THE WIN COLUMN

Best Olympian Ever or Beneficiary of Circumstances?

2008-08-17T22:43:00.002-04:00

Okay, I get it. Mike Phelps is a great swimmer. Probably the best in the world right now. But with the breaking of Mark Spitz’s record there’s the claim that Phelps is the best Olympian ever. He might be…but what are we basing that on? I’m not even 100% sure what that means. Does it mean that Phelps is the best athlete that’s ever competed in the Olympics? I mean if the Olympics are the hallmark athletic event and you’re being dubbed the best Olympian ever I guess that means you’re the best athlete right?

Its clear that Phelps is a freak of nature and has completely bent his sport over and had his way with it. However, if I was an athlete either competing in this Olympics or in the past I’d be friggin’ livid about dubbing Phelps the best Olympian ever. Lets see, Phelps has a record 8 gold medals which means he’s had at least 8 chances (actually he swam 17 times so he had 17 chances!) to medal. What if you make the Olympics as a soccer, hockey or baseball player? Last time I checked you only win one medal for winning those events.

I’m not all that well versed in the arts of swimming but I get that for Phelps to win 8 medals he has to use different skill sets in each race. But isn’t baseball a five tool sport? Don’t all sports require a variety of athletic ability? You don’t also get a gold for most home runs hit or most bases stolen. If you did it might level out the playing field if you’re basing the title Best Olympian Ever solely on medal count.

I guess we should just give Phelps the limelight for the next 5 days. After all what’s really out there for him when he comes home? Being the spokesperson for USA swimming? Baseball, football and basketball are so big in this country the NHL can barely keep its head above water so I don’t think swimming has a chance in hell of getting a piece of the pie. Also, how often are we really going to talk about Phelp’s accomplishment…..2 weeks? A month…. maybe? How often did you hear Mark Spitz’s name until a week before the Olympics?

So in closing well done Mike Phelps. You definitely killed it this Olympics. I’m not ready to give you the title of Best Olympian Ever BUT I hope you can leverage this performance into getting some poon so you can stop slobbering all over your gross sisters and mom. I’ll look forward to watching highlights of your performance every four years.

Orlando

Finally….Somebody Gets It!

2008-08-14T19:14:00.002-04:00

If you haven’t heard yet Swedish Greco-Roman wrestler, Ara Abrahamian, pulled a classic hissy fit after winning bronze today. During the award ceremony, after he was given the bronze medal, he packed up his marbles, stormed off and threw his medal to the ground. I first came across this story while getting pretty lit in an airport bar so I didn’t get any sound. At first glance I thought this was the first act of protest, during the games, against the current situation in China. To be honest I was almost interested for 2 seconds then I figured if some crazy psycho was going to protest the games the least they could do is streak an event, or punch a Chinese person in the face on TV but this?? C’mon dude, throwing a medal is so (sigh) predictable.

However! After further review it turns out this pud was just pissed he didn’t win gold. I don’t blame him. I play to win too. Some people would say just medaling in the Olympics is a symbol of a lifelong achievement. We have a name for those people where I come from. Losers. He’s claiming the judges screwed him and he may have a point. The three judges were from Switzerland, Cuba and Canada. Put those three countries in a room together and all bets are off. Its rumored Abrahamian flashed the blood hand sign to the judges after he stormed off. The Win Column Olympic Correspondent couldn’t be reached to confirm or deny this claim.

In his only comments post match he said “This will be my last match. I wanted to take gold, so I consider this Olympics a failure”. Personally I like his style. I’ve been living my life by a new rule for the past 6 months. If you can’t win just quit. So kudos to you Ara. Well played good sir. Let that be a lesson for all you kids out there. If something doesn’t work out just quit, sulk and have a Swedish meatball.

Busily,

Orlando

Even Air Jordan Did it Twice

2008-01-04T18:51:00.000-05:00

I'll admit, this is a very sad day for me....even though none of you should really give a damn....or judging by the current state of this sorry excuse for a website, will ever get to read this. I've decided to hang up my blogging jersey for the 2nd time in 10 months. They say you should go out on top, when the game just isn't fun for you anymore. Well, we never came anywhere close to the top, but just like COUGAR in Top Gun.....I've got to turn in my wings. To quote him exactly...."I've lost the edge."

If you fellas decide to keep living the dream, you all have my support, and I'll be sure to write funny comments and make fun of all of your misery. It's been real, it's been fun, and you're all still a bunch of perverted prick fucks!

I'm Just Saying

2007-12-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend recently and he brought up a good point. Why is it that both Marquise Hill and Sean Taylor tragically passed away this year but it seems that Hill is all but an after thought but every time I turn on TV there is some type of tribute to Sean Taylor?

For all intents and purposes Hill was a much nicer guy. He spent a ton of time and a good chunk of his paycheck to help rebuild New Orleans after Katrina. After being drafted in 2004 Hill spent the bulk of his time in the off-season at his alma mater, LSU, where he trained and mentored current LSU players. If you do any type of research you’ll be hard up to find anyone say anything negative about him.

Taylor, on the other hand, had his bouts with good decision making. I won’t get into all the dumb sh*t he did at University of Miami in light of keeping this post brief. But during his rookie season (among other things) Taylor was fined $25,000 for walking out on a mandatory rookie symposium. He was fined 7 times that year for late hits, uniform violations and unsportsman-like penalties culminating in a $17,000 fine for spitting in the face of TJ Houshmandzadeh. Evidently 17k ‘aint no thang’ to Taylor because this retard did the same thing the following year when he was ejected from a game for spitting at Michael Pittman (of which he was fined 17k……again).

Other than the fact that Taylor’s fines were financing the NFL’s operation budget in 2005 Taylor was charged with aggravated assault with a firearm and a felony and misdemeanor battery charge. All this was because of a dispute over two ATVs. For real.

So after looking at both resumes I’m surprised the NFL hasn’t at least memorialized both players equally instead of saying absolutely NOTHING about Hill. Don’t get me wrong, I think what happened to Sean Taylor is a tragedy and he should be remembered for the good things he brought into this world but it seems to me that the NFL would want to highlight a player like Hill. He’s stand-up guy, gave back to his community and helped out younger players as they aspired to be in the NFL. Is it because Goodell simply doesn’t like Belichick and the Pats? Is it only because Hill died before the season started?

Even the Patriots have been slacking. There was some mention of Hill early in the season but since then I haven’t heard one player utter his name. You’d think Jarvis Green and Randall Gay would step up and say something seeing as how all three came from LSU and Gay was Hill’s roommate for 2 years. For a team that has prided themselves on being a team and playing as a unit they sure seemed to drop the ball with remembering a fallen teammate. I’m just saying….

Orlando

Suds Returns to Nashville....Live Updates Dec 29th-Jan1st

2007-12-27T09:44:00.001-05:00

That's right motherfuckers....I'm making the road trip to Nashville, Tennessee again.....only this time I have an even bigger appetite for destruction and I'm going down at full strength. As you may recall on my last trip to Nashville I had a mangled hand and half an eye brow due to the "head butt heard round the world" I gave a chain linked fence in the softball all-star game. I actually get back to the Commodore's country lair before he even flies in. So, on Saturday I'll be drinking beers at an alarming rate at the airport in a Tedy Bruschi jersey and a cowboy hat for two hours until the Commodore finally decides to show up. After a couple nights of straight blacking out with the country folk....and barring any felonies that might happen to fall in my lap.....Dec 31st has the opportunity to be one of the greatest nights of my life. It just so happens that Florida State plays Kentucky in the Music City Bowl at 4pm on New Years Eve. So what? Well, I happen to like hot chicks.....especially drunk college chicks. I will be tailgating with both schools....and hope to have some photos and live interviews with ladies from both schools. That is....before they hit the bar scene in Nashville for New Years.....completely cocked from their bowl games. Imagine the possibility for The Win Column......Simply Suds.....a camera.....a pen....a piece of paper.....and one sick imagination for a human.

Stay tuned lads....I'm going into confederate territory with thousands of drunk college girls on a night where dropping kiss bombs is completely common place. I can already taste the sweet nectar of a southern girl's spit. Granted it will be after I buy her 8 patron shots....but hey...this is America.

Pretty Boy To Fight In MMA??

2007-12-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

“Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather is indeed pondering involvement in MMA. The interest was spawned when Mayweather began to establish a relationship with Mark Cuban while both being contestants on this years “Dancing With The Stars”. Evidently the two are smitten with each other because Cuban carried two of Mayweather’s championship belts to the ring before the Hatton fight. The two were also seen in Vegas together last week. Also, an insider here at The Win spotted the two leaving Cuddles and Bubbles hand and hand conveniently gnawing on each others tongues.

Anyways, although Mayweather hasn’t come out and confirmed he is thinking about fighting in MMA, both he and Cuban have confirmed that Mayweather will definitely be involved in some way, shape or form with Cuban’s HDNet Fights which airs MMA bouts regularly.

Historically speaking there have only been two fighters, Ray Mercer and Frans Botha, that have made the switch from boxing to MMA and both were abysmal. At first, I didn’t like Mayweather. I thought he was a cocky, smug, self-involved punk. After watching him for the past 2+ years I’ve been completely won over. The guy talks more trash than anybody but the thing is he can back it up….completely. I think he’s great for boxing because other than the two fights Mayweather was in this year basically no one is watching it.

That said I think the move to MMA is a terrible idea for Mayweather. I get that they’re trying to transfer the high level of interest in MMA to boxing and I’m all for that. But I think Mayweather would get his clock cleaned and thus completely tarnish his all-important image that has made him what he is today. Word on the street is that Mayweather may get involved in just sponsoring fighters or possibly even training a few. Take it from me Floyd, I say you go that route and don’t completely ruin your entire career.

SI's Best Decision Since The Swimsuit Issue

2007-12-21T14:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if Sports Illustrated has been doing this for awhile but judging by the blowback thats been going on in the media over the past week I'm guessing they probably haven't. Apparently some guy over at the SI corporate headquarters decided that it would be a good idea to pick a cheerleader of the week and highlight her on their website. Whoever this guy is the president of Sports Illustrated should find him, give him tons of money, and promote him to his special assistant to stuff because the guy is a certifiable genius and should be involved in all the higher level decision. I can't believe they didn't come up with this idea earlier. I can't believe SI has been getting sh*t over this campaign. After all the pictures are relatively classy and nobody is getting hurt right? I mean they even threw in that heinous fat girl to make chicks feel better about themselves. WTF right? Take it from me. I've spent some time on ASU's campus and I bet it took the crew at least a day and a half to find a chick that gross at ASU. The campus is chalk-full of complete smoke-shows. I love you Lauren Thompson

Orlando

Home Grown Talent

2007-12-21T14:38:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you Boston's best undiscovered talent: Lily Holbrook. This chick possesses so many phenomenal qualities its almost hard to figure out where to begin. Norman P. was so lovestruck by her last night that he couldn't even watch her sexily strum her guitar in the Park Street T station. He was flushed, breathing quickly, and could barely control himself. She's that f*cking hot.

This gem can be found busking around Boston. I've seen her in Harvard Square and Park Street, and it made me LITERALLY not want to get on the train. She has a super sexy voice, plays a solid piece of guitar, and is gorgeous. Which all begs the question... what in the sweet name of all that is holy is she doing playing in the subway?!?!

Check her out at http://www.lilyholbrookmusic.com/ but be careful... Norman has called dibs, and he's pretty serious about the girl. That being said, I'm completely willing to fight him to the death for her.

Maybe There Is Something To Be Learned From The French

2007-12-21T13:55:00.001-05:00

Now hold off before you completely write this post off as another political diatribe because I assure you its not. Normally I would agree with you that we need the French just as bad as we need another butthole. However in this case I have to give major props to current French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Over the past 12 years or so he’s been married to some wretched whore, Cecilia Sarkozy, who obviously had as much sense as a half retarded donkey. For the past five years their relationship seemed to be on the skids until some photos surfaced in 2005 with Cecilia sucking face and holding hands with some clown in NYC. What a dumb broad right? She’s a fairly high profile person and her friggin husband is running for the presidency in France, but this nimrod thinks she can go to New York and get her own private slap and tickle and not have anyone find out?? Not to mention that Sarkozy was the presidential hopeful and doing alright for himself but it obviously wasn’t enough for this chick.

Anyways they ended up getting back together for Sarkozy’s final push for the presidency. And now, not even a full year into his first year they are getting a divorce evidently because Cecilia can’t keep her gross roast beef curtains in her pants. So what does Sarkozy do? What any one of us would LOVE to do if found in the same position. He gets a former supermodel that is half the age and about three times as hot as his ex. You think he’s sleeping better at night? I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s a bit more enjoyable having perky little apples bounce in your face as opposed to saggy, flabby titties that resemble plastic bags full of vanilla yogurt.

In conclusion well done Nicolas! We should all take a page out of your book.

Orlando

Oops They Did It Again !

2007-12-18T22:07:00.001-05:00

BREAKING NEWS: 16-YEAR OLD JAMIE LYNN SPEARS IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!

