I Stand Corrected...

I posted below that I couldn't possibly think of a more "me-centered" athlete than A-Rod. I was wrong. For some reason, god knows why, Kobe Bryant didn't come to mind.

However, if you saw him bitching and whining his way through the Lakers' opening night, you got a good reminder. Like Yankees fans souring on A-Rod, Lakers fans are turning on Kobe. Any why not? He's been jerking LA fans around like a girl who loves you, but you're not all that into, so you hook up with her and don't call her, but then you get drunk one night and text her so you can get some ass, and then go right back to not calling her, or maybe IM with her just to lead her on.

Anyway, Kobe gave a sulky press conference after the game because he didn't get a call at the buzzer. I'm sure the fact that his team lost last night had nothing to do with the fact that its a shell of its former self because he destroyed the chemistry that won them 3 championships, or because his egomaniacal demands continue to alienate him from his coach and team.

Robert Goulet RIP

Robert Goulet passed away today at the age of 73. I'm posting this clip as a tribute. We'll miss ya Robert. You really knew how to class up a joint.

A-Rod Makes it to the World Series!

If you think that Scott Boras didn't time the announcement that A-Rod will be opting out of his contract with the Yankees to coincide with the Red Sox World Series victory, you should check yourself into a mental ward, because you're clearly dillusional.

For those of you who missed it, Boras announced, just prior to the game last night, that A-Rod was going to test the waters to see if any other teams are foolish enough to mortgage their franchise to get him (they phrased it differently, of course, but the principal remains the same). A-Rod had until 10 days after the World Series to make this announcement, so why do it during the last game? Because he's A-Rod, the most self-serving, me-athlete on the planet. If you can think of one that's bigger, please let me know.

So instead of talking about how great the Red Sox were, or how the Rockies amazing streak came to an end when they ran into to the buzzsaw of Red Sox Nation, or how incredible it is that 2 rookies batting 1 and 2 would put up 7 runs, or how Mike Lowell went from trade afterthought to World Series MVP, we were forced to hear about A-Rod.

Poor Peter Gammons was disgusted. When asked about where A-Rod might go, he began to answer the question, then it dawned on him that the Red Sox were behind him celebrating their second World Series win in 4 years, and he was talking about A-Rod, and he put everything in perspective by ripping A-Rod on national television. This is one of many reasons for which I love Peter Gammons.

So it's official: Everyone hates A-Rod. Everyone in the league hates him because he's a prick, and the Yankees fans that rooted for him now hate him because he's leaving the team to try to get more money... so that begs the questions - Does anyone like A-Rod? Anyone?! I can't think of a red-blooded American who would stand up and say, "I'm a huge Alex Rodriguez fan." Hell, just writing it made me throw up in my mouth.

Term of the Week

Triple Crown

Traditionally, the Triple Crown refers to the 3 biggest races run by 3 year old thoroughbreds. There are different triple crowns in other countries, but in the US its the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. Winning all 3 races gives a horse the Triple Crown, and is considered the greatest accomplishment possible for a race horse.

However, there is now a second meaning to Triple Crown, as it is currently being used to refer to perhaps the worse possible end to a night of binge drinking. Surprisingly (or not, depending on the circles you run in) some people will go out and get so bombed that they puke, piss, and sh*t themselves. Accomplishing all 3 of these tasks wins the unlucky f*cker the Triple Crown, and will undoubtedly get them kicked out of whatever bar or house party they are at.

Manny Likes To Keep It Simple

First let me start by saying that that game last night was just filthy. The Sox are an absolute juggernaut right now. Beckett pitched a gem and continued to dominate the 2007 post season like a fat girl dominates the Old Country Buffet lunch special. Manny was 3-4 with 2 rbi, 3 runs and a walk but a way more hilarious stat for Manny is that he's 2-2 with naming kids. The above picture shows Manny's two kids: four-year old Manny Ramirez Jr. and 13-year-old Manuel O'Neil Ramirez. Thats right people, he named BOTH of his kids Manny! I realize this isn't unprecedented but it is highly uncommon which has sort of come to embody the idea that is 'Manny being Manny'. Just take a moment and try to imagine what some of the dialogue must be like around the Ramirez house. I say Theo locks both the Minny Mannys up ASAP. God I love Manny.

