded for a guy that is going to take up 10% of our salary cap. He might be a good goalie (I think he is mediocre), but there were other options. How about Martin Gerber? He is a 33 year old guy who shut out the Canadiens in a slugfest in the 2006 Winter Games. Granted, one game does not define your career, but it shows that he is a solid goalie, who could easily take the place of Tim Thomas.

Let's not forget that we have (according to everything that I have heard/read) an absolute stud goalie waiting in the wings in Tuuka Rask. He would have been our everyday tender last year, but he had to fulfill his obligation with the Finnish Army. So Basically, the B's just need someone to fill in while Tuuka becomes the next Patrick Roy (or for every B's fan, Rejean Lemelin).

I am sorry about this rant -- that most people don't care about, but I grew up watching the B's, and I get a little angry when our new GM (D-Bag von A-Hole) makes an idiotic trade. I wish I could just watch Bourque, Neely, Rosie, and Reggie all over again.

In the meantime, I'm just going to be the 1988 B's on NHL 2K7 and relive the glory days, when hockey wasn't such bullsh*t.

FU Chiarelli. Go to hell.

It's All About the Commodore Today....

I want to be honest with all of my readers. Most people would lay low during a day when they had to attend a party in Boston for their best friend that will be attending grad school 1500 miles away....but not Sudsy. I went to the beach today and had about 18 Bud Lights...and let me tell you....I am completely $hit-hawked out of my mind. I have no idea how I even took a shower and managed to look this good...because I am about an hour away from making the trip up to Boston to see my best friend, and celebrate his last month in town. Sure, I'll probably creep out about 56 girls I went to college with, and maybe 51 of their friends....but you know what....QUITE FRANKLY, I don't give a flying f*ck. Today is the Commodore's day. I plan on making an absolute mockery of the Bell 'N Hand Tavern at 7:30pm EST. And you can put that on the boooooooooooooarrrrrrrdddddddddddd...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Long live MJM....the Commodore. We'll miss you buddy. Now here's to me getting kicked out of your farewell party.....much like Franky Thomas got ejected from his 500th HR game.

Cheers everyone, have a safe and happy weekend.

Danny Ainge, Call Me...ASAP!

God, I really should be a GM...

Similar to how I was laughed at around the last NBA trade deadline when I suggested that the Celts peddle their (at the time) impending 2007 1st Round draft pick, Theo's expiring contract, and Gerald Green (who absolutely sucks at basketball) FOR Pau Gasol, I'm back to save the Celtics organization again!

Now, re-read that trade offer that I suggested, this past winter, after countless nights of analyzing every team's roster (and contracts). You're telling me you'd rather have Ray Allen over Pau Gasol??? If so, check yourself into the nearest clinic, as you're clearly delusional.

Why was I laughed at?? Sh*t, the C's had a 19.9% chance at saving their future...that being Greg Oden, and ONLY Greg Oden (Kevin Durant & Paul Pierce does not work as a tandem). Looking back on it, the odds proved to be consistent -- and, the C's obviously weren't granted the #1 pick. As expected. This is the problem with Boston fans -- they have NO CLUE (they want to give away nothing and, in turn, acquire everything). For just one minute, take your blinders off and ask yourself this...

Would you rather have 19.9% chance at Oden, or a slam-dunk in Gasol?? To me, it was (and obviously still is) a no-brainer. I was simply playing the percentages.

In hindsight (and in typical fashion), I come off looking like a genius...while the rest of Boston is wallowing around sucking their thumbs! But, have no fear...I'm back!

Danny - you want to move Theo's contract for another piece, right? THE PRIMARY TEAM YOU SHOULD BE IN DISCUSSIONS WITH IS THE DENVER NUGGETS, whom desperately need to slash payroll in the coming years (they are in salary cap hell).

Your targets?? Two players...Marcus Camby & Nene Hilario. When healthy, both are interior studs...both rebounding and defensive studs! Imagine that?? Exactly what the Celtics so desperately need.

The logistics...Theo is signed thru next year at $11.67M. Nene, 24, is signed for the next 4 years...to the tune of $11M, $12.1M, $13.15, and $14.2M, respectively. Camby, 33, is due to earn $8M for the next 2 seasons, and $7.65M in 2009-10.