OK Magazine has confirmed that 16-year old Jamie Lynn Spears is preggers.....yes, we have to endure 9 months of more Spears baby talk, and this time it's not even her cum guzzling, pig sister snagging all the headlines! Some turd named Casey Aldridge managed to slip some spermies past the Dominek Hasek ovary kick saves. What a lucky fuckin' prick. Dropping a load in one of these sisters is like hitting all your numbers in Powerball. Lynne Spears, up for the award of worst mother of the millennium, has this to say about her little angel...

"I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby."

Holy shit lady. Are you fucking serious? I wish I had a mother like you in high school. Your daughters are running around getting pounded, shitting out babies, and pounding Pablo Escobar amounts of cocaine and God knows what else....and that's the line you throw at us? Are you a friggin retard? Your oldest daughter can't get out of her car without showing us her punching bag snapper....and this is how you repay us?

At least the 16-year old sexually active Spears had the stones to protect her Nickelodeon fans....

"I definitely don't think it's something you should do; it's better to wait," she says. "But I can't be judgmental because it's a position I put myself in."

It's better to wait ? Says who? I definitely don't think it's better to wait....I think everyone should have the opportunity to smash as early and often as they'd like. Who are you to tell us differently? How about using a rubber.....ever think of that ? Nah, you probably didn't. After all....procreation is pretty much the main hobby in Louisiana anyway. I hope your entire family drowns in the Bayou.

***quotes from msn.com

Hippies Don't Know Their Ass From Their Elbow

2007-12-13T14:39:00.000-05:00

I drive a gas guzzling SUV....and yes it costs me about $55 to fill that pig more often than not....but to be honest with you, I don't really give a shit. I could care less that my American made beast might omit more crap into the atmosphere....booo hoooo....the green effect...wahhhhhhhhh. What are you hippies going to do ? Tell Al Gore on me ? The proof is in the pudding. I just flew home at 45 MPH on side roads in 4 wheel drive during the middle of a blizzard. I saw at least a couple Ford Focuses and at least 2 HYBRIDS parked sideways off the road after not being able to hang with the big boys. How's your environmentally correct car now you pieces of shit ! I don't give a rat's ass if I'm preventing my grandchildren's grandchildren from breathing in healthy air....the only thing that matters is that I got home quickly and safely.

You lose again hippies....when will you ever learn ? Sick hybrid.....losers.

***and no I don't drive a Hummer....but just wanted to emphasize my point here.

Arthur Blank Must Have Been A Real D-Bag In A Previous Life

2007-12-12T18:57:00.000-05:00

How else can you explain how Blank has been utterly bent over plugged in his pooper recently? I mean this guy can’t buy a bucket right? Look at it this way. To say that picking Mike Vick number one overall in 2001 didn’t work out might be the biggest understatement since Schilling said if the Sox sign Santana they’ll have a tough time not winning 120 games. Sure, NFL teams make bad draft decisions all the time no big deal. But after the dog fighting debacle of the past year Blank lost his franchise player, his team's name was dragged through the mud, his team was ripped apart and he lost his fan base. But what’s worse is that Mike Vick helped rebuild the fan base in Atlanta. Vick sold out that stadium every Sunday and got the fans in Hotlanta interested in football again. Since then, the Falcons stink worse then ever. The player people were coming to see is just starting to serve a two year sentence and the fans aren’t showing up anymore.

Blank tried to make a power move to hire a new and upcoming coach in Bobby “two pump chump” Petrino to turn the franchise around. 13 weeks into the season Petrino poops out of his 3 year contract to sign with Arkansas. This nimrod signed contracts that add up to 14 years of service in a year and a half at three different places. Would you hire this guy? The players are pissed, Blank’s pissed, the fans are pissed and worst of all they still stink. Hopefully the players will band together and come out and kick some ass for the rest of the season just on general principle.

I’m not sure who you pissed off Art, or what type of heinous acts you committed in a previous life, but it must have been pretty awful to have this string of bad luck. Sorry dude. I feel bad for you. I really do.

P.S. On a complete side note, I think the comments Blank made during this weeks MNF game are completely fine. Give the guy a friggin break for christ’s sake.

Kimbo Slice is a Bad Man

2007-12-11T22:01:00.001-05:00

A good friend of mine introduced me to Kimbo Slice tonight. I had never heard of this guy....but holy sh*t....he's known as the new king of street fighting. He's a power puncher that doesn't get phased by anyone's punches and throws absolute hay makers and a crushing uppercut. I did find one fight on the internet where he loses to a huge guy....but this 9 minute video is out of hand. If this doesn't get your pulse racing and make you want to punch the next person that orders 67 coffees in front of you at Dunkin Donuts, then you are either high on drugs, or you're wearing tighty whities with skid marks on em.

Kimbo Slice is a baaaaaaad man. I'll whip your head boyyyyyyyyy.

Third Time is a Charm....or Not

2007-12-11T21:34:00.001-05:00

OK, I have to admit that I hadn't had the opportunity to take Cornstarr's suggestion and view the 2girls1finger video after I had informed this site of the horrid things I first saw on 2girls1cup.

I watched the video tonight....and immediately started dry heaving and wishing I could poke my eyes out of my head. It wasn't until I was feeling very faint that I realized that there was a link below the video to the THIRD and final installment of the video trilogy. http://www.4girlsfingerpaint.com/ I am here to tell you that I no longer have faith in humanity. I think that we live in a filthy world and we're all going to hell. I can't even begin to comment on the sh*t fantasy web site's THIRD tummy turnover.

You all know you're gonna go right to the website at your first opportunity. So what are you waiting for ?

Crack Is Making A Comeback!

2007-12-11T15:12:00.000-05:00

That’s right folks, our good ole friend crack cocaine is making a comeback and you heard it here first. Some nitwits down at the U.S. Sentencing Commission thought that all those “criminals’ who got busted for crack were actually really nice people with good hearts and decided to take a look at the law again. So this week they’re meeting to discuss/vote on the possibility of easing of crack cocaine punishment guidelines. Lets just say for the sake of this post that they actually do change the law and make the mandatory minimum sentencing much less drastic. Not only will they change the law moving forward, these retards are making the decision retro-active, so all the crackheads from New Jack City will reap the benefits. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's seems to be spearheading the movement….maybe she was in the holiday spirit with Chanukah and all.

Either way, just think in a few short months the flood gates will open and the onslaught will begin. Sorry to all of you guys who bought property in ‘new and upcoming’ neighborhoods. Those neighborhoods have recently been down-graded to ‘shit out of luck, spiraling downward rapidly’ neighborhoods.

A New Level Of Human Depravity

2007-12-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

So this will give you an indication of how my Friday night has gone so far...

I'm 15 Miller Lites deep, and I just watched the 2 Girls 1 Cup video... and I'm here to tell you all about it. This video is famous for being the most disgusting video on the internet, and I'm gonna dispel all the f*cking mystery surrounding it. Blogs post reactions of people seeing the video for the first time, just for entertainment, that's how shocking it is (supposedly). If you're a masochist, the clip can be found at www.2girls1cup.com

So I watch the video, and it's pretty gross, but nowhere near as gross as I thought it would be. The clip opens with a white chick and an indian chick (dots not feathers) making out. The indian chick is pulling down the white chick's shirt and sucking on her titties; its hot, not bad at all.

Then they focus on a close up of the indian chick's ass, and she sh*ts out diarrhea into a pint glass. Then the two girls start tonguing it. It's sick. Then they focus in on the white chick, and she's actually eating the shit. She's moving the diarrhea in and out of her mouth, then she swallows it.

At this point I was convinced that things couldn't get worse... but apparently they could. The girls start puking on each other. And not just on each other, but in each other's mouths. It's horrendous.

The clip lasts about 15 seconds longer, and then shuts off. Any normal human being would stop at this point. But not me. Not Cornstarr. I'm on a mission to eradicate any semblance of innocence that I ever, EVER possessed. And this is how I found something that TRUMPS www.2girls1cup.com

Granted, its from the same people who brought you www.2girls1cup.com, but its worse. Way more fowl. I'm not going to tell you what happens in this video... you can judge for yourself. It can be found at:

www.2girls1finger.com

The Numbers Are In: Doggystyle Wins!

2007-12-07T15:56:00.000-05:00

Important information to have over the weekend, gentlemen: Chicks prefer it doggystyle (demonstrated above by my lovely assistant, Jessica Alba).

In a recent poll done by iVillage, 200 hundred women were surveyed about their favorite position. They were give the following options:

A) Missionary
B) Woman on top
C) Doggy Style
D) Other

The hands down winner by over 50 votes was doggystyle. So this weekend when you're letting what's-her-face from the bar ride you to drunken-glory, do her a favor and flip her around. It'll show her that you're in touch with her feelings, even if you can't remember her name.

Eva Mendes Is On the Team Goin' Skins

2007-12-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

Eva Mendes is one of the hottest women in the world....according to Simply Suds. I love Latino women. The fact that they have insane bodies, can cook all sorts of burritos/tacos/quesadillas, and have that look in their eye that says I want to f*ck your brains out or actually rip your eyes out with a fork......love it. There are little things I wouldn't do in this world to have a chance to piss the bed with Eva in it after a long night of her not feeling a damn thing. I've very happy that she decided to go naked rather than cover up her snapper and cans with an ugly fur coat. She could drape herself in a clear trash bag and look hot....oh wait a minute, I had to drape her in one of those in a weird dream I had....but that's neither here...nor there.

We're getting back to our roots fellas. It's Friday.....I am hitting the big city really hard. We're talkin' about doing real big things tonight. Friday will forever now be known on this website as Frenchin' Hot Chicks Friday. I can't wait to have 7 warrants out for my arrest tomorrow. I'll defer all future comments and questions to the litigators of the website.

Hot chicks for life.

I'm Simply Suds, and I approved this message.

***photos courtesy of idontlikeyouinthatway.com

Jessica Alba Has Some Serious Competition

2007-12-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first to admit I have no idea who Krystal Forscutt is. I had to GOOGLE her name just to find out that the only thing she is famous for is being on Australia's Big Brother in 2006. Let me tell you....with a face and cans like that....she's in store for biiiiiiiiig things. I almost can't believe what I'm seeing here. What a dime ! I mean if this girl wanted to strap me to a wall for 72 hours and beat me with a whip while pouring rubbing alcohol over my open wounds....I'd still be into it. My Bud Light can would fit perfectly in between her t*ts.....something else that really appeals to me.

Krystal....you're going straight to the top. Remember that I wrote about you first. And then call me, because I'm sure you need someone to clean your toilet or drive you to the undergarment store. And I'm your man.

XMas Parties are underrated!

2007-12-07T10:49:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the opportunity to attend my first Christmas Party of the year and I noticed one thing....that they are an absolute blast! Christmas as a holiday gets a lot of respect. Everyone gets presents, christmas trees, lights, and Santa but how cool is the actual Christmas party. Usually there is a phenominal amount of booze being consumed. Depending on your employer and or school booze is most of the time on the house. If the party is not a shitshow its usually early enough where you can leave and black out at the next watering hole. I have yet to meet anyone that just goes home after a lame christmas party. You're already out so make it a shitshow. Sometimes you have to dress up, sometimes you try to dress like cousin eddy and try to find the most ridiculous christmas sweater and turtleneck you can find. It is also a good time to smother your face in some nice old fashion......what was that shit we use to eat in the day?.....oh yeah....pussey! Single girls begin to feel a little lonely and its an opportune time to put on the nice guy hat and give them a little love and affection for the cold winter months.

So if any of you readers will be attending a Holiday party in the next couple of months....get ready and don't take it for granted. Before you know it, it will be new years....and we all know how overrated that is.

Famous Jewish Women

2007-12-06T23:36:00.001-05:00

Happy Chanukah to all of our Hebrew readers out there. May your 8 nights be filled with joy and happiness. Much respect to the Old Testament and hot Jewish women. Enjoy your holiday and we'll see ya at Passover !

Tony Romo Goes Deep On and Off The Field

2007-12-06T13:28:00.001-05:00

I'm a Tony Romo fan. I like the way he plays the game. I like that he has fun and basically just smashes tons of hot Texas ass while winning football games and having the best season for a QB this year not named Tom Brady. First it was Carrie Underwood, who is a little minx.....hopefully he was in and out quick, and she didn't smash his tail lights or key his car like in her miserable song. Next up for a Tony Romo drillin'....none other than the epitome of a girl that just wants to get laid due to her low self esteem....Miss Jessica Simpson. So Tony took her out on a date, Texas style, like a southern gentleman.....until things obviously progressed faster than the 2 minute drill.

They were all over each other on the couch, making out," a Simpson source tells Us Weekly in its new issue, on newsstands now. "They were on top of each other! It was a little bit much for a public place," the witness adds. "He was holding her close and she wasn't paying attention to anyone else." The source adds that Simpson, 27, is "crazy" about her man, also 27, "and gushes about how sweet he is."

Good for you Tony. There is little doubt in my mind that you brought her home, or maybe she took you home. Who cares ? Your both multi-millionaires and probably humped all night in beds the size of my living room. I hope you treated her like a tramp. She looks like the kind of girl that could benefit from some weave tuggin' and abusive verbal. "Did Nick ever f*ck you this good? How bout that little sissy John Mayer ? " You're the starting quarterback for America's Team, and could probably have 90% of southern bells. Get it done guy. Just like a last second drive to win the game. Score, leave the field....move onto the next challenge.