Orlando

If You're Trying To Kill Time Before The Sox Game....

I highly recommend logging in some time watching girls kiss. Its usually pretty cool. I mean at least give it a shot.

Top 10 Sexiest Halloween Costumes

Okay ladies, listen up. In preparation for Halloween, I am giving you my list of the Top 10 Sexiest Halloween Costumes. Please, PLEASE, wear one. Any one.

1.

Sexy Teacher
If you think Van Halen was lying, think again.


2.

Sexy Cowgirl
Who wouldn't want to saddle up and ride... this chick?


3.

Sexy Devil
God I love evil women. If there is anything that can make Satanism sexier, its a great pair of legs.


4.

Sexy School Girl
The all time, heavy weight champion of sexy costumes. Even moderately attractive chicks look super hot in this get up. And look Norman, she's smoking a butt! CUPID, DRAW BACK YOUR BOW!!


5.

Dirty Librarian
I'd take her to the quiet section and make her teach me the dewey decimal system.


6.

Sexy Whore
Sounds a bit redundant, but whatever...


7.

Sexy Alice in Wonderland
Actually, this makes me feel pretty dirty... and is therefore my favorite.


8.

Sexy Detective
I'd really like to do an in depth investigation of her crime scene.


9.

French Maid
This is one of the ONLY times something French is awesome.


10.

Pocahontas
Go ahead, make all the poking jokes you want.



Runners Up:


Sexy Ghostbuster
Who you gonna call?



Hot Ref
She can make all the bad calls she likes, I ain't saying sh*t.



Sexy Cop
Man, Sir Psycho Sexy was right.



Sexy Football Fan
I'd root with her all day long. NOTE: In Australia, "rooting" also means f*cking. ALSO NOTE: She's wearing kneepads!!

This Sh*t Has Got To Stop.

If you ever wanted more evidence that corporate America is sticking its collective finger in the ass of our national pastime, you need only watch the ALCS on Fox. Condolences everyone, the white-haired, suit-wearing, country club constituency has taken over. Please be sure to wear pleated gap khakis and a polo shirt to every game.

I pity the American youth; kids who grow up idolizing our big league phenoms, but who can't even watch the games because they run until 1 in the morning. And why? So TV execs can make some more money. It's all about market share and advertising revenue. These dickheads could give a f*ck less if little leaguers can't watch their heroes, because they stand to make an extra buck by starting the game at 8pm, or 9pm, or 10pm. It's ridiculous.

What's wrong with starting the game at 6:30? You get out of work at 5, and unless you have the worst f*cking commute on earth, you can still make it home or to a bar by 6:30. Hell, you could even watch the game with your kid, what a novel f*cking idea!

Start times aside, look at the content those corporate assholes are cramming down our throat. Count how many ads for erectile dysfunction you have to watch during the course of a game. Seriously, count them. It's almost every ad break. And why are they putting these on? Target marketing. They know their audience: it's old rich men who can afford to blow money on pills so they can get hard. Sickening.

I can't imagine being a parent and having to explain to a kid why in the name of god's green earth someone might suffer from a 4 hour erection. These ads for Cialis and Levitra are simply disgusting: they feature these old f*cks sitting in swing-chairs on porches, stroking one another's cheek lovingly and staring into each other's eyes with a look that says, "when these pills kick in, I'm gonna f*ck you." Is that really an image I need during a baseball game? Old people f*cking?

And in case these gross, wrinkly, pill poppers are worried about having a heart attack while humping their brains out, they have Lipitor being pushed their way by some creepy alien named Dr. Robert Jarvik. This is what our national sport is pushing in between the 5th and 6th inning at 11 o'clock at night: lower your cholesterol, get a hard on, and diversify your portfolio. What in the sweet name of Jesus H. Christ does this have to do with baseball? Or ANY sports? For the love of all that is good and sacred, sell me some f*cking Gatorade!!