Nene would be the ultimate piece, as he is a YOUNG interior mainstay that the C's would be able to build with (both currently and in the future...with Jefferson). However, the C's also must take into consideration that Big Al's qualifying offer (of $3.47M) comes into play after this upcoming season. Thus, depending on the undetermined salary caps of the future, Celtics management would have to understand that Jefferson's next contract would likely place them above the cap for one season...that being 2009-10 (Ray Allen's last year under contract).

Camby?? I would absolutely fawn over such an acquisition. Yes, he's 33 and an injury risk...but, he's clearly not slowing down -- evidenced by the fact that he was just awarded the NBA's Defensive Player of the Year award. When healthy (he played in 70 of 82 games this past season), Camby is as much of a defensive game-changer as Oden. Yes, you read that correctly.

So, here are the trade options:

• Theo Ratliff's contract, Gerald Green, and either Sabastian Telfair/Ryan Gomes (Nuggets choice) FOR Nene Hilario & a throw-in (again, Nuggets choice)


• Theo Ratliff's contract, Gerald Green, and their 2008 1st Round pick (with Camby, the Celts would certainly make the playoffs, so giving away this pick would be a no-brainer) FOR Marcus Camby & some stiff throw-in to make the salaries match (that may or may not end up being cut)

In turn, the Nuggets would then be MAJOR players in the trade market for the rest of the offseason...and thru the February '08 trade deadline.

Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Al Jefferson, Nene/Camby

...Ladies & gents -- that's your Eastern Conference champs.

Why is there no talk surrounding these names?????????

Danny, I can be reached at thewincolumn@gmail.com. I'm awaiting your word as well as your job...

Which Boston Athlete Will Start Opening Day for the Pats?

With the Celtics acquisition of "Big Baby" Davis (far right), Bill Belichick has a tough decision on his hands going into training camp.

Who should start at tight end for the Pats this season?

We all know that Willy Mo Pena (center) and Davis will have little impact on their respective teams, so why not have them along side Ben Watson (far left)? Belichick sweats tight ends and I am willing to give him two more........

Sharapova Wins Today at Wimbleton

I know, I know...no one cares that much about tennis, but her victory today is an excuse to post a picture of her enjoying a victory snack.

"It's just a weird situation, because you know the rain is coming. You're just thinking you might be a match point up and you have to go and wait to finish the match. It's a little bit of a tense moment." Well Maria, I couldn't agree more.

The Cool Kid of The Day Award Goes To.......

Reppin' Boston and, at the same time, giving Paris Hilton bunny ears (or a failed attempt at the shocker). Hopefully, she was treated better in prison.

More Steven A. Heckling...

Just in case some of you weren't aware of how this "society" originated, here is the video (same guys) from the 2006 NBA Draft.

And, yes...these hecklers are corporate lawyers in NYC. True story.

Quite Frankly, This is Hilarious...

As discovered by Deadspin, the "Steven A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen" were back at it during last night's NBA Draft.

Couple things I learned from this...

- This video reconfirms my infatuation with Mike Conley, Jr.

- Going forward, Joakim Noah will always be referenced as the "People's Princess" (and rightfully so).

- As the puppet so eloquently notes, Spencer Hawes is going to be a BUST. Anyways, does anyone recall his interview with Stuart Scott last night?? You know, the one in which he claims he's going to become a better basketball player by working on improving his athleticism?? Huh? Spencer - I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your "athleticism" is what it is...it can't be improved. If his name were not "Spencer", he'd be getting a lot of sh*t for being such an idiot. Just stating the facts.

Cheez Doodles!!!!

Revenge of the Nerds Song

Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds, Nerds!!!

iPhone is Here. Nerds Unite

Today is the day that so many Jedi Powered Nerds have been looking forward to since at least January.

At last, the iPhone is available to the public. This guy, Greg Packer, has been waiting in-line since Monday...

What did this guy give up to be first in line? A lot of peanut M&M's.

Greg is clearly at the pinnacle of human achievement, unfortunately his home life isn't as glamorous.