Godspeed.

***Photos courtesy of www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com and www.hollywoodtuna.com

If This Were 1999-2003 We'd Have Some Serious Suspects....

2007-12-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

I can account for quite a few members of this website that made the trip absolutely loaded from off campus housing at Stonehill College back to campus....and vice versa. So when I read this story this morning, I was hardly surprised.

EASTON, Mass. -- Police arrested a man who they say led them on a wild chase overnight.
The chase began in Taunton, where police tried to pull over a man in his twenties.
Police say he refused to stop and tried to ram two cruisers instead.
The chase ended on Route 138 in Easton after police used stop sticks to deflate three of his tires. The man will be charged with failure to stop amongst many other charges.
The driver insisted on being taken to the hospital.

Ok, where do I even start here. Norman, Nightmare, Chieftain (officially out of the running), Commodore, Slowstuff.....there are just too many of us that this could have happened to. After all, Nightmare was caught in the buff by Easton's finest while attempting to streak down 138....but hey, give him credit, he made it 15 yards before blue lights flashed. The Commodore slashed more tires than he ate c*nts, Norman could often be found half passed out behind the wheel somewhere....no matter what time of day. And myself....well....I passed the sobriety test while onlookers peered through the dorm windows in a blizzard and watched me do my impression of the Lambeau leap into the snow.

So the real question is.....if we could turn back time....which member of the Win Column was most likely to have this headline under his name ?

***Story courtesy of http://www.whdh.com/

Tim Tebow...Heisman Winner...

2007-12-06T11:04:00.001-05:00

Anthony Smith Guarantees a Victory Over the Patriots !

2007-12-06T09:26:00.000-05:00

Who ? Anthony Smith is a safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers. If I didn't have degenerate gambler friends and wouldn't have watched half a dozen Steelers game, I definitely wouldn't know who this friggin stiff is. Apparently, some of the Patriots seem to share my sentiment...

Patriots safety Rodney Harrison when asked by Fox Sports Radio about the comments, answered, "Who was it ? I've never heard of him."

Mr. Smith, I'd like to congratulate you on waking up the Patriots if they were going to come out sluggish and possibly have a let down after being in a Monday Night dog fight with the Ravens. Time and time again, idiots like you open their yappers, piss the Patriots off, and get them refocused and give them a reason to go right at you. If I were a teammate of yours, I'd choke you out in the locker room. We're talking about throwing all of your teammates under the bus. Why don't you let the leaders in your locker room make the bold predictions. Let James Farrior do the talking, please. Nobody gives a sh*t about what you have to say. You're a second year player out of Syracuse. You're a friggin bum that will be on a practice squad soon. You stiff.

Here's to hoping the Pats throw deep bombs over this abortion's head this Sunday in Foxboro. Randy Moss splits defenses....fact. He'll be splitting your jock too buddy.

We All Love Mike Tyson

2007-12-05T23:20:00.001-05:00

I wish Iron Mike could have a weekly segment here on the Win Column. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.

Here's to you, champ.

Remember When This Site Liked Hot Chicks ????

2007-12-05T12:07:00.000-05:00

We need to get back to our roots gentlemen. We need to stick to what we do best. Objectifying hot chicks. I'm going to make this short and sweet. Nicole Marie Lenz is smokin' hot, and as exotic looking as the chick Norman and I sat next to at breakfast in Watertown last Sunday.

No I can't stop thinking about the girl that was in and out of my life in 23 minutes. I'm sure the sight of me eating breakfast after a black-out was not the greatest first impression. But God, if I could only show her what 11 seconds of all out love making was all about....she'd be hooked. Or call the District Attorney to file charges....in which case, I'll call my lawyer that commented on this site already.

***photos courtesy of http://www.hornyoyster.com/

Suds Gets a "Re-Do" This Friday Night in Beantown

2007-12-05T11:55:00.001-05:00

Ok, ok, ok....I realize my performance last Saturday night served you all many moments of laughter at my expense....and I'm alright with that. You're all a bunch of miserable pricks anyway, so if I have to get piss drunk and make a fool out of myself to give you all an ounce of self-worth....that's the kind of guy I am. You're welcome.

Moving on....I'm calling a "re-do" this Friday....and I hope the Crombinator accepts the challenge. Since your self-proclaimed victory last Saturday (I'm not really sure what you brought to the table, since I brought the cape codders too)...this Friday night we will be celebrating Chieftain's farewell, as he leaves New England to follow his true blood to the back yard of the New York Yankees. I feel as if this move is driven by the fact that he wakes up every morning with the desire to sniff Derek Jeter's boxers. I'd go as far as to say that Chieftian may smell the urinals at Yankee Stadium upon his move....just to feel closer to his man crush.

Upon my arrival to the humble ebode of Norman P. Orlando and Nightmare arround 6pm, this Friday we will be meeting at the Sports Grille near the Gahhhhhhhdenn at 7:30pm to suck down drinks at an alarming rate, and watch the Big Ticket, the Truth, and Jesus Shuttlesworth. We then take the city by storm thereafter. This time I won't be drinking an entire bottle of Goldschlager by 7pm....and be warned now Crombinator.....I'm bringing my "A" game. What that means ? I have no fuckin clue. You could be sticking me under a table again by 10pm, or I could be tongue kissing every chick you try to talk to all night. In addition to showing Chieftain my support for his move....another main goal of mine is to even our score 1-1. It's a marathon, not a sprint buddy. 7 games is a lonnnnnnnnnng series.

Stay tuned....I hope to see all you mutts there.

Suds' Saturday Night

2007-12-05T10:58:00.001-05:00

With the blessing of Norman P., I bring you a reinactment of Suds' Saturday night...

Prohibition Was As Cool As Cancer

2007-12-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

Turns out Utah is good for something other than serving as a safe haven for a bunch of Mormon loonies having sex with their entire family. On this day back in 1933 Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment thus empowering all the thirsty congressmen with 75% of states voting to overturn the 18th Amendment.

Jesus what a bad decision the 18th Amendment was! If you’ve ever enjoyed an ice cold beer on a hot summer day after cutting a lawn you know the utter state of euphoria that comes with it. Or that first shot of Jager for the night. As it slides down the back of your throat the liquid courage strengthens and the normal 9-5, Monday through Friday you starts to fade away. Its entirely possible you could fight somebody, kiss somebody, or just get rip-roaringly drunk and throw up and pass out. But the beautiful thing is….the choice is yours.

Just imagine if, on your way home from work today, if you wanted to grab a six pack you couldn’t. Or this Friday after work as you and your friends are getting ready to go out you were pounding Coca-Cola Classic instead of Sam Adams. Think about that and give thanks to all those Mormon wackos. They may sex with their 12 year old daughters but at least they support your right to get wasted.

Orlando

Travis Henry Can Smoke Weed Again

2007-12-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

Phew! That was a close one Travis but I’m glad you showed those nerds down at the NFL office whats what. Henry was informed back in September that he failed his second drug test in as many years and thus was suspended and forced to sit out the remainder of the season not to mention deal with a whole bunch of bullshit substance abuse treatment. But like any pothead would do he called shenanigans and denied everything claiming he was the victim of second hand smoke. I don’t know about you but I often hang out with a bunch of friends while they’re ripping tubes and don’t partake. Personally, I believed his story from the start and thought it was ludicrous the league gave him so much sh*t.

Anyways, Henry found a loophole in the rules saying that the NFL violated league policy by not ‘allowing an expert of Henry's choosing to be present for the testing’. In other words the NFL actually sent him to a doctor that was going to take HIS piss and not his buddies! Ridiculous. So he ended up being able to use his doctor and surprise, surprise everything came back clean.

So good for you Travis. I hope you get your Doc a great Xmas present. A nice glass bubbler perhaps? I hope you have a stellar rest of the year. Normally I think the Broncos are pretty buttcheeks but I’m for anybody that can beat an herb wrap.

Orlando

Is Christmas Coming Early ?

2007-12-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in New England, Chieftain is crying into his pillow...which is sure to make the entire Win Column nation rejoice. Latest speculation on a Johan Santana deal has the Red Sox offerring a 5th player to get the deal done.....and his name is not Jacoby Ellsbury....which is all that really matters. Ellsbury is untouchable to me. He has the opportunity to be a game changer in many aspects of the game every single night he takes the field. Anyway, the latest package would send Crisp, Lester, Lowrie, Masterson, and 9th round draft pick/phenom Ryan Kalish for Johan Santana.

Sure the Red Sox are giving up quite a bit of talent in this deal....but you know what....I don't really give a sh*t. Adding Santana to the rotation for the next 6 years (a contract extension will be signed upon a trade anywhere) assures the Red Sox will absolutely dominate the American League right through the next decade. Beckett, Santana, Matsuzaka, Schilling, Buchholz.......I can't even imagine how many games this team could win.

Get the deal done Theo......all I want for Christmas is Johan Santana !!!!!!!!!!!!

***Photo courtesy of http://www.bostondirtdogs.com/

Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain

2007-12-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

Reports coming out of the Ravens camp are shedding new light on what local media outlets are dubbing "Baltimore's Brokeback Mountain". We all saw it last night plain as day. Balitmore Raven's coach Brian Billick was blowing kisses at New England defensive back Rodney Harrison. At first glance it appeared that the two were jawing back and forth as tempers were flaring due to the intensity of last night's dog fight of a game.

During last night's post game press conference Billick was asked about the situation and his potentially 'unprofessional' behavior. At first he denied comment but after pressing Billick replied "To be honest it had nothing to do with the game. Its really nothing. Rodney and I went out once, I thought we had a good time. But he never called. In hindsight I wish I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing my lips puckered"

Evidently Billick was bombarding Harrison with text messages of 'sweet nothings' in the days leading up to the game with no reply from Rodney. According to sources close to Billick he was a complete mess after day two of texting with no reply. Billick was so desperate to talk to Harrison he even started pulling drive bys late at night to see if Harrison's hotel room light was still on.

I have not been able to get any details on the full extent of the relationship between the two but have a number of leads that I'm following up on. Earlier today Harrison held his own press conference and when asked about the relationship with Billick he replied "So I went out with a guy once. If you drink one glass of wine it doesn't make you a wino".

Orlando

Mercury Morris and Don Shula Should Drop Dead

2007-12-04T09:45:00.001-05:00

Don Shula. The most overrated coach in the history of the NFL. The guy that couldn't lead Dan Marino to a championship with all the weapons he had. Do we have to watch this guy for the rest of the year as the Patriots try to stay undefeated and break the only record that Shula and the rest of his 1972 butt pirate Dolphins whine and complain about whenever an NFL team is undefeated past week 10 ?

Seriously, this old, wrinkled bafoon should stay home and watch the games on TV. Nobody care what he or Mercury Morris has to say ? "Don't call me when you're in my neighborhood, call me when you're on my block !" Hey Mercury, how about I don't call you at all. How about you drop dead from a stroke.

Brian Billick Can Kiss My Ass

2007-12-04T09:22:00.001-05:00

Hey Brian....here's a newsflash for you....you're a fu*king deuschebag. Rodney Harrison gets beat on an out route on your sidelines....and you blow a friggin kiss at him....a man ? And you didn't even just blow one kiss....you blew three. Wow, do you have a thing for football players or something ? You probably drop the soap quite often in front of Ray Lewis and Willis McGahee just to see if they'll recipricate your homosexual tendencies. Holy sh*t man....talk about being unprofessional and looking like a complete loser on national tv. I've always found you overrated as a coach....and I personally think you should have been fired a long time ago. But, now you've lost 6 in a row after a 4-2 start....and you've resorted to acting like a smug little prick toddler. So here's a giant "f*ck you" from all of us Pats fans. Shove our victory up your ass pal. You miserable c*nt.

Even better....Rodney Harrison's response to the incident, "I don't know why he's blowing kisses at me during the game. I'm a happily married man." Priceless stuff.

I'm Wicked Confused

2007-12-03T15:31:00.001-05:00

I stumbled across this video via HOLLYWOODTUNA.COM and I'm still scratching my head. What the hell is going on here ? Why did they invent dance moves that resemble the chicken dance just to promote having a bad case of diarreah? And who needs to call an ambulance when they have the sh*ts ? Normally I would think that you'd just get some good reading material and bunker down on your sh*tter for a few hours while it passes eventually. Just ask Nightmare...he should know. He had the stomach cramps and craps most of Saturday afternoon while farting all over his apartment and smelling the place like a diarreah diaper.

I guess I'll just have to keep scratching my head on this one. I'm lost.

Suds' Wish For An Enormous Penis

2007-12-03T11:24:00.001-05:00

This one is for you Suds. Twenty minutes of in depth investigative journalism centering around what your life would be like if you have an ridiculously huge cock. Just skip the intro, its about a minute and a half long. The rest is pure gold. Enjoy.