The message being sent is simple: F*ck the fans. We're more interested in selling product X and we've identified a market segment that is more important than your love for the game. Want proof that they don't give two sh*ts about real baseball fans? I give you Fox's coverage. To say it is horrible doesn't even come close. It is horrendous, appalling, deplorable, sickening, and an affront to all humanity. Anyone who knows anything about baseball can't even watch it because its so incredibly dumbed-down. Their correspondents are either offensively annoying or yawningly bland, their play-by-play makes me want to pull a f*cking double Van Gogh, and the pre-game show is so god awful that I'll have virtually any other channel on up until the first pitch. It's total bullsh*t.

So f*ck Fox, f*ck market segments, f*ck Tim McCarver, f*ck Cialus, f*ck these stuffed-shirt, overweight, pleated gap khaki-wearing, ED having, white bread, brainless, executive f*cks, and just give me back baseball. The sport. The game kids play and love and watch on TV... not this perverse money-making machine.

Term of the Week

Granny Dumping

A big shout out to Chuck Palahnuik on this one. If you haven't read Choke yet, do yourself a favor and pick it up. Whatever sick sh*t is going on in your mind, it won't even compare to what Chuck is dealing with upstairs.

Granny Dumping is a concept that Chuck turned me onto. There are people who get sick of dealing with their relatives when they are old, senile, crazy, stinking of death, and can't even remember who the f*ck they are anymore.

So what do they do? They take them for a ride. They bundle up Grandma, put her in the car, drive her out to the middle of f*ck ass nowhere, and then leave her there with no identification and no way to get home. Hell, she doesn't know who she is, let alone where she lives.

Eventually she'll get picked up and turned into the authorities, and then put in a care home. Or wander for days and die. Either way, she's no longer an anchor on anyone's life.

Kenny Lofton Must Smoke Crack.

It’s the only possible explanation for his shenanigans last night. Lets see Beckett is 6-5 222 lbs. and Lofton is 5-11 and 180 lbs. soaking wet. Not to mention Kenny is old enough to be Beckett's grandfather. So the fact that Lofton would charge Beckett like he was going to throw his little fists of fury around means he’s either delusional or hitting the pipe. Not only that but what’s been up with Lofton's jerk-off behavior the entire series? In particular during the Dice-K start when he took about five minutes to get into the batter’s box every at bat. Or when he came out for a curtain call in game 3 when he hit the home run in like the third inning or some shit. Relax your body Kenny. It was in the early innings of a game three…still a lot of baseball to be played.

Usually you acquire veterans on your team to bring leadership and experience to a club you expect to go deep into the post-season. Typically, they keep their mouth shut, let their play do the talking and lead by example. Pretty much exemplify the “act like you been there” mentality. In other words NOT pull some hot-headed douchebag crap like Lofton did. Either way the Indians are f*cked. Friendly Fenway is going to be a shit storm this weekend. So here’s to the Sox in 7!

Orlando

I Have A New Love.....

And her name is Gabriela Quintero of Rodrigo y Gabriela. I saw this duo last night and was absolutely blown away. They rocked the party. It might have been the most impressive display of guitar talent I’ve ever seen. If you watched the video already you know what I’m talking about, if you haven’t yet stop reading and watch before going on. The only thing bad about this band is when you try to recommend them to other people you’re force to say ‘y’ instead of ‘and’, and in doing so sound like a complete holier than thou douchebag that has to use the Spanish pronunciation. My advice, don’t be that guy.

This might just be me but in my opinion a chick that can absolutely shred on guitar is so friggin sexy that it gives me a boner. Not just any boner though, one of the ones that stays around for way too long and if you want to walk around without being a pervert you have to try to tuck it into the waistband of your boxers. You all know what I’m talking about. Anyways this chick IS super sexy. She addressed the crowd a few times last night and had a raspy-broken English sexiness going on that made me holler ‘No Mas!” because I was getting over stimulated. Not only that but if you forward that video to the 3 minute mark and check out the crazy wrist action she has going on it might just restore your faith in the fact that there is a lady out there that can still give a hand-job worth a damn!

Orlando

You Be The Judge...