CRISP THIS COCO

I love Coco. When I say this, I am not talking about Boston sports. The pimp himself, Ice T, sees this pose frequently. The best thing about Ice T is not his recurring role on Law and Order or his ancient rap albums, the best thing about him is the fact that he sees this pose from tons of chicks......and his wife is cool with it.

The Natural Little League All Star

I came across this video on Youtube while trying to find a mammoth little league home run to feel good about. I'm pretty impressed with whoever this kid is. All I know is that he's nicknamed the "viv" and that he played on a nasty Merrimack, NY 12 year old all-star team. His swing is pretty much textbook.

But let's talk about the effort his dad put into his highlight video. All my dad did was swear at the top of his lungs when I didn't get a hit, and would withhold daily meals as a punishment for errors or strikeouts.

Let the kids play.

OK, Last Full House Related Post For The Week

Sorry, but I have to do one more. While doing all this research based on the previous John Stamos post I uncovered some interesting news about our old friend Stephanie Tanner (aka, Jodie Sweetin) . She is now fairly hot. In one of these pictures, she looks a little dumpy. But that dumpy could easily moonlight as completely trashy, which automatically equals complete freak in the sack. I almost had mixed emotions while I was looking at these pics of a girl I onced shared every weekday afternoon with, but I got over that quickly. Yea, thats right....I'm not afraid to admit that I watched Full House all the time in my younger days. Who cares....maybe I still watch. Go f*ck yourself.

No matter which way you slice it, I think Jodie Sweetin is pretty hot and I'd LOVE to get a Full House two-some with DJ in the mix. Sweetin combined with Candace Cameron and the Olsen twins pretty much makes Full House the Montreal Expos of sitcoms in terms of churning out talent well ahead of its time

Orlando

One More Thing

Ray Allen's PPG stats the past 3 years:

04-05 ....23.9
05-06.....25.1
06-07.....26.4

In case this is not evident, this is called an upward trend.

Attention Seattle....

There is about to be a shortage of all hair spray, gel, moose, and 'Got 2 Be Glued' products in your area. Stock up while you still can, because the ankle grabbing, a$$ spreading, pooh jabber known as Wally Szczerbiak is coming to a local store near you.

Don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out, Wally......YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope your ACL , MCL, and ankle leave you with a Frankenstein-esque limp. You jerk.

Quite Frankly, I Think You're a Douchebag

Enough is enough. I mean, did anyone else get tired of hearing Stephen A. Smith yell every time he had the opportunity to talk last night? Both Tirico and Bilas were completely fine during the whole draft, and by fine, I mean they were being normal and not yelling at the top of their lungs while sh*ting on every teams draft moves EXCEPT the Knicks (not that surprising because Smith is admittedly a HUGE New York fan for all sports). Quite frankly Stephen, your style sucks. Take the hint. Your show was cancelled on ESPN after a year. Your appearances on any ESPN programming is dwindling faster than Nightmare's hairline. And earlier this year, you sunk so low as to take a cameo appearance on General Hospital just to get some cash.

Whats up with the anger dude? Relax, smoke some dope or something. You don't have to keep perpetuating the angry black man persona just to keep your job. You can 'keep it real' in other ways...try reporting the facts objectively, and then giving a well thought out opinion instead of just yelling....just a thought. Either way, a good first step for you is to take a big fat chill pill and maybe not talk for awhile. Am I way off on this?

Orlando

Voice of Reason

Ok, I've had a night to sleep off my hangover -- and re-think every little detail of the 2007 NBA Draft...

Last night's draft-day trade for Ray Allen was clearly a move of desperation, a move guided by Paul Pierce. Not necessarily a terrible thing.

Who received the better end of the deal? Oh, Seattle absolutely did...that goes without saying. For Ray Allen (who turns 32 next month)...who by the way, is coming off ankle surgery of both cankles (the same surgery as Wally), the up-and-coming Sonics landed themselves the PERFECT complement to Kevin Durant in Jeff Green (at #5 overall), Wally Szczerbiak's contract which expires in 2 years ($12M and $13M, respectively), & Delonte West, whose game I dislike...but let's be honest, (besides Rondo) West is the only other player that could have gotten both Pierce and Allen the ball in favorable spots (it's worth noting that Allen has never been able to create his own shot, and Pierce is becoming more-and-more that way). No??? Then, please tell me why the Sonics have sucked for years now??? After all, Pierce and Rashard Lewis are more comparable players than anyone in Boston would like you to believe.