Sandee Westgate is a Healthy Woman

2007-12-03T10:41:00.001-05:00

With over 1.2 million hits on youtube last week, Sandee Westgate's review of the new Bruce Willis flick "Live Free or Die Hard" became the most watched video on youtube. To be honest with you, I don't think I've ever stared at a pair of tits harder than I just did for the 1:47 that just consumed my life. Those things are friggin ginormous! All I could think about was spreading them apart, sticking my head in the middle...and motorboating the sh*t out of those things for another 1:47.

I suggest you guys all get to youtube and watch this broad do more film reviews. I love how bouncy those breasts are as she talks....this is definitely the kind of girl I'd like to bring home for my mother's lasagna...so my old man could share in the fun of staring at oversized cans.

My sweater may have been ugly, but...

2007-12-02T13:18:00.000-05:00

If you look up anticlimactic in the dictionary, there should be a little blurb next to it that says "See Simply Suds". What a joke last night was. Granted, I had a great time fraternizing with The Win Column crew out in Cambridge. It even inspired me to come off the DL and fight through symptoms of carpel tunnel to type this little diddy. But wow, my time with Suds was short lived. To recap, Suds was quick out of the gates, immediately welcoming the Crombinator as one of his own and ordering a few shots of tequila. From there, however, things went down hill. FAST. Now, I wouldn't normally sell someone down the river like this, but Suds went after my sweater this morning and I'm a little peeved. At first I could not believe that he had already awoken to pen a few blogs, but then I remebered that he was face down in a puddle of his own drool by 11 pm and probably got 10 solid hours of shut-eye. There was even debate whether the wet spot on his Wranglers was spilled from that last Cape Codder or due to the fact that he was too hamboned to get up and walk to the ladies room. My vote goes to the latter. Anyway, at about 10:30 Suds took a bet from Chieftain that he could do 20 pushups in the bar. Suds made it to 10 and fell over. Of course, this was before he took off his own sweater (probably because mine put it to shame) and proceeded to "flex" in his wife beater for 20 minutes. No joke. Thankfully, however, Suds passed out at the table and was carried out of the bar by some of the other Win Columners to a waiting water taxi. It was only at that point that the ladies next door started to bat their eye lashes and saddle up. So Sudsy, ugly sweater or not, the Combinator is up 1-0. I look forward to the rematch.

I Wish I Had an Enormous Pecker

2007-12-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

I'm the first one to admit I have an "average" sized hog. What I wouldn't give to have an abnormally sized pecker for one day. It would be unbelievably sweet. I'd wear ass-less chaps and slap my man-sized manicotti from thigh to thigh as I walked down the street. I'd ask girls to play with it, maybe even take it for a test drive while they wait for their iced coffee order to be screwed up by some mallet at Dunky D's.

Wouldn't it be nice......

The Win Column Xmas Party in Cambridge Last Night

2007-12-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. I finally get to put a name to the face of the Crombinator. Even though I may have only technically been awake for 40 minutes inside the bar...let me tell you....he dressed to impress. Maybe it was the tequila, maybe it was the sambuca, or maybe it was the fact that he chose to wear his cat nip sweater out to a bar....hoping some lonely kitten would come clawing at it late night. Who knows! Furthermore, I'd like to add that I hear there were hot chicks at the table while I decided to take a nap....this saddens me. I would have liked to come out of my coma and ask them what there c*nts taste like, and other things that would have surely had me tazered by Boston's finest.

Why ? Cause that's how we roll. Good to finally meet you Crombinator.....sick sweater pal. Holy shit....I hope that finds your fireplace soon.

On a side note...I just sat next to the hottest chick I've ever seen in my entire life at the New York Diner in Watertown. If we're talkin' scales of 1 to 10...she's 14 and legal. What I would have given just to be a home fry in that soft, moist mouth of hers. I'd go as far as to say I would have made out with her while my western omelet melted in our mouths of passion. Or maybe I just could have slapped her on the hood of my car. Whatever she's into.

The Most Violent Movie Trailer I've Ever Seen

2007-11-30T19:02:00.001-05:00

John Rambo: If those two words don't get your blood pumping, you're probably dead. Yes, Sly is back, and he's bigger and better than ever. More unintelligable dialogue, more slack-faced snearing, it's gonna be awesome.

Here are some high lights you don't want to miss:

1. Rambo cuts a guy's head off with a huge f*cking combat knife.

2. Rambo uses a rear mounted machine gun to kill a dude at point blank range, making a disgusting mess.

3. Rambo literally rips a guy's throat out to stop him from raping a prisoner.

4. All the old-school Rambo conventions: killing people with a bow and arrow (the arrows being exploding arrows, of course), the cliche plot of "going up the river to save hostages", the original lettering from the first movie still being used in title and credits.

I Had a Similar Reaction....How Bout You ?????? NSFW

2007-11-30T18:45:00.001-05:00

For those of you that haven't seen the 2 girls and 1 cup video...and you are in an area where you can actually watch this....I dare you to before watching Joe Rogan's reaction to this video. WWW.2GIRLS1CUP.COM This has to be hands down one of the most disgusting fuckin' videos I have ever seen in my entire life. I mean...for those two who-ahs to participate in this kind of foul activity, really leads me to believe that the world is one fucked up place.

My advice to you on this Friday is to watch the video. And comment on what you have seen. I hope you are all scarred for life and view poop in an entirely different manner.

This is Simply Suds, and I approved this message.

Fact:The Yankees Front Office Takes Hard Drugs

2007-11-29T18:11:00.000-05:00

Have the Yankees gone completely bonkers? Ever since Steinbrenner's seed started spiking the mineral water with bad ecstasy in meetings they've made some pretty loopey decisions. Signing Posada to a 4 year deal might be the worst....and to make him the highest paid catcher of all time no less.....OF ALL TIME! Absurd. I realize that George sold his soul to the devil back in the 70s and now poops solid gold but does that mean common sense goes right out the window?

I get it. Posada had a decent year last year but to give him the farm just solidifies the fact that the Red Sox management has left the Yanks' management in the dust. If they don't mind we'll continue to give them our washed up players after we've got the best years out of them and we'll probably grab a couple more championships while they battle for mediocrity. Also, I'm sure its inevitable that Theo will out-manuever Brian Cashman to land Johan Santana. I initially said that New York will finish behind Tampa Bay but if they keep this up they might be the leading candidate to finish dead last.

Orlando

That's Just Not Right, Man

2007-11-28T16:14:00.001-05:00

Other than Nightmare and probably Orlando.....I hope you all find this as disturbing as I did. Because I'm still at a lost for words while watching this horrific display of emotion.

Nightmare wishes he could get this kind of reaction out of a chick from just making out and rubbing some ta's. I am a much worse person than I was 2 minutes and 6 seconds ago....but thank God the video cuts out when it does.....I don't even want to imagine what kind of finger darts were played in the bedroom.

Or do I ?

2008 Is Set to Be the Year of Simply Suds

2007-11-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

That's right. I'm calling it right now. 2008 is going to be my year. 2007 was awful....and I'd rather pretend that I didn't spend a good portion of it unemployed and shitfaced. But such is life, and I'm ready to kick 2008's ass. Do you hear me 2008 ? Yes I am gritting my teeth at you, and I'd punch you right in the smackers if you had the audacity to look me in the eye like a human. I'm completely overhauling all aspects of my life starting right now. Work, where I live, gettin' back to my roots, and spending more time with all of you messes.

Simply Suds has been in hiding for quite some time. I promise that starting today, you're going to be wishing that we never met. Sure, maybe it will be after you find me flipping over one of your couch cushions after an "accident." Or maybe it will be when you wake up and your kitchen looks like someone decided to throw lasagna in the air and catch it like an M&M. But hey, that's the hurricane you get when you mix it up with Suds.

Be prepared....I'm back mothafuckassssssssssssss.

Happy Birthday Anna Nicole

2007-11-28T15:53:00.000-05:00

I don't care what any of you say. Way back when Anna Nicole was a complete smoke show....its too bad she had to die disgraced, bloated and an utter laughing stock. She had her 15 minutes though which is a lot better than most of us get. I guess you could argue she was the female equivalent to Elvis but obviously to a much lesser extent. Although, if reality TV was en vogue back in Elvis' day I'll bet you a million bucks that he would have had his own show when his career entered the latter stages.

It didn't help that the media covered this fiasco with more zeal and intensity then the JFK assassination. Instead of covering relevent issues of the day Fox News opted to give hourly updates on what traces of new drugs were found in her system or the fact that she was carrying more giz than a sperm bank. Unfortuantely it wasn't just Fox though, CNN and MSNBC were all guilty. The only network that wasn't was C-SPAN and they were too busy covering bill # 3765 regarding the zoning laws in Montogomery, Alabama. Isn't there any middle ground?

Anyways, who cares? I'm not ashamed to admit when I was a young buck that beat off to Naked Gun 33 1/3. Maybe I did it again last week when it was on Comedy Central. Regardless I'd like to remember Anna like the pictures above not hunched over a toilet throwing up ejaculate.

GET OFF YOUR ASS

2007-11-28T10:39:00.001-05:00

For all you schleprocks trying to get through this work week. Wake the fuck up and get something done, or don't whatever, just watch the video.

The Pats By How Much?!

2007-11-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

The complaints about the Patriots running up the score continue. Bill Simmon's theory about the "Eff You" touchdown continues to gain validity. Vegas continues scratch its collective head and put up enormous spreads. It's a good time to be a Pats fan.

This week the Pats take on the Eagles, and are favored by a mere 23.5 points. The only thing more crazy than this line, is the fact that is seems completely realistic.

If this is the spread against a .500 team with a decent defense, a banged up (but really good) running back, an underperforming but potentially dangerous QB, and a solid coaching staff, what will the line be when they play the 2-8 Jets in three weeks, or the winless Dolphins in 4?

The Jets game could get completely out of hand if the Patriots seek revenge for the horribly overblown and wholly ridiculous "Spygate" fiasco. I wouldn't want to stand next to Eric Mangini during that game because his tears might get my Pat's jersey wet.

And what about Miami? They could very well be 0-13 at that point. Even stink would say they stink. Considering they have an inexperienced coaching staff, their stud back is out for the season, they have no QB, and their defense probably couldn't stop a D-III college team, what will the odds be? Pats by 35? Pats by 45?

This reminds me of the Superfans skit on Saturday Night Live where they predict the Bears to win 520-3, or take the Bulls over their opponent 152 to -15 (and then explain what the Bulls will do to make the other team go into negative points). So realistically, what will the line be against the Jets and Dolphins?

CNN Ruined My Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T14:09:00.001-05:00

I usually have about 3 full plates of food at Thanksgiving, but thanks to CNN I have no appetite. According to an article on CNN.com this 10 pound hairball was removed from an 18 year old woman's stomach. I'm having a hard time finding words to describe how f*cking gross this is.

The hairball (shown above) is 15 inches long, 7 inches wide, and 7 inches deep. Appartently the woman from whom they extracted this disgusting lump of crap suffers from Trichophagia, a condition where you obsessively eat your hair. Sick!!

This article made me physically nauseous. I'm going to spend the next 3 hours attempting to expunge this image from my memory before I tuck in to an amazing turkey dinner.

Props to Canadian Journalism

2007-11-22T13:50:00.001-05:00

I came across this gem during my morning coffee. Kudos to you, Random Canadian Journalist, for this blistering double entendre.

Tommy Heinsohn Is A Gem

2007-11-20T14:12:00.001-05:00

I’m sure most of you reading this have a special place in your heart for Tommy Heinsohn. For years now, he’s been the color commentary guy for the C’s and has been completely crapping all over opposing teams and referees – when the situation warranted it. I mean, for me, every time I do something remotely cool in life I wonder if its worthy of a Tommy Point. Chances are it probably isn’t.

Heinsohn may be the second most biased announcer in TV history, second only to YOUR Derek Sanderson who simply thought the Bruins could do no wrong and should have won every game by at least 5 goals. Does anyone remember when Sanderson used to call the games on TV38?

So far this season with the Celtics reinventing The Big Three version 2.0 Tommy hasn’t had much to vent about recently and to be honest has probably been happier than a pig in sh*t. However this Sunday provided a unique opportunity for Heinsohn to make a HUGE splash on 2007-08 season and let everyone know that he’s still got ‘it’. With seconds left in the game after Hedo Turkoglu hit a go-ahead three Heinsohn screams “Someone pull his greencard!!!”…….unbelievable….a classic! I’m glad to see old age hasn’t begun to get to him.

Although I couldn’t find footage of that particular call, I did find this video that highlights some of his best work. I mean Tommy puts on a clinic in this clip. “These guys are ridiculous…..THESE GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!”. The video messes up a little but the audio is fine.

Orlando

Chelsea, Mass is Weird

2007-11-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

Much to my surprise....I awoke out of a blacked out coma on Saturday morning (on the floor with no blanket or pillows or any sort of indication that I went to bed by choice).....and had absolutely no idea where I was, what town I was in, or who resided in any of the 3 bedrooms that appeared to have closed doors.

You would think that simply looking out the window would help a little bit....but it actually made me even more confused. There was some serious looking characters walking up and down the street, in the mist of a smoggy fog haze....and I think one of these miserable humans even attempted to give me a care bear stare through the window, as if he'd never laid eyes on a Caucasian male before.