As a follow up to SlowStuff's previous post I wanted to throw a question out to readers. Personally I love Ben Affleck. The dude has pretty much no talent and some how weaseled his way into Hollywood and poked some of the hottest tail around (in their prime mind you!) and basically acted as a man-whore for the past 5-7 years. I know.... every dudes dream.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that there isn't an abundance of great scenes from Affleck floating around. Yes, he had some great ones in Dazed and Confused but, in my opinion, not the same caliber of Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting. He peaked too early...but I'm sure a few of us a familiar with that. So my question is which scene is better....Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting?

HUMP DAY INSPIRATION

With the weekend creeping towards us, some of us may need a little pep talk, to fire us up a little. This clip should fire you up and get you through the work week!!!! Remember, NO PIKERS!!!!!!

Memories... of the way things were.

Remember the good old days? As in last Friday, when the Sox wiped the urinal gutters of Fenway with the Cleveland Indians? Man, those were the days! Just thinking back to that drunken victory makes me ask... was it really only 5 days ago?! WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED?!?! This clip shows what we were supposed to see: Gagne doing mop up duty after Manny, Papi, and The Puerto Rican George Clooney (aka. Mike Lowell) destroy Cleveland's aces.

And what did we get instead? For the last 2 games the Sox have consistently hit into double plays with runners in scoring position, failed to score against Cleveland's mediocre 3rd and 4th pitchers (how great did Westbrook and Byrd look because of us?), and allowed Cleveland's bats to make our bullpen look like a bunch of hacks.

The Sox get a solid F for games 3 and 4. Fail. Terrible. Stop playing because it hurts me to watch you suck this much.

Think about how great you felt on Friday. Now think about how terrible you feel this morning. For serious, what happened?

Finger Bombs

There has got to be a way that this guy can translate this into getting some chicks, just based on dexterity. If he can do this, he must be able to handle dual finger bombs in a three-way. Just thinking outside the box. Or inside the box. If only we could get them to overlook the inherent geekiness of rubics cubes... I feel the same way about guys who are sick with yo-yo's. It's like, "You've just shown me something that is supercool, but somehow exempts you from ever getting laid."

In other news, I woke up this morning and poured orange juice on my cereal. I'm pretty sure that disqualifies me from ever being able to do something this coordinated.

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

Not going to happen, I know!! I have been waiting for this one fellas. Sure all you geeks out there watching Heroes week nights on NBC know about her, and I'm sure you know she recently turned 18. Just because she is of a legal age doesn't make you or I any less of a perv'.

Do I feel any better about myself now that she is 18??? Not really sure!

One thing I know for sure is Hayden Panettiere is one the cutest chicks on TV. Besides, don't pass her up just because she may be younger than your little sister. Hayden is and will be one of the hottest chick in Hollywood someday.

She's a hottie with a smokin' little body and a classic beautiful face! Do yourself a favor and take a quick break from Monday Night Football and check out Hayden Mondays at 9p.m. on NBC.

Sophie Howard and Science

Dear readers of TheWinColumn, please meet the future Mrs. Cornstarr...

But more importantly, according to the London News men should ejaculate more. Yup. You heard right. This was an actual scientific study.

To help in this endeavor, I give you all Sophie Howard. When it comes to motivation, she's like the Tony Robbins of getting guys to fire off a couple of knuckle-children. If the scientists doing this study had allowed access to her pics it would have skewed all the data because the men participating would have been jerking off like a bunch of spider-monkeys on methamphetamines.

Boston College Sucks And So Do All The Smug Pricks That Go There

I found this picture on Barstoolsports.com and thought it pretty much was the most accurate portrayal of Boston College around. Evidently the story goes these BC fans saw Rudy in a BK and asked to take a picture with him and at the last second the pickle in the middle turned around to show off his very...VERY...witty shirt. Well done my friend, way to outsmart a middle aged dude that didn't even want to be talking with you smug pricks in the first place. BC 'superfans' don't visit cities they infest them.