And, Suds...please don't even mention Glen "Big Baby" Davis as part of this deal, as his fat a$$ is (at best) a 9th Man in the NBA -- which isn't good news for Celtic fans -- remember, Doc Rivers refuses to set a rotation, as he wants to keep every player happy (yes, even stiffs like "Big Baby").

But, at the same time...as a Celtics fan, I am 75% on board with this trade (assuming Ainge completes at least one more BIG trade this offseason). Allen's contract is TERRIBLE -- he's signed through the 2009-2010 season ($16M, $17.4M, $18.8M for the next 3 seasons), BUT he clearly makes the team better offensively...when healthy.

Bottom line...my primary concern about this team's current roster is DEFENSE (rebounding is another area which requires immediate attention). As an Ainge supporter in the past, I'm beginning to wonder if he even watches the NBA playoffs. For the past decade (Miami being the lone exception), defense has won EVERY year. With the exception of Rondo and Tony Allen (an injury question mark with no minutes on this team now), they C's don't possess a single other player that could lock down The Commodore.

The best move of the night by Celtics' management? The drafting of Gabe Pruitt!! As I mentioned in yesterday's Final Mock Draft (http://thewincolumn.blogspot.com/2007/06/final-2007-nba-mock-draft.html), I was praying that Pruitt somehow dropped to #32. As it stands now, Pruitt must add muscle (and, thus, is a few years away from making an impact)...but, believe me -- Pruitt can stroke it...he's a very smooth player (but again, he can't defend)! Quick...when's the last time the C's had a PG that could shoot a jumper??? And no, Kenny Anderson doesn't count.

Ok, I've done some research now (actually a lot of research)...the hope around Boston last night was that the Ray Allen trade could eventually make way for another trade, thus, landing Kevin Garnett. The most discussed option included a package of Theo's expiring contract ($11.7 M) and Al Jefferson ($2.5M next season, and a qualifying offer of $3.5M in 2008-09) FOR "The Big Ticket" ($22M for next season, and a player option for $24M in 2008-09).

Call me crazy, but $14.2M doesn't come close to matching KG's $22M salary next season (and yes, I'm well aware that contracts don't need to match EXACTLY if trades are made during the offseason). You want to know what the rest of the Celtics roster is scheduled to earn next season?? With no further ado...

• Kendrick Perkins - $4.5M
• Brian Scalabrine - $3M
• Sebastian Telfair - $2.6M
• Tony Allen - $1.9M
• Gerald Green - $1.4M
• Rajon Rondo - $1.4M
• Ryan Gomes - $770K
• Leon Powe - $687K
• Allan Ray - $687K

And, oh yeah...if Ainge is somehow able to land KG (and convince him to re-sign), the Celts will have $59.4M locked up between just 3 players (KG, Pierce, and Allen) in 2008-09. Newsflash...that doesn't work, especially when you consider that the C's current payroll for the upcoming season is ALREADY $63.4M, the 10th highest in the league. Granted, I don't know what the salary cap will be in 2 years (no one knows for certain), but I can assure you that the NBA salary cap does not increase at an exponential rate.

FYI (updated information)...this past year's salary cap was officially $53.135 million. Additionally, the mid-level exception was $5.215 million.

In the end...for the next 3 months, Ainge will need a new phone plan. Last night was a start...but by no means, the end. At the very least, it's an exciting time to be a Celtics fan, as this is the most publicity the team has received since the Rick Pitino Era.

I Love This Deal

I absolutely love the deal the Boston Celtics pulled off last night for the following reasons:

1. We became a competitive Eastern Conference playoff team.
2. We had to make a deal and either bring in a veteran or trade Pierce. If we draft a player in that position, the first losing streak forces Pierce to complain and ask for a trade. Then where are we? We would have a lot of young talent without knowing who would pan out.
3. We still have tremendous flexibility! Our main chips before the draft were the #5 pick, Theo Ratliff's contract, Big Al, and Gerald Green. We got a superstar and only gave up one blue chip! Are you kidding me!