Low and behold, I somehow made it to the residence of Wimpy Miles, Slowstuff, and Steina in Chelsea, Massachusetts. A town I am officially giving 5 fingers down. The Tobin Bridge is an abortion. I can't blame Wimpy for actually buying a place of residence, which is the first step to obtaining personal wealth....but I think you mutts could have done a lot better without being the 3 kids that look like they could be NSYNC living in Harlem.

Thanks for the hospitality perverts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackkkkkkk

2007-11-16T15:56:00.001-05:00

Listen up fuckers. I apologize for going into hiding for a while....but I just want you all to know that I'm back, and better than ever. I plan on "pushing the envelope" on all aspects of this blog. I'll talk about shit, piss, fucking, whatever else you sick pricks wanna hear. I promise to uphold the standards of this blog, and join the revolution that brings us back to the promise land.

I'm Simply Suds, and I approved this message.

As for tonight....I plan on puking and pissing in Watertown at Nightmare and Norman's pad. Hell, I may even piss Nightmare's bed to spite him for the time he pissed mine and I socked him in the eye. I'd like to warn the Harp establishment right now....there is a Hurricane forming in Plymouth that is making its way up the coast around 7pm EST.....I plan on doing enough things to get kicked out of your bar within the first 5 minutes of me being there. Know that, bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 15, 2007: RIP...'The Yankee Way'

2007-11-15T21:59:00.000-05:00

Believe it folks. As if A-Rod couldn't become any more of a narcissist he will be forever known as the man that killed the 'Yankee way'. Believe it Chief. I'm sorry to break the news to you but its true. Since the goddam inception of time the 'Yankee Way' has been all about hard work, perseverance and most of all winning no matter what it takes. I hear 'Yankee Way' I think of Joe D, Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter....in other words perennial winners. Guess what A-Rod is? You guessed it.....a friggin Munson! Not only that but the Yankees specifically said that if he opted out of his current contract and went to free agency they wouldn't negotiate with him thus ending his tenure as a Yankee. So they went back on their word. So what? Lots of people do. But in the past this certainly wouldn't have been how their current regime would have gone about business. What changed you ask. The fact that YOUR Boston Red Sox have won the World Series twice in the past 4 years....thats what! The Yankees can't take it, so they are tweeking out worse than an OCD person after a blunt.

So from a business standpoint lets think about this. Why would the Yankees re-sign A-Rod? The dude is 0-for his lifetime in the postseason. He has never.... N-E-V-E-R ....proven himself there (this year included) and the Yankees are all about winning right? Wrong! They don't give a crap anymore. All they saw is the possibility of having A-Rod on the team for beating Bond's HR record. This coming from a team that hardly needs any more PR. They are probably the most recognizable (or at least top 5) sports teams in the world. But in the end thats what they opted for. The publicity, the hoopla, the notoriety....all for the sake of not winning. And believe me they won't win. That move combined with the atrocity they gave Posada gives their hopes of doing anything for the foreseeable future about as much chance as OJ being found innocent.

Don't get me wrong I'm pumped as hell. Not that the Sox needed any help but the Yanks gift wrapped the next 4-5 years of AL East championships for them. To quote Buzz from 'Home Alone'...A-Rod....you're such a disease! You'll never win the big one and continue to fail in the postseason. I predict they finish behind TB this year. If I was a Yankee fan I'd be mad as hell that A-Rod (that rat fink that he is) stole the Yankee mystique.

Orlando

The World Needs To Know About Amanda Cicchini

2007-11-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

For starters Amanda Cicchini makes Allison Stokke look like the chick I offered $7.50 for a handjob in Dorchester last week. Before I go any further I want to make it clear that I'm completely ripping this story off of barstoolsports.com. Normally I'd rather slide down a 20 foot razor blade into a pool of lemon juice than get a story from them BUT I feel like this is too good to pass up. Also, I'd like to give the staff over there kudos because for the past couple of weeks they've been killing it. Anyways give me a second so I can pull their cock out of my mouth.

(ahem).....OK i'm back. Lets get back to the subject at hand. This girl is completely ridiculous. Before you read on, just take a peak at the pics above then start reading again. Honestly I've never had a kid (that I know of) but I'd like to think I'd give up my first born just to touch this chicks leg right after she shaves it. And that ass?!?! Are you kidding me? It looks like she's hiding two half hams under that dress! I mean if I didn't know any better I'd think the camera was out of focus for every picture because her ass is a freak of nature. I'd venture to say if you bounced a quarter off it it would bounce at least (at least!) 20 feet in the air. Not to mention that I have an unhealthy obsession with soccer chicks. I honestly have so much more to say about this girl but I have to stop because I'm getting over-stimulated, hopefully I can put the thoughts in the comments.

Orlando

Indianapolis Has Nothing On Boston

2007-11-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, OK so that line is a complete and utter lie. I’m not about to judge a book by its cover but I’ve been in Indianapolis for about six and a half hours and so far I’d rather stick my peter in a sliding mini-van door and slam it shut a few times rather than spend anymore time here. As soon as I touched the ground I saw a cloud of dust burst into the air like when you sit down on a dirty dorm couch that hasn’t been touched in awhile. Then after being at my hotel for awhile I decided to check out the local area for places to eat. I did a search online for restaurants in a 20 mile radius and literally 13 out of the 20 options were Arby’s. Honestly I couldn’t make this stuff up, Burger Kings are a delicacy out here.

After being discouraged by the obvious lack of decent eating establishments I decided to hit up the hotel restaurant. When I took a seat at the bar there were two smarmy brits to my right talking about how awesome it is to be British. And to my left there was a rather portly gentleman getting uniquely intimate with corn on the cob. About halfway through my meal the two smug pricks got up to smoke a cigarette and immediately after they left the corn guzzling monster pushes his plate away sits back and lets out a huge sigh and sticks his hand in his pants. He turns to me and says “Jesus Christ I hate those British f*ckers that think they know everything. I mean sure they might know the English language a little better but the superiority ends there”. I obviously starting laughing hysterically and he replied “Thank god you know what I’m talking about”. The best part about his entire diatribe was that the entire lower portion of his face was covered with partially eaten corn and the butter slime was actually dripping off of his chin making a mucus line from his chin to the bar. At this point I was so completely proud to be an American ( I knew you would be too Wimpy).

Anyways the moral of this story is 1.) Indianapolis is appropriately placed in the mid-west and 2.) while watching the Celts/Pacers game on the local FSN network I was pleasantly surprised by a gorgeous little minx named Stacy Paetz. During the second half she did a couple of reports from the sideline and the more I saw her I started to think about how the Celtics have Greg Dickerson doing their sideline reporting. Then I started thinking about how much of a pickle he was and got really mad. If the Celtics can make moves to become the best team in the NBA the least they can do is get some decent eye candy to do some meaningless sideline reporting….no? SO anyways Indy may suck but the Pacers have a waaaay hotter sideline reporter than the Celts. So in closing I’d like to say f*ck Greg Dickerson I hope he chokes on a gross Arby’s hot dog and we get some smokin’ hot chick.

P.S. I realize thats not the best picture but for starters Dickerson is tough to look at. Secondly this chick really is dope but that the best picture I could find

Enough is Enough... continued

2007-11-13T09:35:00.001-05:00

I'm sure this will only fuel the rampant sepculation that Norman P. Orlando and myself are, in actuality, the same person... but I feel obligated to add to NPO's outstanding Public Transportation Manifesto.

Enough really is enough, but the tip of the iceberg was only barely touched here; and trust me, it will sink the titanic that is your daily commute. I'm even going to give the disgusting homeless f*cks who piss and sh*t all over the trains a pass, because a) that happens in almost every city and b) they often can't help themselves. It's the people who should be intelligent enough ride public transportation in a normal manner, but consistently and abjectly fail to do so, that are the real target of my hatred.

When people take the T, their IQ's plummet. They could be coming from MIT after winning a prestigious award for groundbreaking scientific work, but the second they get on the Red Line at Kendall Square their intelligence level drops to that of a dyslexic mongoloid 8 year old who just got hit in the head with a tire iron. They're a f*cking idiot.

Here's a few more to add to NPO's hit list:

1. Guy With Enormous Backpack

I'm not sure how much sh*t you feel you need to carry with you everywhere you go, but for f*cksake, can you at least take your backpack off and put it on the floor?! Some of these assholes wear packs that stick out at least 2 feet, and insist on keeping on their back. When they turn around, they knock into damn near everyone and everything around them, like a frickin' 3 Stooges skit. Are you hiking the Appalachian Trail buddy? No? Then take that f*cking pack off!

2. Broad Shouldered Back Leaner

Some people need to have their backs up against the seat, come hell or high water. If there are already 2 full size people on either side of you this is almost a physical impossibility, and yet some people still attempt it. These invasive f*cks will lean back and push until the squeeze in there. It's rude, uncomfortable, and deserves an elbow to the face. Unfortunately when they do this, your elbows are pinned to your sides. Just lean forward. Please. It's not that hard. I'm about as board as they come, and I somehow manage it. I've even had a guy lean back into me, and then tell me I was invading his space. Wha?

3. Unnecessary Reacher

Cousin to the Broad Shouldered Back Leaner, the Unnecessary Reacher has handle options readily available in front of them, but insists on reaching all the way across you to grab a different pole. I've had books knocked out of my hands by these dipsh*ts.

4. 300 Pound Fat Guy

This has little to do with etiquette or intelligence, but I'm throwing it in here anyway. If you're a disgusting fat f*ck that takes up two seats, I don't want to be around you. I can hear you weazing over the clatter of the train, and see the sweat under your man boobs. It's making me ill. Do you really need to be stuffing that donut in your face, and getting glaze-crumbs all over yourself and the seat next to you that no one will sit in cause you're so f*cking gross? I can't believe that you can't stop eating long enough to take a train. You know what, take a taxi, or better yet, lose some weight by walking.

Enough is Enough: A Public Transportation Manifesto

2007-11-07T19:37:00.000-05:00

This may just be my social OCD kicking in here but do you feel that most people act like complete jerk-offs on public transportation? I mean as soon as people set foot into a train/bus station their IQ plummets and their douchebagness sky-rockets. I think we can all agree that its inevitable when you use public transportation to get to work there is going to be a certain level of unsought intimacy. However there are a few simple rules that, if followed, can make our daily commutes just a bit more enjoyable and a little less wretched.

1. To all you Moms and Dads out there please…PLEASE keep your friggin strollers off of the train/bus during rush hour(s). If you absolutely have to have your kids there can't you just carry them? I know, I’m sorry. This can come off as extremely insensitive. But I don’t give a flying f*ck. It’s the truth. A stroller is a menace on a crowded train/bus and chances are it really doesn’t need to be there. Anyone who has played a pseudo game of twister on a train because of trying to jockey around a stroller knows what I’m talking about.

2. When a flood of people are trying to get out the door at a stop and you’re the asshole in the way DON’T stand in the middle of the train! Get off, stand to the side and let everyone get out, then get back on. Its really not that hard.

Speaking of getting off the train….

3. I’m sure you’ve heard this about a million times but for some reason some people can’t grasp the concept. You’re supposed to WAIT for everyone to get off the train then get on. Regardless, every T stop I’m at there is some moron that is fighting the traffic getting off just to get on. First off, if you’re that excited to get to work you need to relax you body. Secondly if you’re that anxious to get a seat chances are you could probably use the exercise of standing.

4. Try your hardest to shower and brush your teeth. No one wants to smell your awful BO or breath.

5. Lastly, unless you are a completely blazin’ chick that smells great people really don’t want to be that close to you. Just do your best to keep your own personal space. We’re in this together guys. I mean we put a man on the moon for christ’s sake, we should be able master the art of riding the train everyday.

Any other thoughts?

Orlando

Don Shula Is Egregious...Plus This Chick Is Pretty Hot

2007-11-06T16:27:00.001-05:00

So yet another team starts off the year with a 9-0 record. You know what that means right? Time to call the nursing homes, bust out the polyester suits and interview all those has-been old geezers that were on the ’72 Dolphins. God, I’m so sick of seeing these old assholes. Die already!. I mean these guys are probably the most pathetic losers in sports. Every time a team has a good start they start hemming and hawing about the good ole days. Then again I guess they don’t have too much else to hold on to. Most of their lives have been reduced to drinking Metamucil on a porch, while simultaneously pooping and pissing themselves. So I guess I see where they are coming from.

Anyways Don Shula was approached for an interview by the New York Daily News to get his thoughts on the Patriots season and here’s what he had to say:

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished. You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it."

WTF Don? He goes on to explain the significance of the fines levied on the Patriots and Bill Belichick:

"That tells you the seriousness and significance of what they found, I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record.”

OK Don, you’ve got to be kidding me. Are you really equating Bonds with the current phenomenon that is the New England Patriots? You’ve completely gone over the deep end. Bonds was taking an illegal substance to physically alter his body. The Patriots were videotaping. First off, all teams do this. Secondly, the league permits this as long as you’re not on the sideline! Yes, it was a bad move by Belichick to put that camera on the field but in no way, shape or form does this compare to taking steroids.