Lets get something straight here (cough) superfans. Notre Dame is a pillar in the college football community. Always has been and always will be. Boston College sucks. Matt Ryan is arguably the weakest Heismann candidate in the history of the award. The Eagles might be the most over-hyped team in the country. And guess what....you're number 3 in the country and still nobody cares.

Although I'm not that surprised that a bunch of BC students didn't show any type of respect for a guy that had to fight for everything he ever got and basically got the crap kicked out of him on a daily basis just to play (on the practice squad!)for the Irish. That must be a real stretch for a BC student to relate to. Its called tradition. Other than a lucky pass by Doug Flutie what is BC known for? Something tells me we're not going to see any of those types of stories come out of Chestnut Hill any time soon. Just a thought.

So stay classy Boston College. Enjoy your current success. In 10 years you'll be back in the college football blackhole and nobody will give a shit about you. But hey, take solace in the fact that you'll still have a bunch of sissys on campus. You and Meterperel are a match made in heaven.

Orlando

Term of the Week

Wafflestomping

The Brits out-swear us, out-slang us, and just plain out-filthy us on a consistent basis when it comes to language. They have words that are so disgusting we don't even know what they mean. For example, if someone called your sister a slapper, slag, or said they'd pull her, you'd know you were being insulted, you just wouldn't know how.

This must end.

In an effort do expand the breadth, depth, and luridness of the American-English lexicon, I am offering up the term of the week. Call it a f*cking education.

Each term of the week will be pushing the boundaries of decency, expanding your mind (or more likely, the gutter in which it will exist), and basically give you new sh*t to throw at your friends over a beer or six.

With this in mind, I begin with Wafflestomping:

Wafflestomping has 2 meanings. The first, and more widely used, means beating the ever living piss out of somebody to the point where the tracks of your boot are left all over their face, leaving a waffle pattern.

The second, and more hilarious usage, comes from stupid hippies who want to conserve water... or perhaps from ultimate utilitarians, depending on your perspective. In order to save time and to avoid the awful hassle of using a proper toilet, they will take a dump while in the shower, and then stomp it down the drain with their foot. Needless to say, you don't want to be housemates with these folks.

...and the next time you're getting busy, and you're sucking on some hottie's toes, remember this post. Then pray you don't catch hepatitis.

Titletown...

I’m so friggin sick of hearing about this so called ‘showdown’ that is going to happen down in Dallas this Sunday. Has a game ever been this over-hyped? The Pats are only giving the Cowboys 4.5?!?! That’s absurd….borderline disrespectful! Brady is going to absolutely shred the Cowboys secondary. Not to mention that Bruschi is going to hit that twerp Romo so hard and so often that ridiculous f*cking dimple is going to end up side by side with his a-hole. I predict Romo moping around the sideline by mid-third quarter with a sour-puss and a backward zubaz hat on walking around like Fred Willard mumbling “whaaa happen?”.

Anyways onward to more immediate issues. The Sox are about to embark on their final journey to the World Series. I’d be surprised if this series goes more than 4 games. As long as Dice-K brings his egg roll ball and chicken chow mein change-up a sweep should be evident. Ready for another surprise? I’m predicting right here and now that good ole’ J.D. Drew is going to be World Series MVP. That’s right folks….you heard it here first.

Furthermore, have you seen any of the preseason Celtics games? Garnett is an absolute beast. I know its early and there is a lot of team chemistry that needs to transpire but you gotta like what you’ve seen so far…right? Who cares that the Bruins stink, hockey stinks like last weeks dirty diapers anyways. I wish it would just go away....its embarassing.

My point is this. I’m a huge Boston sports fan. To the point where I will argue points so vehemently that I will have no problem pouring a beer over an elderly woman’s head and slapping her in the face. But at this point in time Beantown really is Titletown. So enjoy it while it lasts kids because the likelihood of ever seeing this again in our lifetime is not very high...so be proud.

Orlando

Satisfaction Guaranteed with John C Reilly

Pee-Wee's Playhouse - 1st show (full episode)

The secret word for today is Door.

This is quality just for the opening intro.

Go Get'em Wimpy.

Best Body In The U.K.?