Will we win a championship with this team as is?....Hell no. There is at least one more deal in place (we have to get rid of Theo). Look at next year, too. Pierce and Allen will still be nasty. Jefferson should be 10 times better, as should Gerald.

Needless to say, I am excited. My chubby is about the same size as the time I accidentally hammered my thumb! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going in the bathroom to wack off to either Ray Allen in a Celtics jersey or the hot 23-year-old, 4 month pregnant woman sitting accross from me! Happy Friday, you dildos.

Chris Farley Lives

This title says it all. Chris Farley has been reincarnated as a smug little toddler.

“Great, I’ve got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!”

I Don't Know $hit About Hoops....

...But I am a math wizard. And I know that when you subtract Delonte, Jeff Green (#5 pick, suck my d*ck), and Wally (see ya when your 'Got 2 Be Glued' haircut finally lets loose you f*cking overpaid stiff, bum, c*nt), and add Ray Allen and "Big Baby" Glen Davis......I actually feel decent about the draft. Sure I don't know anything...but I like the shake up.

Anybody that knows me, knows that I sweat Ray Allen and he is on all of my fantasy hoops teams. Welcome home Jesus Shuttlesworth.....we love you.

P.S. I am super blacked out, and you can all suck my a$$. Bud Light 4 life.

Hey Papi!!

A post from Chieftain, some weeks ago, called for a better music video than he had posted. Well here it is, a f*cking classic! This video has it all, bling, b*tches, boobs, booty, and booze!

Karinne Stephans, aka "Superhead" is all over this video. Even Pam and that other chick from "VIP" make an appearance, in Hova's Phantom! This is Rocafella Records in its prime...absolutely killing it!

Malibu Gets It Done!

Do you remember when these modern day Titans risked there life's day in and day out to compete on the most honorable battleground, known as "American Gladiators." I loved this show! Especially the hot MILFS in singlets. It's funny Malibu kind of reminds of Simply after spending all day roasting in the sun!

Mid-Draft Thoughts...

I was on the treadmill watching the draft and had to cut my workout short to work-up this column before my thoughts all blended together and became mushier than my soon to be sunburned a$$. So here goes...

David Stern lost some serious cache during that opening monologue. Ta-ta-ta-ta-day-David. Widely recognized as the most well-educated and well-respected commish around, Stern utterly bombed. I'm gonna send him some Hooked on Phonics for kwanza.

Second, go back to Duke and get some new material, Jay Bilas. Your brothers and sisters (that's lawyer speak for colleagues) would be ashamed. Of Mike Conley, Jr., Bilas noted "He's not a good athlete, he's a great athlete." Just one pick later he said of Jeff Green, "He's not a good passer, he's a great passer." C'mon dude, that's just weak.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here (say that 3 times fast Stern), but Suds could do a better job after 25 ice cold ones.

Furthermore, I cannot believe I'm saying this, but Stephen A. Smith as been pretty good thus far. Normally the guy is pecker, but in the shadows of Bilas his animated insight has been refreshing.

Per usual, Mike Tirico has carried the broadcast and Andy Katz has contributed some solid analysis.

All in all, I give it a "C+" to this point. But who am I to judge.

Ann-Marie Losique

As a follow up to the previous post regarding Ben Affleck absolutely man-handling Ann-Marie Losique, I felt obligated to follow up on the utter hotness of Ann-Marie. F*ck Ben Affleck...

John Stamos Has Absolutely NOTHING on Ben Affleck

In a related story to a previous post that shows Full House star John Stamos completely sh*tcanned on camera the above video will prove that Stamos is a distant second to one, Ben Affleck, when it comes to being plastered in front of the camera. This interview was pulled from a Quebec talk-show where the host, Ann-Marie Losique, wanted to interview Affleck in the weeks leading up to the premiere of Jersey Girl. Affleck proceeded to put on one of the best displays of a 'full-court press' these eyes have ever seen. The interview took place on a Sunday morning, so I feel fairly confident in saying that Affleck was up all night boozin' because he is obviously three sheets to the wind in this video. This might be a good indicator as to why he had to check into rehab later on in 2004. Either way, I have waaaaaay more respect for Affleck after seeing this clip. Enjoy!

Orlando