Furthermore, I believe the fines are NOT a good indicator of the severity of the penalty. The fines are a great indicator of how psycho Roger Goodell has been since taking over the league. He’s like a crazy broad out there. He’s embarking on the same streak of levying completely egregious punishments that my mom did circa 1997-1999. Absurd!

And one last point. Whats up with people not letting go of records graciously? Hank Aaron did it, Dan Marino did it and now Don Shula/ the entire ’72 Dolphins team is doing it. Although this is nothing new for them, they’ve been known to toast champagne when the last undefeated team falls every year. Jeez fellas get a life, go watch some porn or something.

Gentlemen, its a sport. No record or player is bigger than the game. If you are fortunate enough to hold a record for any amount of time enjoy it and when your time is up don’t be a whiney friggin toddler.

Don't Sleep On Sarah Carter

2007-11-06T13:25:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched DOA: Dead or Alive, the movie based on the video game. The game is world famous for the amount of time and money the developers spent on animating the breasts of female characters. They jiggle. They bounce. It's like every 14 year-old gamer's dream come true. And mine. They're mesmerizing.

The movie had 4 amazingly hot chicks kicking ass, and was surprisingly entertaining up until they tried (and failed) to give it a coherent plot, only to end the movie with the girls fighting... get ready for it... Eric Roberts?!

Anyway, I completely, 100%, unabashedly fell in love with Sarah Carter during the course of this movie. She out-hotted the other hotties, even the slutty british assassin/thief, and won my heart! Why have I never heard of her before?! She combines that quintessential Girl Next Door wholesomeness with a body you'd sell vital organs for. She cleans up better than a crew of Mexican maids, and looks fantastic as a dressed-down plain Jane. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman... from a movie... based on a video game.

Schill Stays In Beantown

2007-11-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

Reports are coming out of ESPN saying the Sox and Curt Schilling have reached an agreement on a one-year deal worth about $8 million in base salary and another $2 million in potential incentives. I'm glad to hear Schill came to his senses and wasn't sticking to that absurd $13 million number he was throwing around back in February.

Personally I'm psyched as hell about this deal. At first I was a little dubious about signing him again because he was getting up there in age, didn't exactly have a stellar season this year and I really didn't think there was room for him on the pitching staff to be honest. Then it dawned on me. Its Curt F*cking Schilling! Not only that but he's going to be a back of a rotation type guy with a bunch of studs in front of him.

At this point its a known fact that Schill is one of the most prolific big game pitchers of all time. I mean he got a third of his wins (3) in the post season this year. Yes, that means he only won 9 games this season but it also means he shows up when it counts. So why not lock this guy up for our inevitable World Series run next year? Plus, I don't think its such a bad idea to have the youngbloods on our team exposed to Schilling for one more year.

Glad to have you back Schill, here's to another championship next year.

Orlando

This weeks Brest Guest is....

2007-11-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

Its officail, starting this week we will have "Brest Guest" of the week. Let us know who you would like to see.

For the 1st time EVER, I sweat the English accent

2007-11-04T18:46:00.001-05:00

Let me digress, up until a month ago I would cringe at the sound of an English accent, or anyone from areas remotely close to England for that matter. Put it this way, I would rather sleep with Nightmares mother then have a conversation with someone that spoke with one. HOWEVER... after meeting my next-ex girlfriend last week, I officially sweat it. Not sure why or how this could even happen but now I find myself surrounded by it and loving every minute of it. I added the video just to add credibility.

Big thanks to nutsmagvideos.com for this.

FIGHT OF THE YEAR? TONIGHT ON HBO, 9 PM...

2007-11-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

WBO champ Joe Calzaghe (43-0, 32 KO's) vs. WBA champ Mikkel Kessler (39-0, 29 KO's)

...60,000 fans at Millennium Stadium (Wales)!!

Calzaghe - incredible athlete, fast, left-handed, tall (for a super middle weight), fundamental, great jab, weak puncher. Must stay outside to win.

Kessler - the term "aggressive" doesn't do him justice, much harder puncher, great defensively.

...My opinion? Kessler pounces on Calzaghe, which allows him to get inside, thus, allowing him to control the fight. KESSLER WINS...

Bet on it.

Manny to Jay Leno: "Are You Related to Kevin Youkilis? You Guys Have the Same Chin." CLASSIC.

2007-11-03T11:51:00.000-04:00

Who knew I'd be back so soon? I just couldn't resist posting Manny Ramirez's appearance on Jay Leno. Hell, who knew Manny and Leno were "car" acquaintances??

Indoor sunglasses. Diaper on the back of his head. Hugs all around. Car talk. Pounds with the "40 year old virgin". Helmet talk. Finger pointing. Manny being Manny!

Lastly, there is a 0% chance that Manny's father owned a '56 Chrysler Imperial. No chance. In this part of the interview, Leno threw Manny a curveball -- and Manny bit for it in a big way...hook, line, and sinker! This chain of events cemented the fact that Manny was going to eventually break out his Youkilis line (which we all know he had been contemplating for days now).

All in all, just an incredible 7 minutes of television...

Carmen Takes Halloween to the Next Level (NSFW)

2007-11-02T14:20:00.000-04:00

Carmen For Halloween

Remember me...no?? Good - just the way I like it. Remember Carmen (a Win Column favorite since inception)?? Now we're talking.

Anyway, the primary reason I'm writing this post is because I promised Orlando that I would congratulate the Red Sox and Red Sox Nation on their recent World Series championship. To a million more "pink hat" fans...cheers. Was it wrong for me to wish San Diego's fires upon Lansdowne last Sunday evening?

It's probably no coincidence that I'm just now coming to grips with such fate - after all, the Celtics and Providence Friars begin their quest for dominance tonight.

In all honesty, these last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I was interviewed by CBS (Channel 2 in NY) minutes after the news that Joe Torre had rejected the Yankees' $5M (+ incentives) job offer. I was elated!! As I've said for 2 years now, Joe Torre was the worst possible manager for the New York Yankees job. The Yankees are in the midst of a youth movement. Newsflash! Joe Torre heavily favors veterans over any and all youngsters. Because Torre has made it his mission to destroy every pitcher's arm (now that Torre is a Dodger, I can only pray for Scott Proctor and his family), the "Joba Rules" were solely implemented as a defense to Torre's insanity. Torre is an awful in-game manager...he refuses to move runners along. Torre benched Gary Sheffield in the deciding game vs. the Tigers in the 2006 ALDS, the day after he batted the best baseball player on the planet (A-Rod) 8th!!! Are you kidding me???? Sheffield's presence and bat wiggle is enough to make Kenny Rogers crap himself on the mound! Torre's Yankees hadn't made it out of the 1st round of the playoffs in 3 consecutive years. Torre's Yankees hadn't won a championship in 7 years. That's $1.2 BILLION down the tubes. Where's the accountability??? Joe, I thank you for your efforts during your tenure - I loved you for years, but your time clearly expired.

Joe Girardi - step right up! What a ballsy hire...incredible hire. Passion, intensity, in-game management, film study. A new era -- a welcomed era!

Alex Rodriguez - for the past 4 years, I was your biggest fan. I defended you to death, no matter the struggles. Today, you are dead to me. You have genuinely and sincerely hurt me.

So, who plays 3B for the Yanks next year? None other than Robbie Cano. If the Yanks can sign Orlando Hudson to play 2B (defensive whiz with great bat control and plate discipline), Cano is the Yanks' 3B. You heard it hear first.

In order to avoid rambling, I need to cut this short (God, I have so much more I want/need to vent). However, I need to get something off my chest before signing off...WHO IS CORNSTARR??? Some of his stuff is funny -- but, I'm convinced Cornstarr is, in real life, "The Entertainer" from VH1's 'I Love New York'.

Will I be back for autographs? Who knows. But in the meantime, keep it gangsta...

Term of the Week

2007-11-02T11:00:00.000-04:00

LUG

...or Lesbian Until Graduation.

This is a term that was dropped on me by a Vassar chick I play hoops with. Apparently during college many of her female peers felt it was easier to hook up with girls (Vassar being predominantly women) than pursue the few men on campus. I'm pretty sure that most of the hotties in the Girls Kissing video posted below are LUG's, and that Vassar was a panoply of incredibly attractive babes with soft, great smelling skin constantly making out with each other.

However, with graduation, and the looming resubmersion into an environment filled with c*ck, these fine ladies changed their tune upon getting a diploma handed to them and decided that they actually weren't lesbians at all. I'm not making this sh*t up, this was brought to my attention by someone who experienced it first hand, and then verified by another chick I know who went to Mount Holyoke... which is all women. It is an observed, noted, and absolutely real social phenomenon.

So here's to you, LUG's! TheWinColumn salutes you! We whole-heartedly support your crusade to make it socially acceptable for two (or three or four) chicks to make out, and then decide they want the d*ck afterall. Hopefully, with hard work and perseverance, we can get the turn around time down from 4 years to 4 hours, and transition you ladies from LUG's to LULC's (Lesbians Until Last Call).

Hey, if you're gonna dream, dream big.

World Series MVP is "Taking over the WORLD!!!"

2007-11-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

Have to give credit to one of Normans buddies for this one.

Dont get me wrong Mike Lowell is the man and Red Sox Nation will be lost without him next year if we dont sign him. That doesnt take away from the fact that he looks like The Brain from Pinky & The Brain..... NO? You be the judge....

This Just In.....

2007-11-01T23:10:00.001-04:00

Papelbon is dating Hiedi from The Hills!!!!

Aries Spears does hip hop impression

2007-11-01T23:06:00.001-04:00

Aries Spears might be the funniest guy around. Enjoy the video

Is Barry Cooper A Douche Bag Or Is He Trying To Help You Get High?

2007-10-31T13:30:00.001-04:00

I realize this story won't interest everybody (Wimpy), but for those of you who it DOES interest you may find this invaluable. NPR reported a story today that highlighted former Texas narcotics officer Barry Cooper. Cooper was basically the top narcotics officer in west Texas logging in an impressive/depressing 800 drug arrests in 8 years only now to be switching sides releasing an instructional DVD sharing his secrets to help people not get busted.

To give you a little context - after Cooper was so successful in west Texas he was promoted to a more troublesome area of east Texas where it was believed that the drug use was spiraling out of control. But, after a few months on the job, he found himself at the sh*tend of the stick when it came to small town politics. First, Cooper arrested the mayor's son for possession of methamphetamines. He then arrested a city councilman for driving with a bag of pot and a gun which inevitably gained him some very high-ranking enemies. After a few months Cooper started to get some blow back when he was arrested for theft after returning rental movies late and for unlawfully carrying a gun. These charges led to the city trying to take away his kids.

Disenchanted with law enforcement he decided to give them a big d*ckslap in the face and make some money doing it and released this video divulging his secrets.

Listen, I'm not sure what to make of all this. To be honest I'm a bit dubious. Plus I’m not 100% convinced by his motivations either. I've watched some of the clips on youtube and they haven't impressed me. My hope is that this guy isn't releasing any of the good information because he wants people to buy the DVD. I do know this; the guy obviously has a ton of experience and knows a ton about busting spaced-out stoners....right? So maybe its worth the $24.95 to find out.

I Stand Corrected...

2007-10-31T12:08:00.000-04:00

I posted below that I couldn't possibly think of a more "me-centered" athlete than A-Rod. I was wrong. For some reason, god knows why, Kobe Bryant didn't come to mind.

However, if you saw him bitching and whining his way through the Lakers' opening night, you got a good reminder. Like Yankees fans souring on A-Rod, Lakers fans are turning on Kobe. Any why not? He's been jerking LA fans around like a girl who loves you, but you're not all that into, so you hook up with her and don't call her, but then you get drunk one night and text her so you can get some ass, and then go right back to not calling her, or maybe IM with her just to lead her on.

Anyway, Kobe gave a sulky press conference after the game because he didn't get a call at the buzzer. I'm sure the fact that his team lost last night had nothing to do with the fact that its a shell of its former self because he destroyed the chemistry that won them 3 championships, or because his egomaniacal demands continue to alienate him from his coach and team.

Robert Goulet RIP

2007-10-31T11:41:00.001-04:00

Robert Goulet passed away today at the age of 73. I'm posting this clip as a tribute. We'll miss ya Robert. You really knew how to class up a joint.

A-Rod Makes it to the World Series!

2007-10-29T14:06:00.001-04:00

If you think that Scott Boras didn't time the announcement that A-Rod will be opting out of his contract with the Yankees to coincide with the Red Sox World Series victory, you should check yourself into a mental ward, because you're clearly dillusional.

For those of you who missed it, Boras announced, just prior to the game last night, that A-Rod was going to test the waters to see if any other teams are foolish enough to mortgage their franchise to get him (they phrased it differently, of course, but the principal remains the same). A-Rod had until 10 days after the World Series to make this announcement, so why do it during the last game? Because he's A-Rod, the most self-serving, me-athlete on the planet. If you can think of one that's bigger, please let me know.

So instead of talking about how great the Red Sox were, or how the Rockies amazing streak came to an end when they ran into to the buzzsaw of Red Sox Nation, or how incredible it is that 2 rookies batting 1 and 2 would put up 7 runs, or how Mike Lowell went from trade afterthought to World Series MVP, we were forced to hear about A-Rod.