I introduce to you Abigail Clancy. Clancy was catipulted into the British tabloids after finishing second in Britains Next Top Model contest last year. She's obviously a very healthy girl with wondeful attributes. She's got perky little apples, a killer body, and of course a butt that won't quit. But wait it gets better! She's got a vicious coke problem as well. Every guy's dream right?

Another one of her claims to fame is being involved with English soccer star Peter Crouch (whom I'm sure most of you nitwits don't even know). During last year's World Cup, when Crouch and Clancy's relationship was heating up, pictures began to surface in British tabloids of Clancy getting her crunk on while having her ex-boyfriend's ball bounce off her face. She was sent home, disgraced by the WAGs (which apparently stands for Wives and Girlfriends of the English soccer team...including none other than Victoria Beckham). Ahhh the Brits with their clever acronyms...what will they think of next!

After Clancy hit rock bottom, her boyfriend, Crouch, dumped her by fax issuing a statement via his lawyer disclaiming any further involvement with her saying "In light of this, I wish to make the situation absolutely clear: Abi and I were in the early stages of a relationship which, for a number of reasons I decided to end, and accordingly informed Abi of my decision." Hows THAT for British chivalry!!

Either way Abigail, I'm cool with your shenanigans. Come to this side of the pond and we'll show you what real men are made of!

Orlando

Is It Right To Make Fun Of This Guy Or Not?

Personally I'm torn. Part of me started rolling on the ground when I first saw this. However, seeing as how I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in my life the other part of me kinda feels bad for this poor crackhead. Either way this guy sure can carry a tune right? I'd be willing to bet that his next stop after leaving the stage was the buffet table, and not for the food either...he was all about stealing that silverware baby. Praise the Lord!

Orlando

Is This Chick Worth $100,000?

In a word: No.

In two words: Hell no!

In three words: No f*cking way!!

In the biggest gaf since K-Fed allowed Britney to sign him to a pre-nup (and honestly, I still think he made out pretty well in that deal), Greg Colvino agreed to pay his girlfriend, Elisa Kwon (above), $100,000 if he didn't keep play by the rules as her boyfriend.

Why the hell would anyone ever do this? It blows my mind! Colvino just casually cut a check for a hundred grand and gave it to Kwon so she could cash it if he was caught misbehaving?! For serious?

Anyway, they're in court this week... I'll give you three guesses why, and the first two don't count.

Apparently, Colvino, a 45 year old Wall Street trader, agreed to give up the following for his girlfriend:

Strippers
Prostitutes
Drugs
Staying out late

Just for the sake of posterity, you might want to put "his balls" on that list too.

It astounds me that a guy making sick Wall Street funny-money would be willing to give up his coke infused nudie club binges, staying out till 4am just to see which strippers were actually hooking, and how much cash he had to throw on the runway in order to stop window shopping and finally purchase the goods. Where is your commitment to a lifestyle, guy?

Oh wait, here it is:

"...Kwon,in a motion to dismiss filed on Sept. 20, said Calvino's drug use and wild ways with women entitled her to the money... after he went out with fellow RBC traders to ogle the girls at Flashdancers and do cocaine"

This motion to dismiss was in response to Colvino's suit claiming extortion on Kwon's behalf. Extortion? Dude, you gave her a check for $100,000 and said, "cash it if I f*ck up." Then you went out and did blow all night with your thousand-dollar-suit wearing cronies, tearing up the town and leaving a trail of broken hearted, "coulda lived the dream" strippers behind you... so she cashes the check. It seems like the only real issue here is a severe lack of foresight on your behalf.

Kwom also claims that Colvino admitted to failing a Rite-Aid drug test. I'm not even sure a) why he'd take one or b) why he'd divulge the results to his check-having, already obviously suspicious girlfriend. Are you nuts?!

One thing I am sure of, however, is that Greg Colvino is an idiot. How can you possibly be good enough with money to be a successful Wall Street trader, but bad enough with money to think that giving your girlfriend a check for a hundred thousand dollars is a good idea?

TheWinColumn applauds your accidental philanthropy, Mr. Colvino, and hopes that the next chick you drop that much cash on is way better looking.