Poor Peter Gammons was disgusted. When asked about where A-Rod might go, he began to answer the question, then it dawned on him that the Red Sox were behind him celebrating their second World Series win in 4 years, and he was talking about A-Rod, and he put everything in perspective by ripping A-Rod on national television. This is one of many reasons for which I love Peter Gammons.

So it's official: Everyone hates A-Rod. Everyone in the league hates him because he's a prick, and the Yankees fans that rooted for him now hate him because he's leaving the team to try to get more money... so that begs the questions - Does anyone like A-Rod? Anyone?! I can't think of a red-blooded American who would stand up and say, "I'm a huge Alex Rodriguez fan." Hell, just writing it made me throw up in my mouth.

Term of the Week

2007-10-26T13:05:00.000-04:00

Triple Crown

Traditionally, the Triple Crown refers to the 3 biggest races run by 3 year old thoroughbreds. There are different triple crowns in other countries, but in the US its the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. Winning all 3 races gives a horse the Triple Crown, and is considered the greatest accomplishment possible for a race horse.

However, there is now a second meaning to Triple Crown, as it is currently being used to refer to perhaps the worse possible end to a night of binge drinking. Surprisingly (or not, depending on the circles you run in) some people will go out and get so bombed that they puke, piss, and sh*t themselves. Accomplishing all 3 of these tasks wins the unlucky f*cker the Triple Crown, and will undoubtedly get them kicked out of whatever bar or house party they are at.

Manny Likes To Keep It Simple

2007-10-25T08:57:00.000-04:00

First let me start by saying that that game last night was just filthy. The Sox are an absolute juggernaut right now. Beckett pitched a gem and continued to dominate the 2007 post season like a fat girl dominates the Old Country Buffet lunch special. Manny was 3-4 with 2 rbi, 3 runs and a walk but a way more hilarious stat for Manny is that he's 2-2 with naming kids. The above picture shows Manny's two kids: four-year old Manny Ramirez Jr. and 13-year-old Manuel O'Neil Ramirez. Thats right people, he named BOTH of his kids Manny! I realize this isn't unprecedented but it is highly uncommon which has sort of come to embody the idea that is 'Manny being Manny'. Just take a moment and try to imagine what some of the dialogue must be like around the Ramirez house. I say Theo locks both the Minny Mannys up ASAP. God I love Manny.

Orlando

If You're Trying To Kill Time Before The Sox Game....

2007-10-24T11:32:00.001-04:00

I highly recommend logging in some time watching girls kiss. Its usually pretty cool. I mean at least give it a shot.

Top 10 Sexiest Halloween Costumes

2007-10-23T12:53:00.000-04:00

Okay ladies, listen up. In preparation for Halloween, I am giving you my list of the Top 10 Sexiest Halloween Costumes. Please, PLEASE, wear one. Any one.

1.

Sexy Teacher
If you think Van Halen was lying, think again.

2.

Sexy Cowgirl
Who wouldn't want to saddle up and ride... this chick?

3.

Sexy Devil
God I love evil women. If there is anything that can make Satanism sexier, its a great pair of legs.

4.

Sexy School Girl
The all time, heavy weight champion of sexy costumes. Even moderately attractive chicks look super hot in this get up. And look Norman, she's smoking a butt! CUPID, DRAW BACK YOUR BOW!!

5.

Dirty Librarian
I'd take her to the quiet section and make her teach me the dewey decimal system.

6.

Sexy Whore
Sounds a bit redundant, but whatever...

7.

Sexy Alice in Wonderland
Actually, this makes me feel pretty dirty... and is therefore my favorite.

8.

Sexy Detective
I'd really like to do an in depth investigation of her crime scene.

9.

French Maid
This is one of the ONLY times something French is awesome.

10.

Pocahontas
Go ahead, make all the poking jokes you want.

Runners Up:

Sexy Ghostbuster
Who you gonna call?

Hot Ref
She can make all the bad calls she likes, I ain't saying sh*t.

Sexy Cop
Man, Sir Psycho Sexy was right.

Sexy Football Fan
I'd root with her all day long. NOTE: In Australia, "rooting" also means f*cking. ALSO NOTE: She's wearing kneepads!!

This Sh*t Has Got To Stop.

2007-10-19T11:29:00.000-04:00

If you ever wanted more evidence that corporate America is sticking its collective finger in the ass of our national pastime, you need only watch the ALCS on Fox. Condolences everyone, the white-haired, suit-wearing, country club constituency has taken over. Please be sure to wear pleated gap khakis and a polo shirt to every game.

I pity the American youth; kids who grow up idolizing our big league phenoms, but who can't even watch the games because they run until 1 in the morning. And why? So TV execs can make some more money. It's all about market share and advertising revenue. These dickheads could give a f*ck less if little leaguers can't watch their heroes, because they stand to make an extra buck by starting the game at 8pm, or 9pm, or 10pm. It's ridiculous.

What's wrong with starting the game at 6:30? You get out of work at 5, and unless you have the worst f*cking commute on earth, you can still make it home or to a bar by 6:30. Hell, you could even watch the game with your kid, what a novel f*cking idea!

Start times aside, look at the content those corporate assholes are cramming down our throat. Count how many ads for erectile dysfunction you have to watch during the course of a game. Seriously, count them. It's almost every ad break. And why are they putting these on? Target marketing. They know their audience: it's old rich men who can afford to blow money on pills so they can get hard. Sickening.

I can't imagine being a parent and having to explain to a kid why in the name of god's green earth someone might suffer from a 4 hour erection. These ads for Cialis and Levitra are simply disgusting: they feature these old f*cks sitting in swing-chairs on porches, stroking one another's cheek lovingly and staring into each other's eyes with a look that says, "when these pills kick in, I'm gonna f*ck you." Is that really an image I need during a baseball game? Old people f*cking?

And in case these gross, wrinkly, pill poppers are worried about having a heart attack while humping their brains out, they have Lipitor being pushed their way by some creepy alien named Dr. Robert Jarvik. This is what our national sport is pushing in between the 5th and 6th inning at 11 o'clock at night: lower your cholesterol, get a hard on, and diversify your portfolio. What in the sweet name of Jesus H. Christ does this have to do with baseball? Or ANY sports? For the love of all that is good and sacred, sell me some f*cking Gatorade!!

The message being sent is simple: F*ck the fans. We're more interested in selling product X and we've identified a market segment that is more important than your love for the game. Want proof that they don't give two sh*ts about real baseball fans? I give you Fox's coverage. To say it is horrible doesn't even come close. It is horrendous, appalling, deplorable, sickening, and an affront to all humanity. Anyone who knows anything about baseball can't even watch it because its so incredibly dumbed-down. Their correspondents are either offensively annoying or yawningly bland, their play-by-play makes me want to pull a f*cking double Van Gogh, and the pre-game show is so god awful that I'll have virtually any other channel on up until the first pitch. It's total bullsh*t.

So f*ck Fox, f*ck market segments, f*ck Tim McCarver, f*ck Cialus, f*ck these stuffed-shirt, overweight, pleated gap khaki-wearing, ED having, white bread, brainless, executive f*cks, and just give me back baseball. The sport. The game kids play and love and watch on TV... not this perverse money-making machine.

Term of the Week

2007-10-19T10:24:00.000-04:00

Granny Dumping

A big shout out to Chuck Palahnuik on this one. If you haven't read Choke yet, do yourself a favor and pick it up. Whatever sick sh*t is going on in your mind, it won't even compare to what Chuck is dealing with upstairs.

Granny Dumping is a concept that Chuck turned me onto. There are people who get sick of dealing with their relatives when they are old, senile, crazy, stinking of death, and can't even remember who the f*ck they are anymore.

So what do they do? They take them for a ride. They bundle up Grandma, put her in the car, drive her out to the middle of f*ck ass nowhere, and then leave her there with no identification and no way to get home. Hell, she doesn't know who she is, let alone where she lives.

Eventually she'll get picked up and turned into the authorities, and then put in a care home. Or wander for days and die. Either way, she's no longer an anchor on anyone's life.

Kenny Lofton Must Smoke Crack.

2007-10-19T08:28:00.000-04:00

It’s the only possible explanation for his shenanigans last night. Lets see Beckett is 6-5 222 lbs. and Lofton is 5-11 and 180 lbs. soaking wet. Not to mention Kenny is old enough to be Beckett's grandfather. So the fact that Lofton would charge Beckett like he was going to throw his little fists of fury around means he’s either delusional or hitting the pipe. Not only that but what’s been up with Lofton's jerk-off behavior the entire series? In particular during the Dice-K start when he took about five minutes to get into the batter’s box every at bat. Or when he came out for a curtain call in game 3 when he hit the home run in like the third inning or some shit. Relax your body Kenny. It was in the early innings of a game three…still a lot of baseball to be played.

Usually you acquire veterans on your team to bring leadership and experience to a club you expect to go deep into the post-season. Typically, they keep their mouth shut, let their play do the talking and lead by example. Pretty much exemplify the “act like you been there” mentality. In other words NOT pull some hot-headed douchebag crap like Lofton did. Either way the Indians are f*cked. Friendly Fenway is going to be a shit storm this weekend. So here’s to the Sox in 7!

Orlando

I Have A New Love.....

2007-10-18T10:34:00.001-04:00

And her name is Gabriela Quintero of Rodrigo y Gabriela. I saw this duo last night and was absolutely blown away. They rocked the party. It might have been the most impressive display of guitar talent I’ve ever seen. If you watched the video already you know what I’m talking about, if you haven’t yet stop reading and watch before going on. The only thing bad about this band is when you try to recommend them to other people you’re force to say ‘y’ instead of ‘and’, and in doing so sound like a complete holier than thou douchebag that has to use the Spanish pronunciation. My advice, don’t be that guy.

This might just be me but in my opinion a chick that can absolutely shred on guitar is so friggin sexy that it gives me a boner. Not just any boner though, one of the ones that stays around for way too long and if you want to walk around without being a pervert you have to try to tuck it into the waistband of your boxers. You all know what I’m talking about. Anyways this chick IS super sexy. She addressed the crowd a few times last night and had a raspy-broken English sexiness going on that made me holler ‘No Mas!” because I was getting over stimulated. Not only that but if you forward that video to the 3 minute mark and check out the crazy wrist action she has going on it might just restore your faith in the fact that there is a lady out there that can still give a hand-job worth a damn!

Orlando

You Be The Judge...

2007-10-17T17:45:00.001-04:00

As a follow up to SlowStuff's previous post I wanted to throw a question out to readers. Personally I love Ben Affleck. The dude has pretty much no talent and some how weaseled his way into Hollywood and poked some of the hottest tail around (in their prime mind you!) and basically acted as a man-whore for the past 5-7 years. I know.... every dudes dream.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that there isn't an abundance of great scenes from Affleck floating around. Yes, he had some great ones in Dazed and Confused but, in my opinion, not the same caliber of Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting. He peaked too early...but I'm sure a few of us a familiar with that. So my question is which scene is better....Boiler Room or Good Will Hunting?

HUMP DAY INSPIRATION

2007-10-17T17:01:00.001-04:00

With the weekend creeping towards us, some of us may need a little pep talk, to fire us up a little. This clip should fire you up and get you through the work week!!!! Remember, NO PIKERS!!!!!!

Memories... of the way things were.

2007-10-17T09:36:00.001-04:00

Remember the good old days? As in last Friday, when the Sox wiped the urinal gutters of Fenway with the Cleveland Indians? Man, those were the days! Just thinking back to that drunken victory makes me ask... was it really only 5 days ago?! WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED?!?! This clip shows what we were supposed to see: Gagne doing mop up duty after Manny, Papi, and The Puerto Rican George Clooney (aka. Mike Lowell) destroy Cleveland's aces.

And what did we get instead? For the last 2 games the Sox have consistently hit into double plays with runners in scoring position, failed to score against Cleveland's mediocre 3rd and 4th pitchers (how great did Westbrook and Byrd look because of us?), and allowed Cleveland's bats to make our bullpen look like a bunch of hacks.

The Sox get a solid F for games 3 and 4. Fail. Terrible. Stop playing because it hurts me to watch you suck this much.

Think about how great you felt on Friday. Now think about how terrible you feel this morning. For serious, what happened?

Finger Bombs

2007-10-16T21:05:00.000-04:00

There has got to be a way that this guy can translate this into getting some chicks, just based on dexterity. If he can do this, he must be able to handle dual finger bombs in a three-way. Just thinking outside the box. Or inside the box. If only we could get them to overlook the inherent geekiness of rubics cubes... I feel the same way about guys who are sick with yo-yo's. It's like, "You've just shown me something that is supercool, but somehow exempts you from ever getting laid."

In other news, I woke up this morning and poured orange juice on my cereal. I'm pretty sure that disqualifies me from ever being able to do something this coordinated.

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

2007-10-16T16:10:00.000-04:00

Not going to happen, I know!! I have been waiting for this one fellas. Sure all you geeks out there watching Heroes week nights on NBC know about her, and I'm sure you know she recently turned 18. Just because she is of a legal age doesn't make you or I any less of a perv'.

Do I feel any better about myself now that she is 18??? Not really sure!

One thing I know for sure is Hayden Panettiere is one the cutest chicks on TV. Besides, don't pass her up just because she may be younger than your little sister. Hayden is and will be one of the hottest chick in Hollywood someday.

She's a hottie with a smokin' little body and a classic beautiful face! Do yourself a favor and take a quick break from Monday Night Football and check out Hayden Mondays at 9p.m. on NBC.

Sophie Howard and Science

2007-10-15T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dear readers of TheWinColumn, please meet the future Mrs. Cornstarr...

But more importantly, according to the London News men should ejaculate more. Yup. You heard right. This was an actual scientific study.

To help in this endeavor, I give you all Sophie Howard. When it comes to motivation, she's like the Tony Robbins of getting guys to fire off a couple of knuckle-children. If the scientists doing this study had allowed access to her pics it would have skewed all the data because the men participating would have been jerking off like a bunch of spider-monkeys on methamphetamines.

Boston College Sucks And So Do All The Smug Pricks That Go There

2007-10-15T11:14:00.001-04:00

I found this picture on Barstoolsports.com and thought it pretty much was the most accurate portrayal of Boston College around. Evidently the story goes these BC fans saw Rudy in a BK and asked to take a picture with him and at the last second the pickle in the middle turned around to show off his very...VERY...witty shirt. Well done my friend, way to outsmart a middle aged dude that didn't even want to be talking with you smug pricks in the first place. BC 'superfans' don't visit cities they infest them.

Lets get something straight here (cough) superfans. Notre Dame is a pillar in the college football community. Always has been and always will be. Boston College sucks. Matt Ryan is arguably the weakest Heismann candidate in the history of the award. The Eagles might be the most over-hyped team in the country. And guess what....you're number 3 in the country and still nobody cares.

Although I'm not that surprised that a bunch of BC students didn't show any type of respect for a guy that had to fight for everything he ever got and basically got the crap kicked out of him on a daily basis just to play (on the practice squad!)for the Irish. That must be a real stretch for a BC student to relate to. Its called tradition. Other than a lucky pass by Doug Flutie what is BC known for? Something tells me we're not going to see any of those types of stories come out of Chestnut Hill any time soon. Just a thought.

So stay classy Boston College. Enjoy your current success. In 10 years you'll be back in the college football blackhole and nobody will give a shit about you. But hey, take solace in the fact that you'll still have a bunch of sissys on campus. You and Meterperel are a match made in heaven.

Orlando

Term of the Week

2007-10-12T14:45:00.000-04:00

Wafflestomping

The Brits out-swear us, out-slang us, and just plain out-filthy us on a consistent basis when it comes to language. They have words that are so disgusting we don't even know what they mean. For example, if someone called your sister a slapper, slag, or said they'd pull her, you'd know you were being insulted, you just wouldn't know how.

This must end.

In an effort do expand the breadth, depth, and luridness of the American-English lexicon, I am offering up the term of the week. Call it a f*cking education.

Each term of the week will be pushing the boundaries of decency, expanding your mind (or more likely, the gutter in which it will exist), and basically give you new sh*t to throw at your friends over a beer or six.

With this in mind, I begin with Wafflestomping:

Wafflestomping has 2 meanings. The first, and more widely used, means beating the ever living piss out of somebody to the point where the tracks of your boot are left all over their face, leaving a waffle pattern.

The second, and more hilarious usage, comes from stupid hippies who want to conserve water... or perhaps from ultimate utilitarians, depending on your perspective. In order to save time and to avoid the awful hassle of using a proper toilet, they will take a dump while in the shower, and then stomp it down the drain with their foot. Needless to say, you don't want to be housemates with these folks.

...and the next time you're getting busy, and you're sucking on some hottie's toes, remember this post. Then pray you don't catch hepatitis.

Titletown...

2007-10-11T16:21:00.000-04:00

I’m so friggin sick of hearing about this so called ‘showdown’ that is going to happen down in Dallas this Sunday. Has a game ever been this over-hyped? The Pats are only giving the Cowboys 4.5?!?! That’s absurd….borderline disrespectful! Brady is going to absolutely shred the Cowboys secondary. Not to mention that Bruschi is going to hit that twerp Romo so hard and so often that ridiculous f*cking dimple is going to end up side by side with his a-hole. I predict Romo moping around the sideline by mid-third quarter with a sour-puss and a backward zubaz hat on walking around like Fred Willard mumbling “whaaa happen?”.

Anyways onward to more immediate issues. The Sox are about to embark on their final journey to the World Series. I’d be surprised if this series goes more than 4 games. As long as Dice-K brings his egg roll ball and chicken chow mein change-up a sweep should be evident. Ready for another surprise? I’m predicting right here and now that good ole’ J.D. Drew is going to be World Series MVP. That’s right folks….you heard it here first.

Furthermore, have you seen any of the preseason Celtics games? Garnett is an absolute beast. I know its early and there is a lot of team chemistry that needs to transpire but you gotta like what you’ve seen so far…right? Who cares that the Bruins stink, hockey stinks like last weeks dirty diapers anyways. I wish it would just go away....its embarassing.

My point is this. I’m a huge Boston sports fan. To the point where I will argue points so vehemently that I will have no problem pouring a beer over an elderly woman’s head and slapping her in the face. But at this point in time Beantown really is Titletown. So enjoy it while it lasts kids because the likelihood of ever seeing this again in our lifetime is not very high...so be proud.

Orlando

Satisfaction Guaranteed with John C Reilly

2007-10-04T15:08:00.000-04:00

Pee-Wee's Playhouse - 1st show (full episode)

2007-10-04T10:42:00.001-04:00

The secret word for today is Door.

This is quality just for the opening intro.

Go Get'em Wimpy.

Best Body In The U.K.?

2007-10-02T17:05:00.000-04:00

I introduce to you Abigail Clancy. Clancy was catipulted into the British tabloids after finishing second in Britains Next Top Model contest last year. She's obviously a very healthy girl with wondeful attributes. She's got perky little apples, a killer body, and of course a butt that won't quit. But wait it gets better! She's got a vicious coke problem as well. Every guy's dream right?

Another one of her claims to fame is being involved with English soccer star Peter Crouch (whom I'm sure most of you nitwits don't even know). During last year's World Cup, when Crouch and Clancy's relationship was heating up, pictures began to surface in British tabloids of Clancy getting her crunk on while having her ex-boyfriend's ball bounce off her face. She was sent home, disgraced by the WAGs (which apparently stands for Wives and Girlfriends of the English soccer team...including none other than Victoria Beckham). Ahhh the Brits with their clever acronyms...what will they think of next!

After Clancy hit rock bottom, her boyfriend, Crouch, dumped her by fax issuing a statement via his lawyer disclaiming any further involvement with her saying "In light of this, I wish to make the situation absolutely clear: Abi and I were in the early stages of a relationship which, for a number of reasons I decided to end, and accordingly informed Abi of my decision." Hows THAT for British chivalry!!

Either way Abigail, I'm cool with your shenanigans. Come to this side of the pond and we'll show you what real men are made of!

Orlando

Is It Right To Make Fun Of This Guy Or Not?

2007-10-02T16:50:00.003-04:00

Personally I'm torn. Part of me started rolling on the ground when I first saw this. However, seeing as how I'm trying to turn over a new leaf in my life the other part of me kinda feels bad for this poor crackhead. Either way this guy sure can carry a tune right? I'd be willing to bet that his next stop after leaving the stage was the buffet table, and not for the food either...he was all about stealing that silverware baby. Praise the Lord!

Orlando

Is This Chick Worth $100,000?

2007-10-01T14:02:00.001-04:00

In a word: No.

In two words: Hell no!

In three words: No f*cking way!!

In the biggest gaf since K-Fed allowed Britney to sign him to a pre-nup (and honestly, I still think he made out pretty well in that deal), Greg Colvino agreed to pay his girlfriend, Elisa Kwon (above), $100,000 if he didn't keep play by the rules as her boyfriend.

Why the hell would anyone ever do this? It blows my mind! Colvino just casually cut a check for a hundred grand and gave it to Kwon so she could cash it if he was caught misbehaving?! For serious?

Anyway, they're in court this week... I'll give you three guesses why, and the first two don't count.

Apparently, Colvino, a 45 year old Wall Street trader, agreed to give up the following for his girlfriend:

Strippers
Prostitutes
Drugs
Staying out late

Just for the sake of posterity, you might want to put "his balls" on that list too.

It astounds me that a guy making sick Wall Street funny-money would be willing to give up his coke infused nudie club binges, staying out till 4am just to see which strippers were actually hooking, and how much cash he had to throw on the runway in order to stop window shopping and finally purchase the goods. Where is your commitment to a lifestyle, guy?

Oh wait, here it is:
"...Kwon,in a motion to dismiss filed on Sept. 20, said Calvino's drug use and wild ways with women entitled her to the money... after he went out with fellow RBC traders to ogle the girls at Flashdancers and do cocaine"

This motion to dismiss was in response to Colvino's suit claiming extortion on Kwon's behalf. Extortion? Dude, you gave her a check for $100,000 and said, "cash it if I f*ck up." Then you went out and did blow all night with your thousand-dollar-suit wearing cronies, tearing up the town and leaving a trail of broken hearted, "coulda lived the dream" strippers behind you... so she cashes the check. It seems like the only real issue here is a severe lack of foresight on your behalf.

Kwom also claims that Colvino admitted to failing a Rite-Aid drug test. I'm not even sure a) why he'd take one or b) why he'd divulge the results to his check-having, already obviously suspicious girlfriend. Are you nuts?!

One thing I am sure of, however, is that Greg Colvino is an idiot. How can you possibly be good enough with money to be a successful Wall Street trader, but bad enough with money to think that giving your girlfriend a check for a hundred thousand dollars is a good idea?

TheWinColumn applauds your accidental philanthropy, Mr. Colvino, and hopes that the next chick you drop that much cash on is way better looking.

Check Out The Cans On This Drunk Chick...

2007-09-26T15:29:00.001-04:00

"I didnt' have too much to drink. If I had to much to drink I wouldn't be able to speak" for some reason makes perfect sense to me.

Doda Elektroda Is Stupid Hot And A Genius.....Seriously

2007-09-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

OK, this is a paradox. Yes, this chick is polish and obviously a very, very healthy girl. But it seems like every other broad coming out of eastern Europe is an absolute dime these days (God Damn You Sportspen!), so no surprise there right? What IS a surprise is that Doda is polish AND a bonifide genius. No joke. She has an IQ of 153. Just to give you a frame of reference it was estimated that Einstein had an IQ in the range of 160. So not only can Doda make your jaw drop, but she can also explain the fundamentals of quantum physics (while you stared at her titties).

In 2000, at the age of 16, she joined the polish rock group Virgin as a singer. In 2004 she was accepted in to Mensa. Mind you, the only membership requirement for Mensa is an IQ score within the top 2% of the population. Currently, there are 100,000 Mensans living in 100 countries around the world. In other words....membership is reserved for supa smaaaht people. And the hits just keep on coming! Doda really burst on the scene in 2005 when she posed for the polish edition of Playboy.

Basically, Doda is the perfect girl in every way, shape and form. She's everything you'd ever want in a woman: she's beautiful, smart, and european. Normally I like my chicks dumb as rocks, but in her case I'd make an exception.

Orlando

Canadian Justice

2007-09-25T09:33:00.000-04:00

I'd like to introduce you to the man who's really turning it around for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, a pioneer of sorts, one Constable Burke Huschi. Huschi was recently fined two days pay for punching a diabetic man in the head after misidentifying him as a drunk driver... I'm sure we've all made similar mistakes.

Howard Oakland, a horrifically lawless diabetic, was leaving Royal Inland Hospital when low blood sugar got the better of him. He lost the ability to control his vehicle and coasted across a 4 lane highway before coming to a rest on the other side. Two nurses who saw the incident ran to assist the potentially dangerous, yet mostly unconscious Howard, but before they could be assaulted by this insulin junkie, Huschi saved the day!

The National Post quotes an excerpt from the Royal Candian Mounted Police Disciplinary Board's decision:

"Const. Huschi demanded Mr. Oakland exit the truck and, when the driver failed to comply, handcuffed one of his wrists and tried to pull him out. 'Const. Huschi then struck the driver once in the head and again on the upper arms and chest.'"

Our neighbors to the north are known for many wonderful attributes: free health care for citizens, fantastic beer, great hockey teams, and permissive women. What they are NOT known for is a swift and brutal justice system. However, as of this day that may change! For the first time in history people may have a reason to fear Mounties... especially if you’re diabetic.

TheWinColumn salutes you, Constable Huschi, for your quick and astute actions that have brought a modicum or backbone a previously spineless Royal Candian Mounted Police . We wish you the best of luck in your anger management classes, and hope they do little to curb your renegade law enforcement style as you continue your crusade to eradicate this sickening rash of rogue diabetics. You, sir, are the Canadian John McClane.

For the full story, visit: http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/canada/story.html?id=3786eef0-401f-48f7-bc79-79ba7d1003cc